"I'll always dance with you," Kelli whispered in reply as we moved into the other's arms and began slowly swaying to the mellow sounds of another crooning saxophone.
It didn't take long before a lot of other couples were out on the floor with us, but Kelli and I let ourselves get lost in our togetherness. I always loved being able to just tune out everyone else but Kelli when we danced, and it is times like these that make up some of my fondest memories. One song led into another, and then another, and while I was happy to stay here with her, I looked over Kelli's shoulder back to our group and I was surprised beyond belief by what I saw. Ali, Jaz, and Matt were sitting at the table, talking quietly amongst themselves, but it was Jessica that really captured my attention.
She was staring at us with an intensity that I could almost feel from across the room, and the only word I could use to describe the look that I saw on her face was longing. I wasn't sure why I had noticed this now, but I knew that, as sure as I was standing here with Kelli, that I needed to go to Jessica.
"Hey babe," I whispered to Kelli as the current song we were dancing to was coming to a close. "Can you do me a favor and ask Ali to dance with you for the next couple?"
"I'm not sure she feels that way about us sweetie," Kelli replied in some confusion. "What's wrong?"
"I'm not sure, but Jessica needs me right now."
Kelli looked me in the eyes for a moment, and then looked over at Jessica, before she nodded and dragged me back to the table. Once there she went over, and to much protestation, dragged a mightily blushing Ali out onto the dance floor. I went to Jessica and did practically the same thing.
"Come on Jessica," I said as I pulled her up from her seat. "Come dance with me."
"What?!? What are you doing," she asked in a panic as I continued to drag her out so we could dance.
"I want to dance with you silly, so we're going out to dance," I insisted, and with the extra strength I had from my Neko side Jessica really stood no chance of pulling away. "Come on, it will be fun."
Jessica continued to hesitate as we finally got to a clear area to dance, but once there I spun around and pulled her into my arms and began moving to the music. She had finally resigned herself to my insistence that we dance together, but her movements and her posture were stiff and uncomfortable. I wondered for a moment if I had taken things a little too far, but my instincts pushed me relentlessly onward. I took a moment to glance over at Kelli and Ali while I thought about what I should do next, and my mind was made up for me.
"Hey," I said, and indicated the other pair with a nod of my head. "Take a look at them. It might seem strange, but my girlfriend is dancing with one of her girl friends. The world isn't ending."
"I know, but..." Jessica replied in a near whisper, and I finally felt her shoulders sag a bit in acceptance.
"But nothing. You're my friend, and you looked like you needed a dance."
And with that, she completely relaxed into my arms and laid her head on my shoulder while we moved in a slow swaying rhythm to the music. I kept silent for a few minutes so that Jessica would feel completely at ease, and then I turned my head and whispered in her ear.
"I saw you sitting over there and the look you were giving Kelli and I was pretty intense. What's wrong?"
Jessica mumbled something that I couldn't quite make out, and the tremble in her body was telling me that she was trying not to cry. What surprised me was the near overwhelming desire to bring her comfort that washed over me in a gentle wave, and I pulled her tighter against me.
"Listen Jessica, no one will hear you out here on the dance floor," I whispered. "Just turn your head and quietly tell me so that I can hear what you said."
Jessica then took a deep shuddering breath before whispering back, "I saw you both dancing there together and I realized that I want that."
She pulled back away from me for just a moment, and I realized from the look of horror on her face that she had not expected to say what she had. Just in case, I decided to hold her a bit tighter so she could not bolt.
"I'm so sorry," Jessica gasped, the mortification in her voice as clear as day. "I shouldn't have said that."
"Actually, you should have," I replied. "But why would you..."
And the sudden realization of why she wanted what Kelli and I had interrupted my thoughts completely. I silently thanked whatever power it was that had given me such insight and then I used our dance to steer Jessica over to a part of the floor with far fewer dancers.
"Ok. I'm going to talk for just a bit, and I want you to just answer with a nod or shake of your head, got it," and Jessica nodded to me in understanding.
"You didn't want what Kelli and I had because you specifically found one of us attractive. You wanted it because you find women in general attractive, right?"
Jessica hesitated for a moment, but then sighed and nodded her head in answer to my question.
"Have you always known you liked women," and she shook her head right before she buried her face in my shoulder and started to shake with barely repressed sobs. "You just realized it when you saw Kelli and me a while ago. Damn."
So I held Jessica tight and let her cry and vent all of the frustrated emotions that she must have been feeling while we finished up the dance. After the song was over I took her by the hand and led her gently towards the lady's room so that we could get her cleaned up. As we passed by our table I gave out a warning glare and a shake of my head to the other girls to let them know I had things in hand, as Jessica and I entered the bathroom. I took a seat on the counter and allowed her to clean up her face and feel presentable again before I took her hand.
"Listen, I have some understanding of how confused you are right now. When I kissed Kelli on New Year's and suddenly realized that I might be in love with my best friend, it was like downshifting one extra gear. Total surprise."
"Yeah, that is pretty much what it felt like out there," Jessica laughed, but I could still hear the tears in her voice. "I just don't know where this came from."
"Let me ask something. Have you dated boys, or men?"
"Well, yes. I've had a couple of steady boyfriends in high school, and I did date some during college," she affirmed.
"Ok. No delicate way to say this, but I can assume you have had sex with some of them," and Jessica again indicated that she had. "Now think. Really think about this. How was the intimate side of those relationships? I'm guessing you actually liked some of the men you dated, but did you have sex because you thought that you should? That it was the logical next step?"
The look on Jessica's face at that point told me all that I needed to know, but I knew that she needed to come to this conclusion herself. I watched as she placed her hands on the counter and hung her head in thought, her face scrunched up in concentration as her brain tried to catch up to her heart. I stayed silent, but placed my hand over hers in support.
"Looking back on things, I guess it was pretty clear. I loved some of the guys I was with as companions, I loved being with them. A couple of my boyfriends I was with because I felt I needed a boyfriend. They could have been anyone."
Jessica paused for a moment and wiped her eyes again, and I just nodded to her to let her know I was still listening.
"And you're right. Sex was something that I did because I expected it. Sometimes it felt good, but no better than if I spent a night alone with my fingers. I don't even know that I have ever really been so absolutely attracted to someone that I was consumed by irresistible lust for them, and god do I want to experience that. When I saw you two dancing there I just... I realized that I wanted to be there on that floor, dancing with someone I was in love with, body and soul, and now I just don't know what to do."
"That's easy silly," I replied and I pulled Jessica into a warm and comforting hug. "You go out, you find people you are attracted to, you go on dates, and the rest will work itself out. It's a pretty simple solution in theory. Damned hard in reality."
Jessica laughed at my answer and I felt good that my gifts had helped lead her to a somewhat better place, mentally and emotionally.
"God, Myka, I wouldn't even know where to start," she complained in a slightly joking manner, though it was clear she still wanted to cry. "I mean, I've never even been on a date with a woman. And do I start telling people that I'm gay now, or do I keep things secret? And what the fuck am I supposed to tell my parents?"
"Right now, choose carefully who you tell. You have to come to grips with it first, at least a little bit. Don't stack the possible misunderstanding, hate, and whatever else you will probably get from others in with your own feelings of confusion and doubt. It will only make you feel worse, and will hurt a lot more in the long run."
Jessica nodded her head and had to wipe a few more tears from her eyes, but I had more to say so I just gripped her hands and barreled on.
"It took Kelli and I a couple of weeks before we could comfortably engage in some of the little PDAs we often take for granted. Holding hands, heads on shoulders, the occasional peck on the lips or the cheek. It was Valentine's before we told our parents, and Kelli practically forced me to do that. Granted, we resolved things pretty quickly, but there were other factors at work that I may tell you about sometime, but time is your friend right now."
"How do I know who to tell, and when to tell," she asked with an innocent sincerity. "And where do I go to find out how to date a woman? God, it's like high school sex-ed all over again."
Jessica's comment about high school sent us both into a fit of giggles for a moment, and my instincts told me that she was going to be alright. I just had one other thing to do.
"For starters, I would tell Paul. And tell him sooner rather than later. Your brother is a complete gentleman and from what I saw when you talked with him a bit ago, he loves you to death. He will not only understand, but he will support you even if it means walking over hot coals and melted razor blades in bare feet."
"Yeah, he would. And you're right, I will probably tell him sooner than later."
"As for your parents, that will have to happen eventually. They are family and if you keep family in the dark too long then feelings will get hurt," and Jessica quietly acknowledged that I was right about this too. "But get right with yourself first before you drag them into it, then you can tell them from a position of strength."
"Yes ma'am," she affirmed and giggled at my irritated stare. I was not by any means a ma'am damnit.
"Now dating a woman; that is going to take practice, and it just so happens we have the perfect opportunity."
"You are not setting me up on a blind date Myka, not right now damnit," and my eyes widened with shock for a moment before I laughed away her suggestion.
"No," I giggled. "I'm not setting you up on a blind date. I'm setting you up with me. What are you doing tomorrow?"