I love you. Three words and so many spiteful lies placed in between them. I've never understood the importance of them. I never will. They're the words I hate the most. How could I ever say that to someone. I love you. I would never say that because, well, I don't to be quite frank. I don't love you. Why would I?
I have only loved one person. My mum. I idolized her. She does everything for me and gives me everything I have ever wanted. I have everything because of her. She saved me and I saved her. I'm her everything. I will never love anyone else. That's a promise. How could I accept anyone else when everyone else doesn't accept me? Why should I respect people who don't respect me? Why should I love you if you don't love me? I promise I am never going to fall in love with anyone else. Everyday I do the same four tiresome things. Wake up, go to school, come home and sit in my room. Today was no different but school was. It was weird. Almost scary. Not as scary as a few days ago but still scary nonetheless.
~flashback~
Finally the end of another shitty school day. I put my headphones in, blaring my music so I could no longer the hear shit all around me and started to walk home not realizing the roads where busier than normal. I walked peacefully to the traffic lights, where cars of all colors were rushing past trying to their destination the fastest.
As I waited for the traffic light to turn its beautiful emerald green into its own fiery crimson red and force the cars to come to halt, Mum messaged. She's working late again. Shocker. That's all she does. She left money for dinner. Again..
If she keeps pushing herself she going to get sick again. She keeps going over her limit. I messaged her with a slightly angry tone telling her to keep safe and to make sure she eats.
I looked up from my phone as the screen turned dark and lit up again.
"I will son. I love you. xxx "
Mum always told me she loved me. She made sure I knew.
The light was red. Its silent, no roaring engines. No screeching of tires. Just silence.
I was nearly at the other side, when someone pulled my arm and pulled me across the remaining part of the road. A car raced around the corner, barely missing me. This stranger saved me.
I looked at her. She looked my age but I had never seen her before. They asked me if I was okay. I nodded and promptly walked away putting my headphone back in, ignoring any conversation she tried to make after and carried on walking home.
~Present day~
Everyone ignored me. Normally I get bullied badly but not today. I mean I'm not complaining but It's weird. Right? People think I'm weird and call me a freak. I don't really care what they think. I think its ultimately kind of hilarious. I know I'm a freak but I don't care, I like it. I'm not going to change just because some dickheads at school called me a mean word. I just need to get through this. 2 more months then all these shit heads can fuck off.
I told mum I would so I need to do this. She has never given up on me, no matter how many times I tried to, she never let me, she just helped me through it. Plus I want my qualifications to be a surgeon. No. I NEED my qualifications. I need to give my mum a cozy life. I need to repay her for never leaving. I need to look after her. She always looked after me so now it's my turn to look after her. I need to give her the life she always wanted but never got. I need to look after and provide for her.
Even if I am getting pretty fucking tired…
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She had always looked after me no matter what. No matter how sick she was nor how busy she was juggling school and work. She had always made time for us and made sure we had everything we needed. Food. Clothes. Anything and everything. Even after dad left, even though she struggled to pay the rent, I always had everything I needed and more.
Mother was smart and then some. She taught me everything and anything I asked her to. Science. English. Spanish. She even tried to help when I did extra physics. She didn't understand it but she had tried and that is all I ever cared about. She made an effort to teach me and provide for me whilst we struggled but my father had just left. Out of nowhere he ran. He left us.
That part is my fault. I told him to. We had an argument. Well he and mum had an argument and I didn't want him to hurt her. Not again. So I got involved and screamed at him. He nearly hit me but before he did he left. He ran. Like a coward.
~Flashback~
December 23rd 2017. Mum had to work and I was left with dad. Mum had told him before that he need to tidy the flat so it was clean enough for Christmas eve because we had people coming over for a small party with our family. I was 11. I didn't want to tidy I wanted to make a Christmas card for mum. He shouted at me because he had to tidy. I should have just tided up. I didn't want to though. Mum had struggled so much and I just wanted to make her something nice. I should have listened to him though.
When mum came back from work I told her what dad said and he started shouting at her telling her that he was just doing what she had said to do. She shouted back. She told him that I was just a kid and I should be having fun and should be allowed to make Christmas cards If I wanted to. It grew louder and louder until I couldn't take it any more and I screamed at him to leave. To leave and not come back.
I didn't think he would actually not come back but he didn't at all. Not for Christmas or my birthday.