What are you afraid of?
I am simply afraid of meeting someone new. Someone that will try and do their absolute best for no other reason but to simply bring back a little bit of joy in my life.
Someone that will sacrifice all that which they desire just to make mine come to light, someone whose intentions and actions describes the true definition of love which is to simply want more for somebody than they want for themselves.
Someone that will compromise everything, their time, their heart, and their feelings for someone who can't even recognize that we all live on borrowed time.
Someone who engages themselves enough in all your boring conversations, carrying it with so much zeal because they simply understand that everything and everyone get lost sometimes and maybe with a little bit of patience in trying to recognize and follow in all those traces they leave behind they will be found. Someone who will constantly ask and urge you to go on a date with them because they find clarity even in your discombobulation and through the night they simply inquire:
"Would you let me in?"
Its like she represent the man she wants, she shows up with flowers which were meant to be given to her. Her hand is next on my face like she's trying to push away my hair so she could have a better view of it even when I do not have long hair. "Would you go on a date with me," she inquires.
Before I could even say yes its like every fiber in me is set on fire, the fear kicks in and paint a picture of all the hurting I would get to relive once I open that door. Terrified of myself, of who I would become when I open that small door meant for the dog which is crafted on the big backdoor I locked with 673 locks a long time ago when the front one was torn to pieces.
Barely back to reality, my hand I can feel has been stuffed with these beautiful flowers I have never sat my eyes upon and there she was still standing in front of me and still waiting for my response and all I could do is just stand there and stare like a blind person. "I will see you there then. This Friday" she said. I didn't give a response, I just walked away like I always do.
Feelings always seems to be hitting harder at night and like any other overthinking mind there I was staring at the ceiling with my mind forging each and every possibility of what is to happen.
How she would take me to dinner and barely eat any of the food we would order because she is too engaged in making me feel less of undeserving of any love that comes my way because I always push it away.
How she would show me how much she really care by hinting all that in what she remembers about me, the smallest details like my favorite books, my favorite poems and the fact that I don't eat meat.
How she would fascinate me with how easy it is to have a conversation with someone who can barely tell you what they truly wanna say.
How she would show me how I appear to her, how fascinating I am to her and how perfect I am before her eyes. And how she battle with time to unveil to her how she could make me realize it too every single moment I'm with her.
Instead I would just sit there with a hollow mind and a constant stare in the empty cup of mine I so wish was full. Sitting there wishing away for the night to end soon.
And her too she would be there wishing for it not to end and maybe she might even suggest for us to go for a movie and while at the movies she might even spend the whole time just gazing at me like there isn't a big screen before us showing a perfect life we all wish we could live.
And at the end of the night I would be afraid that I might actually end up breaking her heart like I do everyone else because she would eventually have the opportunity to try and kiss me as I drop her off, she would have so much hope within herself and her eyes and all I could picture myself doing is just standing a meter apart from her hinting to her to not come closer.
Because I'm still terrified to open that backdoor of my home, the only door I got left. The door that gives passway to all the broken pieces within myself,
I'm still terrified to bet on her being good at puzzles as she finds those broken pieces.
Love is but a step on the brink of the abyss for me and I no longer wanna play on that edge, my heart recognizes all the familiar signs and shows me how it would all end.
Love I will always appreciate your effort but I'm already ruined for everyone else and the distance I keep is the only way of me to actually have a little bit of more time on earth without me going insane.