He woke sooner than he normally did, due to a loud clattering outside his door. He contemplated just staying in bed and maybe falling back to sleep but decided he was already too alert to. He pushed a smile on his face in the hope it'll start the day off a bit better. Changing into his daywear, he pays attention to the soft fabric sliding on his skin. In his experience, focusing on small sensations gives a focus that calms the mind.
His Name is irrelevant, he could be anyone in this or any world.
He does not want his name included, but for readability, we need a title to call him by.
He will now be referred to as " Ala'wud" or the one chasing clarity.
He goes to the kitchen to prepare some breakfast. He stops in his tracks and heads back to his room; He forgot to grab his journal. The journal has a dry brown leather cover and thick parchment pages. His family held considerable wealth so paying for his rather expensive writing habit was no issue. he grabbed a piece of bread and fruit, sat down, and wrote while eating.
" With dry eyes and a heavy head; I woke. The more I wake, the more I feel there's something wrong. something in the back of my soul screaming at me to realize. Yet, for the life of me, I cannot hear its words. I am tired, yet there's an energy, a restlessness that compels me to move."
As he looked up to think of how to word his following line his eyes fell upon his beautiful home. He lived in a very large building, with high ceilings, delicate decorations, and expensive rugs. His family consists of earth mages who have made a fortune from constructing barracks, palaces, and moats. He changed the direction of his focus to his sister who looked to have just woken up. She walked slowly as if half dead, accentuated by the heavy bags under their dazed eyes. She looked unhappy. This is a normal sight, but for some reason it made something click inside Ala'wud.
" Even with nothing to suffer over, people still do. Why do those who have much still suffer? Why do those who have enough want more? What does the external do that the internal does not? and...how do I answer my own questions?"
He sat dazed trying to understand how he felt. He now knows he knows less than he thought he did. A very strange and exciting revelation. He finds no immediate answer that satisfies him as he eats. He finishes his breakfast and then gets up to go talk to his father. He has too many questions and needs guidance.
With trepidation, confusion, and excitement he approaches his father's room. He is nervous as his father, who is typically rather affectionate, is irritable in the mornings and often snaps in annoyance. Knowing this he hesitated before entering, but he had to ask. so he walked through the door frame and called for his father.
"FATHER!"
"WHAT ?" his father responded, while walking out from his closet and putting on a mute yellow shirt
"Sorry for yelling Father, but I have to ask you a question that eats at me" -Ala'wud
"What is it boy", his father said with half-closed, irritated eyes.
he pauses to word it properly, then asks "Why do we live? what's the purpose of doing what we do?"
" What nonsense are you asking boy, you had me concerned for a moment" - father
"Father please, I need direction" -Ala'wud
dramatic sigh* " Boy, the reason to live is to be happy. we work to buy things that make us happy. We love others to make ourselves happy. Everything we do is out of the pursuit of joy. this should be obvious. Now leave me to be alone" His father said while shooing away with his hand
"yes Father", he said, walking away more confused than before. He understands what his father said, and could deny it makes some sense, but it still felt off. If you live solely to be happy, are all other experiences than happiness meaningless? Do all other emotions exist to buffer between moments of joy, and have no value? Are those moments solely for contrast? He didn't believe so. To him, it makes more sense for all experiences, emotions, and sensations to have the same value. he opened his journal once again.
" Do I want to always be happy? If that was a real option then maybe, but it is not. The next natural decision would be to be happy with all the other emotions I feel. Happy isn't the right word. Appreciation maybe? Appreciating all sensations: pain, boredom, longing, anger, sadness, defeat, hopelessness, and all like them, would allow me to appreciate living more than I do now. How would I approach such a life? Would the life I lead now allow me to experience all that's necessary to grow in this fashion?"
He never had the want to experience anything but happiness and wanted to adapt his mind to the idea he just thought of. While he entertained the idea of a lifestyle change, his life is the same as it was before. He has a draw to routine and consistent pleasure that hadn't evaporated the moment his worldview changed. There is no real motivation besides the itching in his mind for change. To make a decision on a whim to change your life to follow some new, unexplored ideology would be foolish. As a 15-year-old male, he is prone to impulsive thoughts and is self-aware enough to now follow through with each that pops up.
" No matter what I do, I live a life of luxury and pleasure. my family would not allow me to suffer on purpose to learn to appreciate suffering. They would not watch me starve to appreciate both eating and starving. they would not allow me to be silent to appreciate company and solitude. They love me and want what they see as best for me. I love my family dearly and don't want to burden them either. For now, all I can do is think."
For the next few weeks, he would think almost exclusively about why he does what he does, where his views come from, and if there are any alternatives. There was no major external change in his behavior. He would ask more questions to his family around him about what they think the point to living is, and why they think that way. The older people tended to answer the point of life is love, happiness, family, and legacy. Though his strange aunt answered "The colors of the sunset and the breath in my lungs". Those around his age tended to answer very similarly to their parents. Few mentioned magic and god as secondaries, which are widely accepted to be the same thing. When he asked why people value happiness, love, and family, they all answered something around " because it makes me feel best".
He didn't doubt the wisdom of those older than him, as they have lived much more than he. He did however believe it is unlikely they had thought of every possible life and know what is objectively best.
Months passed, Ala'wud studied magic, went to assist his family building, and continued searching for an answer that would satisfy him. His work with his family allowed him to talk to nobles and learned men and women who could afford to dedicate their lives to philosophy. They answered with minimal effort and tended to explain the same thing that others did, just with fancier words and longer sentences. They didn't take the questions of a child seriously, as though his family was rich, they held no status and were seen as under those who did. Mages who focused on construction weren't common, but they weren't too rare either. Mages tend to learn battle magic to gain land through conquest and war on behalf of a kingdom they pledge alliance to. Magic was very lucrative to those willing to risk their lives. Once a mage decided to do magic for one purpose, they couldn't change their minds and chose another. Magic had its rules that cannot be broken, choosing between creation or destruction was one of the main ones.
Ala'wud was born into a family of mages who chose to create. He learned to create with earth magic and water magic to carry on his family's legacy. He learned much less about water magic as learning two elements is immensely difficult, and the only use for water magic was to have something to drink. There is a big market for water as they live in the desert, but that market has been cornered off and monopolized by very large and well-established families with power rivaling the palaces. Trying to enter that market would be a provocation that would certainly lead to violence.