In the darkness of the night, lying on the couch, overwhelmed by the guilt that seemed to suffocate me from the inside. It was never supposed to happen like this. Nothing like this was supposed to happen tonight. How could I be so out of control that my impulsiveness got the better of me?
When we arrived at Sadie's place earlier, I quickly made my way towards my room. I come here very often that's why I have my separate room here as well. As I laid her down on the bed carefully, I couldn't help but cherish the carefreeness on her face. When she had a panic attack, for a moment I thought I was going to get one too, but seeing her here with me safe and comfortable felt exceptionally incredible. I knew this would vanish as soon as she woke up, but a part of me still wanted to ignore what happened and treasure her and never let her go, not now, never. But for tonight, the priority was her health and safety.
I left Sadie with her and came back downstairs. I sat on the kitchen counter, and guilt washed over my face again. I was all in my thoughts when Sadie came and sat beside me. When me and Josette came here, Sadie was fast asleep, She tried to not show it but I could see it on her face that's how she is, always ready when it comes to family."What is it?" She knew something happened.
"Nothing."
"Don't play dumb with me. Spit it out." She always somehow knows when something happens. I narrated to her everything that happened earlier, the bar, the dare, the kiss, the drinks, the two creepy men's encounter with Josette.
"Oh my god!" She looked at me with sympathy in her eyes but I was the one in the wrong here, she shouldn't feel any sympathy for me. I'm not worth it.
And suddenly, there is no air left. Like all the oxygen in the world just vanished all of a sudden. I tried to stand up but fell. "Chris!"
Sadie tried to help me stand up and walk to the couch in the living room. My heart raced uncontrollably, a thunderous drumbeat in my chest that seemed to echo in my ears. Each breath became a desperate gasp for air, but no matter how deeply I inhaled, it was as if there was never enough oxygen.
"Hey, it's okay." My thoughts spiral out of control, a whirlwind of irrational fears and worries. It's as if my mind is on a chaotic roller coaster with no brakes. I can't focus on anything else, and everything around me blurs into a disorienting haze.
"I'm here with you. It's okay." My body feels like it's betraying me. My muscles tense up, and I might tremble uncontrollably. It's a suffocating sensation, like an invisible weight pressing down on my chest, making it hard to breathe. My palms sweat, and I can't shake the feeling that something terrible is about to happen, even though there might be no apparent threat. Sadie tried to calm me down, but nothing changed. "Chris! Listen to me! Breathe. In and Out. With me!"
It's a terrifying experience, one that feels endless at the moment. All I wanted was for it to stop, for the racing heart and relentless thoughts to quiet down. It was as if I was trapped in my mind, desperately searching for an escape from the suffocating grip of a panic attack.
Eventually, the breathing exercise worked. She encouraged me to focus on my breathing, to match the rhythm of her own steady inhales and exhales. As I tried to follow her lead, her hand rested on my back, offering a comforting, rhythmic pat. With each passing moment, I felt myself more and more stable. It was like she was building a shield around me, protecting me from the onslaught of irrational thoughts.
"You're okay. You're good. Yeah?" I nodded in 'yes'
"You never had a panic attack before, did you?"
"No. First time." Concern flashed on her face after hearing those words coming out of my mouth. "What are you even thinking? It's about tonight, isn't it?" Like I said, somehow she always knows. "It was all my fault. She'll never forgive me now." I said, not looking into her eyes directly.
"It was neither hers nor your fault, okay? You felt it, but she didn't. You can't force anyone, right?" I never wanted to force her. I could still be happy if I was just her friend. But hate is a very complicated word, and now I think that's what we were–complicated. "I should've thought better. I should've asked her before."
"Calm down now boy. I know you think it's bad and it is, I know. But it's going to be just fine" She hugged me like she used to when we were little. All my emotions and feelings I had trapped inside my eyes and heart burst out all of a sudden and I broke out.
"I lost her. I fucking lost her. Even before she could be mine, I lost her." All I could think about was not having her around with me for the rest of my life. The day I first saw her was the day I knew I loved her and I'll never let her go. But I let her go. I made her leave, myself. I lost the love of my life. Sadie was holding me in her arms to calm myself down. The safety in her arm made me fall asleep right then and right there.
The next morning when I woke up, it was already 6 a.m., I sat up on the couch, memories of last night flashing in front of my eyes, bit by bit. I went upstairs to check on Josette, but she was still sleeping. After that moment, I went three times more to make sure, if she was awake or not. Sadie woke up soon after and was already in the kitchen in no time, preparing breakfast. "Here, drink this."
"What is it?" I asked but didn't wait for her to answer and drank it all. "Ugh, that was–"
"Lemon in water. It'll help with the hangover." She said while having a wicked smile on her face and got back to making breakfast. I went over to her and sat on the counter table. "I didn't drink last night but thanks. What are you making?"
"Pancakes. Go and freshen up, brush your teeth, or whatever. I'll prepare your breakfast."
"You're sounding like Mom when I was little." Looking into my eyes, she patted my head and smiled again. "It's 10 already. Did you check on her?" I asked. It has been a long time since I checked on her. Sadie's been awake for a while now too.
"I didn't I thought maybe she'd come down herself when she'll wake up." As soon as she said that concern washed over my face. She could sense it too, I know she could. I ran upstairs, skipping two to three stairs with one jump to check on Josette. Sadie came with me too.
Just when we entered the room, we found Josette still sleeping right there exactly how I left her last night. It was like she didn't even move. I went over to her side and gently brushed her hair out of her face, I sat beside her for a while but then went over to Sadie who was just standing near the doorway. I told her to try and wake her if I did that she'd probably punch me in the face. So she went over smiling and I just stood far away so she wouldn't see me while waking up. Sadie tried to wake her up once, twice, thrice, but she didn't even budge. I went over to her and tried to call her name but she didn't respond. This wasn't a very good sign. "Jose–" Sadie was about to call her full name when I interrupted.
"Wait, she doesn't like everyone calling her by her full name. Try with just 'Jo'" This was stupid, I knew that. But I still thought she might be just playing with us. Sadie now called her just 'Jo' but again No Response. I froze. I stood there, it was like my world instantly turned upside down. I froze.
No. No. No.
Can't be. Can't be. Can't be.
Please, please, please wake up. Wake up. A little drop of water started oozing out of my eyes balls with the thought of her not being here with me or not being able to love her like I always wanted, with the thought of her leaving me forever. No. No. No. I'll disappear from your life if you say, but please wake up! "Call 911! Chris quickly! We have to take her to the hospital!" Just as those words came out of Sadie's mouth, I wrapped her up in my arms and ran towards the car. I quickly buckled her up to the seat, whereas Sadie sat beside her holding her so she wouldn't fall and hurt herself. I didn't wait for another second and drove to the nearest hospital.
The doctor said her BAC- blood alcohol content rose, and being unconscious for very long could've caused brain damage or her heart could've stopped permanently, but she wasn't unconscious last night. I remember feeling her finger caressing my arm when I had her in my arms, standing in front of Sadie's door. I remember seeing her eyeballs move while she was sleeping last night. The doctor said she was stable now and could wake up any moment.
I went inside the room and sat on the sofa beside her bed. I was just looking at how she still had that carefree facial expression from last night, while I was dead scared an hour ago. Thankfully the doctor said she was all good, but she couldn't drink that much amount of alcohol, it was extremely harmful to her. Not just her, no one should drink that much alcohol unless they're thinking about dying.
I don't care if she punches me in the face after seeing me here, I'm not going anywhere until she wakes up. I just hope she wakes up soon.