TW: suicide and self-harm.
Vijayaprastha, Kadamba Rajya, Dwapara Yuga
Back to the present
It's been 6 months since Ahyan was staying in the royal palace in the capital. This time was a blur, where he went from being disassociated from emotions to avoid feeling pain to slowly accepting his reality and building a new present.
First came denial. He couldn't believe that something like this could happen in real life. He pinched himself to come out of the dream. He didn't sleep at night, fearing he'd live in this illusion forever. He checked for hidden cameras to see if this was a sick prank. He even spied on the servants and his attendants as if they were working for some psychotic cult. After eliminating all the impossibilities, he concluded, whatever remains must be the truth.
Then it was the summer of anger. He was angry at everything and everyone, including himself. "I just wanted to draw a butterfly, dammit!" he groaned. He cursed at his ex to his heart's content. "Fuck you, Revanth, you bloody cunt! I hope you rot in Dante's inferno!" he screamed into his pillow.
As the days passed by, he channelled his frustrations towards art. After all, he was a Webtoon artist before his life became a mess. He drew for popular comics like 'Mirayah wants to grow mushrooms on her body'. Artists here mostly used mineral-based dyes like Azurite, Malachite, Opriment and Vermillion. As for brushes, they're made of pig and squirrel hair, depending on the precision of strokes needed. Canvases are called Patta, but he didn't know what they were made of and honestly he couldn't care less. He just needed an outlet to vent his frustrations. He unleashed his wrath on the canvases and created masterpieces. He ate, painted, and slept every day.
His days went in a daze, where he remembered fractions of getting bathed in scented water with herbs and flowers, dressed in familiar garments he had seen in period dramas, decked in gold jewellery, and eating in big thalis in his room. His room became his world.
In the autumn of isolation, Ahyan shut out the entire world. Whenever the royal couple or the others approached him, he was polite yet distant from them, with an empty smile and nod.
Later came the winter of depression. He lost the hunger and spent all day staring at a random point in a daze. He cried himself to sleep, soaking the pillows with tears of sorrow.
"There's no point in living like this, is it? All I see is an endless tunnel of darkness with no way out. If I can't get back my life, then what's the point of living?" he thought morosely while having his bath in the luxurious pool. With great difficulty, he sent the attendants away. When he was sure there was no one in the bath, he took out the fruit knife he had with him and cut across his left wrist near the pulse. "Goodbye world," he whispered as his vision went black.
Nishaat is a guard from the elite shadows under the imperial command. When the commander assigned him to the royal guest, who was saved when the royal family performed the annual yagna. He did his duty, following him in the shades.
He's one odd man, for sure. His fumbling with his antariya and uttariya, but denying assistance from his attendants, is his daily dose of entertainment. Then again, he might have lost someone important. They found him on the shore where the havan was performed so he might be a victim of the Samudra Deva's anger and lost everything in the storm that hit a few days before the yagna.
"He's such an unfortunate soul," he sighed in pity. He had seen him going through various stages of grief – denial, anger, isolation and sadness. It's quite saddening to see a man slowly losing his will to exist. Time flew by. Despite the efforts of the royal couple, it seemed he stuck was in his head, unable to receive the love he was given.
He saved the royal guest and soon-to-be prince in the nick of time when he noticed he took more time than usual in the bath. He had little impression on the royal guest, who just stared blankly in a stupor all the while or do weird stints, but looking at him lying pale in the bathing pool with the fragrant water tainted with blood trickling from his veins, it was a horror to watch. He rushed and picked up him into his arms, throwing a cloth over the guest's bare body, and ordered the guards to call for the physician urgently.
He later briefed the majesties. They came hurriedly to Ahyan's room, where he was being treated. Looking at his pale face, queen Suravarchassa gasped, covering her mouth with tears spilling from her eyes. King Mayuravarma looked at him with eyes glistening with tears, lips quivering, fists clenched, trying hard not to cry while consoling his wife.
Nishaat worked for the palace as a guard in various positions since he was 16, but never saw the king, the strongest man he knew in such despair. The queen was crying silently, sitting beside the patient, holding his unharmed wrist and caressing his hair like a mother would do while the physician was treating him. He wondered what was so special about him that'd make the royal couple worry about him so much.
"What should we do, swami? When we talked about his arrival, he took it well and also agreed to stay with us and even being our adopted son! I know he's grieving and our efforts weren't received well, but to think he'd try to - to take his life, we can protect him from every danger in this world, but how can we save him from his despair?" sobbed Suravarchssa.
"All we can do is to be his support system, priye. We need to be there for him in this darkness so he doesn't feel alone. His entire life turned upside down and coming to terms with that takes a lot of time. His heart needs to accept the fact that his life will not be the same again. It needs time to mourn for the lost life and feel content with the new one. For that, we need to create a safe space and earn his trust so that he can share his pain with us. Maybe making friends with people can help," said Mayuravarma, consoling his wife.
He knew the pain his wife was feeling, and he reciprocated it. Mahadev has given them a chance to love someone as parents and they don't know how to soothe their soon-to-be son's aching heart. They can replace his family but hoped one day they'd be a part of it.
A soft clearing of the throat cut through the quiet and gloomy atmosphere. "Rajaathiti is out of danger as the cut wasn't deep. He's physically alright apart from exhaustion, but mentally he's far from being fine. To relieve him from his manovyedha, he needs to have something that distracts him from negative thoughts. Be positive in your and deliberate in your approach, but don't give him a sense of you walking on eggshells around him. Listen carefully before speaking and don't impose your ideas, as it can cause more harm than good. Observe for signs which can trigger him and avoid them. Until he's fully ready, don't expose him to crowds, as it can be overwhelming. I'll prescribe some herbal concoctions and instruct their usage, your majesties," the royal physician said to the imperial couple.
They nodded and rewarded him before sending him off. The king turned towards Nishaat and said, "You are true to your name, Nishaat. I, as a father, thank you for saving my son's life."
It startled the queen to see another person in the room. "He's indeed as silent as a shadow," she mused. "Yes, vathsa. Words cannot describe how grateful I am. Ask any reward your heart desires, sainik," she said. "I must protect whom I'm assigned to with my life, Maharani. I apologise for not preventing it from happening," Ahyan's shadow guard replied with his hands folded in a salute towards the regale.
"I, Maharaja Mayuravarma, punish you-" "Swami, what are you doing? He SAVED our son!" interrupted his queen. He looked at her with a smile and said, "Let me finish my sentence, priye." The queen flushed red with embarrassment. She behaved unsightly, not befitting of a queen because of her worry for Ahyan. The king noticed it and said, "We are all stressed about the situation, priye, don't be too hard on yourself," placing a comforting hand on her shoulder while she leaned into his embrace.
"Ahem," Nishaat softly coughed, embarrassed seeing the royal couple being intimate. "Don't be so shy, sainik, soon you'll be craving to be close to your partner when you're in love with them," jested Mayuravarma, making the stoic guard flustered. He merely nodded, not knowing how to react. He didn't have romantic feelings towards anyone regardless of their gender, nor did he have any lustful urges, which he's fine with.
"We need to leave now, priye. Let putra get some rest and we'll talk about this when he wakes up," said the king. "You're right, swami. Sainik, I'm not ordering you as a queen but requesting you as a mother, please take care of my son," said Suravarchassa. "Please do not embarrass me by requesting me to do my duty, maharani, I'll protect rajaathiti with my life," pledged Nishaat. He bowed to the imperial couple as they left the room.
He wondered why they were so adamant about making this man their son. Surely, there'd be much better people of good pedigree to be adopted. Then again, the royal family didn't care about pedigree and caste, otherwise, he, a blacksmith's son, would never become a part of the imperial shadow guard. "Our kingdom is much better than those pompous kingdoms such as Hastinapur," he thought with pride.
He felt sorry for the lad in the bed. His family and everything were taken away from him in a blink of an eye. He looked so serene with his long eyelashes fluttering like butterflies (A/N: Ahyan would beat you with a slipper if he heard that lol) unlike his turbulent self before.
"What the fuck?!" Ahyan woke up screaming. He checked if his teeth were still intact.
He swore to God he always got the weirdest dreams. Now he dreamt he was playing with a man's nipples with his mouth and suddenly there was an armour covering his torso, nearly breaking his teeth. "Why the fuck I'm dreaming about having sex with Karna when I tried to kill myself so that I'll go back to my time?" he chided himself. Looking out the window, it was a moonless starry night looking like a sparkling black dress.
He remembered the queen saying to ring the bell to call the attendants. A young boy, who might be in his early teens, came to his room when he rang the bell. "Water," he croaked, as his throat was too dry. The attendant brought him a glass, which he gulped down. He held his head in his hands, trying to relieve his pain.
His mood became sombre when he realised what he did and the gravity of his action. What if he really died and never returned home? That thought made him shudder. In his denial and desperation, his logic flew out of the window. He was wallowing in self-pity and hate for this terrible fate. He forgot people cared for him. When he was in and out of consciousness, he could queen crying and the king consoling her in a trembling voice. He imagined his parents crying at his dead body, and that thought made him shiver. His attachment to the past made his present miserable. "Baby steps, Ahyan, baby steps. Until I find a way to get back to my home, I'll learn to savour what I've right now," he decided. "First, I need to apologise to my guardian angels," he thought.
"Can you tell me where their majesties are?" he asked the servant after putting down the glass. He bowed to Ahyan and replied, "Maharaja and Maharani are in their chamber, rajaathiti. Shall I inform them of your arrival?" "Yes, please," he said, for which the servant bowed and started to leave.
"Wait! What's your name?" he asked the servant. The latter was stunned for a moment. After recovering from the shock, he replied, "I'm named Chandran, rajaathiti," bowing to him. "It suits you well," said Ahyan with a soft smile. Chandran's cheeks went from rosy pink to beet red and he scurried, bowing to him. "What's with everyone blushing at the smallest compliments?" he grumbled.
Nishaat was watching everything with an amused expression. There'd be no boring day with him, he was sure of it. He knows not of his origins, but he's different from the people around him.
Ahyan was invited to the royal chambers a few moments later. Chandran and the guards escorted him. He was lost in thoughts as to how to face the king and queen. He felt guilty for attempting self-harm. They assured him he'd go back when the time came, but he didn't trust them enough. He wanted to bang his head for being such an idiot.
He hid his shaking hands behind him as they approached the chamber. When the servant announced his arrival, the queen rushed towards him and hug him tightly, her tears making his uttariya wet. He looked at the always-confident king with wet eyes and a watery smile, which made him feel even more guilty.
"I hurt you both by my shortsightedness and foolishness. I hope you can forgive me for my behaviour towards you and even if you don't, I understand it," he said after coming out of her embrace, tears rolling down his cheeks. Mayuravarma wiped Ahyan's tears and said, "I'd be lying if I say I'm not hurt by what happened today. When I saw you lying on the bed, lifeless, my world stopped. Never in my 55 years did I feel helpless. But I understand why you took such a drastic step. You should not apologise for feeling hopeless, Ahyan." "Haa putra, in a moment of time your life was snatched away from you and was shoved into something you didn't consent for. But death is never a solution, it's just an escape from your problems, putra. I know it's difficult, but can you try, for your sake?" added Suravarchassa, wiping away stray tears on his cheeks with her pallu.
"Thank you so much, your majesties. I can never forget your kindness and I promise to try to accept my reality and find joy from you and others who care about me, so group hug?" said Ahyan, engulfing them in a tight embrace. It was a warm sight to see the three of them hugging, like a family.
Today, reality hit him like a freight train and made him realise what a mess he was these past 6 months and he vowed to treasure this warmth. The couple was on the moon. He was finally coming out of the cocoon of melancholy and loneliness. They prayed to Mahadev he'll be forever happy and one day accept them as a part of his family. "I'll now leave to my room, your majesties. Good night," said Ahyan. "Good night, putra. May the Nidra Devi bless you with a peaceful dream and sweet dreams," Suravarchassa wished back, and they bid him goodbye.
When he left their chambers, the queen was brimming with happiness. "He hugged us, swami! He said he'll try accepting us!" she exclaimed, eyes shining. Seeing her sparkling made the king walk in the air. "I know priye. I believed one day our love will reach his heart, and it came true," he said. "Now let's sleep. Tomorrow is a new day in our relationship with our son," he added. She agreed, and they both drifted off to sleep with smiles on their faces.
Ahyan reached his room and plopped down on his bed, spreading his arms and legs wide in a starfish shape. He sighed, looking at the velvety black sky glittering with stars. So much happened today.
To be honest, he's kind of creeped out by the thought of someone following his every move, but then again, he saved his life so he felt gratitude towards him.
Although he doesn't know why he's here or who brought him here, he decided he would seize this moment and make the best out of it. "One step at a time, Ahyan. Slowly I'll start interacting with others and also maybe I'll make comics from fiction that exists here. I'll also explore this place, and cook meals. There's so much to do!" he thought, clapping his hands with excitement.
With hopes for tomorrow, he slept peacefully for the first time since he came here.
GLOSSARY:
• Dante's "Inferno" - the first part of his three-part epic poem "The Divine Comedy" written in the 14th century. Ahyan refers to the nine circles of hell where the story is set.
• Vathsa - son. An affectionate way for the elderly to address young men or boys
• Antariya - traditional cloth to cover the lower body, made of cotton or silk depending on the status
• Uttariya - traditional garment to cover the upper body, made of silk or cloth with borders depending on the status
• Patta - canvas
• Samudra Deva - the sea god
• Rajaathiti - the royal guest
• Manovyedha - heartache or here in this case being depressed
• Swami - a respectful to address one's husband
• Priye - an informal way to address one's female lover or wife
• Sainik - soldier
• Maharani - queen
• Nidra Devi - the goddess of sleep