Hutch quietly cried himself back to sleep that night, having remembered how quick he'd been to hand over Casimir's greatest secret to a man he didn't know, based on a report he couldn't read, a document he never even tried to verify, without ever questioning how he'd managed to obtain it.
He spent the rest of his day, fighting to stay awake. His conscience eating at him every moment that it could. He didn't mind the guilt or the pain it brought, but he hated the distraction of it all. He hated the way his mind would wander onto things that didn't matter, questioning tiny details that he'd ignored, thinking they couldn't have mattered, or not thinking about them at all. A decade later, knowing the truth of who Cascel was, he could now look back and see how many times he should have realized that he wasn't what he seemed, but had ignored all of it, believing in only what he could see, right in front of himself. Choosing to stay oblivious to the larger picture.
On top of the internal conflict, he also had to deal with the students, at school. The rumor mongers were in full swing sharing copies of the gossip rags, circulating them in full view, when no teachers were around to stop it. He'd even found several of the front pages stuffed into his locker, one of which had the question, 'Is She aS GoOd As ShE LooKs, iN BeD?' printed in some of the most inconsistent handwriting he'd ever seen across the picture, which only made him crack a smile, rather than anger him as he suspected the perpetrators had intended. Even if it had infuriated him, he was too tired to care. And by three, he'd had his fill of the pointing and the stares. The bags under his eyes had been weighing him down all day, and he still had hours left of carrying them around.
Rod had once again, picked him up from school, but this time left him alone at the house to get dinner started for when Casimir and Julian returned from their trip. He followed the recipes he'd chosen with Celina and Clara the night before, opting not to wing anything given his state of mind, which he kept focused by doing his homework while waiting for things to cook.
It was five by the time Casimir and Julian returned, and six before Celina made it through the door. And Clara arrived ten minutes later, just as the last dish hit the table; veal parmesan, with roasted garlic tomato sauce and penne pasta, served al-dente, with freshly grated parmesan cheese and crushed black pepper.
The liveliness of the conversation helped rejuvenate Hutch, lifting him out of the clutches of his own exhaustion, giving him just enough energy to push through the rest of the night.
The angel food cake was served with fresh whipped cream, strawberries, and homemade strawberry syrup, and when everything was finished and plates were emptied, everyone went their separate ways, leaving Hutch to wash the dishes and polish the kitchen clean. Something he enjoyed doing, as the labor helped to keep him focused, and by eight, he was in his room, laying across his bed, working through the bit of homework he had left.
"Hutch, you have a minute?" Casimir asked from the hall after knocking on his door.
"Yeah, come in," Hutch called back. "Just finishing whatever the hell this is." He shrugged, having read over the last page more than once and still having no idea what it said. "What's up?"
"Just wanted to check-in. Make sure you were doing alright. You seemed a bit out of it over dinner."
"Celina sent you, didn't she?" he questioned, moving the textbook out of the way so Casimir could sit down on the end of the bed.
"Of course. She told me about the newspapers. She thinks you're worried about that, and I think something else is bugging you," he remarked as he sat down.
"You can tell her I'm fine. I'm just tired. I didn't sleep well last night," Hutch stated as he rolled onto his back and stared up at his ceiling.
"And have her send me back for the real story?"
"That is the real story, Cas. I slept like crap when I was sleeping, which was even less than you normally manage."
"Then you better figure out something else to talk about for the next ten minutes or so, because I'd really like to enjoy the rest of my night with my stunning wife."
"That's low," he commented, with a side-eyed gaze.
"Hey, it's what I've got to work with," he replied with a smirk.
"Did you find what you were looking for out there?" Hutch asked, wanting to change the subject.
Despite how excited he'd been over the possibility of what they might have found in Utah, there was a strict policy of not talking about work until the day after Casimir's return, as family came first.
"I won't know for a few days yet, but we gathered an excellent selection of samples," he replied, clearly understanding what Hutch was trying to do, "Jay and I, will start processing them tomorrow morning."
"I hope it works out," Hutch said, closing his eyes for a moment, letting his mind sway, "I'm not sure how much longer I can stay here."
"Was it nightmares then?" Casimir questioned, "Or is she still haunting your dreams?"
"Does it really matter which?" Hutch questioned in return, as he sat up and turned to face him.
"I suppose not. But I take it, last night was different?"
"Will you leave if I tell you?" Hutch remarked, with a faint groan.
"More like, I'm not going to leave until you do." Casimir grinned back.
Hutch sighed and rubbed at his face as he leaned back against the headboard, pushing his pillow aside.
"Yes, it was different," he admitted. "Last night, I was reminded of an accident I had in the mountains," his stomached turned with anxiety at the mere mention of it. "I almost died. I would have died, if not for a man named Val Bragah. I don't think the two of you ever formally met. This all happened after I ended up in Cheph. Not that it really matters when it happened. I dreamt about that moment, and when I woke up, I remembered why I was there and what I had done. I haven't been able to stop thinking about my mistakes and I've got all up in my head and I started to see myself, or rather the things I've done…" he sighed once again. "Look, it's all just a part of my baggage. Just one of the many things I get to carry around with me. Please, just tell her, I'll be fine."
"Suit yourself on that. I know next to nothing about your time in Cheph. Although, at some point, I would like to hear more. But I do know a thing or two about sleepless nights. I've spent my fair share dealing with the exact same thing."
"While I don't doubt the sleepless nights, I promise, our baggage is nowhere near the same. I don't think it's even playing the same game."
"Well, mine is all black, with these little wheels so I can drag it around. I suspect yours is pink, with yellow polka-dots, and a worn-out handle from carrying it everywhere."
Hutch groaned, not having the strength left to even shake his head.
"Not even a smirk, this is serious," Casimir remarked, pulling up his leg as he adjusted himself further onto the bed. "I wish I could tell you there was a simple fix to this, but there isn't. Regardless of the advice I give you, your mind will haunt you with the what ifs, whether you like it not. Telling you not to let the mistakes of the past dictate your future, doesn't even seem to really apply to our situations either."
"It's not even about the mistakes I made, Cas. It's about how quick I was to make them," Hutch blurted out, his body trembling as he pulled his legs to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. "It's about how little it took for me to betray you. You weren't just my superior and mentor, you were my friend. You were my best friend. We were practically brothers. All these years, all this time, I've known I was justified in my choices. That I made the right decisions and chose the right path. I was right because I had been wronged. Now, all I can see is how wrong I've been about everything. Nothing I did… none of it, makes any sense to me. You, your family, the way you treat me, none of it makes sense. Jay was right, and I couldn't even see it. But I do now. At the end, I was the villain. I was the monster, wasn't I?"
Casimir lowered his eyes to the bed spread and gave a faint nod. "Yes, Hutch. At the end of it all, you were."