I was falling. After knowing everything and going through so much in the past yet again, I was falling. The peak of my stupidity. I should not continue this, but if Joshua is around me, I can't control anything. I need him to move out of my apartment and my life permanently. Getting used to him is dangerous, and he is fucking dangerous in every way.
The headphones were on my ear with loud music, but still, my thoughts were not getting diverted. He can't capture my attention this way. He doesn't have any fucking rights. Once again, cursing, I was making my way to the restaurant. David started to give concerning signals toward me, and yeah, he was a hell of worried but not questioning anything. I should start to develop this opening-up thing, like sharing every goddam thing. I should fucking open up. But where in hell should I start if I open up? was my biggest question. Like from childhood. That is going to take forever, and yeah, no one is that free to hear anything. David would, up to some point.
I hate how I am. I hate how easily I would give in. I hate how anyone would take advantage of me again and again. I hate fucking not learning lessons from everything that happened. I hate how easily I would be manipulated. I hate when my feelings still linger on one bastard. I hate it when I don't have control over anything that is happening, especially my feelings.
It's been five months, and everything is still the same. He literally moved to my room, and I couldn't stop him; it was my fucking flat. I was still battling with annoyance and exhaustion. He would always get on my nerves, and at night everything would be forgotten. I was definitely not smitten, but I am acting like I was. This only pushes me to more annoyance.
After finishing the work, I made my way to my flat. As I entered, I saw Joshua in the kitchen, cooking. He was early; it was rare to be home so early. I made my way to the room.
We were at the dining table, having dinner."Congratulations, Gray; you are finally getting rid of me. My dream home is ready; I mean, done with the construction." "Good to hear. So, when the hell are you finally moving from here?"While chuckling."Well, that depends on you."Here we go. Till now, I have learned one thing: nothing goes easy with this bastard."How come?" "I want you to come with me to check out my new home." "Why would I fucking do that? Are you making any sense?" "I am not forcing you. Until your visit, I am not budging from this place, and I need your opinion on the same. So, take your time, and you can decide. Tomorrow I am free and your day off. So, you can take the whole night to decide." "Why the fuck will you always make me lose my temper? Your house, your family going to stay—why do my visit and opinion matter on this? How the hell is anything related to me?" "Gray, if you want me to get the hell out of your flat, come with me, or else the choice is yours." "As if you are giving me a fucking choice over here." Hey, I am not forcing you, and it's your call to make." "By trapping, getting your way is fucking called giving a choice and not forcing, right?" "I can't help it. I am a businessperson, and I do get my way."I was controlling, and around him, it's becoming a habit. A day or a maximum of two days, you are getting rid of this bastard. There is no need to waste energy. I continued having without uttering a word.
The next day, I was ready, sitting on the couch, waiting for him. Going and giving opinions is not a fucking hard task. If he wants that, let me give it to him, and I can be at ease. Joshua came out of the room and was shocked for a few seconds, followed by a chuckle. "Common, let's go."I was following him.
We were in his car, and the whole ride he was busy attending a few business calls and doing something on his laptop. How busy was he? He is getting back-to-back calls and busy in front of the laptop, and he fucking said that he was free today. Why the hell am I complaining?
The car was parked at the gate. We started walking. The first glimpse of this house, anyone would fall in love with it. Yeah, obviously, it's a mansion. Most of the part, of this mansion was covered in glass, and dark brown and black wood were used, which gave it its unique beauty. As we were passing, I saw the garden again; it was a vast area, and flowers were already blooming. "I guess there are a total of 8, no, I guess 12 rooms." I nodded my head. He doesn't know how many rooms he has in his own mansion. "Most of the things were imported from Italy. There are two swimming pools. I have left the back side of the mansion empty. I have not decided what to do with that." In response, I nodded my head for everything; he had poured so much into this mansion alone. Yeah, dream house only once it is built; he got money, not a big deal. He gave so much other information about the garden, staff, chef, and other workers. I did not get why I needed to know irrelevant things, but I promptly nodded my head.
We entered the house, and yeah, only 'uff' came out of my mouth, and a chuckle from Joshua, who was observing my every expression, not to forget my wide mouth still taking its time to close. I have seen a lot of houses, mansions, bungalows, and whatnot. When I was a billionaire, I was staying in a mansion; my dad had taken me to his business partner's house and my friend's place, and so on. But this one was totally different; I was not sure how to describe it through words.
Chandlers, curtains, dining table, couch, vases—everything was usual and would be present in any other mansion. But everything felt unique over here, due to its cost or beauty, God knows. I was struck on the spot and couldn't take my eyes off of anything. Everything was screaming for attention for at least five minutes or more. In a day, is it possible to cover the entire mansion? was my biggest question.
"You are free to explore. I will be waiting over here, ok?"By nodding my head, I started walking but halted my step after taking a few. There were high chances of getting lost, and to come back, I may take forever. So, I spoke. "Guide me. I don't want to lost; it's huge." By chuckling, he nodded his head, and we started walking.
There were actually 15 rooms, not 12. "I am exhausted." "We covered barely 30%." "Geez, why anyone wants such a big house is beyond me." "Stop complaining; when we reach the hall, you can have something. Gain your bloody energy; day by day, it's diluting." "Hey, knock it off." "Don't shout; save your energy; we are going to explore my room. After that, we will have something."
We were in Joshua's room. Obviously, it's spacious. It was like, inside a mansion, there was a house. So, one can imagine how his bedroom was. Whatever energy I left, definitely it will get drained by just exploring his room. There were so many wardrobes: a fridge, a mini bar counter, a couch set, and one on the balcony. A mini garden near the windows. His room was covered by glass and wood. Blue paint on the available places. I checked the wardrobes, which were already set, and there were many empty ones. Apart from the main door to his room, there were three other doors that adjoined the bathroom. I started checking the washroom, which was covered in glass. I turned to him by raising an eyebrow."No one can see a dam thing from outside."I nodded my head. The bathroom was covered with whitetails, usually items, and more cabinets. Again, I couldn't help but feel 'uff' and I was exhausted.
He came near me and said, "I hoped you liked it." "Well, I have to search for what not to like. You have taken a good amount of time on your room for sure, and yeah, it's astonishing." "Thank you. Shall we." We started making our way to the hall.
He informed his chef, and after a few minutes, snacks and drinks were placed in front of me. I started having the same, and Joshua was busy attending to some calls. Again, the same question popped into my mind: How busy was this guy? Running a company is sure to be a busy thing and definitely it's not my cup of tea, in fact never was in the past.
I was done by the time he came back and joined me. "I think we are done right. In a day, I don't think we can cover everything. Maybe some other day." "Yeah, that's for sure. But you need to visit one more room." "One more?" "Yeah, and it's an important one." "We covered almost every room, right?" Yeah, we have covered the rooms inside the mansion. There is one more I have built separately, and after that, I will call off the day. Common." With that, we started walking.
We started walking toward the garden area again, which was like an acre, I guess. There was a path we started walking on; after walking for half a km, there was a small house, and it was not a dam room. From the distance itself, the house was beautiful and was covered by so many flowerpots and other plants. And yeah, I fell in love with it at that second. It felt like heaven.
"My mom loves flowers and gardening so much. She loved growing every possible thing."By saying that, he opened the door. I was stunned and dumbstruck on the spot.
This room belongs to his mother who was lying on the bed. Joshua after taking a long shaky breath started walking toward the bed, took his place on the same bed, and started soothing her hair.
I was still at the door, observing her pale features. What caught my attention even more was the pictures on the wall. His childhood pictures were with his family, with his late sister, and most of the pictures were with his mom. No recent photos were tagged for obvious reasons.
I was still in the same place, not knowing how to react when I compared his mom in the photo to the person lying on the bed who looked pale—in other words, almost skeleton-like. The monitor was running, medicines were lying, and the room was once again covered with flowers. This place was totally turned into a garden; with different kinds of flowers, and I started sweating.
"She was not like this, as far as I remember. Always lively and cheerful, she made my childhood memorable, at least for a few years."Joshua started sobbing; his eyes were glued to his mother's face.
"Why, Gray, has everything turned upside down? Why did she need to go through these things? Day by day, she is becoming paler and paler, and always my heart aches after my visit."Again, he was sobbing, my breath was getting heavy, my mind was blank, and tears started flowing.
By making up my mind I started moving toward Joshua, and my every step was heavy. I was in front of him, and he hugged me tightly, crying like a child, and I couldn't help either. I took a closer look at the women, and I saw a photo on the wall. I felt a pang in my heart. She had a round face, Joshua's eyes, and a perfect smile that would warm anyone, just like Joshua's smile. Most of the features of Joshua came from his mom. The woman on the bed looks bonny, with only skin covering her. Everything has been shaded; for almost 14 to 15 years, she has been in a coma. What one could expect.
I felt suffocation not by Joshua's tight hug on my waist but by everything. Whatever I had gone through in the past was nothing in front of the woman who was living dead. Once again, my dad's doing was like a hard slap on my face. The first time I was facing her, the feeling that was erupting after seeing her was unbearable. After a few minutes, we controlled ourselves. "My day won't start or end without seeing her face. Daily at least once I will visit her. My dad and sister completely stopped coming over here. My dad maybe visits sometimes, and my sister only when there is a special occasion. The reason was obvious: no one in my family can't stand her state day by day which is diminishing."
Joshua was standing near the window, and I was behind him, and I hadn't uttered a word till now. I don't know what words should come out at this point or how. In the first place, any words coming from my mouth would soothe him. Joshua turned and was facing me.
"The doctor informed us to count the days, any day, any time. From the past few months, whatever hope we had completely gone after hearing the doctor's word."He was crying by placing his head on my chest; this is too much to intake, every goddam word that was coming out of his mouth.
"She has been on that bed for the past fucking 14 years; does she deserve this? He was holding my shirt collar. She is neither going nor coming back and now we have confirmed that she is not coming back. Why the hell did she have to go through everything? Why the hell us? Why the hell my family?" By saying that, he pushed me onto the floor and, while he was on top of me, started choking my neck. I was not shocked by his actions.
"Do you think she deserves this? Do you think my family deserves any of this? Can you assume what I was going through when I was around your family? Do you have any experience being around murderers? Do you know how it feels when I see her this way? Do you know how I felt when I cremated my own sister? She was fucking six when she was dead. Do you know how it feels to have everything turned upside down and pushed into hell? Do you fucking have any idea?"He released the hold on my neck when he felt I was suffocating and started sobbing on my chest. I didn't utter a word, but I was soothing his back.
"It fucking hurts every day after that incident, every fucking second. The agony always tempts me to do so many things, and I can't help it. Don't you think whatever I had done to your family was nothing compared to what we had gone through? I can't help any fucking thing that has happened. I can't. When my dad doesn't step into this room, it's fucking hurts. When my sister always feels dread to step into this room, it's fucking hurts. When we visit our sister's grave, it's fucking hurts while returning. We have every fucking thing, but still, from Day 1 after the incident, we felt empty. With money, and without money, it's the same feelings; not even a percent change occurred in our lives. Yeah, I have become more heartless. My dad lives for the sake of us. My sister always finds a reason to visit her own mom. Till today, nothing has changed. Waiting for her death at any moment hurts like anything. Why Gray? Why us?"
This was the first time I had seen him in tears; that was enough for me to break, and his words made my whole body numb.
We were in the same position; At some point he had fallen asleep, and I was wide awake, soothing his back. I didn't want to think about any of his words, his agony, or especially his tears, but my mind kept rewinding everything, word by word.