If I thought the knot in my stomach was big before, it is huge now. Carson was the one who danced with May at the dance. Carson was the one who she was hanging out with now, not me. It's true, I wasn't as good-looking as Carson, not nearly as confident, but… But my feelings were so much truer. It wasn't fair, dammit! It just wasn't fair! She was about to kiss me, for God's sake. How could she drop me so easily, like I was nothing, and start hanging out with another guy like that?
He noted my silence and asked, "What about you? Are you still just boning the girl or have you got your eye on someone?"
I really didn't want to hear his voice right about now. "I'm not boning anyone." I said firmly.
"Aw, buddy." He said, with genuine sympathy. I suddenly hated how he called me buddy. I suddenly hated the sound of his voice. I wanted to go home. This was ten times worse than the Halloween dance. True, I didn't own May, but at the same time I also wasn't aware I meant just that little to her. I wanted to throw up.
Turning my anger towards the game, I resolved to annihilate Carson, which is just what I did. Despite barely knowing the controls for the game, I managed to kill his character in a duel match over and over. At first he was taking it easy on me, since I was a beginner, but before long he realized how badly he was losing and stepped up his game. Nevertheless, by the time the timed duel game was over, I had won by a ludicrous amount, something like 11-4.
"Dude…" he began, genuinely shocked. "Where the hell did that come from?" I shrugged. "I think you got something here, buddy! Maybe you can kick that girl's ass, you'll just have to play this game with her." He laughed, and despite not really wanting to, I joined in laughing with him.
"Well, that was fun. Hey, you like Marvel movies?" he asked, standing up with a lot of energy, moving upstairs. He added, "I swear, I have the biggest collection on the planet."
Ugh. I hated to admit this to myself. I genuinely hated it. Carson was a nice guy. He won fair and square, and tried as I might to find traits to make him an asshole in my mind, he was a good friend. The only thing that changed was he had a date with May. I could just try to make him seem like a jerk, make May try to break up with him, but then I'd be no better than that Craig guy he was talking about.
I needed to follow Nicole's advice, and shake it off. So May liked him. Maybe she won't like him forever, and if she does, I just need to be happy for her. Carson was a good catch, and I had to respect her decisions. For now, though, I had to get her out of my mind, and focus on my time hanging out with Carson.
Regaining my thought, I yelled up the stairs, "You could even say the biggest Marvel movie collection in the… universe."
His head popped up from behind the staircase banister. "Heyo!" He called with a smile on his face, then quickly disappeared again. I followed him up the stairs. I didn't even really like Marvel movies, but hey, I thought I didn't like video games either.
***
The first sticking snowfall happened the very next day, a Sunday. Now I was an indoors kind of guy, if my shyness and awkwardness wasn't enough of an indicator, but I loved the winter. It was the one time of year where I would go outside and just enjoy nature, often for hours at a time, much to the displeasure of my worrying mother.
On that Sunday morning, you couldn't even tell what time of day it was by looking at the sky. The sky was painted various shades of gray and light gray, peppered with little perfectly-fluffy snowflakes dancing their way down from the heavens. There was a light breeze – not too cold, not too breezy, just right. I inhaled and exhaled. God, I loved winter.
The ground was just the right amount of white. It was covered, but not too covered. I could walk easily, making little footprints as I did so, without it feeling like a chore. The brisk air had its own kind of smell which I just loved. As I walked down my driveway, I threw up my arms and took in the feeling. Winter was here.
As I neared the end of my driveway, a spot of black amidst the gray and white caught my eye, lingering in the foggy gray of the horizon. I turned to face the black and squinted. It was exiting the second house from mine, had long black hair, and was very underdressed for the weather. It was Nicole.
Odd, I thought, as I took out my phone. I didn't recall Nicole saying anything about going for a walk, and we've been texting all morning. She seemed her normal chipper self, just talking about how much she hated winter (something we frequently debated) and how she was content with staying indoors all weekend. I wonder, what changed?
It was probably because she was dressed only in a sweater at most, but Nicole looked different than she normally does. Maybe that's why she hated winter… Instead of her normal swagger, she had her shoulders caved in, her head down, her arms folded, and carried what looked like a single flower in her arms. She began to walk down the street, in the opposite direction of my house. She hadn't seen me.
It was easier to talk myself down from jealousy with her than with May, but I wondered if she was on some kind of date. Phil, maybe? A real flower certainly wasn't an easy thing to get a hold of in summer, especially where I lived.
I looked back to my phone, wondering if I should text her, but then remembered she told me everything. Whatever this was, I guess she thought it wasn't important that I know. I briefly considered just going back inside, leaving my curiosity to fester, but it was too late as I started walking to her.
It wasn't easy. As I mentioned, there was a slight breeze, and I was downwind of her. However, she looked uncomfortable. Cold. I mean, go figure, she should have at least worn a coat, especially in a snowfall like this. I tried to catch up to her so I could give her my coat. She sure needed it more than I did. However, for someone who appeared to be uncomfortable in the cold, she sure walked quickly, and seemed to match my pace no matter how fast I walked. Did she know I was behind her?
If she did, she wasn't letting anything on. As she kept walking further and further, it dawned on me how far we were from our houses. We were at least a good ten minutes away, and I just took it on blind faith that I would catch up. A part of my mind wanted me to turn back, to leave her be, and maybe just ask her later. However, I was nothing if not the curious type, and pressed on.
Nothing in this situation makes sense, I thought to myself. She could have taken the car, she should have worn a coat, it's the middle of a snowfall, she didn't tell me anything, and she had a flower. A multitude of possibilities brewed in my mind. I wondered if perhaps she was in a relationship, but her boyfriend didn't condone cheating, but she couldn't help herself…
No, that was absurd. Nicole didn't like to be tied down, she said that. Of course, that is what she would say if she was hiding something, isn't it… ? But she didn't seem like the type. Nor the type to go behind someone's back. Maybe there was more to her than what meets the eye? Well, of course there was, but still.
Nicole kept up her pace until she was practically on the ass end of town, then suddenly stopped. When she did, so did my heart. I don't know why, since I normally felt really comfortable around Nicole, but I suddenly felt really nervous. I don't know what came over me, but I hid behind a bush, just in time to see her whirl around.
She scanned the area for a few seconds, before she seemingly deduced no one was around and turned back, then turning sharply left, more determined in her walk. I slowly got up and followed her, just to see her enter a gated area. I didn't recognize this part of town, and the sudden fog forming around this part of town was preventing me from identifying the gated area. I kept my distance from her. Whatever this was, my nervousness now turned to worry, for her. If she was meeting a guy, a gated area this sketchy was not the proper way to do it. She was going to end up hurt. I could just feel it.
As I entered the gated area myself, I looked around for clues. Unfortunately, the snowfall hit this place first and all I saw was snow and more snow. I kept my distance, following her, still searching for something that could identify this place when I found it. In the snow, sticking straight up, was a gray block. I reached forward and dusted it off, making sure not to make too much noise. As I dusted it off, it dawned on me where I was. The gray block was stone, cold, and very grave. As a matter of fact, it WAS a grave.
We were in a graveyard. I didn't know what to think. A boy was meeting her in a graveyard? That couldn't be it… As I saw that she was leaving my vision, I made sure to keep up, not willing to let her out of my sight at this point.
Okay, so she wasn't seeing a boy. But the only other reason she would come to a graveyard with a flower was… Oh no. Oh God, no. That wasn't it. That couldn't be it. Right? Couldn't be.
On cue, Nicole stopped dead in her tracks in front of one particular grave, and reached forward. With her bare hand, she dusted the epitaph, wiping the snow away from her hand right after, and got on her knees.
"Hey." she managed, in a quiet voice. I swear, I couldn't recognize her voice. It was shaky and lacked all of her confidence, all of her boldness, any bit of Nicole I could find. She reached up and petted the tombstone a few more times, before she burst out crying.