"It takes a deep commitment to change and an even deeper commitment to grow"....Ralph Ellison
ASHLEY'S P.O.V
"dear diary, I have to go to the hospital today for my check up. My check ups are once a week, and the next day, I'll take a day off to ease the pain caused by the chemotherapy .The doctor's been very helpful and kind, she should be at her late forties I think. Most times, I really wish to be accompanied by someone to the hospital to feel more safe and relaxed. Each time I'm to go for checkups, I feel tensed and scared of what the outcome might be. Each time I'm tensed, I'd usually sing a song my dad used to sing for me when I was little "Oh little one what are you afraid of, everything's alright, just take a deep breath or maybe two", and it has always comforted me. I won't be able to go to the library today so I had ordered what I'd eat for the day. I usually feel numb or pains at my muscles after my checkups.
I wish to comfort and encourage those who are cancer patients like I am to be strong. Ten years ago, I won't have believed I'd turn out like this if someone had told me. I would have thought it was a drunk talk.
In life, sometimes you win sometimes you loose. You're the sum total of everything you've ever seen, heard, eaten,smelled, been told, forgot _ it's all there . Everything influences each of us, because of that, I try to make sure my experiences are positive. I try to outlook my painful past and hope for a better tomorrow. Earlier on, my best friend had called to ask about my health. She's the best gift God gave to me. There was this time when Ciara and I sneaked out of school and attended a party, and came back late. We were caught by our parents who later came to the school and reported the case and we were suspended. That was one of the craziest things we've done. Another was when a cute boy was transferred to our school,Ciara feel in love with him and asked him out and they started dating,only to find out he was a complete jerk and a player. We planned a revenge, so we gathered all the girls he had dated to disgrace him. We did a whole lots of stuffs together, both good and bad. The times already 9:21 am and I needed to go to the hospital. To be honest, I'm really tired of this ....this Chemo stuff, I honestly feel depressed, there's nothing about life that impresses me anymore. I sometimes get the urge to hurt myself, I'd pick up a razor and start hurting myself on my left arm and I feel more relaxed each time I do that. It's called Nonsuicidal self injury (NSSI) caused by depression which resulted from Cancer. I haven't had the urge to harm myself ever since I got this diary..I hadn't told my Ciara about this either, I started having this feeling a year after being diagnosed with cancer and I've found it easier because it help me to calm down from my depression.
I put my diary into my bag, got dressed and headed to the hospital.
"You seem to be in a good health lately" Doctor Maria ,the oncologist in charge of my treatment asked after I had taken my."You are taking your medications good and your reports is looking good"
"Thanks... Can my chronic lymphocytic leukemia be cured completely?" I asked, scared of what the outcome would be.
"CLL can rarely be cured but most people live with it for many years. The prognosis of Cll patients varies widely at diagnosis. I advice you to be consistent in your drugs as you have before and I so hope for your recovery" She advised me
"Thank you doctor" I thanked her and was about to stand up before I was called back
"Ms Bernice" she called. Dr Maria has always had a habit of addressing me by my middle name.
"yes Dr Maria"I replied
"How are you coping with your emotions?" she asked looking apprehensively at me
"I'm....I'm Okay...I'm fine" I replied feeling uncertain if I meant what I just said
"are you sure?" she asked
"yes ...I am"
"I just saw the scars on your left arm, are you doing yourself harm?" she asked and I kept mute. "Ms Bernice, most people react differently from bring diagnosis with cancer and I can assure you, self harm isn't the best way. I know I'm not a psychologist but this is the best I can do for you" Her words hit deep into my mind.
"Thank you doctor Maria" I thanked her and went home. Dr Maria had asked me to stay at the hospital after my chemos but I declined. I'd rather go home than stay at the hospital, bring reminded of the fact I had cancer.
"dear diary, was what the doctor said true?..... a part of me doesn't want to believe it while another part believes it.I feel so tired diary, the pains is much to bear, I ...I...I just don't know what I was doing anymore. Sometimes, I'd imagine how my life would have been if not for this cancer, will I still feel the comfort of being loved? Will I be the Ash I used to be? or a normal divorced woman?. Dear diary, I always wonder if the quote " nothing lasts forever"applies to me.