The cold afternoon hit his face when Numa went out to the street, he looked both ways, he felt somehow calm, sad but calm. Agustín's death it came back to his mind again, he tried to avoid the subject.
He began to walk, and realized that little by little he was feeling anxious. What would he say to him? He should apologize, but that was not his strength.
Would it be enough to tell him he was sorry? Somewhere in the back of his mind he was trying to convince himself that what he said was not so serious and that maybe he shouldn't even apologize at all. But on the other hand, he knew he should.
Lucas told him he wanted to be with him. How many times has he imagined his hands running over his body? A slight blush tinged his cheeks as he walked slowly down the street.
He hasn't expected it those last words, "take it or leave it". How was he supposed to react?
He didn't want to lose him, the image of Agustín filled his mind for a few moments, what would he say if he knew everything that happened? He missed him so much.
Hasn't it been his friend who encouraged him to face Lucas once and for all?! But Leon appeared right in that moment when, for the first time, he decided to take the initiative in such an important matter.
A noise tore him from his thoughts, it was the sound of an ambulance, he stopped for a few moments to follow it with his eyes.
Before he knew it, he was already there, in front of the door of the building. He remained thoughtful for a few minutes, he was tired and had a headache but surely it would pass, it was not the end of the world.
He rang the doorbell and waited anxiously until someone answered. It was a different voice.
"Yes?"
"Hello, is Lucas home?"
"Depends, who is it?"
Numa stared at the device confused, who was it?
"Friend from school" he didn't want to give his name, he found the tone of the person who answered, a little aggressive.
He heard the young man's voice shouting something in another language behind him and Lucas' voice from far away. But he couldn't make out what he said.
He sat down on the stairs to wait, wondering who it was. He felt a shiver down his back when he heard thesound of the door.
He didn't turn around because at that instant he realized how nervous he really was.
"What are you doing here? " was Lucas' greeting, he was dressed in jeans and a dark t-shirt. He was standing to the side leaning against the wall.
"I wanted to know if you felt like going for a walk?"
He kept staring at the floor, while looking down at his own blue sneakers.
"Why don't you go home? You can't just walk around."
"Yes, maybe you're right."
He stood up, to let himself fall sideways against the wall. Still not looking at him, only from time to time out of the corner of his eye.
Lucas was still there, watching him silently.
"Ok." added Numa
"Okay," Lucas repeated.
"Who answered? A little unfriendly."
"My cousin."
"Ah look" Numa turned to the side "Well then I'm going now."
Lucas approached slowly. Numa felt a slight discomfort in his stomach, he felt like a child. It couldn't be that hard to apologize. He turned around and faced him and was surprised to see that he was not angry. His expression was almost relaxed.
"Lucas, I'm sorry about what I said at the hospital..."
A voice interrupted them
"Hi, what are you doing?!" both turned around and Numa was surprised to recognize the young man, it was the brunette who has been making out with him at the night club.
Numa didn't know where to stand, for some reason he felt ashamed as if he has been caught in a compromising situation.
Lucas made the corresponding introductions, Numa barely responded when he heard that he was his cousin. Were they dating or what? Was that even possible or even, legal? To the relief of both, Giovanni continued on his way, Manon sent him to do the shopping.
"Well, I'd better go back home."
He called him
"What?" asked Numa, uncertainty tainted his voice.
"I'm not involved with my cousin, okay?"
"I didn't say anything, I don't care either"
He looked at him coldly, he didn't want to talk about it. But he didn't know what to think, Lucas seemed always like the correct guy.
"If you don't care, why bother to come all the way here? Go back home to rest and if you want to go to the park, you know who you can go with."
Numa returned the furious look, but he felt like an idiot, Lucas turned around and disappeared inside the building leaving him outside, alone.
He sat back down on the stairs, He would not move from there until he has spoken to him in a proper way, why did everything have to be so difficult?
He hid his face in his hands, as he felt a lump in his throat choking him. From one moment to the next he felt sad, and abandoned. He knew it was ridiculous, but why didn't Lucas make things easier for him? He knew it wasn't his fault, but it was hard for him to admit it.
He got up and taking a deep breath, he rang the doorbell again.
Lucas answered.
"It's me, I want to talk to you."
A brief pause.
„I'll be right down."
He leaned against the wall while he waited for him. Lucas appeared again with a serious expression on his face. Numa looked at him shyly thinking how handsome he was. He felt himself blushing again and turned his face away, and started to walk.
Lucas followed him, looked at him thoughtfully, Numa walked quietly and slowly with his head slightly bent. He was worried that something might happen to him, what if he got dizzy or something?
He was supposed to be resting at home but he has come all the way home, the first attempt to talk has not worked.
Moments ago, when Lucas got back to his place angry for what Numa said, he sat by the door, waiting for the doorbell to ring again, it was hard for him to leave him there but he thought it was the best. He also has his pride, and lately every time they talked, from Numa only spoke words that hurt him.
He did not expect a declaration of love but at least a friendly treatment, was it too much to ask?
They arrived at the park, which as usual in winter was almost empty except for the playground where it was always full. Numa took one of the paths that led to the area of the trees, it was where Lucas usually went when he wanted to paint, it was one of the corners full of jacarandas, and a few chestnut trees. Lucas looked around, the area was quiet and no people could be seen from there.
Numa stopped, looked at him questioningly and sat down on one of the wooden benches. Lucas sat next to him.
Numa was nervous, there they were again, the two of them alone, they seemed to be separated from the world but he didn't know how to start.
Maybe the best thing to do was to say what he had to say quickly, this way he wouldn't be thinking about it the whole time.
"I like you," the words ran over in his mouth but at least he could say it, "and I want to be with you."
"It doesn't look like that."
Luke's answer took him by surprise. He felt hurt, he turned around to face him.
"Lucas, I'm sorry, I'm not one of those people who can talk well about their feelings. Maybe I'm much better at saying shitty things than nice things."
"Yes, you are"
Numa stared at Lucas wondering how he can replied that with such a straight face.
"I've wanted to tell you for a long time but then every time I tried we ended up having a fight. I don't have anything with Leon and I don't want to."
Lucas smiled.
"That's all I wanted to hear, it wasn't that hard, was it?"
Numa smiled with his cheeks burning. He pushed him affectionately. Lucas looked at him seriously. He approached him, ran his hand through his hair, caressing it, and kissed his lips softly. He still had the wound on his lip and was afraid of hurting him. Numa wrapped his arms around his neck, and refused to take his lips away from his mouth, caressing them with his tongue, teasing him. Lucas responded softly, he also wanted to deepen the kiss but he knew when it hurt like this. In fact, if it had been up to him, he would have gone further but it was not possible. He pulled away from that exciting kiss to catch that face between his hands and whisper softly.
"When you are recovered, I'm going to eat you up"
Numa smiled mischievously.
"Do we have to wait that long?" he kissed him again. Lucas hugged him, and kissed his forehead sweetly.
"It's up to you, by the way, it's better if we go back, it's late and you should go to rest."
"Yes, it's true."
"Ok, then I'll go with you."
"Lucas, there's no need, really." Lucas made a gesture that would not make him change his mind.
The walk was short, although most of them walked in silence.
Grandma welcomed them with a big smile, both lied when they said they already ate something on the way, just because the desire to be alone was too big and the food could always wait. Grandma didn't look too convinced when they both disappeared into the room without giving in to her spinach lasagna.
As Lucas entered, he noticed Numa's room had a small desk and on the wall just above it a small blackboard with several pictures, pictures of them dancing and of his friends. One especially caught his attention, the one of that night where he wore the silver body paint, in the photo he was hugging Zeus who at that moment was making a strange grimace.
"Your grandmother doesn't tell you anything," he asked, pointing to the photo.
"No, my grandmother never enters my room, at least when I'm here, I clean and tidy the room myself."
Lucas smiled with admiration, the desk was full of papers, on it he saw a children's book, he was about to take it when he felt Numa's hand on his.
"I'm sorry, it's not mine, it's Agustín's, and I don't want anyone to touch it."
Lucas smiled at him, the young guy's eyes were covered with a dark trail. He took him by the hand and led him to the bed where they both sat down.
"You miss him, don't you?"
Numa turned his face away, that look of the dark-haired man's, he couldn't resist it, it was full of tenderness.
"Hey, I'm talking to you," he added softly, "do you miss him a lot?"
"Yes," I murmured softly.
"Look at me, Numa."
"I don't want to," that tone sounded too childish to come from the Numa he knew.
Lucas turned his face towards him, and discovered his eyes full of tears, he kissed his lips and then both eyelids.
"There's nothing wrong with crying," Lucas' voice was so soft that Numa thought if he kept talking like that he would end up crying like a baby. He pulled away abruptly.
"Go away..."
Lucas didn't answer, he grabbed him by the arm and pulled him close to him abruptly and hugged him tightly.
"I don't know what to say, I have never experience the death of a beloved one. If it is any consolation, I have lived through many things, I also suffered but I survived, here I am, next to you."
Numa began to cry with choked sobs while he clung tightly to Lucas' shirt and stood there looking at the book and the photo in the corner. Surely it has been hard enough for him.
"Numa, I like you so, so much."
The young man hugged him tighter as he hid his head against his chest. When he finally calmed down, Lucas went to get him some tissues. He saw him moaning with his hand on his head, surely it hurt a lot.
"If I were in your place, I would read the book again. He must have left it to you for a reason, right?"
"It was his favorite book, he asked me for one in exchange but I didn't give it to him... I don't understand, I don't know why he did it. Why?"
Lucas smiled, while he stroked his hair.
"Well, he must have had his reasons."
"No, there is no reason that justifies suicide, Lucas."
"Not for you, but surely for him there was, and surely if he could have, he would have told you. Judging is the easiest thing to do, that's what my sister always tells me, but you have no idea what went through his head at that moment."
Numa looked back at the desk towards the top drawer and felt an inner remorse. He was a coward, he was not capable of reading that letter. He turned around and hugged Lucas, he wanted to stay in his arms forever.
Someone knocked at the door, it was Eleonora, he sat up quickly and leaned against the closet.
When the grandmother left, Lucas looked at him for a few moments,
Numa stared him back, it was a somewhat uncomfortable silence.
"Don't look at me like that..." Numa blushed again.
"Like what?" asked Lucas.
"As if you felt sorry for me."
Lucas looked at him seriously
"It's not pity, don't confuse things, it's just that..." he approached him to kiss him again softly, "I like you very much."
Numa looked at him this time amused.
"I hope you don't get all gooey on me just because we're together."
Numa smiled at him as he savored those words "being together".
Lucas narrowed his eyes as he whispered.
"You're wrong if you think I'm the gooey type, this will be one of those rare times. I'm usually a perverted and insatiable demon."
They both laughed, Lucas kept that phrase in his mind "we are together", he liked how it sounded, although he would have liked it much more if the guy with green eyes has told him how much he liked him, although for the first time in his life, he was sure his feelings were reciprocated.
"See you tomorrow."
"Are you coming by?"
Lucas nodded as he moved in for a kiss. Numa thought that if it wasn't for his grandmother wanting him to rest and his body really aching, he would have been in over his head to sleep with him.
He went back to his room, put on some music and looked again at his desk drawer. Lucas' words had stuck in his head. "He must have had his own reasons."
The truth is that although he didn´t say, Agustín's decision hurt him unimaginably, because it disappointed him, because he hasn't faced what was coming. He run away. He left him alone. He knew that this was a selfish thought, but he was angry with him, he did not think of anything or anyone. Only about himself.
And at that moment, he realized he did the same when he fought with those guys, he let himself be carried away by that sadness transformed into anger, and he put his own life at risk. Because in that moment he was looking for a good fight and when the three got up and took him out of the bar Numa had the feeling it could end bad. He could have left and stayed unharmed but at that moment he wanted to fight, he wanted to hurt and get hurt. He did not think about his grandmother who raised him and protected him since the death of his parents. Nor did he think that she has been the only one to believe in him when he was going to be sent to juvenile community center.
Not even his adoptive parents have done so. If it hasn't been for his grandmother, where would he be? He didn't even want to think about it.
He looked down at his bruises and ran his fingers over the bandage on his head again.
He looked at the desk drawer and with trembling fingers opened it, there was the letter. He looked at it for a few moments, took it between his fingers and sat down on the floor while he took out the paper from inside the envelope. His heart was pounding madly.
Before reading it, he looked at the picture on the blackboard at the last party and observed his expression. It was joyful, maybe he was already thinking about it, even planned it. And yet he hasn't told him anything, he has hidden it all the time, the pain and the fear. Why, perhaps he couldn't to trust him? Or perhaps he hasn't paid enough attention to him either.
It was a single sheet of paper neatly folded in his friend's familiar handwriting. He took a deep breath before beginning to read.
Numa:
By the time you get this letter, you will know what happened. I'm sorry, I know you will be angry with me, maybe you won't even read the letter.
Will you be able to understand me someday? I'm sorry I didn't talk to you about so many things, I'm sorry I took so long to tell you about the illness. That day when I told you and you kissed me I felt so happy that I could have died at that very moment with a smile on my face.
I don't want you to be sad, not for me, although if there is something I will miss, it will be not seeing you anymore. You have given me so much strength, much more than you think. This is my goodbye, I am proud I have made it this far and happy to have shared best moments with you.
Thank you for everything, for having put up with me! And forgive me for disappointing you like this. You are a great person Numa. Don't look for happiness or the perfect partner or the ideal moment, all that is nonsense, enjoy every moment, I have done it and I leave without regrets.
Miluju tě!
Zeus, Agustin to you.
Numa put the letter aside while crying silently, his chest ached over those words in Czech.
"I would have liked to hug you one more time too, I love you " he murmured softly as he hid his face in his hands, "I miss you, I miss you so much. Why did this have to happen to you?"
He lay down on the bed with the letter pressed against his chest and his cheeks bathed in tears, and before he knew it, fatigue has overcome him and he has fallen asleep hugging the pillow.