I can hear the noise outside from inside here, I don't know why I feel this way. In the first place, I shouldn't be hurting; I should be happy because I made her happy, right? Then why do I suddenly feel this way?
Why her? Why that young person? Why does my cousin like her too? My friend also likes her. Damn, so many people like her.
I immediately heard footsteps coming in my direction, but I remained silent, slouched over the table in my room.
"Why did you run?" She asked.
How I wish I could easily tell her directly, but damn, I really miss her hugs, lips, and her. My stupid self, it's your fault for prolonging these feelings. Now that you hurt her, she's treating you exactly how you said she would.
I didn't say a word and let her sit beside me. I already knew it was her by the sound of the chair.
"Tell me, why did you run? And leave your cousin's birthday party?" she asked again, with a mix of concern and tenderness in her tone.
Just a little more, just a little, and I'll come back to you again. But I don't want to; I don't want to hurt my friend and cousin. Should I stop? Should I let one of them win you? While I suffer and wish that someday I'll be the one you choose.
But I can't do it because I'm scared once again. Why out of so many people who like you, why are those close to me involved?
"Leave..." all I said.
But she remained silent, and the only sound we heard was the music from outside in the room. It was dark, and the only light came from the moon reflecting on the mirror in my room.
I could hear her breath, but I was still buried in my thoughts, leaning on the table in front of us. Should I be thankful? Because she followed me. But why is there a mix of pain and sadness in my happiness? I let go of it, but she keeps coming back to me, despite all the pain I've given her.
Should I do the same? Be selfless rather than selfish? I've already given all of me to my friends and cousin. Maybe this time I should prioritize myself. I deserve to be happy too; I don't want to hide in their shadows. I want them to see me and appreciate who I am. But I still remain invisible to them, unnoticed.
Why so many people, why me? Don't I deserve to be loved? She was the one making me feel wanted, but should I give her to someone else? Should I try to win her? But what about the feelings of my friend and cousin? Fear leads me.
"I don't know your reason for pushing me away when all I want is to stay with you." I can feel the betrayal in her voice.
The weight of the situation and emotions I was feeling became unbearable, and I found myself at a loss for words. It was as if the universe was conspiring against me, making it impossible to express my true feelings without hurting someone else in the process.
As the night wore on, the atmosphere in the room became more suffocating. I felt trapped in a web of conflicting emotions and desires, unsure of what path to take. It seemed like I was constantly walking on eggshells, trying to please everyone around me while ignoring my own feelings.
It looks like she has also had a few drinks, judging by her boldness tonight.
This kid, she can make me feel what she feels. And it hurts to hear her begging me to stay when I don't even know why she wants me to stay.
"I-I love you and its not all about like now... But it seems I'm already too late, because before I could confess what my heart wants, you already pushed me away. Without giving me any reason." I heard her sob. "And, perhaps... that's the exact reason to stop? there's nothing wrong with accepting rejection."
I immediately looked up, and I felt crushed when I saw how sweetly she smiled at me. She stood up, wiped her tears, and prepared to leave, as if she had already accepted her fate.
"S-stay..." all I said, and she nodded her head and sat one meter away from me.
It felt like witnessing a hundred knives stabbing me. She's obeying what I said, she did. She looked down, like a meek lamb.
"One word from you, and I'll do it right away. You have so much power over me, and always dominating me." she said and giggled.
How I wish that laugh was genuine, but it's not, and it hurts to hear that. I'm such a fool. I quickly wiped my tears when I saw her look up. But before I could say anything, my cousin walked in.
"Why did you leave me there, love?"
My cousin from the outside asked her, but she remained on her position. Staring deeply on my soul. And i can't do anything but painfully smiled at her.
"We will leave hon..."
I could feel my heart sinking as my cousin approached, and I knew that the moment had passed. The girl I liked had now become someone else's, and I had no one to blame but myself. I watched as they exchanged affectionate glances and knew that I had missed my chance.
As the night went on, I couldn't help but feel a deep sense of regret. I had let fear and uncertainty control my actions, and now I had lost the one person who made me feel alive. It was as if a cloud of darkness had enveloped me, and I couldn't see a way out of it.
I spent the next few days in a haze, unable to shake off the feeling of emptiness inside me. I tried to distract myself with friends and family, but it was clear that something was missing. I had pushed away the one person who had seen through my walls and had still chosen to stay by my side.
"I hope you choose the right path." I cried again because of the hint of blaming myself why i did that.
As time went on, I couldn't help but wonder what could have been if I had been brave enough to confess my feelings. Would she have chosen me over my cousin and friend? Or was I just fooling myself into thinking that she could ever feel the same way about me?
"I always choose the right path... and you are not the path i want to choose." I coldly utter even though my heart already breaking in pieces because of tears in her eyes.
I tried to bury my feelings deep down, hoping that they would eventually fade away, but they only seemed to grow stronger. It was as if the more I tried to forget her, the more she consumed my thoughts.
I found myself seeking solace in writing, pouring my heart out onto paper in an attempt to make sense of my emotions. But no matter how many pages I filled, I couldn't escape the truth - I am inlove with her.
As we sat across from each other, I could see the pain in her eyes, and it broke my heart to know that I had caused it.
"How i wish i can teach my heart not to love you. Ang sakit mo mahalin, pero ang hirap mo bitawan." She explained, but my mixed signals and constant push and pull had left her feeling confused and hurt. "I'm hoping to all the care and sweet signals you give... but guess what, i am just hurting myself. Ikaw yung sumagip at nagpalaya sakin eh, pero ikaw din ang nagkulong sakin."
In that moment, I realized how selfish I had been. I had been so consumed by my own fears and insecurities that I hadn't stopped to consider how my actions were affecting her. I had let my fear of rejection control me, and in the process, I had hurt someone who meant the world to me.
As we talked, I could feel the walls around my heart starting to crumble. I knew that I couldn't keep running away from my feelings and hiding behind my fears. If I wanted to be truly happy, I had to learn to let go of the past and embrace the possibility of a future with her.
It wasn't going to be easy, but I was determined to change. I had to learn to be honest with myself and with her, to let go of my fears and insecurities, and to embrace the vulnerability that comes with being in love. But I'm still coward, i still don't want to put myself on her world. But why my heart really wanted to enter her struggles now?
From that moment on, I made a promise to myself that I would be brave enough to fight for what I wanted. I would no longer let fear hold me back from happiness, and I would do whatever it took to win her heart. If selfishness it took, i will risk just to be with her.
It wasn't going to be a smooth journey, and there would undoubtedly be obstacles along the way. But for the first time in a long time, I felt a glimmer of hope - hope that maybe, just maybe, things could work out in the end.
And so, with a newfound determination in my heart, I set out on a journey of self-discovery and growth. I knew that I had a lot of work ahead of me, but I was willing to do whatever it took to make things right.
As I took that first step towards change, I couldn't help but sadly smile. For the first time in a long time, I felt a sense of peace and excitement for the future. No matter what happened, I knew that I was finally on the path to finding happiness and love, and that was all that mattered. But the peace i am willing to risk is on someone's hand. But i will love i am willing to put my self in thorns and fight the paradigm that had a missing piece when it shuttered. And you are the missing.
Life was never meant to be easy, and love could be a rollercoaster of emotions. But I was ready to embrace it all? – do the ups, the downs, and everything in between. I had learned that I deserved to be loved just as much as anyone else, and I was no longer willing to settle for anything less.
I am shuttered for a long time, staying my self in the paradigm and no one knows what i had been do all of my existence. I was afraid to attached on someone, i don't want them to walk in my walls. But the one person just did. But i not let her. And i am the one who shuttered the paradigm of my own.