"Hana!" Called Ichika, smiling brightly as she sped-walk toward her girlfriend Hanako. The other girl, a bit taller despite Ichika's heels, grinned as she hugged her. "Hey there, Ichi." She chuckled out, holding the shorter girl as tightly as she could, before releasing, settling on holding her hand now.
"I have so much to tell you, Hana~" Ichika cooed, swinging their combined hands together like they were both happy schoolgirls. "Really, Ichika?" Hanako responded, squeezing her girlfriend's hand as they walked toward a park near the glimmering seaside.
As the sun settled itself into the hands of the mountains across the ocean, the two girls chattered happily, intertwining their hands as they sat on the flattest rocks they could find, considering there was no shore to settle on. This was peaceful, this is bliss. Ichika found all her worries nullified as she sat in her lover's arms.
Though, there was an air about Hanako. Ichika could sense almost every feeling her girlfriend had, since she noticed the little things. How long Hanako's silent for. The infliction of words Hanako uses. The number of words. Today, she could feel that aura of Hanako she hadn't felt since they were in high school. The aura of something heavy. The aura of things getting bad again.
This worried Ichika, but she didn't let it get to her. Surely, it's her paranoia that she's harbored since childhood. It's nothing, and Ichika can let it go.
No matter how much she told herself that, she couldn't help but feel the way Hanako breathed, and how it hitched as if she wanted to say something. "...Is everything okay?" She asked, her heart thundering inside of her chest as paranoia filled her body, her legs going numb, her face feeling hot.
The other girl sighed. Ichika's heart dropped into her stomach. "I think... I want to die." Hanako said with a heavy tone, looking over at the calm, smooth water that had been clashing against the rocks earlier.
Ichika felt like a part of her just left. Something had just died inside of her. And she felt many things. Guilt. Misery. Paranoia. Fear. Little hints of anger that came from a selfish side of herself. She could almost cry. "Why?" She spat out in the midst of her internal conflict, not realizing how selfish or mean that could've sounded.
"Just..." Hanako inhaled shakily. "I want to reach heaven. There's... Not really much for me on this earth." She hugged Ichika a bit tighter.
This confused Ichika. Not much? Wasn't she enough for Hanako? Hanako got so much better after Ichika said yes to her confession. After they began dating, after graduating high school. Was that all a lie? Did Hanako lie to her?
She hoped Hanako didn't lie to her. She hoped this was just a rough patch, and things would be better tomorrow. Though, there was an impending dread that things wouldn't, and Ichika was being hopelessly hopeful again.
"I forgive you for telling me," Ichika spoke without thinking. "If you really want to die, I'll go with you." That felt like a lie to Ichika. She wasn't suicidal, she was quite frankly scared of death. But she loved Hanako so deeply, she loved her so intensely, that if Hanako asked her to drive a stake through her own heart, she would. She loved Hanako so much Ichika would be the one to apologize if Hanako hurt her. Simply, she'd do anything. She loved Hanako so terribly. She loved Hanako like she wasn't meant to be loved back. She loved Hanako.
"Oh, darling..." Hanako said wearily. "Don't say such things. If I die, I want you to live beautifully for me." Ichika felt tears roll down her face. It's not fair. How was Ichika meant to live if the girl she planned to marry decided to take her life?
The bustling energy that was so prominent during the setting sun died into an uncomfortable, deadly silence as the girls walked home. They stopped in front of Hanako's home, Ichika fearing to let go of her hand.
"Will you be okay on your own?" Ichika asked, her voice wavering with tears soon to come. "I promise. I'll be okay, Ichi." Hanako responded tenderly, kissing Ichika's forehead, and walking away. Leaving Ichika alone.
She walked aimlessly through the night, her headphones full of music she wasn't paying attention to. It felt as if she wasn't there, her consciousness fluttering gently above her head. She made it home.
Ichika thought restlessly. She checked her phone almost every minute, anticipating a "goodbye" message from Hanako. Ichika was far from suicidal, but she meant it when she said she'd die with Hanako. She meant every word of it, even if she wasn't struggling.
She chewed at her fingertips, pulled at her hair, sighed and gasped for seemingly no reason at all. She felt short of breath, she felt tired. But she was too scared to sleep.
The message never came, and as four a.m. rolled around, Ichika found that she couldn't keep herself awake any longer. The anxiety felt numbing as the sleepy side of her overtook, and any stress was postponed until Ichika eventually awakened. Oh, she hoped she didn't dream of Hanako.