As I stood in the middle of the road with tears distorting my vision and a running nose, everything looked blurry. I was definitely not in the right state of mind. I felt like the world should come to an end. I really wanted to kill myself that instant, but "was it the right thing to do?".

I was indecisive about committing suicide. I didn't really know what the world had for me, so I couldn't make a rash decision or, "Could I?". I felt it was a stupid decision to make because of a guy. Today was truly the worst day of my life.

My name is Victoria Anderson. I am 22 years old and was raised in an orphanage. I was chased out of the orphanage immediately after I blew out my birthday candle on my 16th year birthday and life has been tough on me ever since that day.

I suddenly heard a honk behind me, and I jacked back into reality and remembered that I was actually still in the middle of the road. "I'm so sorry,"  was what I kept saying until I passed through the road and successfully found my way into a coffee shop and sat down. I ordered an iced Americano, and it was served.

I remembered vividly that it was here I met my so-called heartthrob. 

****

FLASHBACK

On my 16th year birthday, after I blew my birthday candle, I was told that the manager of the orphanage wanted to see me urgently in her office. So, I walked to her office and knocked on the door twice before I heard her voice.

"Come in," I heard her voice, and I entered into her office.

I was offered a seat on the three-seater couch in her office. She stood up and sat slightly bent beside me, and faced me.

"I need to tell you something," she uttered with her head lowered to the ground. "I'm on all ears, ma'am". I bowed in a respectful manner and she sighed before speaking.

"There has been limited funding for us at the orphanage for some months now because some of our partners have withdrawn their partnership with the orphanage...

So the management decided to look for ways to reduce the orphans," she said, then looked at me, trying to look at my expression.

I already knew where she was driving at, so I started weeping.

"I'm so sorry that this policy has to start with you, dear; the others who are 18 years of age and older have left since yesterday, and no arrangements were made for them because most of them already had a secured scholarship, so they will definitely find their way," she explained soberly.

She continued "Victoria, you are still the oldest in this orphanage, and thankfully, you have finished your secondary school. It would be easy for you"

"Ma'am, where do I want to go? I haven't been given any scholarships yet," I asked, still weeping profusely.

"I found a room, and I have paid a six-month rent. I know it is against our policy here, but I want you to gather yourself before it dews.

"This is also five thousand naira from the orphanage, which I was asked to give you" She was also weeping herself.

The manager opened my hand and placed the five thousand naira with a piece of paper "That's the address to the room"

I always knew that I would leave the orphanage someday, but I didn't expect it to be this soon. So my dream of going to college just shattered after working my whole life to get great grades so I could get a scholarship?

My dream was to become a journalist like Anderson Cooper, who has been my role model since childhood.

"What good can I get from the five thousand naira?" I asked myself.

"Victoria, all you have to do is give up your academics for now and look for a job so that you will not starve to death because I don't have enough money to send you to school" she voiced slightly raising her voice.

I ran out immediately when she said that. Did she really have to say that? It was hurtful that it was going out of the mouth of someone I took as a mother.

I made sure to clean my tears because I didn't want my roommates to ask me any questions--they were still kids, and it would be wrong to explain anything to them.

I opened the wardrobe, and started to pack my belongings. They were giving me questioning looks, but I wasn't in the mood to answer any of their questions, so I turned a blind eye to their looks.

"Vicky, why are you packing your things? Are you running away from home?" The eldest among them, who was fifteen, asked me confusedly.

"It was never my home, though" I voiced, smiling as I took a sip of my coffee.

I drew her to the bathroom because I didn't want the younger ones to hear our discussion. I explained everything to her, and she started crying. Sandra spoke, still weeping

"I want to follow you; we will find a job and leave together. I can't stay here without you; I can't imagine my life without you.

"No, you can't; I'm not sure how I'm going to live, and I can't drag you into that kind of life. You will be fine here, I promise" I assured her, trying to control my tears.

"Okay, what if we beg the manager or the owner of the orphanage? They should be able to have a change of heart" Sandra held my hands.

"There's nothing we can do, and they are right. I'm sixteen years old; I should be able to fend for myself now. I should be independent now, so I feel that they are right.

If they send me out, you and the others will be able to live fine because the people they will fend for will reduce," I spoke trying to assure myself that I was going to be fine even though I knew that wasn't true.

"Okay, but promise me that you will come back for me; promise me that you will come to check on me frequently, and you will tell me if anything goes wrong"

Sandra waited for an answer. I placed my hand on my chest jokingly and said, "I promise ma'am"

Someone came inside the room searching for me. Sandra and I hurriedly left the bathroom and entered into the main room. We saw the janitor standing at the entrance of the room when we got out. "You have something to tell me?"

"I was ordered by the manager to inform you that the owner of the orphanage will be here soon, and she must not meet you here" the janitor informed.

Sandra angrily moved closer to the janitor. "Why?"

"It seems some spectators are coming along with her, and they must …." the janitor spoke but was rudely cut off by Sandra, who was a very outspoken kid.

"And so? Do you even know how hard this is for her, and you still don't want to give her time to say her goodbyes?" Sandra yelled angrily.

"Please I have nothing to do with this, I am just following orders. If you have a problem with all of this, you can go to the manager and tell her about your compliance, the janitor muttered calmly.

I instantly walked forward and apologized on her behalf, "I'm so sorry ma'am, she said it out of anger". I turned to Sandra after the janitor left, but before I could talk, she had already stormed out of the room in anger. 

I followed her and realized that she was crying again. "Sandra, I've got to go now" I informed her.

I waited for her to reply, but after a few minutes that she didn't; I turned around to leave, but I suddenly heard her voice. "So, you will just leave like this? Without fighting for your rights?" Sandra yelled out.

I nodded, but I didn't stop walking.

I honestly didn't want to leave, but I had no choice. Sandra stood up angrily and ran towards me, yelling at the top of her voice, "I hate you so much; you don't even care about me. You actually wanted to leave even without saying a proper goodbye?"

"I don't hate you, Sandra, and to stay here isn't my right but a privilege. If they had decided not to take us in when we were abandoned, it wouldn't have taken the life out of them. We should be grateful that they raised me till now" I yelled back at her with tears streaming down my face.

I didn't mean to yell, but I was frustrated and confused. I knew that I needed a break—a long-time break.

Sandra ran to me, giving me a tight hug and she wept for quite a while. I couldn't help but also cry deeply because it was truly something to cry about.

We hugged for a while before parting ways.

I left the orphanage and headed to the one room the manager had prepared for me. It looked so shabby, but I had no choice but to manage it, and it was far away from the orphanage.

The landlord welcomed me warmly, and one of the tenants offered to show me around the area. Thankfully, during the tour, I saw an employment banner in front of a coffee shop and decided to visit the shop the next day. I bought a few things with the four thousand naira left and my savings before I went back home.