The sound of water filled my head and flooded my ears as I sank to the bottom.
What did I do to deserve to die today?
Was it my existence?
My innocence?
Did I not give enough?
Even if I searched every word I'd ever spoken, would I be able to find a reason? My vision was now blurry as the blue water engulfed my senses. Sunshine poured down on me.
Sunshine.
Just like he said to me every morning: "Good morning, Sunshine."
Sunshine.
Sunshine was dying.
----
8:30
August 21st
My alarm clock pulled me out of sleep.
The day felt melancholy. I was excited to meet new people and experience new things, but the mood was bitter. Bitter in the sense that it felt like a new start wasn't deserved. I was guilty for feeling happy, so that happiness soured; the soured happiness turned bitter.
But I was overthinking it.
That's what he wanted anyway.
After putting on my uniform, I left for the campus where new students were roaming, talking, and exploring.
I was alone; I didn't know anyone. This time, I had nobody to hide behind and it felt suffocating.
Suddenly, I was shoved to the side sharply by a group of sporty-looking boys. One of them turned to look at me.
"I'm sorry. Are you okay?"
"Mhm," I responded.
"You shouldn't stand still in the middle of the walkway. People aren't always going to be nice, you know." He put his hand on my head, to which I recoiled. He looked shocked by my sudden reaction, then concerned.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Did I hurt you? Are you okay?"
As he moved closer, I felt my heart stop. Fear gripped me so tight I couldn't breathe. I couldn't see anything except him in front of me, slowly approaching. I wanted to disappear and run as fast as I could away from him, but fear paralyzed me.
I felt tears run down my cheek.
"Do you need to see the nurse? I can call someone."
"No, no. I'm fine," I choked out. The emotions I couldn't control flowed out in a mess I didn't understand. They came without warning like my body reacted before I even began to comprehend the situation.
I walked away as quickly as I could, not looking back, feeling eyes on me as I tried to find anywhere I wouldn't be seen. Subconsciously, I found a dimly lit spot by a janitor's closet where I was hidden from the sight of people passing by. Curling up into the tightest ball possible, I finally felt secure enough to steady my breath. I blocked my side that wasn't against a wall with my backpack, creating a smaller space for me to calm down. A few minutes passed as I idly sat, staring at the wall across from me when I heard someone approaching.
"Are you okay?" I looked up to see the same boy standing cautiously away from me.
"Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay now." I responded.
"Good," he sighed, "That's good. Why are you sitting down there?" He sat down where he stood and put his back against the wall.
"It's a cozy spot. It feels safe."
"Am I making you feel unsafe right now? I will leave if you want me to."
"Would you really go? I mean, if I said I wanted you to."
"Of course."
"Okay then. Can you go back into the hallway? So I can get out. I still need to register."
He laughed.
Getting up, he slowly backed into the hallway and away from me.
I made sure to keep my eye on him while leaving, watching and waiting for him to move, but he didn't. He let me leave with a smile on his face.
As I registered, I could still feel people staring at me. Each one whispered to the person beside them while stealing looks at me. I ignored it, walking away and toward the various club booths that lined the front campus.
Art, Chess, Chemistry, Cheerleading, Volleyball, Theatre, etc. I walked to the end, not seeing any club I was interested in.
Maybe I was interested in some of them, but the fear of joining outweighed any curiosity I had. People around me stopped to look at clubs and then continued walking as I sat on a bench under a tree nearby.
"So, what club are you thinking of?"
I just about pissed myself as a voice came from behind me. There was a girl with medium-length brown hair, standing and looking at me.
"Freshmen have to join a club, you do know that?" She circled the bench and sat down next to me.
"Oh, I wasn't really interested in any of them. Do I really have to? Why?" The thought of having to join a club made my heart drop again.
"You don't have to rush it. I can show you around some clubs right now! Come."
She grabbed my hand tightly and smiled before dragging me alongside her into the building. As we walked, I quickly grew comfortable with her energy. She was like an older sister; caring, reliable, and attentive. One of those people that no one could hate and the number of people who said "Hello" to her with a smile seemed to prove that. By the time we had seen most of the club rooms, it was as if we had known each other for years.
"Let's go get lunch. I'll show you where the dining hall is." I followed her gladly as I hadn't eaten breakfast that morning. We sat down together and began to discuss clubs again.
"You seemed pretty interested in some clubs. Why did you say you weren't? Your eyes lit up when you saw the cooking club. Do you like cooking?" I nodded.
"I've been cooking since I was a kid. I don't do it a lot though because nobody ever wants to eat any of it," I laughed.
"Well, that's good because I love to eat," she smiled, "I'm sure that your cooking is delicious."
"I don't even eat it. Not that it's bad or anything, I've just eaten too much." The girl looked around.
"Hey! I met two freshmen this morning and invited them to eat. Is it ok that they come over?" I paused for a minute, then hesitantly said yes.
She waved to a girl and a boy excitedly until they walked over and took a seat.
"Okay, everyone! Let's introduce ourselves," She started, "You all know me already, but I'm Olive, a third-year Theatre arts major. Ok, ok, you next." Olive eagerly looked at the girl who had just sat down.
"I'm Sana. I'm a first-year STEM major. Nice to meet you."
"Yeah! Women in STEM!" Olive said entirely too loud, prompting Sana and the boy to burst into laughter. The boy spoke next.
"I'm Lin. I'm a first-year Agriculture major and Sana's childhood friend."
"Ohh, we got childhood buddies I see," Olive said with a smirk.
"I'm going to hit you as hard as I possibly can."
"Violent! You're a boy! That's! Sowrongofyoutosay!"
"You piss me off, you know that? Also, stop talking like that, people are going to think you've finally lost your fucking mind." My jaw dropped and Olive must have seen the disbelief on my face.
"Lin is my little brother, so don't be alarmed," Olive smiled mischievously. "Your turn!"
"I'm Lyke," I started, "It's a weird name, I know, but you can also call me Key. Easier to remember. Oh, and I'm a music major."
"Wait. Lyke is such a cool name, What the hell?" Sana said, causing Lin to elbow her, then Olive smacked Lin.
"What was that for? I was telling her not to talk to people like that..." Lin sulked.
"Violence isn't the answer."
"But-?"
"Shhhh," Olive put her finger on her lips and smirked.
"Oh yeah. You lied to me! You said you just met them this morning," I said, confused.
"Oh, yeah. I guess I did say that. Well, I did meet them, just not for the first time." I sighed.
Finishing up our food, Olive and Lin left, leaving Sana and I. Coincidentally, we both were thinking about joining the cooking club, so we went together to sign up.
"I'm sorry Olive was acting like that. She's excited, she doesn't always act so spastic. She's very gentle and wise," Sana said, smiling at me.
"She seems very nice, like an older sister. Someone you feel safe around, you know?"
"I understand that. That's what it was like when I first met her. Enthusiastic but gentle, outgoing but not overbearing. She's perfect." Sana smiled again and I smiled back.
"Here's the club. Right here," I said, pointing to a pair of doors.
"Welcome!-" An older girl started talking but cut herself off when she looked up and saw us.
"Uh, welcome. Are you here to sign up?"
We both nodded and the girl looked at me, disgusted. "I'm afraid we only have one more spot available here. How about you take it?" She looked at Sana, holding a pen out for her to take.
"I-" Sana started but I cut her off.
"It's fine! I don't think I'm very good anyways. I'll find a new club." It was made obvious to me that I was not welcomed, but I had no idea why. I waved to Sana and slowly left the room in thought.
Wandering around the hallways, the sound of sneakers squeaking on a gym floor and a basketball dribbling rang out. I had played Basketball when I was a kid but was never one to like sports despite being good at them. As I approached the door, the basketball that had been dribbling rolled towards me, slowly bouncing. Stepping in to pass back the ball, I heard a group of familiar voices.
"Hey. Aren't you that kid from earlier?" One of the boys from the group I saw that morning turned to whisper to his friend. "Isn't that the kid from earlier?"
"Yeah. Yeah, I guess it is. Hey. You made Rain miss the club meeting this morning."
"How is that my fault," I murmured under my breath.
"Can you play? Basketball, I mean." The boy asked.
"I don't play anymore. I'm not good at it."
"Show us. You came here to sign up, right? So what are you waiting for?" He tossed a ball into my chest.
"I was just passing by. I wasn't looking to sign up." I said. I was looking for exactly the opposite; to get as far from the basketball club as possible.
"Come on now," the tallest of the three put his arm around me, bending down slightly to whisper in my ear, "I know you came to see him." I could feel his breath on my neck as he laughed quietly. "Why don't you play with us a little bit," he said.
I didn't want to, but the words couldn't form in my mouth. His presence by my shoulder left my mind blank and I wanted nothing more than for him to leave.
"I..." I started to say but the boy whispered in my ear again. "You don't want a secret to slip out, do you?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," I responded with my chest tight with sharp breaths. I didn't know what 'secret' he was threatening me with, but I didn't want to find out.
"Quickly. Let's play quickly."
"Good decision." The boy stood up with a smile and walked onto the court.
Numb.
That's how I felt as the boys circled me, staring like a pack of hyenas at the ball in my hand. Making my first move, I was hit sharply with an illegal screen which knocked the wind right out of me.
"Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I got pushed into you, I'm so sorry."
When I looked up, it was the same boy that had whispered to me.
Just give him what he wants so it will be over.
Despite being outnumbered and out-sized, I was outscoring them. Feint left, go right. I never missed a shot. Their brains didn't seem to be connected in their head. After a while, they were getting angrier and angrier by the minute but I couldn't find a way out. No matter how much I let them score, they still had the same angry dejected looks.
Except for the tallest.
He looked angry, but it didn't seem like it was because of the game. No. His anger went above and beyond the emotions of the game. He stopped to look at me.
"I thought you said you weren't good? Were you just trying to be humble, you brat? Do you think people will like you because of that?" His voice gradually grew louder and he slowly moved towards me. "Let me tell you something. Nobody will ever like you. You are nothing. You are worthless. You don't mean anything to anyone. Find another corner and die in it."
"Jay, stop it." I heard one of the boys on the side say, scared. The tallest had come close enough that he was now directly in my face.
"He will never like you, so do us a favor and die. Maybe someone will notice your existence then. I wonder if anyone would cry for you. Worthless kid." He shoved me backward.
Silence.
"Why the fuck are you just standing there? Are you even listening to me? Do you think you can ignore me?" He pushed me back again. "Do you think I'm someone you can ignore? Do you think you have the right?' His voice rose again. "Say something God dammit!"
I was staring at the ground when the sound of one of the sideline chairs being picked up snapped me back to reality. It was only a second, but I managed to absorb some of the impact with my forearm. The sound of the chair hitting me rang out as I fell to the floor. The other two boys grabbed onto the tallest, but strangely, he was no longer looking at me. I vaguely heard the voice of the boy from that morning, yelling as I lay in a heap.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" He said.
"Rain, it's not what it looks like-"
Before I realized it, I was running out of the doors and into the night.
----
*Beep beep beep*
8:30
I was awoken again by my alarm clock.
It was a new day, the first day of my classes and my stomach churned in excitement once again. I couldn't wait to meet my professors and people who had the same passion for music as I did. My head hurt but excitement filled my mind and I slowly forgot the pain as I walked to the campus.
"Hey!" Olive was waiting at the front of the campus with both Sana and Lin, smiling ear to ear.
"Good morning," I said back, "How are you guys?"
"Well," Lin started, "I heard a basketball player got suspended last night for attacking someone. He should have been expelled but his dad's got money."
"Will you stop that?" Sana shoved Lin roughly.
"What, it's just campus news. Whether you hear it from me or you hear it from someone else," he shrugged.
"Anyways, what times are your first classes? You should find them beforehand so you aren't late," I recommend.
"My first class is 9:30," Said Sana.
"9 for me," replied Lin.
"Dude that's in 15 minutes."
"Oh shit, where is this?" Lin shoved his schedule in Olive's face, pointing impatiently.
She sighed loudly. "I'll walk you over but next time get here earlier, you know? Maybe not 20 minutes before so you can find it?"
"Roger," said Lin, saluting with a fake serious face.
"Okay okay, you two go, I'm going to find mine now!" Sana waved at Olive, Lin and I before walking away excitedly.
"Can you find your class alright, Lyke? If I don't walk him to his class, he won't arrive, so I can't walk with you." Olive pointed out, "The music department is over that way, by the sports facilities."
"Thank you! You should go now, you have...." I looked at my watch, "10 minutes."
"Let's go let's go," Lin pleaded and started walking.
"Wrong way."
"Knew that."
I laughed as Lin had to be guided by Olive. He looked like an excited puppy about to explode and Olive looked like the stressed owner on her last straw.
I arrived at my class on time to hear the professor's rules and expectations which I sat through excitedly. Before I knew it, it was lunchtime. Going to the dining hall, I quickly grabbed food and sat down with Olive, Sana, and Lin once again.
"How did things go?" I asked impatiently.
"I hate it already," Lin said slamming his head on the table.
"You hate it because you have to actually wake up to make it to class," nagged Olive, "you didn't even get there on time to hear everything."
"He'll get used to it," Sana chimed, "I, for one, had a great time. How about you Lyke?"
"Just a bunch of talking but you know what? I'm finally going to study music, so anything that my professor says is exciting. In short terms, probably should have been boring but it wasn't for me."
"You know you could have said that the first time instead of confusing me," Lin said lifting his head from the table. "Anyways, the guy who got suspended is in my major. Everyone was talking about it, apparently-" Olive and Sana both suddenly smacked him on the back of the head.
"What was that for?" They both stared at him with deadly gazes like they were about to skin him alive.
"Ok stop looking at me, I understand." He pouted and began to eat.
As I rolled up my sleeve, I saw a large bruise on my forearm from where I had been struck.
"What's that? What happened?" Lin questioned immediately.
"Oh my god," followed Olive, "What happened to your arm? Is it broken?"
"Jesus Christ, Lyke. You need to go to the doctor for that or something," Sana topped off the questioning.
"Oh. That? I must have hit it on something. I'm clumsy," I smiled, pretending to not know where the concerning bruise had come from.
Olive looked the most concerned. "You don't remember how you got it?"
"Uh, no. It happens all the time! I heal nice and quick."
Olive suddenly pulled out her phone and texted someone.
"Let me see your arm," Sana said as she pulled it closer, "There's no way you don't remember something like that happening." She reached out to feel my head. "Did you hit your head? Here, follow my finger."
Sana stuck her finger out and I followed it with my eyes, at least I thought I did.
"Wow," she said putting her finger down, "you can't follow worth a shit." Lin hit her again,
"You. can't. talk. to. people. like. that."
"I'm telling the truth! A fish could tell that he has a concussion! Does your head hurt? Do you feel sick? It's a dark day but any sensitivity to light?"
I thought about my response.
"My head does hurt a little bit and I don't think the lights are too bad."
"You don't think? Alright, go to the nurse. Up! Come on." Sana stood grabbing my arm which sent a lightning bolt of pain up my arm.
"Oh my god, I'm so sorry."
"Sit down Sana. I texted someone to come get him." I was puzzled.
"Who?" Lin asked first.
"God, that's the first thing you care about? I texted a friend. You'll see."
"Ok. But anyway, spill the beans dude. What happened? You can't not remember something like that."
"I was playing basketball and I fell," I lied. Before I could go back to correct myself, Lin connected the dots.
"What did he do to you?" Lin suddenly got serious.
"It's already happened and done with. It's nothing to get worked up about."
"Lyke," said Olive, "it's okay to tell us. And it still matters even though it's already happened. Don't disregard it as nothing. This is serious."
"I'm sorry. I was walking by the gym and decided to look inside when the ball came to me. I just passed it back and they asked me to play. I used to play and I started winning so he got angry and hit me. That's all."
"That's all? Do you know how hard you have to hit someone to bruise their arm like that? And give them a concussion?" Sana said, concern growing on their faces.
"Uh I guess I don't, well, I do now but I didn't before."
"Rain. Over here," Olive called. Everyone's attention immediately turned to someone who I could not see. My head started spinning and I suddenly felt extremely tired, so I put my head down on the table.
"Lyke?" Sana asked and shook my shoulder.
"I'm fine just a little dizzy."
"Do you need water?"
"Mhm," I responded, "I'm just tired."
"Try to stay awake." Olive suddenly got up and sat by my side. Sana and Lin returned with water.
"Can you drink?" Asked Lin.
"Mhmm," I turned my head and lifted it slightly, grabbing a water bottle from Sana's hand. Olive, with her hands on my shoulders, held me steady as I drank.
I closed my eyes that I had been fighting to keep open and could not open them again.
"Lyke?" I heard my name being called from all around me as I lay back in Olive's arms, unable to respond. I heard a boy's voice, a familiar voice.
"Let me take him." He said, panicked and concerned.
"Yes. Please take him to the health center and make sure you tell them everything that you saw happen. His name is Lyke. L. Y. K. E." Olive spelled out my name.
"What do you mean saw? What did he see?" Sana's voice cracked as she started to cry.
I felt Olive moving me and standing up.
"Olive, why didn't you say anything? How long were you going to wait?"
"Lin now is not the time."
I felt someone pick me up and rush off.
--
I woke up to voices quietly arguing just outside the room I was now in. I looked over a saw the boy, the one who bumped into me.
"How are you feeling? Do you need the lights dimmer?" I stared at him.
"Oh, I'm Rain. I saw what happened last night. I'm sorry I couldn't do anything, you left so quick. I'm also sorry for freaking you out that morning."
All I could do was stare.
"Do you need me to grab something? Water? Do you want them to come in?" I nodded and he got up to get them.
"Lyke. How are you feeling?" Olive immediately asked upon entering the room.
"Tired."
"That's probably because of the pain meds, Buddy. They have you on quite a bit."
"Why?"
"You have a broken arm and a skull fracture." Sana looked angry but relieved.
"Why would you not get help? Do you know how worried we were?" Sana was on the verge of tears again and Lin just nodded his head.
"You can tell us." Olive's words reassured me.
"Where's Rain? I want him to be here too why did he leave?" I said through my slurred, tired speech.
"He's right outside. You want me to get him?"
"Mhm," I nodded. I didn't know why, but a part of me felt reassured when he was there.
I continued to explain what had happened.
"How are you so casual about this?" Asked Lin.
"To me, the past is the past and there's nothing that can be done to change it. What's happened happened and it only matters that it's over with," I said angrily without much thought.
Sad, puzzled expressions came across their faces.
"I'm okay. I'll live."
Rain looked the most concerned out of them all, which I found odd.
"He got suspended. He was able to pay his way out of expulsion and is coming back in two weeks. I'm sure he won't try anything again. I know him, he won't repeat a mistake, but even if he doesn't, it doesn't mean that someone else won't," Warned Rain. "Here's my number. When you come back, I'll make sure nobody touches you."
"Make that all of us," Olive chimed.
It was a few days until I was able to go home again. The feeling of a familiar place instantly helped with the turbulence that was in my mind. As much as I told myself I was fine, the sound of his voice still haunted me. Whenever I was approached, my heart stopped and my breath ran out. The anger in his voice, his violent nature. It haunted me; "even if he doesn't, it doesn't mean someone else won't." It felt like I was being watched again. I thought I had escaped the anxiety that had been destroying me by running away months ago. I thought I could heal, but in the end, it was all just a dream, not a reality.
*Bzz*
I got a text from Rain.
Rain: "I was told you're home now. How are you feeling?"
Lyke: "I told you I'm completely fine. Feel like I can do anything :)."
Rain: "If you say so. When are you coming back?"
Lyke: "Monday."
Rain: "Are sure?"
Lyke: "Yep."
Rain: "Super sure?"
"Yessss," I replied with a smile on my face. I felt like a kid being nagged by my older brother and it made me forget everything in the moment.
Rain: "You should sleep. Get more rest and meet me at the front campus on Monday."
Lyke: "Why? I'm fine. I thought he wasn't going to be back for another week at that point?"
Rain: "Nothing wrong with wanting to get to know you."
"Me? Why me?" I felt a wave of anxiety wash over me as I thought about the words of the boy.
"I don't know. I just want to know you more." Rain responded.
I didn't respond after that. I felt like he was after me, everybody was after me, looking to hurt me in any way possible. Like an animal being targeted, I felt the eyes of people I didn't know and couldn't see waiting for the moment to break me again. I stayed in bed until Monday when I dragged myself out to wash up and leave for my classes.
I was again met by Olive, Lin, and Sana. Rain stood, waiting with them.
"Good morning! How are feeling? Anything hurt?" Olive rapidly fired questions at me as soon as I arrived.
"I told you, I'm fine. I have an early class so I have to get going. See you guys at lunch?"
They shook their heads in agreement. I then looked at Rain. He was standing nervously to the side, purposefully staying out of the way.
"Oh yeah," Olive smiled slyly, "You and Rain are headed the same way. Why don't you go together?" Rain looked at me and I stared back.
"Oh, uh, I don't have to if you don't want to. Just say so and I'll leave."
"I'm sorry." I felt bad for making him leave again, but I didn't want to feel the fear that lingered while he was near. Too similar. Yet so different. Reminiscent of him but not quite the same. He smiled back at me and nodded his head.
"Can I join you guys for lunch, then?"
"Maybe..." Olive started to respond but stopped to look at me. At the lunch table, he would be able to sit away from me. Olive would be there too, so I decided to try. I nodded in response and Rain smiled.
"See you at lunch then." He walked away towards the sports facility, likely for his morning practice. Just then, Lin hit my back.
"Do you know who he is?" Lin seemed astonished.
"I know his name is Rain. That's about it. Why?"
"Only that he's the university's star basketball player. People would kill to even walk next to him. Why act so cold? He's the most popular guy here but you told him to leave. And he listened! Why would he listen to a freshman he just met...?"
"Lin," Olive hit him on the back of the head, "Why are you so nosy?? You are in people's business and you need to leave before someone hits you harder than I do." He sulked but nodded.
"Off to classes, chop-chop. See you all at lunch."
We split up then, heading off to our respective buildings and joining up again at lunchtime.
Rain sat farthest from me as I had thought he would, Olive right next to me.
"So what clubs are you guys joining? Oh yeah, Didn't Sana and Lyke go to the cooking club? How's that going?" Olive started.
"Only I got in. She claimed only one spot so Lyke let me have it," Sana explained.
"Then what are you going to do Lyke?" Olive asked.
"I haven't really thought of it. I didn't think that the cooking club would have so many members that they ran out of space."
"What exactly did she say?" Said Olive.
"She was excited when she heard us approaching but when she looked up as got annoyed. She emphasized that only one of us could join and then pushed the papers into Sana's hands. So I left and wandered into the gym." I explained.
"As far as I remember, the cooking club is actually in dire need of more people so it doesn't make sense she would say that." Olive looked at me then glanced at Rain, briefly meeting his eyes.
"I don't know why she would do that either. I can talk to her if you would like." Rain offered.
"I don't want to impose. She seemed to be disgusted with me. I'd rather not be in a situation like that." I wanted to join the cooking club as nothing else caught my attention, but if I wasn't wanted there, I felt I shouldn't be there.
"You aren't imposing. I know her well. I'll talk to her."
"Lin, what about you?" I asked, drawing the topic away from me.
"Tennis, of course. I'm pretty good at it," he said as he flexed his muscles.
"Oh..."
"Ohhhh..." Sana and Olive could barely contain their laughter.
"Is that why you got kicked off the team in high school? What happened to the various Tennis balls that you have hit through windows? Also, the one you HIT A DOG WITH?" Sana was ready to drag him through the mud as if she had been lying in wait for the perfect moment.
"I did not hit that dog on purpose. It ran in front of ME," Lin responded, pride hurt but not gone.
"Lin," Olive said gently, "it was a Pomeranian. It was behind you. How did you manage to fail so bad the ball went BACKWARDS and hit the smallest target?" Lins's pride was gone now.
"Dude, a Pomeranian?" Everyone at the table started laughing as Lin frantically tried to redeem himself.
We saw each other off for the day.
Back at home, I wondered if Rain would actually talk to the girl at the cooking club. How did he know her anyway? It wasn't my business but it made me curious as to why Olive had glanced at him the moment she was mentioned.
*bzzz*
I got another text from Rain.
Rain: "Hey. I talked to Nicky. She said she would accept you into the club, she just was in a bad mood that day. I apologize for her taking it out on you. Tell me if she tries anything else though."
Lyke: "How do you know her? Are you sure I'm allowed? I don't want to feel like I'm forcing myself into a place where I am not wanted."
Rain: "We dated for a while. She can be... difficult, but once you get to meet her, I'm sure your perspective will change."
Lyke: "Why would you go out of your way to talk to her? I could have found another club."
Rain: "Well you wanted to be in the cooking club, right?"
Lyke: "Yeah... I guess I can't get past the feeling that I'm imposing."
Rain: "You will be okay. The club meeting starts at 3 tomorrow. You should get to bed. Good night."
"Good night," I replied. My phone buzzed again.
It was a number I didn't know.
When I opened the message, I saw two pictures: one of the first day when Rain placed his hand on my head and one of Rain carrying me.
"He will never love you"
I remembered the various things the boy had said to me in the gym that night.
Right. He said the same thing to me.
"He will never love you"
As far as I knew, not even I loved myself, let alone another person. I simply turned off my phone and made sure to lock every window and door in my place.
The days came and went, anxiety increasing as they passed. Before I knew it, the two weeks were almost up. No matter how many times I was assured that the boy wouldn't do anything once he was back, I dreaded Tuesday morning when I would see him again.
It was only Friday night though, I had time to prepare myself.
I thought I did.
The random number that had sent me the pictures of Rain and I continued to text me;
"You better stay away from him or I will make your life hell."
"Tuesday is coming, better not see you near him again. I'm not afraid to finish what I started."
"Not responding? Still think you're better?"
"If you tell a soul, I will become your worst nightmare. Nothing you can even imagine."
It was obvious who it was.
Rain said he wouldn't do anything else, but he showed no sign of stopping.
The clicking of clockwork filled my head as I lay still in thought. All I had to do was stay away from Rain, assuming he was the one the texts were talking about. Although the thought made me slightly sad, if it was what I needed to do to be okay, I didn't even have to think about it.
Was it really him? The same boy who hit me? How did he get my number? I rarely gave my number to anyone. I had only given it to Rain.
"Did you give my number to anyone, Rain?" I quickly texted.
"I gave it to Nicky so she could contact you about the club. Why? Did she say something?"
"No," I responded, "in the future, don't go giving my number to anyone who asks for it. Please."
"I'm sorry, I didn't really think about it since I know her. I thought it would be okay."
"You know her? Well, I don't. You don't know who she knows or what she'll do with it. You don't know everything, okay?" I paused after sending it.
"I'm sorry," I sent after. I didn't want to be mean to Rain but his carelessness threw me off the edge.
"Why are you saying sorry? I promise that she will not give your number to anyone. You should sleep now. You're overthinking it." I read it but didn't respond. I hated it when people told me I was overthinking something.
There was a real chance they knew each other. If they knew each other, that meant he could get my number, which meant he'd find me. I wouldn't be "safe" anymore.
And I was overthinking?
Maybe Rain was the one not thinking enough.
The weekend came and went.
I was exhausted, mentally, emotionally, and physically, not even having the energy to think about Monday. About Nicky's threatening messages. About what I would do when he came back.
I ignored it all. If I told myself nothing was real, I could slowly believe it and be okay. Even if it was a delusion, even if it was far from okay.
I woke up Monday, still tired even though I had slept for the majority of the past two days.
Rain stood with Olive, Sana, and Lin as I walked up to the front of campus. I quickly walked away and toward my class, avoiding them all. Olive yelled my name but nobody chased after me. I needed to avoid Rain, but if Rain was with them, then all I could do was avoid them collectively. Lunch rolled around and I spotted Sana, Lin, and Olive sitting at a table without Rain.
"Hey. Can I sit?" I asked.
"Yes, of course you can sit. Why are you acting so strange today? Why did you run off this morning? You didn't even say hi. Is something wrong?" Olive looked worried.
"I had a super early class today, I'm sorry for not saying hi, I was in a rush. you know?" I replied quickly.
"But you never have that class so early."
"Times change sometimes. Don't worry about it."
"Anyways," started Sana, "are you coming to cooking today? I'm not sure there will be much you can do but we're making cookies! Everyone wants you to be there, you should come!"
"People actually want me there?" I was genuinely surprised.
"Of course. You're the best baker we have. Everyone adores you if you haven't realized. You have good energy." Said Sana.
"No-" I was cut off.
"She's not wrong; There's something about you that just makes people want to smile." Rain walked up behind Lin, smiling at me.
"Hey Rain!" Olive said. I quickly avoided his gaze, my eyes wandering to my plate.
"Are you ok Lyke?" Sana asked.
"Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay. I'm going to go to the bathroom then head off to class. I'll see you at cooking later?" I was once again met by Olive's puzzled expression.
"I'll see..." Sana trailed off as I got up and swiftly walked away. I could feel four sets of eyes on my back.
-
As promised, I met Sana at the cooking club and, although I wasn't very useful, I enjoyed the banter that went on while the members had fun. They gave me the opportunity to do anything I could and, as Sana said, I could feel their admiration for me; I felt loved by all of the members.
Except Nicky.
While she pretended to be nice, the messages rolled through my head, a constant reminder of her true nature. Every smile and every word she spoke seemed hostile. While on the surface she was a loving leader teaching her new club members, inside her ill intent showed.
At the end, the members slowly left one by one. Sana, Nicky, and I helped pass out the cookies to those leaving until there were no more left. Waving goodbye, Sana and I exited the room. To my surprise, Rain was waiting outside the door looking for a chance to talk to me.
"Lyke"
I continued walking without looking at him. Without even acknowledging that he was there.
"Lyke?" Rain called again.
I kept going.
"Lyke?" Sana grabbed my hand. "Rain just called for you twice. Why won't you answer? Are you feeling okay? Does your head hurt again?"
I smiled. "I'm fine. I'm just tired. I'll text Rain later and see what he wants. For now, I just want to go home," I responded softly. We continued walking, not hearing Rain again.
___
"All he does is talk about you. Why are you so special?"
That was the first text I received after going home that night.
Why was I special? I didn't know. I didn't think I was.
For the first time, I responded.
"I stayed away from him all day. I did all I could but he was just always there."
"Leave me alone. I hate you and I want nothing to do with you." The unknown number responded.
"What?"
"Send that to him. Send it to him now."
Deep down, I didn't want to. I didn't even want to avoid him. Although he was reminiscent of the past, he was different. Behind fear, there was a part of me that wanted to be near him. That part of me wanted to be able to text him every night and see him every morning.
But the other part of me was overbearing.
What would happen if I didn't listen?
What would they do?
What if it was worse?
"Ok," I responded.
Do it.
Do it.
All I had to do was send it.
I sat staring at my phone screen, Rains messages displayed in front of me.
Do it.
"Stay away from me"