[Kadeeth]
What was I thinking? I didn't mean to tell him, I just wanted to see him. I was upset after seeing my father, so I skipped supper. I didn't want to ruin his chance at making friends just because I showed up in a bad mood.
FUCK.
Nothing's going right. I wish I could rewind to when all of Ridges hard work was paying off, and he looked like the happiest guy in the world. Now everything's gone to shit and I can't take it back. Not only did I fucking tell him, I hurt him too. I know how strong I am, but I've never wished harm on Ridge. Not him, ever.
I stomp down the corridor, too distraught to bother with concealing my presence. My free hand pushes through my hair repeatedly, messing up and fixing the dark locks in a manic pattern.
The look in Ridge's eyes.
I stop abruptly and slam the side of my fist into a stone pillar. It absorbs the contact and barely makes a sound, but it hurts like hell, and that's what I need right now. I need to feel something other than guilt.
I wasn't gonna tell him anything, then he came crashing through the door after HOURS of waiting, with this fucking blonde in tow. I glance down at Martina, but he's out cold. Not only could I practically taste the alcohol, palpable in the air around him, but he brought a boy back with him. He brought another guy, while drunk, back to his room, in my house.
That just doesn't sit well with me. It relit the dying rage I felt over the news of what's happening at the western borders, and I ended up hurting him. Shit, how could I do that? After everything he's been through, why can't I stop myself from being such an asshole?
This is just like when he broke down a few weeks ago. His graduation from the Academy was nearing, and he was back in his own head again. I snuck out of the Manor to annoy- I mean cheer him up, bribing the guards like usual. But what I found was a normally calm, quiet man, hacking away savagely at a training dummy in an empty field.
It was the dead of night, but the lights from enough Academy windows were on to illuminate the vast area. So I could see the tears dripping down his face, and hear the choked cries leaving his throat. I ran to him, ripping the splintered wooden training sword from his hands and chucking it out of reach. His palms were raw and littered with small cuts and blisters. He'd slumped over into my arms almost immediately. He was still hurting, just like he was during his freshman year, and I hadn't known.
Then, like the asshole I am, I'd treated the incident like he'd done something wrong by finding comfort in me. Like he was weird for expressing his feelings.
I look down at my own bruised hand. The side of my pinky is red and has a long jagged scrape down it. Blood pools a bit in the cut, but it's not big enough for any to leave the wound. I press my back against the cold pillar, trying to ground myself. Lowering Martina alongside me, my back slides down the pole until I'm sitting dejectedly on the ground.
"I'm sorry." I whisper to the empty hallway.
Maybe it's best that I did tell him something. It's not like I gave away any confidential information, and Ridge isn't the type to gossip or spread rumors. Plus, he's most certainly not a spy. I'd have known by now. One stupid promise isn't going to turn the tides of the war, if you could even call it that.
This way though, if something really does happen, he'll have a heads up. The fighting at the border may have taken a turn for the worst, but that doesn't guarantee anything will actually change. The Duchy is closer to the border than most estates, but we're still miles away from the main conflict. I shouldn't have gotten so worked up, there's nothing to worry about.
It doesn't excuse what I did, if anything it makes it worse, since my freak-out seems even less justified now, but I feel better now that I've thought about it. It doesn't hurt to know that if things go south, Ridge will be safe. He promised, after all. If anything happens, he'll leave the Duchy.
I lift myself up, and dust off my wrinkled clothes. If I don't get my issues figured out, Ridge might leave me someday. He's already trying to replace me with this fool.
I nudge Martina lightly with my foot, he bats me away, but doesn't wake up. I should probably make sure he doesn't die from overdrinking, I feel like Ridge would appreciate that.
Bending over I effortlessly pick up the smaller man and throw his arm over my shoulder. Does Ridge really not know this guy lives directly below him on the first floor? If he needed information he could've come to me. That's one place I know he's familiar with, my room.
The amount of times I've snuck him in through the window so we could slide around the Manor in our socks at night have become too many to count. Sure I wouldn't have been there, since I was waiting in his room, but just the idea of it makes me feel better. He should really learn to rely on others more, specifically me, but also just other people in general. As insecure as I am about him making new friends, I do want it to happen. He deserves it, I know that, but it doesn't make it any easier.
I have to apologize properly tomorrow, I won't make the same mistake again. I have no desire to be the reason our friendship falls apart. I'm going to do better, to make him understand that I'm more than just a fair weather friend.
It's been clear for a while that I'm a big part of the reason he's such a mess. I've done that to him, with my ungrateful demeanor causing me to keep a certain distance between us. I probably learned that from my father. God, I wish he hadn't briefed me on the border situation. Then maybe I really could have avoided all this.
I'm fine now. I'm fine. He promised, so there's nothing to worry about.
A Knight's Oath is as good as gold.
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Let me know what you thought of Kadeeth's POV! I had someone ask about it, so thought I'd sneak one in there.