Pillow
It always remained the same pillow. I hold tears and I hold you.
__
Counting days to end the miserable week. Doesn't know where to put a gap. Already started missing him. Hasn't felt good after waking up he didn't find him sleeping beside him. Still unsure whether he slept well or not. He hasn't sent any text yet. Hands are trembling to write a word. Still went, 'Have you reached?' Doesn't know if he is gonna get the reply. Maybe will be waiting until he breaks his silence and gives the proper answer. Cause all he wished for clearance.
'You told me on the plane that you love me. Was it true? And how can one fall in love so quickly?'
Sometimes, he hates some unconditional thought of Jansen. He may not measure the number of ups and downs in his personal and professional life. Thus, he never told Jansen about all those. He took it as funny how Jansen made all his ways for him. But he was serious, too, while taking it as FUN.
After BBL,
Edwards decided to let Jansen stay in his house. Cause he had been in Jansen's. They flied in the Netherlands and visited a few places for connecting in another way. Marco Jansen is one of them who always raised questions. Maybe someone would think it is for overthinking. Or it for doubts. Scott Edwards, somehow, doesn't give the values or specific reasons to answer it correctly. He doesn't know why he took it normally at first. He wished he had stopped it before.
One night,
- So. Tomorrow's flight?
Edwards speaks. He is not happy about Jansen's flight tomorrow for the international schedule. And he has his own games here.
Jansen looks as if he never imagined the tone Edwards used.
- Say it again?
Jansen jumped from his pillow to Edwards's. Edwards moves a little back instantly.
- Go back. I will fall.
- I will catch. Just say.
- Why are you behaving like that? I told you about your flight. Didn't you hear?
- Okay. I got it. But I am not moving.
Jansen moved his pillow form behind and dragged their pillow stoically on the middle of the bed. He pulls Edwards closer to lay on the same pillow.
- Jansen!
- Hm?
- Can I ask you something?
- Hm.
Jansen responded while stroking his hair softly.
- Ahm. Do you have any trust issues? Or something about me?
- [Stragley] Why, Ed?
- Just randomly asking. Cause I- I know it sounds ridiculous to hear now. But-
- For why?
- You were asking many questions even if it's not necessary to ask.
- Like?
- Like things from World Cup, hotel and present. How did I take it, how could I trust it, I either took it positively, where were your all attentions etc.
- [exhales] So. It's not about trust issues, Ed. It's just configured of starting love.
- That's not how a love should be started, Jansen. It starts with trust-
- Yeah, that's why I was asking all those questions.
- It's not how it works each time. You know I do love you. I do trust you. But you asked every single time to know. How did I take THOSE. Doubts? Problems? Trust issues? What have I even done? I don't think you have problems. So, what the hell happened with you to TRUST it?
Raised the voice. But realised he shouldn't.
- S-sorry. I'm fade up, Jansen. It's enough. And you're going to SA. Just think about it a little. Please.
Holds his tears and moves his body aside. Not facing Jansen. Wiped it after it fell unconditionally. Didn't let Jansen know. Closed his eyes.
Was it all the issues I wished for?
_______________________
Looking at the clock. It passed 2 at night. Blinking on the balcony. His lips widened from the corner. Closed his eyes to make sure he reminds the day when Jansen showed himself up through his balcony. Chuckles. All he wanted to say, 'Yes, you have been a crazy dumbass!' Opens his eyes. Peered in the direction. How someone left the place alone! Moved himself in another direction, away from balcony view. Shifting his mind to another positive reminder. Their first intimacy! Maybe an option to pass this night. Though he is missing Jansen beside him.
....'So, ahm. You asked many questions. Now, I wanted to know about yourself. Like, what do you like?' Jansen breaks his staring when Edwards asks him the question. 'Ah! Ah- like for passing time?' 'Yeah.' 'Taugh. I do so many things. Mostly golf.' Jansen answered. 'Okay. Nice pick. Now, tell me for what things you liked me?' Jansen reacted as if it was an interesting question. He took seconds to answer. 'Maybe how you are. Maybe your gestures. Maybe your things...' He closes the distance between themselves... 'Maybe your tone.' He slightly touches his jaw with his three fingers. 'Maybe your hair.' He slides his fingers on his neck. 'Maybe yourself.' Edwards shyed and moved his face aside. 'Okay. Now let me-' 'Shhh.' Jansen held his waist tightly and locked him between his hands. He leans his head down on his shoulder and touches it with his lips. Left a soft touch. Squeezed his hands when Edwards was about to stop him. Not the way Jansen asked for. He remained on his both shoulders for minutes until Edwards spoke up, exhaling, 'Jansen.' Jansen looks at him with stilly eyes, making sure Edwards knows everything at that moment. He pulls Edwards up on his bosom like bridal style and made their way to bed. After putting him down, Edwards looks up at him. 'Jan-' 'Hm?' Each times he stopped at JAN. He holds Jansen's cheek with his right hand and says, 'Just give me the answer.' Jansen was feeling his light touch with his warm hands. Quickly moves his face up on Edwards. Cups his jaw again. 'I like you for you being yourself. Each time.' Cups again. Edwards nothing but moans for the first time. Holds Jansen tightly. Letting him know what he wants, he wants too.
Then the night went like it should. Just love from beginning to end.
Edwards nothing but thinking about it. How crazy Jansen becomes each time! He loves him being dumbass each time. But he never knew Jansen is actually that much romantic. Goose! He loves it more.
Opens his eyes slowly. Didn't blinked at the clock this time. Knows, it won't help. Missing him on the balcony. Missing him beside him. Missing him up on him. Inch by inch it calls pain. Maybe it is after a very tiny matter. But he needed to clear it all the way.
Widened his eyes. Got a plan.
_______________________
Heard a calling bell. Rushed to open the door. Thinking about the parcel he picked from amazon. Swings the door open to receive but stopped his hand instantly. "Ed?" He isn't shocked, just stranged. Scott faked a smile and went inside. They didn't share any special things then. Just normal conversation. Jansen didn't ask Edwards why he came here. Just noticing his unfamiliar movements.
Night,
After dinner, Scott came upstairs quickly. Cause he has some things to settle. Jansen locked the door after coming and went straight on the washroom. While he was using it, Scott prepared their beds. He put one pillow to sleep in the middle. Knows how much Jansen loves it! Jansen didn't get shocked after seeing. Just gave a straight look at Edwards. Like, what he is doing! Edwards gestures him to sleep over as Jansen did. Jansen holds his waist. The thing Jansen loves. "Missed you." Jansen says quitely. Scott smiles. "It should be my line." He says. Jansen looks at him widely. "You missed ME?" He strangely asked. "Maybe." "Why?" Scott clenched his eyebrows. "Oh. I got you." He instantly changed the reaction after getting the point of guilty. Scott moves a little closer while Jansen is holding his face down. He puts his hand on Jansen's jaw. Slightly touched it. "Jansen." Warmly starts. "I know you felt bad about my loud voice. I shouldn't have told like that. I'm sorry. And yeah I do believe you don't have any trust issues on me. Just asking few questions won't make sense of trust. And it was also difficult for me to understand at first. But it's all okay." He hugged Jansen cause he felt he needs it. "Hey. I love you, dumbass. And you know I loved you since World Cup. Cause I watched your efforts. Cause no one can accept other who showed up on their balcony at nights. Ridiculous! I wasn't angry at all. I was just, huh! Shocked. I did notice you had never done that if you didn't love me. Okay? I can't miss you. I have sense. I know it is bothering you how can I love you so easily. But nobody know where love comes from. Right? So, I have no answer." He looks at him after finishing his lines. Pointed at the pillow with eyes. The love of Jansen's. "I might not ask any of those questions you did. But I would love to assure you with one line for all of your questions, It always remained the same pillow. I hold tears and I hold you, Jansen. The days when I hold all those tears, it erased when I hold you. How can I not LOVE you?" Jansen nothing but burst in tears. Hugged him tightly and cried. Scott couldn't even breath. "Hey, don't cry. I can't be your pillow." Joked. "But you are." Jansen instantly replied. He holds his tears this time for Edwards. "I love you, more." He said while kissing his hand. "I just lost hope. Forgive me-" "No. It's okay." They hugged each-other and remained forever on one pillow.
......