'I want to run away.
None of them are my family, and the only saving grace I have is an imaginary soul mate I convinced myself into believing I was destined to belong to.
If I am to be stuck in this broken home, then what is the point of anything if I have nowhere to belong.
I hope that my delusions will one day become a reality, but I don't even know how to believe in them anymore.
If I just fall in love with the potential of my future wife once again, maybe my imagination will begin to naturally wonder to those preferences.
Better to have personal preferences than none at all.
Save me personification of home, save me grace incarnate, save me the one who chooses me to be the chosen one, save me my purpose, save me my Love, SAVE ME!'
I think this as I remain seated completely civil, screaming in my mind but emotionless as ever in my heart as well as my outward expressions.
Hidden episodes of yearning to yearn like these have been going on for years now, but I guess purgatory also has its benefits, since although the hope I have is exhaustive, it's at least what keeps me going, and I need to keep going if I want to experience even a second in my life one day that is 'perfect'.
…
As I click my pen and pay attention to the class lecture, I try to quiet my mind as usual even though I'll most likely fail as usual, and begin to contemplate at the same time as this sense of intention to not have any intention about what I could do to finally be capable of genuine yearning.
I go through the steps again in my head:
- In order to yearn I need to be able to notice the present moment happening TO me.
- Then after that I need to keep this observational state for long enough until it is my default state, and then I should be able to create personal and significant memories instead of just memorisations.
- In order to enter a state of observation, the ability to notice the present moment vividly, I must hyper-immerse myself into a grounded view-of-existence/diagnosis-of-reality instead of questioning everything that should be obvious to me.
- I need to have this view of existence align with my preferences for my ideal self and ideal world, otherwise my destiny will be in the hands of outside forces, such as ego builders and malevolence.
- In order to hyper-immerse myself into a grounded view of existence, I need to practice submission, in order to perceive the present moment in the same way a child or an amnesiac would, unburden by knowledge in order for the experience no matter how technically repetitive to be always New to me, as well as felt to be experienced as me being Alone WITH it as "it" happens TO me.
- In order to submit myself to the present moment whatever that moment may be, including the existential experiences that influence my view of existence such as the acknowledgment of a loving presence such as the potential of my future, I need to come face-to-face with an inspiration in order for me to fall INTO the passion, romantic or otherwise, in order for me to develop a personal, focused relationship that makes up a pillar for my view of existence, and by extension every time I am graced with an association that symbolises the vivid presence of the saving grace to me within the real world, I will be sentimental to the degree that I am triggered to drop all other ego related triggers (reactive associations), and thus am receptive to the present moment each time I encounter the spirit of my inspiration that I have passionately fallen into, no matter how many inspirations there may be.
- In order to come face-to-face with and actually fall INTO a genuine passion for an inspiration, indulging in potential interests and enjoying them to the best of my abilities TODAY is what needs to be actively engaged with.
- in order to increase the intensity of my enjoyment as I actively engage, as well as prolonging my attention span towards such things by decreasing distractions as a result, I must eliminate my limitations that hold me back from being able to appreciate what is infront of me, such as my lack of physical health.
- in order to begin working on my body and in turn become unshackled from my mind due to my active engagement with the present moment, I need to approach physical action from the pure approach that despite my lack of personal connection to the activity at the moment, just like my other possible interests I could develop I need to make an effort to actively engage with the present moment of specifically the moment of fitness activities, and learn to appreciate them just as any other I want to appreciate.
- then finally, beyond this edge of current self awareness, I should be able to discover the first hand experience of a hyper-immersive and grounded view of existence that can lead to significant memories and sentimental action.