The while ordeal only made sense ,and sunk in when the police drove us home. When we got there both our families were there and they looked so miserable . As soon as I set foot to the lounge Lwandile came to hug me ,I pushed him away . This was just too hard to just accept like that . " Why are you all here ? " I didn't even wait for them to answer ,Malik tried grabbing my arm ,and trying to gold me but I ran to the boys nursery . In my heart I was hoping they were peacefully asleep on their cots ,but my mind knew that was impossible .
When I got in, it was so quiet and they were not there . I sat down in the rocking chair and only then did tears roll down my cheeks . I began slowly , holding in my cry ,but it just built up so fast I let it out and cried out loud . I kept in staring at their pictures that were on the table they were so cute . And I was never going to see them again. Looking at their picture took me back to the image on the road the blood. When I looked at my pants they had stains of blood . I tried washing it off with my bare hands ,ran out ,and Malik was by the door , I pushed him away ran in on the bathroom and got some water in me . I kept on washing trying to wash it off .
" Enough ,you will hurt your hands ! " When I turned to look at him . He was out of words he did not know what to say to me . He kept on quickly wiping off his tears ,trying to hide them from me . " No it can't be ,Malik it's just can't" When I said that he came up to me . I was too weak to stand without falling to my knees. He knelt down and ,placed my head on his chest and we just sat there and cried ,cried as if there was no tomorrow . The pain I was feeling was deep .
I had devoted my entire life to those boys. They were the reason I woke up in the morning ,the reason for my heart beat . They made me feel proud ,of who I was ,made me feel special and alive. Just like that they were gone ,no more ...in just a couple of minutes . How did God expect me to live without them ,to go on with that big hole in my heart . It was just unfair . I knew I was no angel ,and I had a lot of sins ,but if he wanted to punish me ,why didn't he take my life ,why didn't he kill me and spare the lives of my children .
Tasha and Sheila removed us from the bathroom floor . They took Malik to the lounge and Sheila helped me get cleaned up . I got into my pajamas . I couldn't face all those people feeling sorry for me . Because the truth was I was blaming myself for it all ,I should have been careful ,I was their mom I should have been able to protect them ,but I failed. I felt as if they blamed me too, I failed my babies and Malik . I heard Lisa arrive . I headed for my room . On the bed there was that green rattle toy which was a caterpillar . Legacy loved that toy ,but Loyalty was not a fan of it .
I kept it near my heart . I thought of how Legacy used to laugh when that toy made Loyalty cry . I couldn't stop the tears . I didn't know how I was feeling ,I was numb and was dying of guilt . I did not want anyone in that room . I just wanted to be alone . There was a knock on the door " Go Away ! " I said that and went back to my crying . " We always stick together no matter what ...you hurting and you know i need to be there with you " Those were the words of Lwandile . I needed him ,and after sometime I woke up and went to open the door and he got in . As soon as he got in, he had his arms ready for me ,I fell onto them and he just let me cry on to him .
That reminded me as kids ,Lwandile was always there to listen to my problems ,do whatever it takes to bring back my joy . He told me even then he couldn't explain why that happened ,and he couldn't bring back my babies ,but he was going to be there . At that moment I connected more to Lwandile than Malik and I kept on pushing him away ,because I thought he blamed me for the death of our sons .
Organizing that funeral took a toll on me . I couldn't survive living in that house anymore . I wanted to be with Lwandile . It was a good thing that he had his own place to stay ,I decided I'll move in with him for some time after the funeral . , all the memories in that house tortured me . We had to choose coffins for our four months year old babies . As soon as we got in that place ,I just couldn't . " They were also your children ,so Lorna please help me out ...I feel like I'm drowning in all this and you are not by my side " when he said that I did not know what he meant ,but I felt like he was attacking me and I snapped . " Oh there it is you blaming me for the death of our children ...can't you see the hurt I'm in , I can't accept harming my children Malik . I feel like I failed them and you ! " And tears began to roll down my cheeks .
He told me to wait in the car . He had to make the decisions alone and I felt bad ,but I just couldn't . When he came out he looked so crushed . We had to go and sign some papers from the mortuary ,,organizing for the bodies to be delivered the next day . We agreed on burning them ,so we could have a place to visit them at whenever . I had their little suits in my hands . It was the hardest time of my life . Seeing their bodies in my sleep every night took me to the day I set Lewis on fire .
That night I spent it awake ,and just pacing up and down the nursery . Malik tried to convince me to sleep ,but I couldn't ,I was scared of the nightmares that kept on haunting me . He felt as helpless as I was . Four months into our wedding and we had such a tragedy . Malik just sat by the door and he stared at the room and he began to sob . It was the first time I saw Malik like that ,he always managed to keep composure . I sat down and I placed his head on my lap and slowly hushed him . My breast were filled with milk .They were so painful ,they dropped on every clothing I had on . That just made my pain worse . Malik eventually fell asleep on lap and I wiped his tears dry .
We woke up and had to get ready to go to church before everyone else . We dressed up in black and Lwandile was the one who drove us to the church . When we arrived ,there were the two little coffins in front . I slowly walked and sat on the bench in front . I couldn't get my eyes off those two tiny wooden boxes that contained the most important thing to me . Malik came and sat next to me ." It's about to begin " He kept my head on his shoulder and we both fixed our eyes on those coffins . Tasha got the people seated and the priest began the service . All the people were so teary ,and the annoying part the press was present ,they had zero respect for us !
The priest called upon the parents to say a few words and say our goodbyes . Malik was not up to it . He was the one who organized everything . So I also had to step up ,and I took a deep breath and stood up heading to the front . I hadn't eaten in days and was light headed ,when I tripped Lwandile was there to help me to the front . My voice was all creaky ,and I'm not sure if they could hear what I was saying . " I never thought of this day like this . It was supposed to be me on that coffin and the boys bidding me goodbye . I feel robbed ,I didn't have much time with them . I know they have gone to a better place ,but who am I supposed to be left with . If this was God's plan then he is being unfair . I want them to know I loved them a lot and will always do ! May I meet up with them in the afterlife . "
As soon as I said thank you Tasha began the song " Amazing Grace " She did have one strong ,soulful voice . When I got off the stage Malik stood up and I ran into his arms ,he kind of picked me up and we just hugged. I couldn't hear the sounds of his cry ,but I could feel my dress getting wet . Then we went to the cemetery . I threw in in the flowers ,Malik placed the rugby ball those boys used to play with ,and Kyle placed the ratty toy the loved . Everybody started leaving we stayed for a couple of minutes to say our last goodbyes .