I sat in the comfortable seat with my left shoulder leaning against the window of the jet as it flew over snow capped mountains. I looked pretty peaceful but inside I was anything but peaceful, it had been 3 weeks since my birthday and we were flying to go see my father. By we I mean my sisters Zlata, Olga, my mother and my fiancé.
I was a mess right now because I didn't know what I would say to him or what he would say. I was not sure if we would get along or if we would have a good father and daughter relationship at all. I had spoken to Vitaly Krysov my father a couple of times over the phone these last few weeks and it had been awkward.
Firstly it was awkward because he had a family of his own and was married to Sylvi his wife of more than 25 years which meant he had not only had me out of wedlock but while he was still married to his wife which put a bad taste in my mouth. Zlata and Olga were cool about everything even saying they always felt a connection between the three of us plus we did look alike too. While talking to my father I had also learnt why he had never been present in my life, sure my mother was partly to blame but so was he.
They had me while he and his wife were thinking of divorcing, they had been separated for a year or so by the time I was born but they got back together thanks in part to the fact that he already had three children with Sylvi and also the fact that my mother was already trying to get out of that relationship because it had been over a year with one man which was a huge achievement for her. I always sighed and shook my head when the two of them explained what happened but I still wanted to try to form a relationship with my father especially now that I am about to get married.
I had always dreamed of going down the isle with my father accompanying me but obviously I didn't know who my father was so I had thought it was just going to be a dream nothing more. I felt Josh sitting next to me which brought me out of my musing. He held my hand gently as I looked towards him.
"You'll be fine my love." Josh said to me as he kissed the back of my hand.
I smiled and nodded although not sure if I truly would be fine but I felt a bit better after hearing those words from my fiancé. I leaned on his shoulder as he told me some jokes to make me forget the anxiety I felt right now. In all honesty feeling like this was all foreign to me, in my last life I was not this sensitive to relationships with people as I barely let anyone know how u felt.
Most people who saw me or knew me would assume I was close to either my mother or my sister but I wasn't as close as most would assume. I had a wall between me and everyone else but no one seemed to know, hell I did not even know until my mid 20s. I hid so much of myself behind those walls and presented this curated image of an always happy, laughing, positive thinking individual when deep down inside I was dying.
I had contemplated ending it all but causing pain to anyone else always made me stop, one time I did however overdose on various pills but I lived but only physically because I was already dead inside. I spent two full years just living like that and when I try to think of anything that happened after that my mind is blank so I stopped trying after a while. I do find myself thinking of my old family from time to time as I place events that should be happening right now against the time I am in, I sometimes smiles and sometimes frown at everything but aside from sending a bit of money a while back I have done nothing else.
Josh always asked me why I did that and I honestly wanted to tell him but I was scared of what would happen so I just told him it was secret that I was not ready to share but once I was I would tell him. Josh trusted me enough to just let it be because he knew I would never do anything to hurt him or fracture our relationship. At some point I just told myself I'd take this secret to the grave because it was just too unbelievable.
Did I miss my old family? In all honesty no, I did not miss them. I thought of them fondly but not enough to miss them. When I became Anastasia I also got all her emotional attachments which I could never rid myself of and they have shaped me over the last 2 or so years. I sighed once more as I looked towards my mother who surprisingly had not skipped town yet but maybe it had to do with the fact that she got herself some boy toys.
My mother was seeing two men who were around my age and were twins which was enough to keep her company for a bit. I never judged her for her lifestyle as it was hers to live, I preferred being without ne person and devoting my every bit of romantic love towards that person long term while my mother was the other way around. She saw me looking her way and just smiled lightly which made me smile back.
Zlata came and sat next to me as she started joking about how Josh is super rich since the private jet we were on was his. I just laughed as she continued on and on until it was time to land in Kaliningrad. I hadn't been to Kaliningrad since I left for university so I was looking forward to seeing how much it changed while hoping to calm myself down on the two hour long drive to the town my father lived. Zlata and Olga had been telling me about the family ever since we found out we were actually sisters.
I had two brothers and another sister, one of my brothers was older than me and lived in France so I would most likely not see him today. My other brother was the twin sibling to my youngest sister and according to Zlata he was a walking menace to society with how much he charmed women. I still looked forward to seeing them all but at the same time I held a deep fear of what would happen if we didn't manage to form a familial bond or if we just plainly hated each other.
Sighing once more I fastened my seat belt as the plane was about to begin its decent in Kaliningrad airport. The plane slowly descended to the airstrip as I saw the surrounding areas becoming much clearer as the plane soon touched down on the runway. A few minutes later the plane had finally came to a halt on the runway before we stood up from our seats.
I walked out of the plane with my handbag since the other luggage would be brought to the waiting car for us.