In an empty room tied to a chair was a tiki masked alien by the name of Ned. Surrounding him were at least 11 cats spread across the room including some on Ned's desk. One boss cat with a fancy hat was sitting on Ned's lap.
Boss cat: Alright Nyed, you have a lot of explaining to do.
Ned: Nyoo please I... I just did what that manager you sent requested me to. I had no idea they would...
Boss cat: Shut up!
The cat gave Ned a slap with his paws.
Boss cat: The nyext one will be with my claws out. Understand?!
Ned nodded.
Boss cat: Good, nyow please explain to me again why the credit cards we gave you have 100 bitcoins worth of credit spent.
Ned while gulping: I... I gave the teams...
Boss cat: Say it...
Ned: I gave the teams the cat gatcha game as a mini-prize with access to your credit card for purchases!
Boss cat: And don't you ever forget it... your myistake has cost us myillions.
Ned: But... but I don't understand, doesn't your company own the cat gatcha game too? You get the profits anyway.
Boss cat: Nyo you fool!
He got up and slapped Ned again.
Boss cat: You forgot about transnyactional fees. Ever think about that! We have to pay 2.9% to Catpay just for facilitating each transnyaction. Nyeven the tax write-offs aren't worth it.
Ned: Ple... please don't hurt me. I have a very expansive collection of old coins from different countries that may be worth a bit online if you want that.
Boss cat: Nyo one is going to take your coins Nyed... just make sure this finyale goes as planned. Nyunderstand?
Ned: Ye... Yes Myister Flufferton.
Flufferton: That's Myaster Flufferton to you! And good... everything will still go as planned then, meowwhahahahahahahaahahah.
-Meanwhile-
Paula: Yo Xavpoor check it, I rolled a fish cat.
Xavier: What! No way, those only show up once in every 100,000 rolls. You're sure it's not a catfish?
Paula: Nope this is for sure a fish cat, check it.
Xavier: Damn
Fiona: Sick.
Paula: I know right? Damn, should I try to resell on the market?
Xavier: What!? No way, that is a one-of-a-kind cat. You will never find equivalent value.
Paula: Mmmm... I know but the thing is 'I' don't like it very much.
Ned: ALRIGHT THAT'S ENYOUGH I ALREADY DID AN INTRO SCENE FOR THE FINALE. INTO THE HOLE YOU GO.
Fiona: Oh nyoooooooo
-1 follow-up scene later-
Ned: ALRIGHT CITIZENS OF THE GALAXY. ARE YOU READY TO START THE ULTIMATE SILLY HUMANS SEASON FINALE FEATURING THE DIPSHITS AND THE MOBIUS SIBLINGS? LET ME HEAR YOU CHEER!
The crowd began its thunderous cheering. They were so loud I had to cover my ears from the deafening effects. Somehow Melanie was still as unconscious as she had been in the previous 3 challenges.
Ned: FOR TODAY'S CHALLENGE YOU WILL BE DOING A CHALLENGE AS OLD AS TIME ITSELF. A CHALLENGE THAT MANY GREATS THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE ATTEMPTED TO DO TIME AND TIME AGAIN. A CHALLENGE THAT VERY MUCH DETERMINES THE REGULAR SEASON MVP AWARD IN THE NBA DESPITE WHAT MANY PEOPLE SAY.
Xavier: Ah crap I know exactly where this is going.
Ned: THIS IS THE NARRATIVE CHALLENGE BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.
Paula: Explain more.
Ned: SO IT'S LIKE THIS DIPSHITS. THE FINAL CHALLENGE OF THE SEASON IS A TEST OF YOUR AHEM... PERSUASIVE SKILLS. YOU AS A GROUP WILL BE GIVING A PRESENTATION TO OUR AUDIENCE ON WHY YOUR TEAM DESERVES TO WIN THIS SEASON OF SILLY HUMANS AND NOT HAVE YOUR PLANET BLOWN UP. YOU WILL BE DOING THIS BY TELLING A CONVINCING NARRATIVE ABOUT YOUR TEAM THAT WOULD MOVE THE AUDIENCE INTO TEARS AND LEAVE THEM NO CHOICE BUT TO VOTE FOR YOU AS THE FINAL WINNER OF ULTIMATE SILLY HUMANS. ANY QUESTIONS FROM OUR CONTESTANTS?
Billy: I have one!
Ned: GO AHEAD BILLY.
Billy: I would like to take this time to...
He pointed a finger at me.
Billy: Take a moment to say good luck once again... to my forever eternal rival Xavier.
The audience gasped at his announcement.
Xavier: Thanks?
Billy: Indeed, while we have had many battles through the days, this will be the last one. I remember on the first day...
Ned: SAVE IT FOR THE CHALLENGE BILLY. ALRIGHT GUYS, TAKE THEM TO THE CENTER AREA AGAIN WHERE THEY WILL HAVE 1 HOUR TO PREPARE A CONVINCING NARRATIVE BEFORE EACH TEAM IS GIVEN MICROPHONES WHERE THEY WILL READ THEIR NARRATIVES OUT LOUD.
Xavier: Wait before we do that I also have a question.
Ned: WHILE WE GET SET UP A WORD FROM TODAY'S SPONSER, CATWORLD.
-1 Hour Nyater-
Ned: ALRIGHT SO, YOUR PREP TIME IS NOW OVER.
Xavier: Wait no... can we have a few more minutes?
Paula: Nah we're good.
Xavier: Paula we didn't discuss anything. You were looking for Pokémon and Fiona only knows what appeals to the Canadian audience. I'm pretty sure we can't just tell a story about how this will affect Wayne Gretsky's legacy.
Fiona: Yolo.
Ned: TOO BAD, YOU'LL HAVE EXTRA TIME TO THNK ANYWAYS THOUGH. THE FIRST TO GO WILL BE THE MOBIUS SIBLINGS. COME ON DOWN TO CENTER STAGE WHERE THE MICROPHONES ARE SET UP.
Indeed at the center of the rectangular cement block stage were 4 microphones. Tiki masked aliens led the Mobius siblings there where each sibling took a microphone. The crowd silenced in anticipation.
Billy: Thank you.
He looked over at his siblings who all nodded in unison.
Billy: This, dear friends of the galaxy, is a story that I hope contains a little something for everyone. Ahem... go ahead, dear sister 1.
Billy's sister 1: Billy my name is Mary like I've been telling you since birth. Anyways, this is the story of Billy Mobius, the prodigal son of the Mobius family and eventual heir to the throne. At a young age, Billy mastered many things. At age 5 he was a grandmaster at chess. At age 8 he won the world championship spelling bee competition. And at age 20, he had already mastered what took his father 30 years to master. A technique he brought out when we most needed him to. The fabled single Mobius.
Billy's brother: Indeed, for as long as Billy lived, there was not a soul on our planet who could challenge him. Even I... his twin brother only born slightly after Billy, could not hold a candle to what Billy could do. The whole kingdom thought Billy was the greatest man the universe had ever created. Not a soul could replicate his talents.
Billy: That is of course... until I met him.
The lights of the arena suddenly turned off and a single spotlight light shined on Billy.
Billy: My eternal rival, Xavier!
He pointed his finger over at me again as a spotlight shined down on me as well.
Xavier: Why do we exist just to suffer?
Billy: Ever since I first saw him on the battlefield, something about his beauty just mesmerized me. The way he looked when being stepped on during his infamous work "Blonde Girl dominates submissive simp". That was true art.
Billy's Sister 2: Yes, and although there were initial misunderstandings between the two, and many arguments back and forth between them as well, there was that hint of respect and admiration underneath. After all, in reality, Billy was a tsundere under the surface.
Billy: Indeed, it was hard sir Xavier. In truth... you just shined so brilliantly in my mind. I thought I could never be your equal but yet... but yet...
Xavier: Billy, wait no please Billy, not the tears again. Billy come on...
Billy: That kiss. Was it just a gag joke like everyone on the internet claims? Or did it mean something more Xavier? Did it mean something more? It was your first kiss too was it not?
Xavier: Okay yes but I don't think...
Billy: No, hold your words. For if my planet, planet 24 is allowed to survive. You can tell me yourself... in my palace, over tea and crumpets.
As he finished his sentence, I looked down at Melanie who was lying on the ground where her stupid grin was reaching max levels of shit-eating.
Xavier: Yo Melanie, now would be a good time to wake up. We sorta need your fanfic writing skills for this one.
I went over and gave the girl a few slaps on the face but alas she was still unconscious.
Ned: WOW WHAT A TEARJERKING STORY BILLY. AUDIENCE AT HOME, REMEMBER TO GO TO OUR WEBSITE ULTIMATESILLYHUMANS.COM AND VOTE MOBIUS SIBLINGS IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO VOTE FOR PLANET 24. OR TEXT 24 TO THE NUMBER AT THE BOTTOM OF YOUR SCREEN. NOW THEN WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, LET'S GET TO THE DIPSHITS FOR THEIR NARRATIVE.
I gulped. Fuck fuck fuck what was I to do? I had to come up with something. Uhhh... Fiona, I guess her arc was undeveloping as a human? What kind of stupid retcon plotline is that? Okay okay, maybe Paula would work. But she's just been playing Pokémon this whole time. I don't think she improved at all as a character nor did anything that resembled development. Melanie's been unconscious for half the trials and as for me...
Paula: I got this.
Xavier: Okay what if we...
She held out a hand to me and looked at me with a smile.
Paula: I got this.
Something about her cool pose and demeanor at that moment made me feel a renewed sense of confidence. That was probably the coolest Paula had ever looked in her entire life. Her smile sent chills down my back.
Paula: You've heard of Chekov's Gun right?!?! Well, this!
She held up a smartphone in the air.
Xavier: Wait Paula what are you...
Paula: Restrain her toots.
Xavier: Wait what!?!
Before I could do anything, Fiona had me pinned to the ground so I couldn't move.
Fiona: For your own good.
Paula: Anyways.
She turned back to face the audience.
Paula: This, audience at home, is a non-violent alternative to a gun for kids to learn about! Chekov's blackmail!
Ned: OH? INTRIGUING, HOW SO?
Paula: You see, Ned, inside my smartphone, is a video. A video that in a way is a plot device that can dramatically alter the ending of this story and make relevant the themes established from the very beginning! I've been saving this bad boy up even though I know I could continuously blackmail Xavscrewed here if I wanted to! But I didn't. Because I knew it would come in handy at this exact moment.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't break free from Fiona as I helplessly watched Paula begin to disintegrate my pride.
Paula: Now as you all probably know, we've had a certain member of our team asleep the last few trials. A certain presence that has been missing.
Xavier: No... NO.
Paula: But that changes now.
She ruthlessly clicked the play button of the video that will shame me for the rest of my life and tossed it in front of Melanie's sleeping face. I wanted to cry as I heard the pillow kissing noises.
"Ohhhhh Melanie you're so cute."
Melanie: Huh what?
Xavier: Fiona, can you perform Euthanasia?
Fiona: No, this is your eternal punishment.
Suddenly Melanie opened her eyes. She looked to see Paula's smartphone which she grabbed and paused the video that had been playing. She put a finger on the screen dragging it so the video restarted from the beginning.
Xavier: Hello darkness my old friend.
Tears rolled down my eyes as the video continued to play. This whole time Melanie's facial expression did not change as she attentively watched the entire contents of the video. Even so, I could feel the internal cringe in her mind. To make matters worse, Ned had even somehow managed to display the entire video on the TV at the top of the stadium for the whole Universe to see. After a grueling, agonizing, torturous 1 minute and 23 seconds, the video finally ended as I buried my face in the ground in defeat.
Xavier: I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die.
Melanie: Xavier...
Xavier: Yes?
Melanie: I've read Hetalia Fanfiction and that was still by far the cringiest thing I have ever seen in my life. I would like to die too.
She began burying her hands in her face curling into a ball on the ground in embarrassment as her face turned red.
Melanie and Xavier in unison: Kill me Kill me Kill me Kill me Kill me.
Ned: ALRIGHT AND THERE YOU HAVE IT FOLKS, THE TWO NARRATIVES PRESENTED BY THE TWO PLANETS! WHICH ONE DID YOU THINK WAS BETTER? LET'S BE REAL THOUGH... BILLY'S WAS BETTER. LOOK, EVEN THE CHARACTERS IN THE DIPSHIT NARRATIVE ARE EMBARRASSED BY HOW BAD THEIR STORY IS. WAIT... WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE DIPSHITS ARE WINNING, WHAT!?!?!
On the center TV, a graphic began to display the voting results. It appeared currently dipshits had a 56% lead on the Mobius Siblings.
Ned: NO NO, THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING, WELL THERE'S STILL 5 MINUTES OF VOTING LEFT, WE CAN'T SAY A WINNER UNTIL ALL THE TIME IS UP!
But as time went on, the % shifted higher and higher for the dipshits. By the time 5 minutes had passed, we had claimed 69% of the total votes.
Ned: NO NO THIS IS... OKAY, I SWEAR MYASTER FLUFFINGTON, I SWEAR THIS WAS NOT PLANNED. WAIT NO PLEASE GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE I SWEAR.
Myaster Fluffington: WE SET THE ODDS AT -150 FOR MEOBIUS SIBLINGS ON OUR BETTING PLATFORM FOR A REASON NYED... SO EVERYONE WOULD BET THE OTHER SIDE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND NYOW MUCH THIS WILL COST US?
Ned: YES YES I KNOW BUT... LOOK THIS CONTEST DOESN'T COUNT, WE'VE BEEN DUPED! THE REAL FINALE IS NEXT WEEK, TUNE IN FOR...
Myaster Fluffington: WE DON'T HAVE THE TIME SLOT FOR NYEXT WEEK NYED. DANCING WITH THE CATELBRITIES IS ON. YOU WILL NYOW HAVE TO FACE THE WRATH OF THE MEOW. IT'S ALL OVER NYOW.
And as he said that, suddenly a giant crack opened up in the cement square block. And out from the crack came out hundreds of kittens who began charging at us.
Myaster Fluffington: SILLY HUMANS, IT IS TIME TO MEET YOUR DOOM MEOWHAHAHAHAHA
Xavier:
Nyooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
…
…
Xavier's mom: Xavier!
A slap suddenly came across my face.
Xavier: Huh what?
As I looked up I noticed my mom's annoyed expression after slapping me in the face.
Xavier's mom: Jeez Xavier, what the fuck were you watching last night? For heaven's sake, I'm taking you back onto campus tomorrow. Get some fucking sleep.
As she said that, she turned off the lights again and left my room.
Xavier: Huh...
My memories of everything at this moment were fuzzy as the image of the second island still lingered in my mind.
Xavier: Wow... this is such a copout to writing an actual ending.
I sighed as I lay back down on my bed. I checked my entire room and under my bed to ensure there weren't any Paulas in sight.
Xavier: It really was all just a dream this time huh? Yeah, that's just lazy writing. How did that even happen?
As I said that, a message notification came from the phone on my desk. I reached to grab it.
Xavier: Fiona? How did you even get my number?
I opened the text message which read 3 French words.
Xavier: Deus Ex Machina... I guess.
*Buzz* Another message came.
Fiona: Series not over, I need cover.
Xavier: …
I sighed looking over at my alarm clock. It was 3 AM. Whelp, might as well get some shut-eye I guess. At least now I don't have to figure out the Paula situation where I helped her with a hit and run. Huh, I wonder if that part was real.
As I thought about that, another text message popped onto my phone.
Xavier: Paula? Okay, I know for sure I did not give you my number.
Paula: Thanks for the lift, I venmoed the damages to you for the car.
Xavier: ... whatever I'll figure this out tomorrow.
I put my phone away again. Before procrastinating and figuring out everything else later, I suppose this was a good time to get some shut-eye at least. I hoped in that moment, to have a nice wonderful dream instead of the nightmare I just had. A dream where I'm on my date with Melanie next week so that I can copy the ideas of my subconscious self and use them during my awake hours. Yeah, that sounded like a plan. ZZZZZZZ...
*Beep*
Xavier: What now…
I opened my eyes as another text message came on my phone. One from a profile that had a cat picture.
Xavier: Melanie?
Melanie: Hey Xavier, I was thinking. How about an aquarium? For some reason, I have a keen interest in seeing fish now!
I blinked twice after reading the message.
Xavier: Ohhhh she means for what we're doing next week.
I texted a message back.
Xavier: Yeah that sounds good. Anywhere with you is fine honestly. But why do you suddenly want to see fish exactly?
A few minutes after sending the text, Melanie sent me a jpg file.
Xavier: huh?
After a few seconds of buffering, the image loaded. It was her holding a cat.
Xavier: Wait that picture is your cat and not one you found on the internet?
Melanie: Yeah! Just bought him from the shelter last week. This is Myster Fluffington! We've been growing pretty close lately. I want to bring him with us when we go somewhere next week if that's okay. The zoo has too many predators! I think he prefers the fish.
Xavier: Uhhh... sure why not.
Melanie: :D Okay, good nyight!
Xavier: Huh... I guess they really do rule the universe... Oh nyo...
.
The End
This novel is sponsored by Catify. Want tunes made by cats for cats? Than head over to Catify where you will find such hits consistently entirely of cat meows such as:
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Cat overlords have mercy. I did what you told me and made the video. Please, let my family go. Until then "Stuck on Another Another Island with My Boss's Daughter" release date unknown.