We held Lincoln's funeral at Tondc and burned his body on a pyre like the one that they had used in the show after Finn's death. Afterwards, I found a quiet, sunny spot to sit down and heal myself while Indra watched over me. As we sat outside of the city walls, Lexa met with Kane, Abby, Clarke, Bellamy, and Raven in the underground station. I had been invited to join because they were discussing plans for renovating the bunker in Polis, but I declined politely, using my injuries as an excuse.
The truth, however, was that I was not in a place where I could handle it, and the lies that we had to keep telling. I knew that what I was doing was right, yet I could not help but question myself. Was living through this, and forcing other people to, really worth it for me to become a God or whatever? Was my existence in this place worth all of the suffering that everyone had to go through?
"If you were not a warrior and a leader... what would you be, Indra?" I asked as I opened my eyes.
"Dead," she replied simply.
I smirked, shaking my head, and retorted, "That's not quite what I meant."
"But it is. We are who we are, Octavia kom Skaikru. The choices we make shape us while the determination we have defines us. That 'Will' to never give up, to keep pushing on ahead despite the pain, and not surrendering to the doubt in your heart... that is what it means to be a warrior and leader. If you take that away, the Indra you know has died."
I sighed and looked out across the forest. "It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live," I quoted Marcus Aurelius, a roman emperor. "But what do you do when you are afraid to live?"
"You fight. When you are faced with fear and doubt, we all have only two options: surrender to it or fight it. We will make mistakes, people will die, but if you let that stop you, you might as well kill yourself now so that another can take your place in the bunker," Indra said as she tossed a knife to ground then walked away.
Sighing, I picked up the knife and laid it across my lap. I understood what Indra was trying to say, but I could not help questioning my personal strength. Could I really keep doing this? Deciding life and death for thousands of people? For the people that I cared about? Even if I made no mistakes, people could, and would, still die; that was just a part of life…
Two days later, a team of mostly engineers from Skaikru rode out with Lexa's troops and headed to Polis. Kane was leading the team, but Bellamy, Clarke, Finn, Raven, and Monty were also within the group. Kane, Raven, Monty, and even Clarke had obvious reasons for coming along, maybe Finn too because I had revealed the original Clarke-Lexa romance, but Bellamy was clearly here because of me, if not all five members of the original hundred.
I spent every evening sparring against Indra, under the watchful eyes of my friends. Although I was improving against her, my sessions only ended when I could not move, or Indra knocked me out, but due to my stubbornness alone. They were worried about me, and the fact that I barely spoke did not help matters. My mind was still a mess, and even I did not know if I could sort it out.
The city of Polis was something impressive in the world of 'The 100'. It was built on the ruins of Baltimore with a giant tower that had a massive bonfire atop it that could be seen from miles away. The streets were still mostly intact and littered with people. Stalls lined the edges of the road and harkers tried to draw people in.
Being a part of Lexa's entourage, the crowds parted and let us pass without anyone stopping us, but they all looked on with a mixture of curiosity and fear. I rode on horseback next to Lexa and I could hear the new names that I had been called pop up a few times. It was not surprising that people had already heard about me, but every time that I heard 'Natfaya', my skin crawled because the translation meant 'Night Fire'. Those flames of hatred that I had used to burn Emerson to death were now becoming what I was known for.
Lexa arranged rooms for everyone from Skaikru in the tower, but it was only myself, Kane, and Clarke that had rooms on the same floor as her. My room was quite beautiful, actually. The large, open windows allowed plenty of sunlight to stream in and then there were candles spread out all over. It was fully furnished with a living room that had reclaimed couches and chairs that had animal skins draped over them and a bedroom with a giant bed that had drapey fabric which hung down from the ceiling.
What killed the romance for me was the memory of the Clarke-Lexa scene and then later, the Abby-Kane scene. This all should have been set pieces for the show, but now I was staying in this room. Thankfully, the room was fully stocked with alcohol, so I happily grabbed a bottle and sat on the railing of the balcony, watching the sunset and listening to the 'Upbeat' playlist on my music player. It had been a long ride to get here, so I was not expecting any visitors once I settled in my room, but after an hour or so, someone knocked on my door.
"It's open," I called out behind me then turned my attention back to the dark city below.
The person walked in slowly, letting the door close behind them, and remarked, "Nice room."
I turned my head with surprise, hearing the voice; it was Raven. I placed the bottle aside and swung my legs onto the balcony. "Thanks... It's pretty much like I remember it, just with the addition of booze," I replied.
She looked annoyed by my remark and wandered around without saying anything. I sighed and pushed off the railing then walked into the living room.
"So, what brings you up here to the thirty-fourth floor?" I asked, stopping my music.
"We're going to the bunker under the temple tomorrow morning. Without the key, it would be hard for us to open it without damaging the rest of the temple, so Lexa and Kane want to see if you can unlock it or break it open like you did at Mount Weather," she replied, picking up a figurine off a shelf.
"Alright, I should be able to do something with enough time," I agreed, tossing myself onto the couch. "Anything else that you wanna say?"
"A lot!" Raven snapped, spinning on her heel. "What the hell do you think that you're doing? Getting your ass kicked every night accomplishes nothing."
"I'd like to think that I'm getting better," I chuckled since this afternoon I was just exhausted when I finally gave up.
"Yeah, well, I'm sick of watching it! If you want to keep doing it, I'm done," she threatened.
I sighed, sitting up straight, and asked, "What would you have me do? Do you think that if I just sit aside and let Kane and Lexa handle everything that this will all end peacefully? That they can decide between the thousands of people that live in these lands and pick those that survive without any kind of rebellion? I'll have to fight on the front lines at some point."
"We both know that has nothing to do with this."
I did not reply because I knew she was right. Raven, annoyed by my silence, started to storm off, but stopped as I explained honestly, "I'm scared... I'm not the same person who lived through all of this. I made one major change and Lincoln died months before he should have... What if the next one puts you, or the others, in the line of fire?"
Raven turned around slowly and walked over to me then sat down. "You wanna fuck someone else, or go brood on your own, that's fine... but I'm your friend, and whatever else you want to be... but that doesn't mean that I'm not going to sit aside while you beat yourself up over something that wasn't your fault."
I stared at her for a moment, stunned by her throwing my own words in my face. A tear fell from my eye as I leaned into her, resting my forehead where her neck and shoulder met, and whispered, "Why are you so nice to me?"
"Because," she said, running her fingers through my hair, "I'm a glutton for punishment."
I gave a real chuckle for the first time in days and sat up, saying, "You should be careful. I'm a magnet for it."
"And I'm not?"
I leaned back on the couch and replied, "I know I'm worrying you all, but honestly, I'm fine. Although it doesn't look like it, Indra actually does care about me, and she is controlling her attacks to not do too much damage. I just need to keep getting better as quickly as I can."
"That doesn't mean I'm just going to keep watching you get the crap beat out of you night after night," Raven said, and I could see the concern in her eyes.
I sat up slowly, without taking my eyes off hers. My heartrate quickened as I could feel that something had changed between us. I reached out and cupped her cheek before I kissed her passionately. Raven returned my kiss with no hesitation, wrapping her arms around my neck, as we fell backwards onto the couch. I pulled her on top of me and enjoyed the feeling of her body pressed against mine, but I also knew that I needed to stop this before either of us got really hurt.
"I can't, Raven. I don't want this to just be a one-night thing… I care about you and I can't lose you too when things get hard. If you leave me…" I said when we pulled apart.
She grabbed me by the chin, pulling me up to stare into her eyes, "When did I say that I was going to leave?"
I smiled back at her and then she leaned down, kissing me again. My hands snaked up her back and pressed her harder against me. Her hips rocked against mine and she placed a hand on my breasts. It did not matter if she was serious or not; I needed her tonight.
We started stripping clothes off of each other, and somehow, she managed to stay on top. She kissed her way down from neck and took one of my nipples into her mouth. I let out a hot sigh, arching my back, as one of her hands slipped lower.
Her fingers easily found my clit and she toyed with it, swirling her fingers around and around. I let out a loud moan, grinding my hips against her hand, but she had me pinned so I could only go at her pace. Far more than our first time together, she kept teasing me and teasing me despite my louder and more desperate moans until I could not take it anymore. I clawed into her back as I screamed out with my orgasm.
Raven moved back up to my lips and sealed them with her own. I buried my fingers in her hair, deepening our kiss, while my other hand guided her hips that were grinding against me. The feeling of her naked body was far more intoxicating than the alcohol that I had been drinking, and I just wanted more.
Carefully, I pushed her backwards and laid her out on the other end of the couch. I attacked her breasts first, licking and nipping at her nipples, which caused her to moan. I shifted down her body and knelt down on the ground. She gasped as my tongue invaded her wet folds and she grabbed me by my hair with one of her hands.
My tongue flicked up and down, each time drawing out another moan from Raven and slowly making her louder. She tasted sweet while I kept pushing her to higher levels of pleasure and the way she kept tugging at my hair told me that she was getting close. I locked my lips around her clit and swirled my tongue around and around until she screamed out with her release.
When she let go of my hair, I climbed up and squeezed myself between her and the back of the couch. My fingers traced up her toned abdomen while her chest heaved as she tried to catch her breath. This moment, as she looked up at me with a soft smile, would be a memory that I would carry with me for the rest of my immortal life.