Lucien was sure what he felt for his wife was the beginning stages of infatuation. It would fade away if he put some space between them. He didn't love her yet, and he didn't intend to start. Not ever. He didn't want to feel anything like that towards her. Why would he let his heart slip into the hand of someone who had manipulated her way into loving her. She and her father would have destroyed him if he hadn't married her. At first, when her father told him that keeping control of his family company meant marring her, he thought she knew nothing about it. Through his sister she must have known him enough to be aware that he had a girlfriend that he truly loved. Until someone anonymous had sent him an email during his honeymoon to inform him that his wife was part of the plan.
He had felt played. He had not considered Star to be this manipulative. She was his sister's best friend and he had considered her to be an innocent in her father's schemes. When he asked her, she did not deny it. The shocked, considering, and guilt on her face told him all he needed to know. She was as bad as her father. Truly Bob Marks' daughter to the very end. And he was locked into her jaws. He would not give her the ideal relationship and reward her for her mistakes. If marring her had hurt only him, maybe he wouldn't have minded as much. But by forcing his hand she had, in a domino effect hurt someone he had cared for very much. He had broken off his long-time relationship with his girlfriend and had not forgiven himself for the hurt he had put that woman through. He would never forgive Star for the hurt he remembered in Heather's eyes. Not ever. His family had not liked Heather and they think Star was the "right match" for him. If she was, wouldn't he have looked at her romantically before he was made to? She had always been his little sister's best friend and had never spared her a glace until her father had ultimately made him. She had always looked to him like a naïve young woman with her head a little too high in the clouds. She was raised by the richest family in the city but you wouldn't know it from the way she interacted with people. Maybe not until you noticed the quality of what she had but not before then. He had thought it wouldn't be too bad to marry her. Had thought she wasn't so bad. Until he realised if she was an angel, she was the kind that crawled out of hell.
***
Star looked at her husband from the opposite end of the dinner table. It had been a few days since they'd gone to the beach. She knew that she had done something wrong. She didn't know what. Lucien was drawing away from her again. And in her mind, she couldn't find the reason for it. This was driving her crazy. She knew there was a problem and didn't know what it was. Her husband wasn't being too obvious, but he was drawing away from her. He didn't outright ignore her but he was like a polite stranger. He saw her. He reacted like she was there… all the necessary words and actions but there was an emptiness to it all. It was like they had a glass wall between them. She could see him talk to him but could not get to him.
Star wondered if she'd rather he ignored her completely. She didn't have an answer to that. She didn't know if she should remain optimistic. How would she fix a problem she couldn't fix? He hadn't had the time to acquire a new mistress so she was positive it wasn't another woman.
He finished his meal wiped his mouth, got up and left the table. She looked down at her plate. It was still full. She had been pushing her vegetables around with her fork and not putting any into her mouth.
She forced herself to eat half the contents on her plate and went up to her room. There she got ready for bed running the events of the past few days running in her head. Where had she gone wrong? When had Lucien began to pull back? Why was he pulling back? She thought he had begun softening towards her. She had thought he was lowering his guard with her and finally letting her in. She had thought things were going to be okay soon. Obviously, she was wrong. So very wrong. How could she be so freaking wrong? She closed her eyes tightly and fought down her pain.
You know it will take time for him to understand, she tried to console herself. You know he is a very stubborn.
She tucked herself into bed and closed her eyes. She tossed and turned but couldn't fall asleep. She lay there in her moonlit room thinking. Wondering what it was about her that offended her husband so much that he could only take her in controlled doses. What was it about her that turned him away from her. If she knew, maybe she could change it. She could the perfect wife he wanted if only she knew how. She knew the initial reason he had pulled away from her but could it be only that which made him hate her so much? What was she not seeing?
She realised she was not going to fall asleep so she got up. As she padded downstairs noticed the light to her husband's bedroom was on. She wondered what was keeping him up. She could only dream that it had anything to do with her. As much as he was her life, she an inconvenience in his. Her feet took her to the kitchen where she warmed herself a glass of milk. She took it and her feet took her outside to the garden. She was only wearing a tank top and a tiny pair of shorts with a silk robe over that but she didn't feel the cold. She sat on the bench and stared into the darkness. She wondered why Lucien was punishing her. She looked up at the moon and the night breeze danced with her loose hair. She unconsciously shivered and cupped her hands around her coffee cup. She drained the cup and placed it beside her. She sat there in the cold a little longer. When she began shivering and sniffling, she took her cup and started going back inside.
She was surprised to find her husband at the door holding a blanket.
"Why are you out there in the cold without proper covering?" He asked her as he put the blanket around her quivering shoulders and guided her the few steps left inside. When she was in the light he looked down and noticed she was barefoot.
"Damn, it you don't even have shoes on!" he exclaimed in incredulity. "Why were you out there? I know you like to act like you're made of rock but you can't be this careless with your health."
Star noticed that he was stirring her towards the kitchen. She complied wondering why he was even in her space. He had been off the past few days and now he wanted to mother her? She was tempted to let him. If it had been any other time maybe she could have let him but she had emotions bubbling on the surface and she wanted answers. She shrugged his hands off and accidentally, his blanket and then rounded on him.
"Did I do something to offend you?" She asked him.
"What?" he was not expecting that and it showed on his face.
"You've been closed off from me these past few days and I can't figure out what I did to offend you. I will fix it; whatever it is I won't do it again. Tell me what I did wrong." She pleaded looking him in his eyes looking searching...
"I can't fix it if I don't know what it is." She sounded so very lost.
She had a lost look on her that her husband knew he was responsible for. Guilt and shame washed over him. Whatever she was, he was doing wrong by her.
He knew what she wanted from him but he could not offer it to her.
"Star," he tried, "it's late…"
"Please just tell me what I did." Star pleaded her cold hands clutching at his arm and shaking it with each word.
"You didn't do anything," he reassured her and she shook her head adamantly.
"It has to be something I did." She said almost frantically "You have been off for the past few days."
"I've just had a little more work on my plate." Lucien lied and Star looked at his eyes as if she could smell the lie. She slowly let go of his arm.
"Okay…" her voice was just above a breath. "Please don't shut me out. Please don't slip away again, please."
Lucien felt the walls he'd been trying to build crumble into nothingness. He needn't have bothered building them. He had suspected that it would not take much to demolish that effort and he'd been right. He took her by the shoulders and hugged her. His arms where around her shoulders his chin over her head.
"I won't shut you out." He promised and he meant it.
She was frozen into his embrace not moving wondering if this was a trick. Whatever he was doing was confusing her. He had started warming up towards her and then frozen her out. Now he was being sweet on her. Was this real? Did he really mean it? Was he doing this to… to what? Why was he doing this?
Why does it matter? She a voice in her head chastised. Take it because this is more than he'd given you in a long time.
So, she did. She wrapped her arms around him and let him hold her. She hoped he would keep his word and not freeze her out again. If he did, she was going to take and hope that when he pulled back again it would be enough.
***
Later when Lucien was in his own room and Star safely in her he was brooding. He would not freeze her out. He would keep his word He would be there but he would not act on whatever emotions he had. He didn't want to do that. He could not hurt her. So, he would not.
He would continue to fight the emotions he was developing for her but he would not take that fight to her. He would not hurt her for what was ultimately his problem.
You're losing the battle, and you know it, the thought ran in his head. Fighting to not love her is an uphill battle and you know it. You look at her and whatever resolve you'd been building melts.
He just needed to find another way to not love her because he just could not. He would feel shitty if he let himself love again after the way he had hurt Heather. He couldn't let himself fall for Star. He blamed her too. Even if she did not know about Heather, he blamed his wife for the pain his ex-girlfriend had gone through.
I won't love her. He reiterated to himself for the umpteenth time. I cannot love her. It was becoming a mantra.