The first person I killed with my bare hands happened to be my own father and I do not even remember how I did it.
When I turned my eyes to gaze at the faces of my mother and my sisters, my rapidly beating heart grew cold when I witnessed looks of utter horror, terror, fear and disbelief which shadowed their eyes. They were looking at me as if I was some kind of… monster….
Those eyes…. They looked erringly similar to the ones those kids in the park showed me two years ago…. Those were the eyes made by terrified prey locked withing the same cage with their predator.
I felt a very heavy and profound sinking feeling within the depths of my stomach.
My family…they are terrified of me…. Why are they terrified?
My heartbeat which had somewhat calmed down started to rapidly pick up the pace of its beating once again as an unknown and foreign feeling started to emerge from the very depths of an unknown part of my being and had started to permeate and penetrate deep into my body and into my soul.
The feeling was by no means uncomfortable or disgusting, it actually felt good, refreshing…and…exciting. I could feel my breathing grow heavier as the corners of my lips slowly arched into a smile.
Why was I smiling when I noticed their terrified looks?
Why was I feeling…. Excited?
"Ah!" I exclaimed as realization dawned upon me at that moment.
I finally understood where all those inhuman combat instincts came from, I understood why I felt excited when I saw them gazing at me with their unbridled looks of terror, I finally understood why I found a profound sense of enjoyment and excitement in fighting…and killing.
Why?
Because I am a monster… and a natural-born killer.
Murder pumped through my veins just as blood pumped through the veins of normal people. I craved fighting and I craved carnage.
All the signs which had manifested themselves since their inception during my childhood days all pointed towards direction.
It all made sense now. The inhuman level of combat awareness, the precession of the decision making capabilities I exhibited during combat, the savagery and lack of restraint I had whenever I was in a fight.
They were all echoes and signs of the true nature that lay within me... the true nature of a monster with unbridled savagery and murderous intent.
I am a psychopath....and a monster.
For some weird reason when that realization dawned upon me, I began to feel unrestricted, unburdened and free. My thoughts had never run as smoothly as they did right at this moment.
Why should I need to live life hiding what I truly was? My name is Shinei Hassaikai. I am as much of a monster as I am a natural-born killer. There is no reason for me to reject what I already am, I simply needed to embrace it.
I once more gazed at the terrified eyes of my mother and my sisters.
I see…
I was never fated to live a seemingly ordinary and normal life like them. There existed no place in modern society for people with dispositions like mine. No-one would ever feel comfortable living with a murderer underneath the same roof. No-one would ever feel safe living with a beast which they did not know when it might decide to bare its fangs at them. The fear in the eyes of my family served to prove that i was right.
I can't stay here.
Those thoughts manifested in my mind.
I can't stay here with them.
I am afraid that if I do, I might hurt them. I am afraid that they will never accept… a monster like me.
Turbulent emotions manifested from within the depths of my heart at that moment but the most prominent emotions amongst them were fear of being rejected by them and fear of possibly causing them pain.
I was afraid that after today, my family would never look and feel the same way they always did towards me.
I silently made my decision.
There existed only one place which accepted and needed monsters like me. The only place I could think of was the underworld where all the inherent dirt and filth of the empire gathered and sedimented. It was a place teeming with monsters like me perhaps... I could find a place to belong there...
I once again gazed into their terrified eyes before signing and turning away, my resolve cemented. I had no place here.
This was the moment when I walked away from home, never seeing the faces of my mother and sisters again for a very long time. It was the moment the Legend of Apex truly began.
Now that I look back on it, I was stupid and hopelessly naïve at that time. I had severely underestimated the unconditional love mothers had towards their children. I had also underestimated the sheer magnitude of the extent to which they were willing to go for their children regardless of their inherent deficiencies and acquired flaws.
It was only after I met 'her' that I truly realized just how stupid of a decision it had been to walk away at that moment.
**********
I violently shook my head in order to ward off the stray thoughts which had side-trekked my train of thought and had caused me to daze out when my twin sisters rejected my help.
I softly sighed.
It was only recently that I discovered that I was such a sentimental person. lately I have become more prone to thoughts like this. I wonder... is this the influence of 'her' absence from my life. Will anything ever fill this horrible feeling of emptiness I feel deep inside?
I made my way back to my room and was surprised upon noticing a wrapped box lying quietly on top of my bed. Egged on by my curiosity, I unwrapped it and was pleasantly surprised to find a crisp and new school uniform folded into a neat bundle withing the box.
It consisted of a white long-sleeved shirt with buttons, black formal trousers, a golden tie near the collar of the shirt, a cream colored half-jersey, a cream-colored full jersey together with cream blazer laced with golden ribbons at the edges of its collars and at its arms forming six bands. It was the uniform of Einritch Academy. It was the very school I would be attending starting tomorrow.
My hands wandered on each and every one of the uniforms gently caressing the soft fabric they were sewn out of. My heart started to pound once more in anticipation for tomorrow because tomorrow would mark the first day of my return to school within the light side of the world. I could now finally take a break from all the blood and all the violence which had followed me for all the days I was a leader of APEX. I threw myself onto the bed and forced myself to sleep. Tomorrow felt like it was taking forever to arrive.