I just couldn't take the pain anymore. The only relieve I had was taking those pills into my system, which i gradually became addicted to.
Getting back to school was worse than I imagine. I was more reserved, didn't speak a word; my ''used -to- be'' friends kept their distance. Dylan never came to apologize for his wrong, he just pretended he never knew me .
I cried every time I was alone, writing my heart out in scrambled papers.
"Drowning in sorrow
Drowning in darkness
Someone save me
For I'm loosing my breath
I'm lost in the dark
And I can't see the light
Deeper, deeper
I fall in the dark
The harder it is to see the light,
Drowning in sorrow
Drowning in darkness
someone save me
For I am loosing my breath.."
I fell into depression, knowing that moment it was all over for me .Looking at the mirror, I felt disgusted in myself. Unable to ignore the churning in my stomach when i remembered the blood mixed with the salty taste of Brandon's penis choking me.
I looked at my hands, feeling like a terrible person. I couldn't understand why Brandon had to torture me when I never wronged him. Couldn't understand his obsession towards me, I cried to the point my tear duct couldn't secret more tears.
I drank excessively much, hoping my body wouldn't be able to take it much longer. Drowning in more pills to numb myself . "At least I would die in peace without feeling any pain" i thought. Slowly my eyes got shut and that was the last thing I remembered.
*. *. *. *. *. *. *. *. *. *. *. *. *. *. *. *
Opening my eyes to a white room,I struggled to understand the muffled conversations echoing throughout the room. The sudden realization of being in a hospital nauseated me.
"why didn't I die? Why can't they just let me die in peace!" i cursed beneath my breath. Scanning vaguely around, i met my father's angry glare, enough to burn a hole in my hospital gown. Brandon was at his side, composing the best pity performance.
I didn't care less about his attitude. He had no idea what I was going through. The doctor came in and requested to be alone with me. He came close to examine me but I fidgeted as I crawled myself tight to the blanket. His expression was full of surprises but he pulled himself together and spoke calmly. "Anna, is there something bothering you?"
After a brief moment of silence, he continued, "it's okay if you feel like you can't confide in me but I'll refer you to a specialist". I didn't say a word while he added. "The drugs you took weakened your body system… it's a miracle you survived." I wished otherwise.
I stayed in the hospital for three weeks. Specifically instructing the nurses I didn't want to see Brandon anywhere near me .
After I was discharged, I didn't want to go home as I thought of several other options but none seemed possible. I couldn't run to my friends- they betrayed me. I couldn't run to Mum. I had no idea of her whereabouts and even if I knew; I wasn't sure if she'd accept me.
Walking into the house felt like going back into a dungeon. A mix of anger and fear washed over me as unanswered questions compounded my mind. "Why was I born into this world?… Why didn't Mom care about me? Was I so much of a burden to everyone?.
Weeks past and i burning for pills intensified. I felt itchy on my throat, pulled my legs together close to my chest on the couch as rage fueled my heart as to what I had become.
Out of desperation, I brought out a sharp knife I kept on my drawer for protecting myself from Brandon and slit through the veins in my wrist in an attempt to end it all. I cried so hard until my voice began to fade. My eyes went shut while I slipped to the ground .
*. *. *. *. *. *. *. *. *. *. *. *. *. *. *. *. *
Waking up to reality in a hospital bed and clothes was so frustrating!Damn!why was I even alive after all this? isn't my body tired of all this pain?" I kept asking myself rhetorical questions, not noticing the doctor walking through the entrance.
The doctor walked up to me to examine me as i directed my anger towards him. "Why did you save me !" He looked puzzled.
" I said why didn't you let me die? ".
He placed his hands inside his overall pocket, releasing a deep sigh."why do you not want to live?". To which I screamed in anger. "I can't take the pain no more…please let me die ...please!"I begged, unable to conceal my pent-up emotions much lunger. He called for the nurses while they put me to sleep- a little while away from my misery.
Six hour's gone and finally i opened my drowsy eyes to a doctor beside me. I frowned. "what do you want now?" earning a smile from her. "Hi Anna ,I'm doctor Elizabeth. I'm a psychologist and I'm here to help you .."
I looked at her puzzled. " so you also think I'm mad right? everyone thinks I'm crazy and I'm fed up with that bullsh*t ! you say you're here to help me right? Well can you take all of my pain away?" i screamed at her.
"Cant you just let me die in piece ?" After what felt like for ever, she responded calmly. "I don't know much about letting you die in peace ,but I do know I can help alleviate your pain...if only you'll let me help ."
I frowned." I don't trust you.." she paused, giving a half smile. "it's okay, trust isn't built all at once.. you'll learn to trust me soon enough.." After a brief moment she continued. "are you ready to revisit your past? "
All of a sudden my walls came crumbling. Loosing control of my emotions as my mind flashed back to my moments of pain ,I sobbed quietly.
Soon enough, Dad barged in fuming in anger. "How dare you try to murder yourself! Listen to me, young woman. You have no right to take your life you hear me ! Now you gonna make me pay for unnecessary hospital bills that shouldn't even be included. What do you think of yourself? After everything I've given you? You're such an ingrate!
His words caused me to spiral in all shades of rage. I could swear that was the first time I ever replied my father's words. I scoffed. "What have you ever given me Dad! Is it clothing? A house to live in? Or an education! You think that's all a child needs, right?. Have you ever even cared to hug me or speak to me to know what I was going through, Dad? No! ,all that mattered was you and Mom's foolish arguments every time."
My voice broke. "Not once did you remember my birthday! You missed out on all of my childhood. Do you have any idea how hard that is ! You were never there for me ..you're not a father ..you're just a selfish person! I was raped, dad! And it's all your and Mom's fault.
I sobbed, leaving him dumbfounded. He didn't have the guts to say nothing. "Leave me alone! Please..."I begged .
Looking at my dad walking quietly away I was furious at everyone including the planet for harboring me .
My mind brought my attention back to the therapist sited . I tried to pull myself together . "you don't have to be so strong always," she consoled. "I understand that you're hurting and have been through a lot. It's okay to express your pain and I'm here to support you. You can tell me anything, even if it means venting or yelling. I know you just want to be heard."
Oh, she got me! She was right. All I wanted was for someone to hear me out. i couldnt control my tears as she hugged me ..never thought crying could make me feel any better, but it did you know..it really did.
Finally, someone wanted to hear me out. I would at least not die in silence anymore. I cried because I had so much to say but didn't know where to start .I felt anxious at the thought of revisiting my past. Yet I desperately wanted to speak out.