Hutch tried to linger in his dream. He rolled over and hoped to drift back to that valley, to the river, to the house, to Kahlala waiting for him at the front door. To the memory of him telling her that they wouldn't have to leave the valley anymore. That she was free to visit Ghan'dono, and he was free to visit them, as he was going to build an army and that required them to stay where they were. He could still remember the relief he felt, when she wept at the news, that their criminal activities were now behind them, and they were one step closer to their goal.
Opening his eyes, Hutch stared up at his ceiling. The pride he had felt in that moment, now left a bitter taste behind. What accomplishments he had obtained were now plagued by guilt, having sold every piece of his soul to get back at a man who had done nothing wrong. He enjoyed the feeling of it though. It was the punishment he thought himself due, and he didn't know how to live without it.
It was the middle of summer by then, the family vacation well behind him. Hutch was once again enjoying his familiar routine, the days often blending into each other. And that day had been no different, until he received a phone call, shortly before noon. A few minutes later, he made his way out to the lab, where Casimir was engrossed in his experiments, eyes glued to his microscope, while jotting down notes on the pad next to it. Hutch had seen this, time and time again, and always hated having to interrupt, but this time it was not without reason.
"I'm not so distracted that I didn't hear you come in. What's up?" Casimir asked, lifting his head as he swiveled in his chair to face him.
"Brett called. He asked me to join him for lunch," Hutch replied, shifting awkwardly.
He already knew how this conversation would go. He'd had it many times before. Casimir would stop what he was doing, remind him that he didn't have to keep spending time with Brett, and he'd end up going anyways, not for the lack of something better to do, but because he enjoyed the misery. Today, he didn't want this to be more of the same, and he couldn't stop feeling guilty about it.
"Hutch, I really…"
"I know," he interrupted. "I know, but I didn't come out here to interrupt you, I just wanted to tell you I was going."
Casimir set down his pen, pursing his lips as he bobbed his head. "Alright. Then where are you meeting him?"
"It's an Italian place," he muttered, as he pulled a note from his pocket, and straightened it out so he could read it. "Prasiano's. He said it's off Hendershot."
"Near Townsend. Big place. You can't miss it."
"That's what he said too."
"Hutch, I know you don't want to hear it, but you don't have to keep doing this to yourself. It's obvious that being around him makes you miserable. I can see the dread written on your face."
"You're right, I don't want to hear it."
"Then explain it, because I don't get it. Why do you keep doing this to yourself?"
Hutch took a breath, smiling softly as he replied, "Because the rest of the time I'm happy. He balances the scales, Cas. He's the self-inflicted torture I rely on, so I can smile without feeling completely horrible for it."
"Dammit, Hutch. You are allowed to be happy. You have just as much of a right to live your life as anyone else."
"Do I?" Hutch blurted out, slamming his hands against his chest. "Because it certainly doesn't feel like it. Look around Cas!" He threw his arms out. "I can't help you with this. I can't fix that fucking amulet. I can't even understand the basics of what you do out here! All the education in the world isn't going to magically make me smart enough to solve the problem you can't fix. I don't have the patience to even pretend that one day I could. Last night, I dreamt about her for the first time in weeks. After a few hours with Brett, I know I'll see her again tonight. Dealing with him makes it worth it. If my misery keeps bringing her back to me, how can I refuse it? I can't be happy all the time. It isn't right, when I can do nothing to find my way back to her on my own. As sick as it is, I need Brett. He's my problem, and I'm fine with that, because I can let myself be happy when he's not around."
Casimir stood from his chair and pulled Hutch in close, hugging him tight.
"I know the waiting is difficult. But I swear, I will get you back to her."
"I know," Hutch whispered back as Casimir released him. "I really do. It just gets to me sometimes."
"I understand. But every day, I get a step closer. It's only a matter of time," Casimir remarked, resting his hands on his shoulders. "I'm expecting that package from Japan tomorrow or the next day, and I'm hoping, this time, these glassblowers succeed in getting the glass thin enough. If their work checks out, then the myrrget is the last hurdle to overcome and with any luck, once I put everything together, I believe there is a chance that my unstable myrrget will stabilize and retain its integrity like the myrrget in the original version, on its own."
"If only you sounded more convinced," Hutch remarked with a shrug as Casimir sat back into his chair.
Shaking his head, he looked up at Hutch and sighed. "I'd really love to tell you that it's not a long shot, but I'm never going to lie to you about this. Even if the glass is perfect, and the amulet is assembled, the myrrget I've created may not work. It might not stabilize on its own. It might not draw out the residual magic of Illimev as real myrrget would. This has never been a guarantee, Hutch. I warned you from the beginning, so you have to find a way to live your life. One that excludes torturing yourself."
"Easier said than done. But don't worry, I've kept my expectations reasonable. This isn't the first road I've been down where I can't see the end. Just have to keep walking right?"
"I suppose that's one way of looking at it."
"For now, it's the only way I can look at it, and I'm sorry, but I don't think I'll ever be ready to give her up. Even if it's only in my dreams."
"Look, I know I'm not in much of a position to tell you what to do. After all, I spent decades trying to find a way to be with Celina. But can't you torment yourself some other way? One that doesn't involve you being around that bastard?"
"If I come up with one, you will be the first to know."
"Fine. Just tell that prick, I said you had more important things to do today," Casimir remarked with a twisted smile.
"And yet, I showed up anyways," Hutch replied with a smirk. "I'll pass along the message, with great pleasure."
"If you need anything, call."
"I will. Oh, and I'm also going to pick up groceries on my way home. So, don't be surprised when I'm not back right away."
"Just drive safe," Casimir said as Hutch began to walk away.
"Will do. See you later," he replied as he left the lab.
Lunch with Brett went exactly as he had expected. They sat in a booth by a window, engaged in the usual small talk, and when Katherine showed up, they ordered, they ate, and then they said their goodbyes. Over time, Hutch managed to find their get togethers more tolerable when Katherine was around. Despite not understanding the dynamic between her and Brett, their relationship seemed healthy enough, even if it didn't seem to be going anywhere in particular.
With their lunch over, Hutch headed back to Cauthard Hills and picked up groceries, before arriving back home just before three. He had already finished putting everything away and was starting to lay out preparations for dinner, when Casimir came inside.
"I thought I heard your truck pull in. How did it go?" he questioned, leaning against the side of the island.
"The food was decent. Otherwise, the same as normal. Katherine was there too." Turning to the sink, he turned on the water, saying, "I think you were right," before dispensing some soap into his hand.
"Why do you always sound surprised by that?" Casimir questioned, as Hutch went about washing his hands.
"Because at some point I suspect you are going to be wrong. At least about something to do with my life. But either way, don't you even want to know what you were right about?" he asked in reply, turning off the water before picking up the tea towel and drying his hands as he turned around to face Casimir.
"Going to guess it has something to do with what we were talking about earlier."
Hutch nodded, setting the towel next to the cutting board. "I do need to find a better way to live, one that doesn't involve Brett. Whatever you were planning with him and that company, I want you to wash your hands of it. In return, I'll work towards separating myself from him. That way, when I do leave, he won't bother to come looking for me."
"Alright, done," Casimir replied, lifting his hand briefly. "I admit, I'm a bit surprised by your abrupt change in opinion, but I think it's the right thing to do."
"I had lots of time to think about it on the way over to the restaurant."
"Well, I'm glad you came to this decision on your own. But trust me," he commented, before walking towards the basement stairs, "This is going to be good for you in the long run. Now, I'm going to go down to my office, and make a long overdue phone call and get rid of all that worthless stock."