If I had the power, I want to erase the past of both of us.
What would be the scenario if Gray had a different family, and our family hadn't gone through any incidents? How would our relationship be if I approached him without a hidden agenda? How would we lead our lives without trapping him all the time? How would it be to show my affection and love to him all the time without hesitation?
The feeling of confessing and making him mine in front of thousands of people was ruined. Yet again, I had to trap him to tie the knot. He had gone through so much, and I wasn't there so he could rely on me.
We were a thing in the past, and I didn't have any rights over him, but again, I imposed myself and made him bound to me. He is everything in this life, and I am not able to express the same thing in front of him. I love him more than my life; those words are stuck in my throat. I hate the way he shows his cold shoulders to me, but I can't stop him from doing so. I want to be with him till my last breath, and I can't confess the same. I hate trapping him, and I can't help myself from doing the same.
His feelings are conflicted toward me. He is not getting how to hate or love me. For which to give more preference. His love and affection for me are getting overlapped because of a few incidents, and I can't blame him. I didn't promise anything, and I am solely responsible for everything. He doesn't want to be with me, but at the same time, he is not able to stay with anyone else. He doesn't love or hate anyone else other than me.
My face is a reminder of a few horrible things. It's hard for him to forget and move on, but it seems like my patience is draining. When everything is going to be normal between us is my biggest question. I should accept the fact that this is never going to happen. I did what I did, but he is the one who has gone through the consequences of my act. He is trying hard, but he is not successful. He is making an effort to mask the things, but it is of no use. A few times, unknowingly, he will vent in some way.
I hate myself for pushing him to go through everything, but even if I could, I couldn't stop and help it. If I want everything to stop, I have to lose him, and I would rather die than be apart from him.
Those three words that are stuck in my throats I want to say out loud, but I don't have enough courage, and I am never going to find them anytime soon.
It's been two years since we adopted Addi and Abby. Today, their birthdays and arrangements have been taken care of by Gray. The party was in the evening, and I was still at the office, pondering whether to go or not.
Rewinding through our past memories. I don't know why these days I am more distressed than anything. The simple act of Gray, which I had ignored in the past, is severely aching me. He is near me, but I always feel like I am missing him for no reason. He is making me give more time to the twins and spend quality time as a family, and I am not satisfied. We are sleeping on the same bed, and I will always hold him closely, but it still feels like it's not enough. Giggling and laughter would be erupted all over the mansion because of the twins, and Gray is very happy. I want to give him more, but I am not able to.
Is it an age factor, or am I overthinking? Whenever I am facing him, I will try to slide everything away and mask it with my smile. There is this inside me; I am not able to pinpoint what it is, but for the past few days, I have felt like losing something.
I am definitely overthinking.
My cell started ringing, and it was gray. Before he started yelling at me, I informed him I would reach within 10 minutes and disconnected the call.
When I reach the mansion, the party has already started. Abby came running toward me, and Addi was glued to Gray. They were twins, but nature was totally different. One is very cheerful, and the other is always annoyed, but he is getting better because of Gray.
After getting freshened up, I joined the party. I greeted my dad, and Thomas joined my business associates. Gray immediately stood beside me. These days he is doing this a lot without me dragging him, and I don't know why. It is always surprising, and unknowingly, a smile would form on my face.
Oliver couldn't make it as he had exams, but he promised the twins he would visit them soon. He is mature, and I like Oliver more. Showing more interest in running the company. Whenever he has time, he always spends in learning something. Frankly speaking, I am astonished. I don't want him to carry this burden so soon, but if he is showing so much interest, I can't help but pour my knowledge into him. He is definitely my version.
I was nodding my head to some remarks from my business associate and sipping the wine. Gray was keeping an eye on the twins and was responding whenever required.
The party was going on, and I felt tired. Running a company is definitely draining my energy. I informed Gray about the same. He was skeptical for a few seconds and eventually nodded his head. After bidding goodbye to a few known faces, I made my way to the room within no time I was in bed.
After a few hours, I was shaken when a hand wrapped around my waist. By turning, I took Gray on my shoulder, and we slept.
The next day, I was getting ready. Gray was watching me, and I raised a questioning eyebrow. "You look tired." These days I do feel so tired maybe due to stress. "Running a company is draining me." "Take off for a few days." "I took it last month and can't take it now and then." I was selecting the tie to suit my blazer and could feel Gray's gaze. I gave him the attention he was seeking. By clearing his throat, he spoke. "If you want any help, you can let me know. I may try to help you irrespective of practical knowledge." I was in shock after hearing this. He hates running the company still, he thought giving a hand. Was I looking that much worn out? I was staring at him without blinking my eyes. "You know what I will take back my words you may trap me over there too." I started laughing after hearing that followed by an unknown ache or was it fear and I brushed it off.
I selected the tie and pulled over the matching blazer when an envelope fell near his legs. He took the same and started going through the same. By the time it hit me, it was too late.
"What the hell? You have given a bloody sample for what and why the hell you didn't inform me." "It's a regular checkup." "Cut the bullshit; we both had regular check-ups." "I was feeling distressed and awful; that's why I thought of getting checked." "Why the hell didn't you inform me?" "It's not a big deal." "Stop deciding for us once and for all. Did you get the result?" "I didn't find time to visit the hospital." "We are going." "Now?" "Are you kidding me? Common." I was dragged. It was not a big deal why he was paranoid for no reason. It happens. It's just stress. In no time, we were in the car.
He was worried, and I did not get why. He is driving way too fast without his knowledge. "Hey, I want to reach the hospital to get the result not to get admitted." "Oh, shut up." "Let me drive." "Sit down and it's under control. Let me concentrate." I gave up.
We were in the hospital. Gray was dragging me to the doctor's cabin. Dr. Benjamin is our family doctor and gestured for us to take our seat. Usually, he was always cheerful, but today he was static. No emotions were found on his face. "I called you, but as usual, you ignored my calls." "I was busy." After hearing this he was annoyed. "Nothing is more important than your health, right?" Gray chipped in. "What about his blood report?" "That's what I wanted to discuss. Today I was thinking of visiting you at your home." "Is it serious?" "It's. He was seeing everywhere other than Gray. By composing himself, he spoke. We got the result, and I took a second opinion too. I am not concluding anything based on my theory." "Can you cut the crap and come to the point?" If I want to, I can't stop Gray's words. I have been feeling awful for the past few days. It's not pain or anything; it's just ache and fear. I didn't dwell and kept brushing it off. The way the doctor was acting and trying to give meaning to everything, and my instinct cautioning me, something was definitely not right. By clearing his throat. "Well, Josh is suffering from a rare cancer, and it's already spread all over."
I was stunned. I didn't expect something like this, and immediately my sole attention was on Gray. After hearing the news, he collapsed on the chair. I was in front of him in no time. He was beyond shock. I was shaking him to get his attention, and he pushed me aside and faced the doctor. "How on earth is this even possible? We were having regular checkups." "It's a rare cancer that spreads soon." "Ok. Get him admitted and start treatment. Get experts. Start doing something at the earliest." Dr. removed his glass and placed it on the table. He was sorry I was getting that, but those words were taking time to come out. "It's late. For this cancer, there is no cure, and it's already spread. Symptoms will not be shown till the last day." "What the hell? You have to be kidding me. How is it even possible? Get experts and do something. You can't give up." "You can have a second opinion, but trust me, I have done it thoroughly." "How he was stopping, the words were not coming out, and I knew exactly what he was going to ask. How many days, months, or years did he have?" The doctor immediately averted his eyes. By taking a long breath, he spoke. "It's days, and it's counting."
Tears started rolling from Gray's eyes. For the first time, I was blank, thinking about Gray. I wanted to console him, but I was terrified to approach him. Gray abruptly left the doctor's cabin, and I started running behind him. Before I could get a hold of him, he took the car and left. I was beyond paranoid about what could happen next. I hailed the taxi immediately and informed the driver to follow the car.
The car was parked abruptly. Gray came outside and started running toward the beach. Near the shore, he started screaming at the top of his lungs. I ran to where he was. "Gray." I was trying to hold him back, stop him but he yanked his hand forcefully. "Don't fucking touch me. Don't." I was stunned on the spot. His anger-filled face followed by his tears was making me nervous. I took a few steps back from him for the first time to give him the space that he needed and wow, the timing was fucking admirable.
He was crying soon followed by hiccups. "I was getting there irrespective of the traps you were netting I was fucking getting there. I was trying to get over everything. I am stubborn and you are fucking monster every time you are ruining my fucking life. Once again you are taking me to the edge and pushing me. You are fucking always doing this to me.
He collapsed on the ground. I stayed glued for a few more seconds and I couldn't. I took cautious steps approached him and hugged him tightly. He tried his best to get rid of my grip, but my grip was stronger like any second he would vanish before me. He was crying, crying, crying, and I was not getting how to make his tears stop, and I didn't have enough courage to wipe them. I let him cry his heart out.
Now, I was worried about him more than me. He is definitely going to do something for himself before me. I betrayed and trapped him every time. How the hell was I going to overcome this one? Destiny played his role, and I am bound to surrender myself. I am not afraid of dying, but I don't want him to follow me.
"I told you to leave me alone. I fucking begged too, but I never meant this way." After hearing those words my hold was even tighter. Tears were following from both of our eyes. What the hell should I do? What about him? "What about me? Who is going to take care of me? Mark my words, I am leaving this world before you." These were not mere threatening words that were coming out he meant every fucking word. If I didn't do something, he would definitely keep his word. I have to come up with something.
I don't know for how many hours we stayed that way.
"I am sorry." The words were left unknowingly, and I don't know whether they served their purpose at present. Why was I even sorry? For the past doing or leaving him in the middle when I knew he was depended on most.
I wanted to say three words that had stuck for a decade and never dared to leave my mouth, but I couldn't. His hiccups were making everything worse. My grip was tighter, but I couldn't bring my hand to wipe his tears or say any soothing words. It's going to be okay. It felt bizarre.
I was afraid, for the first time in my life, of leaving him behind. Even more afraid if he follows me. What about Gray after I am gone? This was the first question that started bugging me when I learned about my cancer. He is not ready for anything, and how is he going to stand alone and face everything in my absence? I should prepare him, but from where should I start?
When I was trying to find answers to erupting questions back to back, my hold on him was getting tighter and tighter. He was in the crook of my neck, hiccupping, and I was in a daze. I am not fucking afraid to die, but I dread leaving him alone to deal with everything.
"I hate you." "I know." "You can't keep doing this to me. It's. it's...." "Usssshhhh."
"You can't leave me when I am getting there you can't back off now after everything. I don't know who else to hate in my life. Don't do this to me mark my words I won't forgive you this time."
His days when I am gone, and I can't even imagine not even for a second. At last, his life going to get fucked up because of my permanent disappearance.
At some point in time, he passed out. I remove the hair stands that covered his face. He looks distraught, and it will get worse in the coming days, and once again, I won't be by his side to console him or give him a shoulder to lean on.
Why him? Why us?
I love you. I love you so much and once again like thousands of times before expressing these words when it's not reaching his ears.
By kissing his forehead, I carried him toward our car.