"Why are you still awake?" My mom asked me as she came into my room at night, shutting the door behind her and leaning down to kiss my head. I'd been sitting outside the terrace of the room for about three hours, trying to figure out whether to keep Nick or surrender him to be done with it, but all of me wanted to be with him. And it was killing me, as if I were just using the accident from years ago to stay.
I should be thinking about William and no one else, but why?
"I couldn't sleep," I answered, shortly and coldly. I wasn't prepared yet for a mother-daughter talk. I didn't think I would ever be prepared.
I'm sorry about a while ago. What is bothering you?" She asked me, pulling up another chair beside me and taking my hand.
"You really want to know what's bothering me? Well first, there was you! Here, sitting beside me when my only memory of me was when you lied on the floor lifeless and I could not do anything but cry because I was young, and lastly, I never felt love since I was young, so I am having a hard time distinguishing what it is, or how should I feel it. You see, all my life, I only knew one feeling, and that is hatred, because of the unfortunate lives I was raised into," I told her truthfully.
"You know what, me too! Until now, I did not know what love was; I'm not sure how to love," she exhaled before leaning against the chair and looking ahead at the dark forest. "I thought I loved your father, but it turned out that each day, I hated him more and more. I got confused. But then, I had you. And I realized how love can be different from everyone. I hated you when you were born, but I do not hate you. I hated the life that awaited you, and I was so weak to think of anything to stop it from coming to you."
I could feel every ounce of sincerity in her words, her regrets, and her hopes. It was not helping at all; my heart just kept getting heavy.
"That is not helpful at all."
"I know," she said, taking a quick glance at me. When I was also staring at her, we ended up laughing.
"Look, I do not know what it is like to have a mother, so you can be my ally."
"Whatever you need, as long as you are comfortable!" My mother smiled and handed me some chips. "I have problems sleeping too, as I thought I would check you out, and I guess you too have a problem with sleeping too."
"Yes, since I was seventeen!"
"I'm sorry,"
"I'm fine!" I answered before munching on the chips to avoid any more awkward conversations.
"So, you like this, Nick?" she blurted out of nowhere, causing me to choke on the food, which I almost swallowed whole.
"Nick, that is... no," I said, blushing and stuttering frantically like I had committed a crime. "He's nice enough, but no, no!"
"Oh, okay, that makes sense." My mom sighed disappointedly. "It's just that you two seem so perfect for each other."
"Mother," I interrupted her quickly. "Don't even go there! You know I don't think I can love anyone right now! And even if I did, it's too late for me. I don't think anyone in their right mind would love someone like me who kills people as if it were nothing," I said sternly.
"I just thought he was nice,"
"He is, and I hate it! He should not be nice. He was the one who caused me an unfortunate life; if it wasn't for him, I could have lived a different life!"
"What do you mean?"
"He tried to kill me! So whatever you are thinking, just stop it. I was just taking my time for the perfect timing to get my revenge."
"Is he on your kill list?"
"No, this is my own agenda! Father is strict about keeping him alive, and I need to know more about why, so I have to keep him," I said as my voice kept getting low.
"Why is he being hunted down?"
"That's what I also wanted to know!"
"You know, Heureu, if you cannot be sure about something, there is that one golden rule we had, right? Find proof, and then you decide."
"I know!"
The next morning, I felt somehow composed, but an immediate frown settled over my face when I felt Cavin sleeping beside me. He was lying on his back with both his hands behind his head and his legs stretched out on the bed. His hair was messier than usual, and his lips were parted slightly, revealing his pinkish tongue. His body was close; his warmth and smell—everything made me uncomfortable.
"Wake up! Shithead!"
His eyes opened slowly, still half asleep. His hair stuck up in the back, as always, but the rest of his body seemed relaxed, and he looked pleasant despite that, especially in the light of dawn. He blinked a few times, as if still sleepy. Then he grinned and sat up.
"Good morning, gorgeous," he said softly and leaned forward, but I was quick to throw a good punch, plunging him back to sleep.
"There will only be one morning and never a good one!" I huffed before jumping off the bed. "Get up; we have a lot to do today!"
"I'm still hurt!"
"SHUT UP, CAVIN!"
"Yes, coming!"
After showering, we went down, and I saw Nick looking down and, unusually, not himself.
"I love the smell of freshly cooked breakfast!" Cavin broke the silence before grabbing me by the waist, as if he were sort of my boyfriend.
"STOP IT!" I quickly grabbed his hand and twisted it, making him surrender in pain immediately.
"HOT-HEAD!" Cavin snapped and proceeded to kiss Mom on her forehead.
I wished I could be like Cavin. He was carefree and brave to choose how he would live his life, unaffected by our status in life.
"I'm done!" Nick snapped up from his seat and stormed out of the kitchen area to the backyard.
What?
"What happened?" I asked my mother, but she only shrugged her shoulders and grinned. "WHAT?!"
"Well, man is not good at hiding his jealousy," Mom said, giggling.
"Jealous? That's impossible! His world only revolves around Ferine!"
I marched after him and caught him walking through the garden at the entrance of the forest. The ground was covered with dead grass and leaves, and the air smelled strongly of pine tree sap. There was not a cloud in the sky, and it was sunny but cold. I shivered and wrapped my arms around myself as I watched him pick a flower of some kind and twirl it between his fingers before crushing it and throwing it away in disgust. It was the perfect place to hide his rage. I watched him pacing back and forth until he stopped abruptly at a large rock. He was angry.
He turned around when he heard me approaching and glared at me with anger clear in his eyes.
"What?" I glared back at him.
"What are you planning now? I cannot be gone for long!"
"Really? Are you joking? It seemed that everyone wanted you gone for good!" I sounded sarcastic as much as I needed to convey my message clearly. "Don't try fooling yourself."
"That is not true!"
"It is! So, here's what I planned. You will stay here while I try to find a way to prove your innocence, but if I prove you guilty, I will surrender you and let them do what they wanted to!" I turned serious without breaking my cool as I stared at his eyes.
"I am innocent!" he demanded.
"We'll see that. But for now, while you stay here, you need to learn how to lessen your lameness. You see, I cannot be there all the time to save you, and you needed it when the time came that I had to finish you on my own."
"What? What are you talking about?" Nick's voice sounded strained in confusion and fear.
"Fight for yourself!" I yelled before attacking him.