Zena stood at the door for a minute catching her breath and peeking into the nursery. She thought her period was supposed to be over by now. It had been a week and not only was she still spotting she had this crippling cramp.
These people were rich rich, weren't they? How many people were looking after two little boys? She knew she should feel relieved but somehow she felt sad and insufficient. Those were her sons but other people breastfeed them and took care of them so did they even need her?
"What is the point of fighting to be by their side if they don't even need you Xian?" She whispered softly. "Why do you want to be here so badly?"
Why did that one statement out of all the bad things she heard about Xian trigger her so much? A bad mother, hmmm.
"Why are you just standing there? You must be so glad that other people are taking care of your children?" A sharp voice called from inside and Zena stepped out from behind the door and her gaze fell on this old woman who was glaring at her.
She was so frail and so small yet she made Zena feel naughty. Like she was a child being scolded.
"Why were you hiding and why in heaven's name are you just coming here three hours after the children arrived?!" She huffed and Zena's lips parted as she searched for the words to explain herself but Nanny Shu was not done.
"I understand that this is your first delivery but you have to do better! What kind of mother are you?!" The older woman yelled, slamming her cane on the floor. "Your sons keep crying who do you think they are crying for? Nurse Lin? Or Nurse Fe?"
"I-I don't know-" Zena stuttered.
"What do you mean you don't know? Did anyone else in this room carry these boys for nine months? Did they come out from anyone else's belly? I heard you fought to be by their side was that all for show?"
"No, I-"
"I will not take any insolence or levity from you, neither would Xavier nor Xander! They deserve a mother that would die for them, are you ready to die for your sons?!" She yelled and Zena nodded as a tear slipped out her eyes when both boys simultaneously started crying.
"I cannot hear you," Nanny Shu said and Zena cleared her throat.
"Yes, yes and I am sorry there is really no excuse I should be here. I will be here, they come first but I didn't think-"
"What?"
"I saw all of you in here and they were sleeping so soundly and it didn't seem like they needed me."
"Miss Xian!"
"Yes!"
"What child does not need his mother? Did you not need your mother growing up?"
"I did," she replied. 'But Xian didn't have a mother.' She thought bitterly.
"Then are you being stupid or selfish?" She asked and Zena swallowed hard. "They are going to receive their antibiotics now and a drip, the doctor will have a hard time searching for a vein so they will be crying for hours. Are you truly ready to be a mother?"
Zena nodded, wiping her cheeks with the back of her hand.
"Then step up and pick your kids, there are no longer sleeping and they need their mother, now more than ever."
It was horrid. As Nanny Shu said, they cried relentlessly and they wouldn't even suck. Zena's head was spinning as she could not help but cry when she saw how Xavier suffered while the doctor searched for his vein. She also had been crying for hours. The nurses did their best to help but Nanny Shu was insistent that Zena was the one to get to do most of the work. Holding them while they cried and when one was just getting comforted the other one would start crying again and out of frustration Zena would also start crying as well. It was hell for her, but eventually after hours, they settled. They removed the drips and as Xavier slept on one of her shoulders, the wet nurse finished feeding Xander and placed him beside Zena on the other shoulder.
'How dare I think I wouldn't need to do anything?' She thought bitterly. But the feeling was nice, the way their tiny stomach would rise and fall against her as they breathed. She pressed a soft kiss onto their forehead and let the rocking chair soothe all three of them.
That's when it hit her. Xerxes walked out of this room smiling, and in under two hours. She had been in here for over six and this was the first time she smiled. What exactly was he doing while he was here?
"It's late I will head over to my quarters now," Nanny Shu said. "Tomorrow you learn how to hold your babies properly, what kind of mother remains unprepared for nine months?"
Oh did I forget to mention? Zena had to go through all of that while Nanny Shu criticised her every step of the way.
"You can't hold him like that!"
"He is hungry, you should encourage him to eat not try to take him from the wet Nurse!"
"He still needs to be burped unless you don't want to sleep tonight!"
"Can't you see Xander is also crying?!"
"You should have learnt how to carry both of them at once by now! You were aware you carried twins!"
She watched the older woman walk away with relief and nodded as the doctor also took his leave. The wet nurses had a suite beside the nursery as well as the other nurse so eventually, everyone left her with the boys to go rest.
"To think they are paying those people to look after you guys," she whispered softly when they were alone. "My little princes, seems everyone hates your mom. Do you even want this kind of mother?"
'What child doesn't need his mother?' Nanny Shu's words echoed in her head.
"Do you guys really need me? Do babies even know who holds them at this stage?" She sighed. "My little princes, you two should love me. You should love this imperfect mother because if you don't, then what is the point of trying to live?" She whispered softly.
"I never thought I would crave just one kind stare or someone asking me if I am doing well. I guess I never really needed love until I experienced such hate," she sighed. "But your ears are too delicate to hear these, I know you know this voice. I cannot take responsibility of what you might have heard during the pregnancy but I will say this, I will say only sweet things to you two from now on. I will become a dragon to protect you and a soft unicorn to care for you. I promise if need be I will lay down my life for the two of you, do you know why? Because I am your mother, Xavier. This is your mother's scent, Xander. I will love you two no matter what, so don't be afraid of anything, mommy's got your back okay?"