The wheel felt like an alien thing in my hands as I followed the white line of the highway. Heat rays from the late afternoon sun arose from the gray concrete, shimmering like the weary tones of a distant bugle blown upon still midnight air. In the mirror I could see Mr. Norton staring out vacantly upon the empty fields, his mouth stern, his white forehead livid where it had scraped the screen. And seeing him I felt the fear balled coldly within me unfold. What would happen now? What would the school officials say? In my mind I visualized Dr. Bledsoe's face when he saw Mr. Norton. I thought of the glee certain folks at home would feel if I were expelled. Tatlock's grinning face danced through my mind. What would the white folks think who'd sent me to college? Was Mr. Norton angry at me? In the Golden Day he had seemed more curious than anything else—until the vet had started talking wild. Damn Trueblood. It was his fault. If we hadn't sat in the sun so long Mr. Norton would not have needed whiskey and I wouldn't have gone to the Golden Day. And why would the vets act that way with a white man in the house?
I headed the car through the red-brick campus gateposts with a sense of cold apprehension. Now even the rows of neat dormitories seemed to threaten me, the rolling lawns appearing as hostile as the gray highway with its white dividing line. As of its own compulsion, the car slowed as we passed the chapel with its low, sweeping eaves. The sun shone coolly through the avenue of trees, dappling the curving drive. Students strolled through the shade, down a hill of tender grass toward the brick-red stretch of tennis courts. Far beyond, players in whites showed sharp against the red of the courts surrounded by grass, a gay vista washed by the sun. In the brief interval I heard a cheer arise. My predicament struck me like a stab. I had a sense of losing control of the car and slammed on the brakes in the middle of the road, then apologized and drove on. Here within this quiet greenness I possessed the only identity I had ever known, and I was losing it. In this brief moment of passage I became aware of the connection between these lawns and buildings and my hopes and dreams. I wanted to stop the car and talk with Mr. Norton, to beg his pardon for what he had seen; to plead and show him tears, unashamed tears like those of a child before his parent; to denounce all we'd seen and heard; to assure him that far from being like any of the people we had seen, I hated them, that I believed in the principles of the Founder with all my heart and soul, and that I believed in his own goodness and kindness in extending the hand of his benevolence to helping us poor, ignorant people out of the mire and darkness. I would do his bidding and teach others to rise up as he wished them to, teach them to be thrifty, decent, upright citizens, contributing to the welfare of all, shunning all but the straight and narrow path that he and the Founder had stretched before us. If only he were not angry with me! If only he would give me another chance!
Tears filled my eyes, and the walks and buildings flowed and froze for a moment in mist, glittering as in winter when rain froze on the grass and foliage and turned the campus into a world of whiteness, weighting and bending both trees and bushes with fruit of crystal. Then in the twinkling of my eyes, it was gone, and the here and now of heat and greenness returned. If only I could make Mr. Norton understand what the school meant to me.
"Shall I stop at your rooms, sir?" I said. "Or shall I take you to the administration building? Dr. Bledsoe might be worried."
"To my rooms, then bring Dr. Bledsoe to me," he answered tersely.
"Yes, sir."
In the mirror I saw him dabbing gingerly at his forehead with a crinkled handkerchief. "You'd better send the school physician to me also," he said.
I stopped the car in front of a small building with white pillars like those of an old plantation manor house, got out and opened the door. "Mr. Norton, please, sir . . . I'm sorry . . . I —"
He looked at me sternly, his eyes narrowed, saying nothing.
"I didn't know . . . please . . ."
"Send Dr. Bledsoe to me," he said, turning away and swinging up the graveled path to the building.
I got back into the car and drove slowly to the administration building. A girl waved gaily as I passed, a bunch of violets in her hand. Two teachers in dark suits talked decorously beside a broken fountain.
The building was quiet. Going upstairs I visualized Dr. Bledsoe, with his broad globular face that seemed to take its form from the fat pressing from the inside, which, as air pressing against the membrane of a balloon, gave it shape and buoyancy. "Old Bucket-head," some of the fellows called him. I never had. He had been kind to me from the first, perhaps because of the letters which the school superintendent had sent to him when I arrived. But more than that, he was the example of everything I hoped to be: Influential with wealthy men all over the country; consulted in matters concerning the race; a leader of his people; the possessor of not one, but two Cadillacs, a good salary and a soft, good-looking and creamy-complexioned wife. What was more, while black and bald and everything white folks poked fun at, he had achieved power and authority; had, while black and wrinkle-headed, made himself of more importance in the world than most Southern white men. They could laugh at him but they couldn't ignore him.
"He's been looking all over for you," the girl at the desk said.
When I walked in he looked up from the telephone and said, "Never mind, he's here now," and hung up. "Where's Mr. Norton?" he demanded excitedly. "Is he all right?"
"Yes, sir. I left him at his rooms and came to drive you down. He wishes to see you."
"Is anything wrong?" he said, getting up hurriedly and coming around the desk. I hesitated.
"Well, is there!"
The panicky beating of my heart seemed to blur my vision.
"Not now, sir."
"Now? What do you mean?"
"Well, sir, he had some kind of fainting spell."
"Aw, my God! I knew something was wrong. Why didn't you get in touch with me?"
He grabbed his black homburg, starting for the door. "Come on!"
I followed him, trying to explain. "He's all over it now, sir, and we were too far away for me to phone . . ."
"Why did you take him so far?" he said, moving with great bustling energy.
"But I drove him where he wanted to go, sir."
"Where was that?"
"Back of the slave-quarter section," I said with dread.
"The quarters! Boy, are you a fool? Didn't you know better than to take a trustee out there?"
"He asked me to, sir."
We were going down the walk now, through the spring air, and he stopped to look at me with exasperation, as though I'd suddenly told him black was white.
"Damn what he wants," he said, climbing in the front seat beside me. "Haven't you the sense God gave a dog? We take these white folks where we want them to go, we show them what we want them to see. Don't you know that? I thought you had some sense."
Reaching Rabb Hall, I stopped the car, weak with bewilderment.
"Don't sit there," he said. "Come with me!"
Just inside the building I got another shock. As we approached a mirror Dr. Bledsoe stopped and composed his angry face like a sculptor, making it a bland mask, leaving only the sparkle of his eyes to betray the emotion that I had seen only a moment before. He looked steadily at himself for a moment; then we moved quietly down the silent hall and up the stairs.
A co-ed sat at a graceful table stacked with magazines. Before a great window stood a large aquarium containing colored stones and a small replica of a feudal castle surrounded by goldfish that seemed to remain motionless despite the fluttering of their lacy fins, a momentary motionful suspension of time.
"Is Mr. Norton in his room?" he said to the girl.
"Yessir, Dr. Bledsoe, sir," she said. "He said to tell you to come in when you got here."
Pausing at the door I heard him clear his throat, then rap softly upon the panel with his fist.
"Mr. Norton?" he said, his lips already a smile. And at the answer I followed him inside.
It was a large light room. Mr. Norton sat in a huge wing chair with his jacket off. A change of clothing lay on the cool bedspread. Above a spacious fireplace an oil portrait of the Founder looked down at me remotely, benign, sad, and in that hot instant, profoundly disillusioned. Then a veil seemed to fall.
"I've been worried about you, sir," Dr. Bledsoe said. "We expected you at the afternoon session . . ."
Now it's beginning, I thought. Now —
And suddenly he rushed forward. "Mr. Norton, your head!" he cried, a strange
grandmotherly concern in his voice. "What happened, sir?"
"It's nothing." Mr. Norton's face was immobile. "A mere scratch."
Dr. Bledsoe whirled around, his face outraged. "Get the doctor over here," he said.
"Why didn't you tell me that Mr. Norton had been injured?"
"I've already taken care of that, sir," I said softly, seeing him whirl back.
"Mr. Norton, Mister Norton! I'm so sorry," he crooned. "I thought I had sent you a boy who was careful, a sensible young man! Why we've never had an accident before. Never, not in seventy-five years. I assure you, sir, that he shall be disciplined, severely disciplined!"
"But there was no automobile accident," Mr. Norton said kindly, "nor was the boy
responsible. You may send him away, we won't need him now." My eyes suddenly filled. I felt a wave of gratitude at his words.
"Don't be kind, sir," Dr. Bledsoe said. "You can't be soft with these people. We mustn't pamper them. An accident to a guest of this college while he is in the charge of a student is without question the student's fault. That's one of our strictest rules!"
Then to me: "Return to your dormitory and remain there until further notice!"
"But it was out of my control, sir," I said, "just as Mr. Norton said . . ."
"I'll explain, young man," Mr. Norton said with a half-smile. "Everything will be explained."
"Thank you, sir," I said, seeing Dr. Bledsoe looking at me with no change of expression.
"On second thought," he said, "I want you to be in chapel this evening, understand me, sir?"
"Yes, sir."
I opened the door with a cold hand, bumping into the girl who had been at the table when we went inside.
"I'm sorry," she said. "Looks like you have old Bucket-head kind of mad."
I said nothing as she walked beside me expectantly. A red sun cast its light upon the campus as I started for my dormitory.
"Will you take a message to my boy friend for me?" she said.
"Who is he?" I said, trying hard to conceal my tension and fear.
"Jack Maston," she said.
"Okay, he's in the room next to mine."
"That's swell," she said with a big smile. "The dean put me on duty so I missed him this afternoon. Just tell him that I said the grass is green . . ."
"What?"
"The grass is green. It's our secret code, he'll understand." "The grass is green," I said.
"That's it. Thank you, lover," she said.
I felt like cursing as I watched her hurrying back into the building, hearing her flat-heeled shoes crunching the graveled walk. Here she was playing with some silly secret code at the very minute my fate for the resf of my life was being decided. The grass was green and they'd meet and she'd be sent home pregnant, but even so, in less disgrace than I . . . If only I knew what they were saying about me . . . Suddenly I had an idea and ran after her, into the building and up the stairs.
In the hall, fine dust played in a shaft of sunlight, stirred by her hurried passing. But she had disappeared. I had thought to ask her to listen at the door and tell me what was said. I gave it up; if she were discovered, I'd have that on my conscience too. Besides, I was ashamed for anyone to know of my predicament, it was too stupid to be believed. Down the long length of the wide hall I heard someone unseen skipping down the stairs singing. A girl's sweet, hopeful voice. I left quietly and hurried to my dorm.
I lay in my room with my eyes closed, trying to think. The tension gripped my insides. Then I heard someone coming up the hall and stiffened. Had they sent for me already? Nearby a door opened and closed, leaving me as tense as ever. To whom could I turn for help? I could think of no one. No one to whom I could even explain what had happened at the Golden Day. Everything was upset inside me. And Dr. Bledsoe's attitude toward Mr. Norton was the most confusing of all. I dared not repeat what he'd said, for fear that it would lessen my chances of remaining in school. It just wasn't true, I had misunderstood. He couldn't have said what I thought he had said. Hadn't I seen him approach white visitors too often with his hat in hand, bowing humbly and respectfully? Hadn't he refused to eat in the dining hall with white guests of the school, entering only after they had finished and then refusing to sit down, but remaining standing, his hat in his hand, while he addressed them eloquently, then leaving with a humble bow? Hadn't he, hadn't he? I had seen him too often as I peeped through the door between the dining room and the kitchen, I myself. And wasn't his favorite spiritual "Live-a-Humble"? And in the chapel on Sunday evenings upon the platform, hadn't he always taught us to live content in our place in a thousand unambiguous words? He had and I had believed him. I had believed without question his illustrations of the good which came of following the Founder's path. It was my affirmation of life and they couldn't send me away for something I didn't do. They simply couldn't. But that vet! He was so crazy that he corrupted sane men. He had tried to turn the world inside out, goddamn him! He had made Mr. Norton angry. He had no right to talk to a white man as he had, not with me to take the punishment . . .
Someone shook me and I recoiled, my legs moist and trembling. It was my roommate.
"What the hell, roomy," he said. "Let's go to chow."
I looked at his confident mug; he was going to be a farmer.
"I don't have an appetite," I said with a sigh.
"Okay now," he said, "you can try to kid me but don't say I didn't wake you." "No," I said.
"Who're you expecting, a broad-butt gal with ballbearing hips?" "No," I said.
"You'd better stop that, roomy," he grinned. "It'll ruin your health, make you a moron. You ought to take you a gal and show her how the moon rises over all that green grass on the Founder's grave, man . . ." "Go to hell," I said.
He left laughing, opening the door to the sound of many footsteps from the hall: supper time. The sound of departing voices. Something of my life seemed to retreat with them into a gray distance, moiling. Then a knock sounded at the door and I sprang up, my heart tense.
A small student wearing a freshman's cap stuck his head in the door, shouting, "Dr. Bledsoe said he wants to see you down at Rabb Hall." And then he was gone before I could question him, his footsteps thundering down the hall as he raced to dinner before the last bell sounded.
AT MR. NORTON'S door I stopped with my hand on the knob, mumbling a prayer. "Come in, young man," he said to my knock. He was dressed in fresh linen, the light falling upon his white hair as upon silk floss. A small piece of gauze was plastered to his forehead. He was alone.
"I'm sorry, sir," I apologized, "but I was told that Dr. Bledsoe wanted to see me here . . ."
"That's correct," he said, "but Dr. Bledsoe had to leave. You'll find him in his office after chapel."
"Thank you, sir," I said and turned to go. He cleared his throat behind me. "Young man . . ."
I turned hopefully.
"Young man, I have explained to Dr. Bledsoe that you were not at fault. I believe he understands."
I was so relieved that at first I could only look at him, a small silken-haired, whitesuited St. Nicholas, seen through misty eyes.
"I certainly do thank you, sir," I managed finally.
He studied me silently, his eyes slightly narrowed.
"Will you need me this evening, sir?" I asked.
"No, I won't be needing the machine. Business is taking me away sooner than I expected. I leave late tonight."
"I could drive you to the station, sir," I said hopefully.
"Thank you, but Dr. Bledsoe has already arranged it."
"Oh," I said with disappointment. I had hoped that by serving him the rest of the week I could win back his esteem. Now I would not have the opportunity.
"Well, I hope you have a pleasant trip, sir," I said.
"Thank you," he said, suddenly smiling.
"And maybe next time you come I'll be able to answer some of the questions you asked me this afternoon."
"Questions?" His eyes narrowed.
"Yes, sir, about . . . about your fate," I said.
"Ah, yes, yes," he said.
"And I intend to read Emerson, too . . ."
"Very good. Self-reliance is a most worthy virtue. I shall look forward with the greatest of interest to learning your contribution to my fate." He motioned me toward the door. "And don't forget to see Dr. Bledsoe."
I left somewhat reassured, but not completely. I still had to face Dr. Bledsoe. And I had to attend chapel.