Opening my texts to Jamie introduced a myriad of complications, as expected. Jamie completely disregarded our agreement, and regularly sent messages that, although entirely sweet, often crossed the line into inappropriate territory. Each day would commence with a 'Good morning, Beautiful,' a familiar routine from the early days of our texting saga, to which I would reply with a simple 'Morning, Jamie,' and receive a grinning emoji as a reply.
Yet, I couldn't ignore the undeniable truth – his messages had a way of putting a smile on my face. Jamie, without a shred of doubt, possessed the most adorable and precious soul I had ever encountered.
This realization, however, led to a second complication: I was still very much in love with him, and there was no sign of that sentiment waning anytime soon. But as much as a significant part of me yearned to wait for him, the more rational side acknowledged how bad of an idea that could turn out to be.
Jamie, fuelled by youth and infatuation, was relentless in his pursuit of what he believed he wanted, and I was only blood and flesh at the end of the day with each encounter becoming more and more difficult to break away from.
Maybe we should talk about this and redefine our boundaries, I wondered one Saturday morning after receiving yet another, 'Morning, Beautiful' text. He had been leaving out to meet his father where he would stay overnight and discuss his summer plans; which meant I could expect at least a few messages from him as he dealt with it all.
I let out a heavy sigh. Why now, at a time when I'm questioning the viability of our friendship, does he have to be going through something where he needs me?
I leaned back on my sofa and propped my feet up on the matching ottoman, placing my phone on my chest as I awaited his message. I already knew my internal tumult was most possibly evident on my face due to the ache in my brow from the deep frown I had been wearing, but Jay's concern made my external state even more apparent.
"Would it be easier for you if I just told Leon to stop coming around?" Jay asked.
I hadn't realised he'd stopped playing his game and was now watching me.
"In hindsight, it probably would have been a lot better if he hadn't started coming in the first place, but It's probably too late for that now," I said. "I didn't think he'd be so adamant in his feelings."
Jay gave me a quick side-eye glance before pursing his lips tightly.
"What is it?" I asked, knowing he was trying to refrain from saying something.
"I just ... get the feeling you wouldn't want him to be any less adamant."
"Jay, I ..."
"No. I get it," Jay quickly added. "I know you don't want to have a relationship with a teenager, but I also know that you care about him."
I let out a heavy sigh. "Well, none of that matters, does it?"
Jay gave a sad smile and dropped his game controller on the table before turning to me fully.
"You said that George mentioned there was an opening coming up in his branch," he started. "Maybe you should think about putting in a request."
His suggestion hurt a lot more than I'm sure he had intended.
"Are you trying to get rid of me, or something?" I asked, dropping my feet from the ottoman and straightening up in my chair.
"Of course not," he rebutted, now bearing his own pained expression. "Why would you even ask that?"
I nodded. "Sorry. I just don't get why you'd suggest that."
"Because I hate seeing you like this," he said with a small sigh. "When he's around you look happy and content almost, and then other times you look tormented. And you keep telling me you're okay as if I don't know what okay looks like."
"I am okay," I said automatically - It really was my response to everything.
Jay shook his head. "You're not." He paused for a moment, his eyes searching blindly as if trying to determine the best way to express himself. "We both know he's never going to give up for as long as you're around," he said. "And I don't think there's any point torturing yourself if it can't ever be."
He was right!
I was the one who had said there was no point waiting, so why was I allowing myself to keep falling deeper and deeper into an irreparable situation?
"You said they do temporary transfers, maybe some time away from him would help."
"That would mean time away from you too," I said, still hurt that he was considering me leaving.
"Yeah. I wonder how many house parties I'd get away with over six months," he said with a grin.
I gave a small laugh a threw a nearby cushion at him. "That's not even funny."
He chuckled and tucked it behind his head. "Seriously though. You should know the last thing I'd ever want is to get rid of you. Unless you do get with Leon," he said with a thoughtful frown. "I don't want a stepdad who's the same age as me."
"Stepdad? Wouldn't brother-in-law be more appropriate?"
Jay shook his head and picked back up his controller. "I don't like you mothering me, because I think it's about time you did something for you! But just because you don't need to act like my mom, it doesn't mean I don't see you as my mom."
My tension relaxed then, and I smiled.
How dare he insinuate I am only happy when Jamie is around? I thought as I jumped up, and wrapped my arms around him before squashing a fat kiss into his cheek.
"You're too sweet, Jay."
"Arghh, get off," he argued but didn't try to push me away as he usually would. "I'm not being sweet, I'm just telling the truth."
I grabbed hold of his cheek in between my finger and thumb and pinched it lightly while jiggling it from side to side. That was something he'd always hated and it did get him fighting back, which began a short chorus of long missed laughter that was only cut short when my phone rang.
It took me a minute to compose myself, not wanting to answer to Jamie's call while in the fit of giggles - a wise decision when I heard his voice on the other end.
"Are you ok?" I asked.
He gave a short sigh before answering. "A lot better now that I hear your voice."
I let out an inaudible sigh as my heart swelled, and my eyes flickered to Jay. He was looking at me from beneath raised eyebrows with a hint of a smirk on his lips, giving a 'see' expression.
"How is everything with your dad?" I asked, trying to keep my tone neutral.
Jamie gave a small laugh. "I make reference to the most beautiful sound I've heard and you want to ask about my dad!"
I too let out a small laugh. "I guess you don't want to talk about it."
"If you don't mind."
His voice carried a soft air of sadness that, of course, weighed down on me with the desire to remove it.
"Of course not," I said, before requesting a favour from Jamie.
"What is it?"
"Could you make sure Jay eats all of his lunch at school," I said before pinching his cheek once again. "Because his cheeks are getting a lot less chubby than they used to be."
Jay let out a playful shout as he once again fought me off, and just as I'd hoped, Jamie burst out into laughter too.
I left for my bedroom a little after Jay had calmed down and called a greeting to Jamie, and the two of us continued talking for a good hour until he informed me that he had to go for dinner.
He had told me that he wouldn't be around for the next week as his father had changed the plans and he was stuck there until Wednesday evening. He wasn't entirely upset about having to miss school, but he complained about it regardless, though his complaints fell on deaf ears. It seemed when his dad made up his mind about something, there wasn't much that could be done to change it.
I couldn't help but let out a groan as he spoke about missing school.
That sentence shouldn't belong in a conversation I'm having with a guy, specifically one that I'm so interested in, and I almost longed for the days when he was more careful about how he spoke about his life and called it Uni instead – but then, I wouldn't even be in this situation if he hadn't told his grand lie in the first place.
This led me back to my conversation with Jay and the reality that maybe he was right – creating some distance between us may be a necessity, still the persisting desire to see Jamie one last time remained and defied all of the rational considerations that swirled in my mind. If we could have one last talk, and get those lingering thoughts and feelings out in the open, I could finally decide on what my next move needed to be.
We spoke a few more times during the week, with Jamie's voice growing increasingly tense, despite his efforts to conceal it. However, on his last day, his spirits seemed to have lifted.
"I've got some good news for you," he said when he rang during my Wednesday lunch break.
"What is it?"
"It's a surprise. Well, I hope you'll be surprised."
"You're not going to remind me that you'll be seventeen next week, are you?" I asked.
"That wouldn't be much of a surprise, would it?" he quipped. "This is big. I promise."
Despite my efforts to keep a neutral stance, I couldn't help but be intrigued, and my curiosity led me to gently inquire further. Jamie, however, seemed intent on keeping the details of this one close to his chest.
"Well," I said, deciding now was as good a time as any to introduce my thoughts about our last meeting. "Maybe you could tell me about it the next time you visit Jay. Brian should be staying over on Friday, so I was thinking of cooking something nice for them."
Jamie was quiet for a moment before he spoke. "Are you inviting me over for dinner?" he asked.
"No," I correct quickly. "I was suggesting you came to visit Jay, and I happened to mention that I will be cooking," I said, mostly truthfully. It really had already been planned between Jay and Brian, I was just putting it out there.
"So, you're inviting me over to see Jay, and you're saying that I can eat from the food that you will cook?"
"Something like that."
"Sounds pretty much like you're inviting me to dinner," he said matter-of-fact way.
"Ok, let's just forget it," I said.
I hadn't intended it in such an underhanded way, but I still felt called out.
"No, no. It's fine," he rushed. "I'll come and visit Jason, and I'll stay for dinner. Is that right?"
"Right," I said, giving a loud sigh.
"Mhmm. Tomayto, tomahto," he added with a small laugh, before apologising again.
I gave my head a small shake, though I couldn't help but laugh.
"I'll see you then, Jamie."
I got off the call with Jamie confirming that he would keep me updated about when he got home, and I opened my messages, of which I had a few from George.
It was true - he had told me about an opening in his branch, but transferring would be a lot more difficult than Jay had realised and that was without taking Jamie into consideration.
I wouldn't be able to afford two sets of rent, and it was clear Jay wasn't intending to come with me. It wouldn't be fair to drag him away before he starts his final year of school anyway, not to mention all of his friends, some of whom he'd known most of his life.
Then, aside from the financial stretch, who would look after him in his day-to-day life? I knew he believed he was grown enough to look after himself, and he probably was, but could I ever let go of trying?
I lay back on the bed and scrolled through George's messages. I had asked him to look into the feasibility of me moving up north with him, and he seemed very invested in the idea – another problem. I didn't want him to get the wrong idea of my intentions, but it would be quite inappropriate to tell him the real reason I was considering a move.
Still, I hadn't made any firm decision.
Friday would be the determiner and would be when I either make a decision to wait for Jamie or to break from Jamie.