Three days had passed since I was forced to do Lolocco's homework.
It was a workday. Again.
Still, that didn't mean we had sports-war. The lucky bastards of the Lapelico Kingdom, who usually challenged me on this stuff, were hibernating. Was I sad about it? Hell no! Let them snooze for the rest of eternity.
Anyway, I still had to come to the Mulnite Imperial Palace, despite the shivering cold.
My job for the day would consist of holing up in my office to sign documents of cryptic purpose, along with supervising my subordinates' training and hearing them out if they wanted advice. A million times better than war, that was for sure.
Yet as I walked down the hallways of the palace, I couldn't help but feel that something was off.
It was noisy in here. Civil servants were running every which way around the Palace, yelling the whole while. Just then, I heard a dainty scream, and the government officials crashed into one another, their papers scattering all about the hallway.
"…What's with everyone? Are they busy because it's the end of the year?" I asked Vill as I helped pick up some documents.
"Well…" She brought her fingers to her chin, no intention of giving us a hand. "It must be because the Pope is coming."
"The Pope?" I handed someone the papers. "Oh, here you go."
"Th-th-thank you so much, Commander Gandesblood!" the civil servant responded with a bow.
C'mon, don't be so scared. Why's everyone like this? I'm as calm as a whale in the sea!
"The head of the Holy Church is traveling here all the way from the Holy City of Lehysia in the Dark Core Zone. They want to do some cultural exchange with the Mulnite Empire or something."
"Huh. You know, my sister has started going to church recently…"
"The Holy Church has been gaining many followers of late. Perhaps the people have begun looking to God for peace of mind after the Six Nations War… Whatever their reasons, it's got nothing to do with us in the Seventh Unit. We're all the kind of people to flip the bird at God anyway."
"Okay, but listen, don't you go actually giving the finger to the people coming in from the Holy City, okay? Got it?"
"I understand. The Pope is a believer among believers, after all. If we dared to deny the existence of God before their eyes, the Holy Knights might turn Mulnite into a sea of flames. The list of cities destroyed throughout history is not a short one."
"…"
Holy fudge. All right, I'm keeping quiet as a mouse if I come across the Pope.
"We'll be fine." Vill smiled. "The Holy Church comes with friendly intentions. They even sent us a giant idol as proof of our bond."
"A what?"
"A hundred-foot tall bronze statue of their god. Look, they placed the sacred figure in that corner of the Mulnite Imperial Palace." Vill pointed out the window.
Far off in the distance, I saw a giant mass covered in cloth. Perhaps they were going to unveil it at a ceremony later today or something. I felt like that couldn't be anything but baggage for the Mulnite government…but I dismissed the hunch telling me something was wrong as unfounded.
I had destroyed the Daydream Paradise hotel in summer. Then the ten-billion-yen vase at the Amatsu manor in fall. Was there any guarantee I wouldn't also break something of value this winter?
I gotta make sure the Seventh Unit guys stay put when the Pope arrives… Or wait, what if they're here already?
"Hey, Vill. I don't have to do anything for this thing, right?"
"The Seventh Unit hasn't received any orders. According to what I heard, they'll have a meeting in the Mulnite Imperial Palace, but that should only be for a meal with Her Majesty."
So it's got nothing to do with me. Got it.
Still, the sheer… pompous (popeous?) sound of the title gave me a very bad feeling. Perhaps the best course of action was cooping up inside the Crimson Tower and waiting for the storm to pass.
"Commander! Good morning."
Then I heard the voice of the devil. Before I knew it, that dried-tree-like vampire was standing behind me. It was still too early in the morning to be confronted with Caostel Conto's eerie grin.
"Glad to see you here. It's getting chilly, isn't it?"
"Yeah. Take care not to catch a cold!"
"Ohh! The compassion! It should be you at the seat of God, Commander, instead of the Holy Church's deity!"
Stop. Don't say that out loud. Who knows who could be listening!
"Caostel, please be more respectful of God."
"I always am! The Seventh Unit will always unite to rip apart anyone who dares commit heresy against our Commander!"
"Are you even following what I'm saying?"
"Of course I am. More people should revere you as the divine leader you are. The PR team is always thinking of ways to communicate your wonders to the world."
Yeah, you're not following.
By the way, my Seventh Unit was divided in six teams:
1. The conspiracy team, led by Special Lieutenant Villhaze. Fifty members.
2. The PR team, led by Lieutenant Caostel Conto. One hundred members.
3. The wrecking team, led by Lieutenant Bellius Hund Cerbero. One hundred members.
4. The kamikaze team, led by Lieutenant Yohann Helders. One hundred members.
5. The raid team, led by Captain Mellaconcey. One hundred members.
6. The special team, currently without leader. Fifty members. They'd been fighting to the death to see who would lead it for a while. Don't ask me why.
But to be honest, I just thought of them all as the "berserk team." Regardless, my troops seemed to be very particular about the composition of their organization, and they always proudly introduced themselves as "XX from the X team of Gandesblood's Seventh Unit."
Now, back to the story.
"…Work as hard as you want, but please just don't cause any trouble."
"Roger. I believe you will find our new PR proposal to be of huge impact and importance. See, we're thinking about building a Terakomari Gandesblood statue."
"What are you talking about?"
"A bronze statue of you, Commander. Oh, don't worry about the construction costs. Everyone in the Seventh Unit is in favor of the project, and we're pooling our own funds to make it."
"That's not the problem. I don't need a statue."
"Oh, but you do. That's the best way to convey your greatness to the people."
"He has a point. As you might remember, Madhart had an effigy of his own in front of the Executive Office in Aruka," Vill chimed in.
"Right?! There's nothing that says power quite like a statue!"
"No, not right! Why would I follow in Madhart's footsteps?!"
"Oh, but ours will be far greater than the one in Gerra-Aruka. As a matter of fact, it's already nearly complete."
Caostel handed me a picture. And there I was, all in bronze, wearing a huge smile on my face and flashing peace signs with my hands. My cheeks burned with embarrassment.
"We tried emphasizing your cuteness over your strength for the first one. It's a little over a hundred feet tall."
That's some godlike scale!
"Please let us know if you have any requests. We can add anything you like to it."
"Oh, I have many requests! Too many to put into words!"
"If I may put one forward myself, I think it should shoot lasers from its eyes at the push of a button," Vill suggested.
"No one asked you!!" I shrieked back.
"That sounds magnificent! Let's set it to shoot at Lapelico's Royal Capital!" Caostel added.
"Are you trying to start a war?!?!"
I would actually die, in multiple ways, if they implemented Vill's suggestion. And wait, did he just say for the first one? They're making more?? I had to stop my troops before we got a second coming of the Commander T-shirts! Those were still being sold, by the way. They released a new variation every month.
"Uh, Caostel… We can't…"
"Don't worry. We've already selected where to place it."
"No, listen, you gotta…"
"Lieutenant Conto! There's trouble!"
Troops from my unit, Caostel's direct subordinates, showed up from the end of the corridor.
"What is it? And don't run in the hallways."
"Look over there! That's where we were going to place our statue! But someone's already put another one there!"
"What?!" Caostel looked out the window and narrowed his eyes like a thief surrounded by the police. "This is certainly troublesome… We scoped out that place a week ago. I was overjoyed to have found such a perfect spot—it's practically made for hosting a statue."
Well, I'm pretty sure that was the case. Just not for my statue!
"I can't allow this. We won't let them get away with illegally dumping their garbage on the place where our Komari statue will stand!"
"Hold on, Caostel, the thing is, that's…"
"There's no time to lose! Let's go investigate!"
"Please listen…"
""Roger!!""
Woosh! Caostel and his troops dashed through the hallways, leaving me in the dust.
I felt waves of despair crash in on me. The pieces of my demise were slowly but surely coming together. History was bound to repeat itself. I was toast.
"What now, Vill?! We gotta stop them before they cause trouble!"
"And how can we do that?"
"...…...."
Nothing came to mind.
Hey, Caostel wouldn't actually destroy a statue of God for no reason, right? Oh, but he would. He was second in the "Seventh Unit Crazy Leaders" ranking. Mellaconcey was first place, btw. Then came Yohann, Vill, and Bellius, in that order.
Rankings aside, they were all crazy enough. There was not a single decent soul around me.
I wanna quit already. Oh, that reminds me, Twilight Triangle will be getting published as my reward for participating in the Heavenly Ball. Karla should be getting in touch with the publisher around now. Hope that happens soon.
"I know what to do, Vill. I'll escape reality."
"Very well. Want to do it while lying on my chest?"
"Nope."
Anyway, the only thing I could do now was hope for the best. Pushing my anxieties out of mind, I started to head back to my office. All right, time to take a nap by the fireplace while pretending to work. Just as I began escaping reality as announced…
"Hello. Would you happen to know where the Bloody Hall is?"
…I heard a voice call out to me. A voice sounding as if it was echoing from another world.
I looked around in surprise and found a girl. A vampire with blond hair like the cold moon, tied up in pigtails. She looked about my age, but her mellow vibes made her resemble an antique doll. So serene! She wore a strange, brimless hat that was emblazoned with a symbol of a slanted cross pierced by an arrow.
What stood out to me about her more than anything, however, was the lollipop in her mouth. Walking around with candy on a stick was pretty dangerous in my opinion; what if she tripped?
"Um, uh… Who are you?"
"I'm sorry. I'm Spica La Gemini. People also call me Julius VI," she said, plucking the sucker from her mouth. It was as red as an apple.
She trained her starry eyes on mine. I still had no idea who she was. The daughter of a court aristocrat? Was she here to deliver the lunch her daddy had forgotten back home? Whatever the case, I really didn't need to pry further into this. I stared right back at her.
"The Bloody Hall is over there. Want me to show you the way?"
"Thank you, but I shouldn't take any more of your time."
"But…um, are you meeting someone from the Court?"
"Yes, I have things to do here. Though I must say, the Mulnite Court is much livelier than I expected. It almost seems like they're getting up to some trouble. Do you happen to know what is going on, Crimson Lord Terakomari
Gandesblood?"
That took me off guard, but then I realized it wasn't that weird. I was already a household name thanks to Caostel's PR and Melka's phony newspaper articles.
"…Yeah, they do seem pretty busy. I heard the Pope's coming, so I guess they're preparing for that?"
"My, I see. I wonder what sort of person this Pope is."
"I heard she's a total berserker, quick to lose her temper. You should watch out for her, too. She might kill you if you so much as imply blasphemy."
The look in Spica's eyes seemed to change. But then she nodded along like nothing had happened.
"Oh. That is frightening. And how would you avoid angering her, Commander Gandesblood?"
"Hmm… I'd just pay her some compliments, I guess. Talk about how cool God is or whatever. That should do the trick."
"Wouldn't you be at risk of digging your own grave by lying?"
"Maybe…but I think it's better to avoid any needless friction, you know?"
The girl grinned, then spun the lollipop in her hand as she said:
"You're really nothing to sneeze at. I see now why my brethren have their eyes on you."
"Huh? What'd you say?"
"Nothing. Thank you for giving me directions." She turned her foot, but then she stopped as something came to mind. She looked at me again and, nonchalantly, said, "So, about God…"
"Huh?"
"Do you believe in Him?"
What's she on about?
"I—I don't know… I think it's up to the individual whether God exists or not."
"I'm asking for your personal opinion."
"Well, I think it would be better if He did. But I haven't met Him, so I can't really say I fully believe. It's like the tsuchinoko, y'know?"
"So you won't believe in anything you can't see. I think that's a bit narrow-minded."
"Maybe, but hey…"
If an almighty, omniscient God really existed like the Holy Church said, then I felt like the world should've been a better place. More specifically, a paradise in which no one had to work or go outside ever. Sadly, the real world was hell—I had to go to war even on Saturdays and Sundays. It was like my week has two Mondays and two Fridays. So no, God might as well not have existed. If He did, then He was one lazy bastard.
I gave her an abbreviated version of my thoughts.
"I see," Spica whispered. "So there are still many who think like you out there."
"What d'you mean?"
"I was just thinking about the purification. In any case, I must be on my way."
She put the lollipop back in her mouth and left for the Bloody Hall.
Purification? Is she cleaning up the place or something? What a weird girl. Probably not any regular vampire. I'd say she's got a non-vampire parent, going off her vibes. Hope she finds the room…
"As astonishing as always, Lady Komari," Vill said out of nowhere. "This is why they call you the slaughter champion. You have no fear stating radical ideas like denying the existence of God in the face of the Pope of the Holy Church. And not only that—you even called her a berserker who's quick to lose her temper. I wish I had a single shred of your bravery."
"Hmm? What'd you just say?"
"Huh? I was saying how much I would love to fondle your thighs right now."
"No, you didn't say that!! You mentioned the Pope!"
"Yes, I did. Julius VI—Spica La Gemini, that is—is Her Holiness, resident of the Holy City Lehysia. Surely you must have made the connection."
"…Huh??"
"Remember the slanted cross and arrow on her hat? That is the emblem of the Holy Church. And I heard she was meeting Her Majesty the Empress at the Bloody Hall."
My eyes turned into dots. Wha—? That was the Pope? I was picturing an old guy like Helldeus! …You mean a vampire my age is the head of the Holy Church? Wait, why's she waltzing around the Palace like it's nothing? How'd she get lost? No, maybe I just imagined the whole thing.
"For real?" I asked Vill fearfully.
"For real," she answered calmly.
Then the full consequences of my actions hit me.
"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?! Now what?! How can I even say I'm sorry for the shit I said?! I might as well have just declared war to the girl!"
"Julius VI has a graceful appearance, but she is famous for being a hardcore bellicist. You should read her book, Tidings from the Kingdom of God. She states her intention to 'purify' every savage who doesn't believe in God."
"…You gotta be kidding me."
"I am not. You underestimate organized religion, Lady Komari."
"All right! I'll convert to the Holy Church, starting today! Surely she'll forgive me after I repent and she sees how much I regret my words and deeds! So how do I join the Church?!"
"The Holy Church's doctrine is based on love. First, you must place a hand on your chest and close your eyes. Then look for true love slumbering deep in the bottom of your heart."
"Okay… Love… Love… Love… Oh, I think I'm getting something!"
"Is love blooming within you? Now you must direct that affection to the people near to you. First, you must thank your maid for her daily efforts and pat her head."
"Got it! Pat, pat, pat…"
"Thank you. Now, you must keep on nurturing that love. Do it with a hug now. Throw yourself into my arms and…"
"Got it! …Wait, I know what you're doing, you trickster!"
I shoved her away and jumped back. Why did I believe her?! How dare you use religion as a tool for your own ambitions! You're who the Pope should be mad at!
"It's over… War's coming again…"
"Don't worry, I'm sure Her Majesty will take care of things."
"Huh? You think so?"
"She's clever, so she must have anticipated you being rude. And, of course, the Seventh Unit's rampaging is but a tiny problem. She'll take care of everything."
"I see… Yeah, I guess…"
That busty blond might be a nasty pervert, but she was also a capable one. Apparently, she'd even acted behind the scenes to ensure things would go well during the Six Nations War and the Heavenly Ball. Plus, Daddy was always grumbling about how she was so capable that she really didn't need a chancellor.
With that in mind, I started feeling like things would work out. Surely the Pope would understand. Although I should probably still offer her an official apology.
"Okay. Let's forget about the Pope stuff for now, then."
"Now we're talking. Well then, let's go to the office."
"Yup."
Weight lifted from my shoulders, I started to head back there, when I saw a woman rushing from the end of the hallway.
Gee, things sure are hectic today, huh? I sighed as I kept on walking, but then my eyes met hers, and I turned back around. My survival instincts kicked in, yelling at me to hide behind a pillar, but it was all for naught. She grabbed my arm tightly.
"Ms. Gandesblood! Why are you trying to hide?!"
"I'm not! I just saw a hamster behind that column, and I wanted to get a closer look!"
"There's no hamster! I know you've been avoiding me lately!"
Lately? Hah, I've been doing that since the very beginning.
It was THE aristocrat herself, the lady with the almond-shaped eyes and wood-ear-mushroom-like hair: Crimson Lord Flöte Mascarail. She looked down upon me with her usual high-handed glare. This was the last person I wanted to meet in the Mulnite Imperial Palace. Out of the frying pan and into the fiery pits of hell.
"Leeet meee gooo! If you wanna fight, then you gotta go through Vill and Sakuna and Nelia and Karla first, then grab a die and roll six consecutive sixes. Then, and only then, will I consider it!"
"How many barriers do you need?! I'm not here to fight you!"
"But you're like the queen of berserkers! You're always ready to rumble! I'm pretty sure you're the number one reason why we Crimson Lords get called a bunch of brutes!"
"What did you just saaay?!"
"Lady Komari, you've become a true master of adding fuel to the fire. I kneel."
I braced myself for Flöte to draw her sword…but it didn't happen. Surprisingly enough, she sighed and let me go.
Something was off. Her impeccable noble front had crumbled; she was showing weakness. Had she stayed up all night or something? Curious, Vill pointed it out.
"Lady Mascarail, what is the matter? You've got more wrinkles than usual."
"Do you have a death wish?" Flöte growled.
"Vill, please don't provoke her."
"I'm sorry. I just counted them, and it seems you do have the same number of wrinkles as before." Vill corrected herself.
I curled myself up for the coming shock wave. Another Crimson Match coming right up! Now including one Komari death.
I could feel the storm brewing as Flöte shook her whole body, red in the face, but then she took a deep breath to calm down. Seeing her act like the adult in the situation just made me feel bad. It was almost like we were the bad guys.
She stared at me and calmly asked:
"…Have you seen Lady Karen?"
"Huh? No… I haven't."
Flöte put on a grimace before revealing the startling news that would lead to my demise:
"I can't seem to find her. She's going to miss her meeting with Her Holiness the Pope."
It turned out the reason why the officers were all hurrying about was because the Empress had vanished out of the blue.
Flöte said the Empress had been cooped up in her room for the last week, officially because of a cold, but I surmised this was a lie. As we all know, idiots don't catch colds. By that same logic, I believe perverts don't, either.
"Lady Karen?! Lady Kareeen?! Where are youuu?!"
Snow fell silently around the Mulnite Imperial Palace.
I was with Flöte, helping her look for the Empress. The whole palace was searching for her, actually. You could hear "Your Majestyyy! Your Majestyyy!" all over the place. However, no one was having any luck finding her.
"…It's no use. There's no trace of her," Vill said as she opened the incinerator hatch.
Well, good thing there's no trace of her inside that thing!
"She must not be in the Mulnite Imperial Palace. There are other people looking for her with Void Magic, too, so I'm thinking she's not in the Imperial Capital at all."
I had the Seventh Unit guys looking for her, too. Their reactions to the request was as followed: "Where're you hiding, Your Majesty?!" "Stop wasting the Commander's time!" "Get out here right now, or we'll fucking kill you!" "You're dead meat either way!" What are they, the yakuza? Actually…yeah, they pretty much are…
"We can't find her. She probably got killed by some terrorist or whatever." Blond Yohann Helders came to a terrible conclusion.
Killed?! I mean, sure, the terrorists have been pretty active lately…but I don't think Pervert Empress is so weak as to let that happen.
"And the Empress didn't say anything to my dad, either, Vill?"
"We'd know where she was already if she had… By the way, Lady Mascarail, does Her Majesty disappear like this frequently?"
"Of course not," she said, the words you idiot implied in her tone. "Lady Karen might be eccentric, but she's a responsible ruler. There must be extraneous circumstances at hand."
"But she is making Her Holiness wait. It's already become a diplomatic issue."
"True… The head of the Holy City is here, and we must get the Empress to receive her! Gosh! Lady Karen, wherever could you be?!"
"Maybe she slept in? I do it all the time," I suggested.
"She's not like you, you lazy vampire!"
Fair enough. I didn't know about the Empress's private life, but I could hardly picture her in bed mumbling, "Five more minutes!"
The situation aside, it sure was cold.
I rubbed my hands together and exhaled. Gazing at the snow falling like fluffy pieces of cotton from the sky, I thought, I wanna go back to my heated room already.
I was chilled to my core. Maybe the Mulnite Imperial Army uniform was lacking in protection from frigid weather. See, this poor little vampire was weak against the heat and the cold. At this rate, I would wind up freezing to death before we could find the Empress.
Where is she, even? Maybe she went out shopping? As I grumbled internally, I noticed Yohann staring at me.
"…What? You hungry or something?"
"N-no! I was just thinking if you'd like me to warm you up with my ma—EEK!"
Yohann was blown away by his own subordinates. The guy was still rolling on the floor as they yelled: "Die, you insolent bastard!" "How many times do we have to tell you not to pull that shit?!" "Grovel and die three times over!" "How about you warm me up? With your blood!"
I had no idea what was going on and was too scared to find out, so I pretended I hadn't seen anything.
"My, my," Vill whispered as she grabbed my hand all of a sudden. "You're freezing. I will make you a pair of gloves for the winter."
"Huh? No, I think I already have some in the closet."
"Yes, but I want to knit you a pair. And a scarf, too. Sadly, that would take some time, so please make do with a scarf made of your own maid's skin for now."
"A skin scarf? What the…? Hey, get off me! Stop! Don't hug me! I mean, you're warming me up, but this is too embarrassing… But so warm… But so embarrassing…"
"What are you two doing in broad daylight?!" Flöte yelled at us.
I came to my senses and escaped from my maid's arms. What had I been thinking?
"Listen, the honor of Mulnite is at stake right now. We need to get in contact with Her Majesty or…"
"Lady Flöte! Terrible news!"
Just then, a vampire came running from afar. I felt like I recognized him…kinda… Maybe he was Flöte's subcommander? Pale in the face, he kneeled as soon as he approached her.
"It's the Pope. Her Holiness…"
"Calm down, Bachelard. What happened?"
"I am very sorry… Chancellor Gandesblood was buying us some time, but it appears Her Holiness has finally lost her patience… She's saying that we need to bring a surrogate if the Empress won't show, otherwise she'll break off relations."
"What…?"
I had a very bad feeling about this.
See, in Mulnite, military officers were of higher standing than civil ones.
The Empress, coming from a Crimson Lord background, was number one. The Chancellor, who oversaw internal affairs and was the head of civil officers, was only number three.
The next in line after the Empress were the Seven Crimson Lords. So, Flöte and me and the others. The structure of power was clearly ridiculous, but it had been this way since time immemorial.
Well, there's six other Crimson Lords, right? Actually, five, I guess. Either way, it doesn't have to be me.
"So she wants to see a Crimson Lord?"
"Yes, it seems so. She doesn't seem to care who specifically she sees, just that they're of the highest authority in the Empire."
"Whew. Hey, I just remembered I have some work to do. You can take care of things, right, Flöte?"
I turned around nonchalantly, but then Vill grabbed my arm tightly.
"What are you saying, Lady Komari?! We must go see the Pope! It should be you cleaning up Her Majesty's mess, since you're the strongest candidate to succeed her! This is not a job that measly Flöte Mascarail can take care of!"
"Let me gooo! Stop provoking heeer!"
"Cleaning up after her mess?! The strongest candidate to succeed her?! I've had enough of your buffoonery! I can't let a clown like you handle things!" Flöte asserted.
"My maid's the clown, not me!"
"Um, do you have any problem with Lady Komari's methods? Very well, then. Let's see who can put Her Holiness back in a good mood. Or will you back down from the challenge?" Vill said.
"I told you not to provoke her!" I shouted.
"Fine! It is obvious the Mulnite Empire would fall if I left it in Ms. Gandesblood's hands! Let us go together!" Flöte said.
"Hey, don't listen to her silly provocations!" I protested.
"You heard Flöte, Lady Komari. Let's go show the Pope that everything's all right."
"Stop, Vill, stop pulling meee!!"
"I'll carry you there, then."
"Don't carry meee!!"
She lugged me there as if I was a suitcase.
Why does life never go the way I want it to? The answer is quite simple, actually: because this maid drags me everywhere against my wishes. Please just let me have one peaceful day without her… Hey, why're you putting your hand inside my clothes?! I'm gonna cry!
***
What was the Pope's objective in the first place?
Vill said she was trying to strengthen amity between the Holy Church and the Mulnite Empire. But the word was that Julius VI—Spica La Gemini—was hardcore against pagans. And she had said something about "purification" after all those crazy things had come out of my mouth earlier. I was beginning to think she hadn't been talking about cleaning.
"…Vill, is there anything I should avoid saying?"
"For starters, don't deny the existence of God."
"Um, I think it's too late for that…"
"Then we're off on the wrong foot. I think you should kowtow for forgiveness."
"It's so over! I should've brought a pudding for her or something!"
"Silence, you two! She's right there!" Flöte spat in low voice.
I shut my mouth immediately.
We were at the Bloody Hall, in the Mulnite Imperial Palace, sitting at a long, rectangular table dividing the two parties.
On one side, the Mulnite Empire: Flöte, Daddy, and me. The Seventh Unit troops were standing behind us, too, for whatever reason. They had started trailing behind me like ants the moment they heard about me going to see the Pope. The moment that happened, I hadn't been able to picture anything but doom in my future.
On the other side, the visitors from the Holy City of Lehysia. The blond girl, Spica, was sitting between two cardinals, as though they were her bodyguards. Her eyes, like blue stars in the night sky, bore right into mine. I froze up like a snowman. I had no idea what to say. Maybe I should start by talking about the weather? Then Daddy whispered into my ear:
"It's in your hands, Komari."
"Bwuh?"
Was he for real? And he didn't even stop there.
"Her Holiness is awfully upset… She won't listen to anything I say. She hasn't even touched the snacks I offered. I think she only wants to talk to someone young. You know, the next generation. So I'll just take my leave."
"Wait! You can't leave this in my hands!"
"Don't worry, Commander Mascarail is here with you. Besides! You're close to her in age. You can be friends. You got this, Komari."
"Wai…"
Then he smiled and left.
My jaw fell to the floor. Daddy just didn't want to deal with the Pope any longer.
Be friends? With the Pope? Yeah, right! If making friends were that easy, I'd be having an even brighter and more exciting youth than my little sister right about now! Imagine that! Hunkering down with all my friends to read books together every week!
But I digress.
I had to come up with a way to survive this, and fast.
"…So Her Majesty the Empress really isn't coming."
Her voice reverberated as though it had come from another world.
Julius VI—Spica—shot me a cold glare. She shook her red lollipop as she said:
"I sent a letter saying I would meet her here at noon today. I even received a response agreeing to meet me… So what happened? Is this how unimportant the Holy Church is to Mulnite?"
"Th-that's not the case at all!" Flöte said with an unsuitably polite smile. "There are many churches in the Imperial Capital. Even one of our top officers, a member of the Crimson Lords, is a priest of the Holy Church!"
"Helldeus Heaven? I personally excommunicated him last year."
""You what?!"" Flöte's and my voice overlapped.
Talk about shocking. What did he do?
"Lord Heaven was an outlaw. He didn't adhere to the Holy City's policies. We tried summoning him again and again, but he kept prioritizing his job as commander. Having someone put killing above working for God is out of the question. If he's representative of the clergymen in the Mulnite Empire, then I can only imagine how low the country's religious awareness is."
I feel like he was actually very busy. We had that whole thing with Sakuna and Inverse Moon, after all. Regardless, Spica puffed her cheeks in anger.
My men started murmuring behind me, "Who does the Pope think she is?" "I think we oughtta teach her a lesson." I had to do something before they did.
"A-anyway! Welcome to the Mulnite Empire! We're terribly sorry that the Empress isn't here to receive you, but Flöte and I are here in her stead. I hope you can forgive us!"
"Wouldn't the head of the Crimson Lords be Commander Petrose Calamaria? Why are you two freshwomen here? Should I take this as further proof of how little you think of the Holy Church?"
"Vill, she won't stop complaining. I can't do this. Go get another Crimson Lord."
"Impossible. The First Unit commander is nowhere to be found. The Second Unit commander is having a party at the orphanage. The Third Unit commander is training in the Dark Core Zone. There is no current Fifth Unit commander. And the Sixth Unit commander is on paid leave."
"Why does Sakuna get to have vacations? Do I also get paid leave?"
"No."
"Why?! You're gonna overwork me to death! It'll be on your conscience! I'm gonna write it's all my maid's fault in my will, you hear me?!"
"What are you two whispering to each other? Is this how you treat your guests?"
"I am so sorry, Your Holiness! Ms. Gandesblood, you apologize, too!"
"I'm sorry." I bowed.
Crap. This is even worse than when I met Karla.
The guys behind me made a fuss once again: "She's making the Commander bow?" "Cheeky brat." "She won't get away with this." "How about we just kill her?" "No, you'll just turn her into a lump of meat if you do that." "Ugh. Okay, fine." What's up with those last guys?
"Very well," Spica said after licking her lollipop. "Blaming you won't make time turn back. I'll just go ahead and explain why we're visiting today."
Her eyes sparkled like stars.
Then she dropped a bomb on us.
"Make the teachings of the Holy Church Mulnite's official religion."
Her demand left everyone in shock. Flöte furrowed her brow. Vill placed a finger on her chin. The Seventh Unit guys roared in commotion. Meanwhile, I simply tilted my head to the side.
"Wars have broken out across the six nations that are not for entertainment as of late. The reason is obvious: Darkness has taken hold of the hearts of the people. We believe it is our duty to clear the gloom with the light of the Holy Church."
"One second, Your Holiness! Even so, we can't—"
"Silence, Flöte Mascarail," she commanded. "I recognize the Mulnite Empire's efforts in the Six Nations War and the Heavenly Ball…but your achievements are only a result of barbaric violence. That won't solve the root of the problem. We need to change the hearts of the people if we want to achieve true peace. And only a force above worldly matters can accomplish that."
"I find your goals commendable, but I don't think we should force an ideology onto the people. We can't simply accept to make it the state religion at the drop of a hat."
"Acceptance is the first step toward peace. The world must be covered in love. Sooner or later, the light of God will envelop the Mulnite Empire—with or without the government's permission. Our clergymen are already evangelizing in the Imperial Capital. Once the people lay on the pressure, even the Empress will not be able to refuse God."
Sure enough, there were a lot of priests around the Imperial Capital lately. Even my sister was converting (though that was because of Helldeus). Spica's invasion had already begun.
Wait, is this an invasion? I don't get it, but I feel like there's something wrong with just showing up and going, "Believe in my faith, now!" That seems a bit lacking in empathy.
"To tell you the truth, Mulnite is not the first nation I've given this advice to. I already had an audience with the Enchanted Lands' Tianzi about this."
"I see. And what was their response?"
"That they'll give it proper consideration. And they didn't say so casually. They're already working on building ten churches in Jingshi."
"I hear the Enchanted Lands is weak at diplomatic negotiations. Did you happen to use any underhanded tactics?"
"Heh. You don't get it… We're merely acting in accordance with God's will." Spica sighed. "Refusing our proposal means rebelling against God. Heresy. And heretics will receive divine punishment. Specifically in the form of God's army mobilizing to turn their dwellings into a sea of flames. Surely the Enchanted Lands wanted to avoid that."
"…"
"So I insist, barbaric vampires of the Mulnite Empire: Believe in God," Spica commanded with full confidence, pointing her lollipop at.us.
Basically, she had threatened to lay waste to the Enchanted Lands if they didn't accept.
Great. Another crazy person to deal with. And she seemed to think what she was doing was totally justified.
Vill whispered to me gravely, "I think the Enchanted Lands did the right thing. The Holy City is big and strong enough to be considered a seventh nation. Their military prowess surpasses Aruka's at their peak, and they put the full weight of their beliefs behind their merciless actions. That's the Holy City for you; ready and willing to eradicate whomever they consider an enemy."
What the heck? So they're like our Seventh Unit on roids?
I glanced at Flöte. She gave me a look, too, as if saying, "I trust you know what to do." Funny how we could only understand each other under such circumstances. She meant we couldn't accept the Pope's requests—but this was no matter for her to decide unilaterally. "Yeah, yeah, I get it," I responded with another glance, while making a note to myself to reconsider the issue with the Empress at a later date. It would be stupid to resist here and now anyway.
"Ahem," I cleared my throat before giving a collected response. "I see. Yes, honoring God is important indeed. We will consider it very seriously. I just cannot give you an answer right away without the Empress present. For now, please let's enjoy the tea toge—"
"We cannot overlook your insults toward Mulnite."
I immediately felt trouble brewing.
Caostel was standing right behind me. And it wasn't just him. The Seventh Unit's berserkers were all emanating a palpable aura of rage. No. Please, no. Not now, for God's sake.
"Excuse me? Are you unhappy with God's decisions?" Caostel asked.
"We couldn't be happier! Please ignore them and have yourself some tea!"
"We couldn't be happier?! Commander, what are you saying?! You're going to let her make fun of Mulnite?! That's not how a slaughter champion ought to act!" he said.
"Oh, I meant to say I couldn't be unhappier! Spica, you twerp! Don't you find it rude to force your religion on us at our first meeting?! At the very least, let us get to know each other first!" I said.
"Ms. Gandesblood, what are you saying?! Did you hit your head or something?!" Flöte asked.
No, but feel free to hit it and knock me out right now.
My subordinates backed me up: "She's right!" "The Commander's always right!" "Go away, crooks!" Oops. I did it again.
Flöte got up in my face and panicked.
"Don't do this now, Ms. Gandesblood! I'm not saying the Mulnite Empire would lose in battle against the Holy City, but we would sustain massive losses if war were to break out! And most importantly, we can't do this without speaking to Lady Karen!"
"I know! My mouth just blabbered away of its own accord!"
"Then let me chop it off for you!" Spica interjected.
"How am I supposed to eat then?!"
"Fair," Spica said, holding in her anger. Flöte and I turned to look at her at the same time, and she took a deep breath before continuing. "Yes, you are right. Perhaps it was too hasty of me to force religion on you when you know nothing about it. I will send you a million copies of the Holy Church Scripture for starters. Make it law that all of your citizens must read it. It's especially important that your children memorize it."
"Thank you. It should serve well as a picklestone," Vill said.
"Vill! Whose side are you on here?!"
"We don't need a pile of useless books! But since winter is coming, they could make great fuel for our fireplaces!"
Stop stirring the pot alreadyyyy!!
It was already over. Spica's glare was laced with murderous desire. I could tell she was already making up plans to annihilate Mulnite. I had to do something!
Just then, Flöte rose to her feet, face stiffened.
"Oh… Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! I am sorry, Your Holiness! Mulnite's Seventh Unit is famous for their lack of morals. Please don't listen to those uncouth barbarians. Would you care for another cup of tea?"
"You heard her, Mellaconcey. Get the Pope a fresh serving of black tea."
"Check it!"
A weirdo in sunglasses crept out from under the table. The Seventh Unit's bomber jumped gracefully on the table and tap-danced as he approached the Pope. A sight right out of your worst nightmare. I yelled:
"Caostel! Make him stop!"
"Make him stop? That won't quell the Seventh Unit's anger…"
"Ugh… Don't make him stop, then… Just make sure he doesn't go overboard… Don't make her angry, okay?"
"You heard the Commander! We got her okay! Mellaconcey, give our guest some tea!"
"Roger!"
The teapot was somehow already in his hand.
Spica appeared disturbed for the first time.
"Wh-what is it with this hooligan?! Commander Gandesblood, make him stop right now!"
"Mellaconcey, don't use any explosives, okay?!"
"Check it! Julius VI is in a bad mood, so I'll use this to fix her attitude. I like it better when they smile, that's just my very own style. Let's enjoy this tea party for a while."
He rapped as he tipped the teapot from way up high toward the cup in front of the Pope.
The beautiful, ruby-like liquid succumbed to gravity and…bubble bubble splash splosh fzzz…spattered everywhere.
The droplets fell on the Pope's expensive-looking clothes, staining them. Tea overflowed from the cup. "Unbelievable!" the cardinals exclaimed. As the Pope sat there paralyzed in shock, Mellaconcey whispered in her ear:
"Enjoy the tea, m'lady."
Someone please stop him. It was, however, too late. I could hear the end of the world approaching.
Spica hit the table and stood right up. She shot me an absolute-zero glare that froze me in fright. I prepared myself for death as she smashed the lollipop in her hand and said:
"Fine. Very well. It seems I'm wasting my time trying to reason with you savages. No words will make you understand God's greatness."
"Please wait, Your Holiness!" Flöte stood up in a panic. "We will burn these heretics at the stake! Please, let's just calm down and…"
"No, I cannot keep quiet any longer while you continue to humiliate us."
"Check it! You don't want a refill?"
"No, I do not! I know just how uncivilized the Mulnite Empire is now. There's no choice but to purify it under God's migh—"
Just then, an explosion sounded.
Something was going on outside. And it didn't stop at one blast; echoes of intermittent, giant explosions shook the entire palace.
"What's happening?!" the cardinals screamed.
I had a very bad feeling about this. I'd never had good luck with explosions.
"Wh-what is that noise?"
"Seems like they're finally getting rid of it," Caostel said, a triumphant look on his face.
"What'd you mean? Don't tell me…"
"I asked my subordinates to destroy that giant eyesore. It's in the way of our Terakomari Gandesblood statue. By the way, we plan on selling the remains for use in our Unit's budget. Would you like to watch the demolition, Commander?"
"…"
It was so over. It was like it had never even begun.
The Seventh Unit guys were shooting magic at the statue from the Holy Church, and fierce blasts were echoing with every hit of their spell stream. The bronze figure quickly turned into a pile of rubble. Oh, that's gonna be me next, I thought the moment I saw them break its arm.
They truly feared no God.
Flöte's face was paralyzed in the expression of a Noh mask.
As for Spica…she looked like a gambler who had lost all her money betting on horses.
"That's… I sent that…I gifted that to Mulnite…to spread the word of God…and you treated it like garbage…"
"Oof… I'm sorry, Spica. We had no ill will, truly."
"You think…that apology solves ANYTHING?!"
She grabbed me by the collar and gave me a violent shaking. She was crying tears of anger. Oh, I'm totally getting killed right now. Her face was so frightening, though, I couldn't even run away.
"This is the first time since I took over as Pope that I've been treated so terribly! How is it even possible to be this rude?! Don't you have a lick of common sense?! Answer me! Did you even receive an education of any sort?! Not even the actual animals of the Lapelico Kingdom are this feral! May the light of God shine upon you so hard right now that you evaporate, leaving behind only a stain on the ground!"
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Seriously! Geez, it's like you're an entirely different person now!"
"How do you even expect me to keep up a front at the sight of this crap?!"
Then she shoved me away. Thankfully, Vill was there to catch me.
Spica clicked her tongue before getting another lollipop from her pocket. She put it in her mouth and apologized:
"…Excuse me. I lost my temper."
Meanwhile, the demolition was still on track. Everyone knew it was no use trying to stop the Seventh Unit at this point. Intermittent explosions continued going off as Spica sighed.
"…The sweetness keeps my mind cool. Would you like to try it?" she asked as she offered me a lollipop.
Its red color reminded me of blood. I took a step back subconsciously.
"N-no, thanks. I'm good."
"Wise," she said, for whatever reason. She let out another heavy sigh before staring at the pile of rubble. "There was no point in me coming all the way here. The Chancellor only gave me creepy smiles, and the Seventh Unit insulted me with their every action. I should've simply waited for Her Majesty the Empress to arrive."
"Yeah… I'm sure she'll be here any minute now…"
Then Vill whispered into my ear, "Lady Komari, I heard Her Majesty isn't anywhere in Mulnite."
"Huh? For real?"
"Yes. I doubt she will be back by today…"
"I can hear you. Whatever, I imagined as much. The Thunderbolt Empress has a reputation for being quite the eccentric. We will talk in depth at a later date." Then Spica looked straight at me and said, "But I cannot go back with my hands empty. It's not that I need results from our negotiations, but you have hurt me deeply. I need you to take responsibility for it."
"Aw… And what could I do to make up for it…?"
A boss was responsible for their subordinates' failings, fair enough. But I didn't know what she could be thinking. Nelia would've asked me to become her maid for a day, but this was the pagan-hating berserker we were talking about. It wouldn't surprise me if she wanted one of my arms chopped off.
"Let's see…," Spica muttered deadpan. "You know not what love is. That is why you so easily damage what other people value—my own faith, in this case. It is my duty as a cleric to put people on the right path through divine punishment. I will teach you love."
"…So what do you want me to do, exactly?"
"I demand you give me what you value the most."
So that's how it is. An unreasonable demand, but I had to accept in order to avoid war. Better not resist.
What do I value the most, though? I'm not very greedy. I don't care about money, that's for sure. I value napping and days off, but that's not something I can give her.
There's also…my books? The Andronos Chronicles, for starters. But I wouldn't really say I'd be hurt deep in my soul if I gave them away. Nothing to do with love, really.
There was only one thing left I could think of.
"All right. You can have the pudding I've been keeping in the fridge."
"No, I don't want pudding. What you value the most is that maid of yours, Villhaze."
""Huh?"" we both exclaimed in unison.
That totally came out of left field. I didn't know what to say.
"Love is something you realize upon its loss. You will know your sin once you have lost Villhaze. So I'm taking her with me."
"…"
What was she talking about? Taking Villhaze? She thought she could just do that? She was essentially the Seventh Unit's subcommander! She was my maid! I mean, sure, her sicko behavior causes me trouble at every turn, and sure, I might be better off without her, but you can't just take her without her consent.
I glanced at Vill's profile. She shut her eyes in thought, but I knew there was no need to wait for an answer. Obviously, she would refuse, no matter how big a tantrum she had to throw to avoid it.
"…Very well. I will go with you, Your Holiness."
I couldn't believe my ears.
Vill walked up to Spica like it was nothing.
"Hold on! What's with you now?!"
"I can't refuse her request, or else there will be war."
I shut my mouth. She was right, objectively speaking.
But. But still. I couldn't accept this.
"Sounds great!" Flöte nodded in satisfaction. "A maid is a low price to pay to avoid war. Go. For the good of the Mulnite Empire."
"V-Vill! Are you…sure?"
"Yes. It is for your sake, Lady Komari."
"Bu—" I subconsciously reached for her, but I couldn't touch her. Her back turned to me, she refused any call.
I couldn't believe she would leave my side. The words coiled around in my brain but wouldn't leave my mouth.
Spica smiled. "Well then, Villhaze will be my maid starting today."
I felt like I'd been pushed down a flight of stairs.
I stared at Vill. My brain couldn't keep up with what was going on.
Finally, with her usual expression, as sharp and cool-headed as always, she said:
"It's been an honor. I will leave for the Holy City tomorrow."