" . . . what the FUCK are you doing?!" Luna yelled at the Vint as though his self sacrificed was both needless and useless.
Immediately called to act, Luna fetched a disc-like device and threw it like a frisbee towards the hole-ridden Vint, emitting an dome shaped barrier that held strong against the soldier's standard laser rifle.
"Leave me, L-Luna, I've been s-shot in the---"
Luna ran out from the train floor that Vint had tossed her onto and tried to drag him by the armpits, saying, "Shut up! You're a fucking robot, Vint, look at your wounds! Get in the damn train before your dumb ass gets us both locked out!"
"W-What?!"
Vint felt over the bullet holes shot into his body, the wounds felt amiss with its rough and non-fleshy sensation. But with time running out as the train had been predetermined to leave without a manual input, he had no time to think over it as Vint kicked his legs to push himself backward, Luna entering the train shortly after.
The soldier, clearly noticing the ineffectively of her bullets as they bounced off the barrier's spherical shape, rushed forward to opt out for blunt damage instead. In a blur of orange, the soldier approached the shield with a winding punch and shattered the shield.
"Go to hell, piss face!"
Luna, however, had already known that her device would shatter under the force of the State's revolutionary military technology and pulled out a pistol from God-knows-where, emptying its Wave-based cartridge out the immediate second the soldier had broken through.
It was a weapon that, instead of focusing on a penetrative bullet that tore into the flesh of the receiving end of that gun, centered around on the speed factor of the bullet that resonated its momentum with the target to send them flying backward. The soldier was, of course, no exception to the function of the gun as her flew together with the many bullets that were shot towards her.
Now that it had served its purpose, Luna tossed her contraption outside the train doors and checked on the damage that Vint had procured during his half-assed attempt at self sacrifice.
With a simple look-over at Vint's body, Luna breathed a robotic sigh of relief as she turned around to meet the determined eyes of the soldier that hadn't given up, for the moment Luna had turned her back towards her, the soldier had made an orange lasso of sorts that ripped through the air to wrap around Luna's ankle and gripped it with both hands.
"Bitch---!" Luna yelled out a curse as she clawed at the floor to try to get some kind of grip on the train before she would be torn away, "---Vint, help me! Please!"
Suddenly put into a state of emergency, Vint jumped into action as he grabbed Luna's hands and wrapped his legs around the grab rails so as to also not be pulled out the train, thus beginning Vint's most intense tug of war game ever in his life.
The soldier, despite being sat down on a flat floor with no where near her to grip, was unbudging no matter how much Vint and Luna would pull themselves into the train; nevertheless, it was only a matter of time until the doors closed and the train would move, cutting off the orange lasso easily.
But the problem was that, because Luna was in a position that her upper body was in the train and her lower body was on the station platform, she would be the one to be cut in half.
And so, Luna devised a simple plan, "Agh! Vint! There's seven seconds until this damn train closes its doors! So on my count, pull as hard as you can!"
Vint nodded along to Luna's suggestion, taking two seconds away from the timer.
Three seconds in, and Vint began to relax his body a bit to preserve some energy.
Four seconds in, and the soldier too relaxed her body subconsciously just a bit to not stress her human muscles all that much.
Five seconds in, and Luna tried to tighten the area around her abdominal inner mechanisms as she felt their synthetic skin begin to tear apart from the pull, signaling Vint to start pulling immediately.
Six seconds in, and Vint gave it his all to pull Luna into the train cart, slightly catching the soldier off guard for the smallest of moments, but just enough to take advantage over.
Seven seconds in, and only Luna's lower calfs were outside the train cart.
Seven point three three nine seconds in, and the train only now begins to close its doors.
Seven point nine two three seconds in, and the grab rail that Vint was wrapped around gave in and moved Luna in the direction of the soldier, positioning her upper thighs to meet the train door's centre line.
Eight point four five four seconds in, and just a smallest bits of despair crept in Vint's mind as he loosened his grip just enough to move her waist down to the train's centre line.
Eight point five five six seconds in, and Luna can both hear and feel metallic wires snap around her stomach area.
Eight point seven six four seconds in, and the closing train doors have made contact with Luna's body.
Eight point nine zero one seconds in, and the train doors try to slam shut near Luna's tearing metallic wounds, severing a lot of important mechanisms before finally cutting through her robotic spine, splitting her in half as the tug of war ended.
Still, the soldier didn't give up just yet as she knew it was still a fair bit before the train actually began to take off, estimating about thirty to forty five seconds away until its actual departure as she heard a platoon of soldiers pace themselves down the narrow flight go stairs.
She ran once more towards the train cart's entrance, barreling forward with a shoulder charge as the soldier rammed the train doors.
Impressively enough, the train doors held against the superhuman's attack, leaving only the slightest dents as the soldier reached for a dagger at her utility belt to smash against the windows, which too were tempered strong enough to handle the soldier's strike.
Vint saw her pull out a pistol to aim it at the train and wanted to see how it turned out, but he had more important things to pay attention to, considering Luna was now screaming at the top of her mechanical vocal cords and would considerably ruin his friendship with Luna if he began bopping his head to the rhythmic beating of the banging.
"AGH! SHIT! FUCK! VINT, TURN OFF MY FUCKING PAIN SENSORS!"
"Okay, okay! H-Hold still!" Vint said with a panicked tone, clearly knowledgable of all the human-imitative technology that goes into robots but the surreality of using them on someone he'd thought of as a real person for all his life was clearly getting to him.
Turning Luna over to her backside and uncomfortably removing her ripped clothing to gain access to what he would assume to be a control panel, Vint opened a well-hidden sheet of synthetic skin and metal that wasn't so well-hidden with Luna's entire bottom having been ripped open.
Beneath that sheet of synthetic skin, of course, revealed a thing, rectangular black box that when unlatched, revealed a terminal screen and a keyboard to input commands.
[Input command here . . . ] The terminal screen read, prompting Vint to type in a system command that disabled the sensory nerves that sent 'pain,' or unbearable static white noise to Luna's brain.
Vint clicked enter key and the terminal screen immediately went to work.
"OH... huff, oh... shit, huff, oh my God..." Luna exasperated breathes was the only sound that filled the silence inside the train now that it began to go.
The soldiers that were trying to break in or at least destroy the train's motor functions flew away in the distant background in an instant, the train cutting off all direct influence from the third dimension and entering a pseudo fourth dimension for high speeds.
Looking outside the train windows gave the sight as though you were in an entirely different dimension, particles of purple space flying past the train cart.
If you were to stare at it long enough, the view could easily strain your eyes from the difficulty a third dimensional perspective would have trying to visualize something beyond what it was capable of...
...but for Vint, now that he knew what he was, it was all that he could stare at.
"...why didn't you tell me?"
"Tell you what?"
"That I was a robot for all of my life I've spent with you."
"It's complicated, Vint, I really don't want to do this."
"What the hell do you mean---!" Vint raised his voice but immediately cooled it down, knowing he wasn't the type to do such a thing, "---sorry, but when you word it like that, you make it seem like I'm an infant for you to shield."
"No! No, I'm sorry, sorry for speaking down on you."
"It just sucks to know that everything you've amounted to wasn't actually you. My work, my creativity, everything about me as a person was fabricated by ones and zeroes; to know that you weren't responsible for anything you were proud for, that you were a fake whose pride was misplaced all this time."
"You aren't fake, Vint, you're a real person."
Vint winced at those stabbing words, "You don't know how cruel that sounds to me, Luna."
"But you are! You're of your own person, your own character, your own---"
"Please! Luna, drop it. You can't expect such a blatant white lie like that to work. I'm a robot, Luna, an android who functions on AI, and we both know a lot about AI as scientists who need to use them every day for Distortion testing.
No matter what kind of genius you pose as, you can't make an AI to be more than its creator had set it out to be.
You can code an AI to observe and learn, to know and develop itself, but even that would be under the pretense of code.
It may not mean much to you, who always knew what you were, but the idea of just . . . not being me stabs at my insides. I don't have free will, I don't have originality, and I don't even have myself. I'm a sham, Luna, too much of a lie to handle the truth." Vint spoke with a pained clarity as he leaned his head on the edge of the train seat.
Silence returned to the train cart as not even the panting of breathes were heard, both Vint and Luna clearly acknowledging theirselves as machine and nothing more than machine.
It wouldn't be until a small beeping sound rang out as a blaring red light flashed from Luna's body, a warning sign was being alarmed that something was very much in the wrong.
"Luna?!" Vint exclaimed in surprise, snapping his focus back onto Luna as he gave an urgent look-over on what was happening, "Your energy levels are low . . . wait, what happens if it hits zero?! Y-You don't die, do you?"
"No, silly, I'll just power off until you can find a charging port, but . . . " Luna followed her sentence with a contemplating silence.
"What? 'But' what?"
" . . . before that, I'll tell you the truth, or at least what I know."
"Is it . . . " Vint casted his eyes downward, " . . . is it a something you think I can handle?"
"I would like to believe so; no, what the hell am I saying? I absolute believe that you can! No, I know that you can!" Luna then took another moment of silence to herself, "Wait, no, nothing's certain in this world, and I only hold you to be just a bit less clumsy than me, so revert that last statement."
"Pfftahahaha . . . my humor's run dry if I can laugh at something like that." Vint made a hearty chuckle.
"Nuthin' like a bit of insanity served as a side dish, eh?"
The two share a small giggle between each other before a silence fell back onto the train cart, a clear and audible breath was taken by Luna before she opened her mouth, closed it, and opened it once more."
"Vint, you are the main protagonist of this world we live in, the author that gave concept to this reality I love so much."
" . . . what? Gave concept to?" Vint spoke with understandable confusion, knowing to expect something bizarre about his life, but not to this extent.
"Yes, you gave concept to me and the laboratory and to everything else in this world, although something else entirely was responsible for the actualized it."
" . . . who? And why?"
"Why, The State, of course. Who'd else have so much authority and power to make an entire ass world with whatever scientific wonders they've discovered over there? As for why . . . you're awfully important to funk ball that's leading The State.
You're someone important enough that they want you as happy and docile as much as possible, enough to shove you into your own novel for that matter.
I don't know much about your past, so I can't exactly give you a start on whatever mad inquisition you plan on having later about your importance to The State, but there's no doubt that you're important enough for them to want an everlasting happiness for you.
No matter what kind of decision you could've and would've made, this world operates in a way that always makes you satisfied at the end. You are at the very center of this world and it will spin whatever nonsensical paradox of causality it can to fit your fancies. Because of that revolvement around you, if you were set on running away with me, we could've lived scot-free of our past in whatever niche of paradise you can imagine in your head.
If you had said no, however, then we would've recycled the plot of your novel and erase all of your memories for maximum replayability, running its simulation for the thirty second time . . .
. . . depressing, isn't it? But I can only do so much."
"Then . . . who are you?"
"Simple, really. I'm a spy made in the spitting image of the person you like most, someone sent by The State to monitor and influence your behavior and actions, someone who makes all the cold-hearted decisions for you. Although, I don't exactly know why they even made me so short. Maybe for approachability? I really don't know.
Anyways, playing that kind of role in your life makes me extremely susceptible to The State's authority. Had I forced you to make a decision you were unsatisfied with, I'd be blasted into oblivion.
If I had dared to make you have some sort of dissatisfaction or unhappiness in life, I'd be blasted into oblivion.
That's why I was so adamant for you to make a decision without regrets, because otherwise, I'd lose all of my memories of the time I've spent with you, and without that, we'd reset back to complete strangers simply acquaintances by work . . .
. . . y'know, that was how I started out, as a completely lifeless assistant manager who made lifeless decisions. Can you imagine it? Me, just slaving away over my computers without a hint of the humor and utter cuteness I have today, can you visualize such a damned reality without me as, you know, me?"
"No, I don't think I can because I've never seen you as cute. You think I can look at a Scottish-tongued midget like you as fondly as I could with a cat?"
"Boooo! How dare you slander my cuteness like that? Who'd care about my coprolalia when my ever-so cute self were presented before them? Naturally, I exclude all weird people from this offer of self presentation."
"Haha! Of course, of course."
Luna chuckled a bit with Vint before returning to a more serious face and said, "But, maybe it was the fact that you really were a real person with a real soul in this all-too fake reality, but sooner than later, I found myself infatuated with you.
You were a dream that pushed me to try for the real thing, an addiction too strong for my code to process and tone down to a gray thought.
I liked having fun with you overthrowing The State in all sorts of different ways, even if I was the only person who knew the differences. With you, just for those moments, I felt like I had crossed that impossibly thin line between describing life and experiencing life . . .
. . . but, no matter how long that dreamy haze covered my eyes, I knew I'd always open them with the perfect clarity to tell myself such a dream couldn't be promised to me.
As I said before, I was made to imitate a real person close to you because I could never have that sense of 'realness' to me, never to have a soul to see life in tints of rose and rainbows.
You said it best yourself, that AI can never go beyond their code, never to have a real sense of self.
Each and every day, I was happy to feel 'right' to laugh and have fun, but each and every night, I was pulled away from that delusion and reminded that very dream would not be granted to me.
That this sense of reality will forever be just a sense and not a memory, that all you could ever be to me was star forever distant to me.
That's why I won't ever let you tell yourself you're fake, no matter what. To see someone trash talk themselves about being something you've lived as for your entire life and it not even being true, kind sucks. Please don't diminish yourself, Vint, you're so much more than the things you aren't. You're someone defined by the things you are."
"I'm . . . sorry."
"So long as those words hold true to you, you don't need to apologize for anything, alright?" Luna spoke as she shined a toothy grin at Vint, another beeping sound ringing from her body, "Ah . . . I don't have much time before I power down, so make your last question quick."
" . . . what changed this time?"
"Hm?"
"You said that we've been in a loop of my novel's narrative for all of our lives here, so what made the difference now? What did you do different?"
"Me, making the change? Haha! I can't do that, my brain would be fried the moment before I could even think of doing something so drastically different from the norm. No, of course not. Do you remember that guy named Alex who sent janitor resumes for Theo and Carmina?"
" . . . yea?"
"Well, imagine my surprise when he called me from another dimension! He talked about all sorts of wacky things that tickled my brain, like sending over two cute juniors who get to bust our asses out of here in return for work experience!"
"You didn't find them off the street?!"
Luna giggled, "Of course not! Maybe resetting your memories forty times over really does make your brain rot. C'mon, Vint, how am I gonna get two Manifestors to pop up on a route I don't even take that often, shoot them down to drag over to our laboratory, and then suddenly get two job resumes for them to work at our place?"
"I, uh, don't ponder about that stuff."
"Dude, you have as much suspicion capacity as children with a white van labeled 'free candy!' all over its car doors."
"Maybe, maybe." Vint said with a slight grin on his face.
"Anyways, yea, I hired that Alex guy's services for this deviation, and it's going as swimmingly as a drowning chimpanzee, but hey, they're trying! Well, maybe after a couple minutes of not breathing when you get permanent brain damage, but you get the point.
Things are not going the way I hoped it would be, and I feel scammed out of my time having even heard that Alex guy out. That bastard told me a real good plan by implanting the robotic equivalent of hallucinogens into the coding section that imitated real human behavior, plotting out all of our actions and escapes routes, only for the end of it to go to complete shit after The State had already sent military soldiers over to our laboratory.
I made what scrap was left of the plan, improvised on the route he had given me, and here we are, completely separated from the world of technology as travel through this train.
But that wasn't the real reason why I took this deal, with all of its fantasies I could dream about having. You see, that Alex fella delivered something really interesting to me that seemed too good to be true, circling all around to poke its ass to even be fake . . .
. . . Vint, do you know why you don't remember anything from your past?"
"I don't think I can even come close to an honest answer to that."
Luna tried propping herself up against the train door before Vint got up to help her and said, "It's because, in order to make you lose your memories, The State removes a part of your soul with whatever sci-fi shit they made up in their nerd labs.
By the definition Alex gave me, your soul is what turns sensory information into memories, it being the thin line of why you can't describe what the color orange looks like to a color blind person compared to them actually seeing and experiencing it. And so, following the same line of reasoning of cutting off an ear to keep someone from remembering a sound, The State has done just that to ensure you of your amnesia!
But that doesn't mean you can't recover your memories, no, far from it. The soul is an impermanent thing, losing and regaining memories being its natural process."
Luna, trying to probe around what's left of her body to find what she needed, pulled out a box somewhere near a crevice besides her upper spine, the same box that Carmina had once held in hands to only show nothing but sterile air.
Placing her left hand under the box and her right hand on top to open it, Luna revealed a single eyeball that spiraled neither outwards nor inwards with an arrow as blue as electricity.
"It was . . . empty before, wasn't it? How did it . . . ?"
"A safety measure in case The State had could discover it through my eyes, but that doesn't matter right now. Vint, this is your soul, and with it, you'll be able to leave this pointless spiral into oblivion, never knowing what's forward or backward, outward or inward . . .
. . . but, as I said, I don't want to force you into a choice, regardless of what could happen to me. Vint, would you like to stay in this happy facade with me or do you want to see the real world out there? If there was a negative connotation to those words, ignore it."
"When would I leave? How would I even do it?"
"When this train stops, you exit. Then, one thing leads to another and you're in another world! Nothing too complicated."
"Then what would happened to you? How would you even . . . live? You can't expect me to believe you can drag yourself to a charging port in a state like that."
"Simple, really---I just don't."
"Luna, we've known each other long enough to know I can't---no, I won't just abandon you here. Even if I were to take that 'leave' into another world, I couldn't do it unless I'm assured of your safety, Luna."
"Hehehe . . . " Luna made a sheepish grin, "That makes me happy, Vint, it really does. But no, it's one thing or the other, an ultimatum made ultimate by the sheer contrast of its decisions. It's either me or the world, Vint, you can only choose one."
"Then I choose you! Choice made! I don't want to leave you to die so unhappy in this . . . this prison made for me."
Vint, declaring his choice as absolute, stood up with fervor as he rushed drive determination into his decision. After all, the outside world was scary with its limitless possibilities, and what if the 'him' from the past was a monster? A complete disassociate to humanity that conflicted with the Vint he knows himself as? Why shun comfort and familiarity to face the horrors presented outside the world he has always known?
Such were the cheap thoughts made to rationalize Vint's decision, notions that ran its roots far deeper into his psyche than the false imitation of a calm-headed scientist he had always regarded himself as.
But, taking a moment to properly meet Luna in the eyes, all that Vint saw was a solemn face filled with a sense of disappointment and disbelief in his statement.
"I . . . don't think you understand, Vint. I say these things because I want you to make a decision that doesn't hold me as a weight to your scale.
Just the implication that you're making this choice because of me puts me in a state of turmoil. To know that you're the reason why your best friend has to hold themselves back for you outweighs any kind of optimism I have for that future with you.
I want you to make this choice with near-complete neutrality to the situation, burdened not by the pros or cons of each possibility but rather with the basis of which would satisfy you the best. That way, I can rest peacefully knowing that I didn't jeopardize you from what really makes you happy, so please, Vint, don't misunderstand me here."
Vint sat back down on the train floor, disregarding any kind of cushioned seat to meet at equal eye level of the one person who he had respected the most in his life as both a coworker and friend as he began another train of thought . . .
. . . this time, however, Vint tried to keep Luna's word to heart as much as possible and made the focus of his decision more self-centered.
With a breath in and a breath out, Vint calmed himself no matter its illogicality to a robot and said, "Then how can I rest easy, knowing that I'll be leaving you here to die in this metal box? You're selfish to think that you are the one solely burdened with worry between the two of us."
"Yes, right, it's incredibly selfish of me to force you with the major choice and make myself as the person affected by its outcomes the most. Maybe it's just easier to think of myself as the unvalued person in our friendship; after all, self sacrifice is better than any other sacrifice because you don't have to live through the grief of anyone else, but . . .
. . . can't you just let me be a bit more selfish, even at a choice so utterly important for the both of us? I don't want to die having caused you distress, Vint, it would kill my heart and soul all-the-more faster."
"You know damn straight I can't leave without a peace of mind, Luna. I can't just act so heartless to someone I've known for so long in a matter of seconds. Hell, you'd see me bawl out my eyes before if I tried leaving you behind in a way that I can only call myself a traitor."
Luna gave a light-hearted chuckle, its volume growing quieter by the second from her draining battery, "Real good way to tell your manhood, yea? Suck it up and be off your way."
"I would rather cry like a bitch over a friend's death rather than not shed a tear at all, manhood be damned."
"Oh, c'mon, you know you wouldn't . . . " Luna said as she tapered off her into her sentence as she tried to dismiss the idea, but looking square into those set of eyes that told no joke behind their irises, she couldn't feel so guiltless about the pain she would cause to Vint after her death, and in turn, would ultimately give her regrets about jeopardizing her friend.
"I'm serious about this, Luna. I'm not caving into a fucking societal stereotype of 'men be cold and strong,' I'll stream rivers of tears down my face until I'm done mourning."
" . . . "
Luna didn't return a comment.
The guiltless path she wanted to take in this farewell was now impossible, her acknowledgement of who she meant to Vint being far more than what Luna could ignore.
She opened her mouth to speak, closed it, opened it, and closed it again in hesitation of what to say. Anything that Luna would say here would detrimentally affect the outcome of Vint's choice, regardless of what she wanted.
In an environment that felt so detached from the world, the concept of time to the two had become blurred, agonizingly stretching to what felt like hours of suffocating air despite having only a minute's worth of silence permeate the train cart.
But Luna knew that the longer she would stay indecisive, the sooner she would waste all of her battery doing nothing for Vint; it was a future far more worse than any other possibility.
And so, doing what she had always done in her profession during the newer days of her job where she could delude in the breath of life, Luna braved the possibility of failure and decided to take her last stance using a card that sacrificed any sort of chance to obtain that happily-ever-after with Vint.
Using the ever-so-draining seconds of her battery to solidify what she had to say, Luna took it upon herself to do a fuck-it-all kind of thought and said, " . . . Vint, do you remember the note that was attached with this box? What do you think it meant?"
"The 'save who you're cool with saving' thing, right? How would I know? I've never met that Alex guy, I couldn't even imagine what he had to mean by that."
"Vint, for our entire discussion here, you've been given two options on how to move on from now. You could either live the rest of your life with me, that decision weighted down by my desire as a friend, or you can escape this never-ending simulation of reality and explore the real world, weighted down by your natural curiosity and presumed satisfaction with life.
However, given this stalemate between choices, I've decided that you're too pussy to make a decision and will promptly give you only one possibility on how to move forward here.
Vint, as much as a lie it sounds considering I wasn't its writer, I interpret that note as a message from me to you. Right now, I want you to discard any memory of what I initially wanted, because what I want right now is your freedom into the real world . . .
. . . Vint, I'm cool with you saving yourself from this meaningless spiral in life. You deserve the world, you deserve to see yourself grow, you deserve an arrow purposed forward.
So please, Vint, I beg of you once more---don't worry about me, I'll stay in this train cart until the end of time. With that in mind, would you kindly visit me from time to time and tell me what it's like . . . out there?"
Luna shined a shit-eating smile at Vint, her words doing more than enough to convince him to make a decision in that very moment.
Likewise, Vint returned a gentle smile and said, "Sure, why not? Maybe I'll get you a souvenir from the outside, but don't expect anything flashy, alright? You think a bucket of chicken could do you justice?"
" . . . . . . "
"Luna? Are you there?"
"Agh!" Luna loudly exclaimed, "Shit, my system is forcing me into power-saving mode. Get your ass outta here with your damn eye before you start changing your mind and I ain't there to snap you back right!"
"Rushing your dearest friend into departure so soon? I'm simply offended, Luna."
"And I'm complexly defensive, Vint. Speak of your quarrels now before I start climbing the stairway to heaven!
Vint pointed to the ethereal-like eyeball that rested in its cushioned container, "Heaven? Really? I'm not completely ignorant of the stuff you pull off in the laboratory."
"What the hell did God ever do that aligned him with human morals? Biblically, the fucker probably killed more than any kind of genocide held on Earth. Can you really see the ethicality of an all-mighty being sending bears to kill children?"
"No . . . ?"
"Yea, well, me neither. I'll just do a couple 'beg for forgiveness' rodeos and boom! I'm in heaven. That's literally the whole thing schtick of God, y'know?"
"Didn't think you were so religious, like, ever."
"I don't just take chances, Vint, I take chances with maximum preparation."
Vint pointed to the box held atop of Luna's hand, "Do I just stick it in an eye socket? Like, how the hell do you do soul implantation in the first place?"
"Just about, I guess. You aren't going to do it now, are you?"
"Uh, sure, the sooner the better, right?"
"Kindly, do not. You are absolutely going to get some hour long flashback, and I'll be the person who has to sit . . . through all of it. That's just common knowledge! And if you . . . needed a remind, I'm kind of pressed for time right now." Luna spoke with breaks and spacings between her words.
"Haha, yea, I can see that. You look like you can pass out anytime."
"If you can see that, then get your ass going! It'd suck balls if I flop on . . . the floor before I could even send you off! My grace would be gone in seconds if that was the last memory you have of me."
"I wouldn't mind staying with you until you sleep, actually. Why would I even go anywhere else on this train in the first place?"
"Well, I mind! As poetically seductive as that might sound, I'm going to be hella pissed if your last memory of me is gonna be all emotional luggage! So much so that I'll kamikaze straight from heaven to jam you into hell with me!"
"How very fierce of you, nagging mom of mine. You want me to just move onto the next train cart and wait for our next stop, then?"
"I'll nag you like a mom for as long as I'm worried about you! You were, like, a mess and a half just a few minutes ago."
"Luna, I'm an adult. For the most part, I have my shit together. For the other percentage to that 'most' part, you already solved all the problems I had with moving on. You're a good friend, Luna, and I know being worried is apart of that, but it still hurts to know you're so untrusting of me."
"Alright! Alright, I'm sorry, I trust you."
"I don't mind it, it's what makes you the best friend I've ever had after all. So, with that resolved, do you want me to just say our goodbyes and move over to the next train cart?"
"Oh, no, what the hell? That has to be the shittiest possible departure I could even imagine between the two of us. No, you need to make over to the cockpit and change up the coordinates I set up for the place we were going to retire. That'd be another shit stain I'd hate to leave on your memory of me, to see all that after you've decided to go forward with your life. Steer this train to your own destination, Vint, that's what you need to do."
"Just so you know, cursing so much doesn't exactly paint the connotation of 'graceful' into your image. Might I suggest a fine tongue-brushing session with a soap bar?"
"Oh, piss off, Vint, I hate formality above all. Also, if you could lift me up to a train seat for me to sit on, that would be much appreciated. I'd rather die getting turned into tea juice for The Brute of Britain to drink than look like a hobbit on the ground without grace."
"You're right, Luna, I'd rather see you only in the image I see of you in front of my very own eyes." Vint said as he got up from the floor to carry Luna onto a cushioned train seat, lifting her up by her armpits like a child.
"So . . . all that's left are goodbyes then, right?"
"I guess so, then." Vint downcast his eyes before holding steadfast in his decision, lifting them back up as he had to kneel to meet her line of eyesight, "Goodbye, Luna, I'd like to taste your cooking again with a real tongue next time."
"Yea, bye bye Vint, I'll be holding up hope for that 'next time' to come soon."
Vint smiled before trying to get up with his weak knees, stumbling a little to the left before support himself with the ledge of the train seat, grabbing the box that Luna had handed him. He faced the way he thought would be the cockpit of the train and walked.
But before he could really reach gangway connection, just about three or four steps into his walk, Vint turned around to see Luna was staring intently at his leaving back, now meeting his eyes due to it being the only thing she could look at him.
Vint smiled just a little weaker before turning around to continue his walk, the path there having felt a little more extended than he would've liked.
A couple more steps into his walk to the gangway connection, Vint turned around once more to meet the intensely staring eyes of Luna, who gave a little wave goodbye as Vint too gave back a little goodbye wave over his shoulder as courtesy.
To Vint, the walk felt like an eternity, but as much as common sense would pertain to that mental perception doesn't do much to change reality as it is, he reached the gangway connection.
Of course, he stopped in front of the door that lead into another train cart.
After a couple more breathes of air that felt far too suffocating and electric to be called as fake, Vint began sharpening his looks as he snapped back his collar, made symmetry of his buttoned shirt, and slicking back his hair before he turned around for once last word exchange.
"How do I look, midget?"
"You look with your eyes, dumbass."
Vint gave a genuine smile with a small chuckle behind it, waving to Luna as she waved back like mad, beaming just enough of her infectious happiness into him to push his legs to make the last steps through the gangway connection, entering the portal-like doorway that transported him from one train cart to another.
Now burdened with both the significance and immutability of his choice, Vint made sure to tread on every footfall towards the headend of the train, each step holding an unforgiving weight that dared to push him down to his knees if he couldn't push through its unrelenting gravity.
Father and farther, Vint found himself swaying left and right before reaching a stagger in his footsteps, that little boost in confidence he had to start off with could only last so long.
It didn't help with the fact that each and every train cart Vint was walking through was completely identical, diminishing any accomplishing thought of progress as though everything was a looping spiral that led to nowhere but pointless ponder and useless effort.
Moments later, Vint collapsed onto the floor and huddled himself into a fetal position on the floor, anatomically impossible tears streaming down his face as though it came from his very soul, his very much broken soul.
His shit was not together; it was all a face to leave Luna guiltless in his departure.
"Shit . . . I didn't want to leave you behind! What does the world mean to me if the person who gave me that very world isn't there in the first place?!"
Thirty two cycles, or exactly four-hundred and thirty eight point four years worth of time, including an additional twelve years from this cycle, did Vint and Luna spend their time waltzing together in the throes of revolution and scientific dystopia.
On cycle seven, or exactly ninety five point nine years into their relationship as manager and assistant manager, Luna begins to feel the effects of prolonged exposure to a real person, and tries to push for a friendship capable of withstanding a supernova.
Although Vint couldn't exactly keep his memories across cycles, every second that Luna spent planning with him was akin to sharing his very soul with her, and with every cycle did they reunite for another rebellion, Vint could see and experience pieces of himself left inside from previous cycles, giving back a visceral sense of emotions that got ever-so stronger.
Their friendship had come to a point where they could high-five each other in the streets at the start of a cycle, talk it out in a near cafe, and start an entire work relationship from then and there on.
"You could've so easily gotten your happy ending, you could've been just a little bit more selfish for yourself and nabbed the chance for our retirement . . . so why didn't you, Luna?! You know I would've been so much happier doing that than this . . . " Vint spoke in remorse, killing any dignity he had while leaving as he wiped both snot and tears with his sleeves.
But, of course, there was no one there to answer him, to comfort him, to smack him upright to own up to his decision . . .
. . . there was only himself to do such a thing.
Speaking of which, why had Vint even agreed to leave in the first place?
Why had he, the person who was winning so much about leaving someone Vint had valued more than himself in this very moment, choose the decision that would contradict that very behavior now?
It could be possible that he was pressured by Luna to pursue that decision, but no, that would be betraying Luna's very words that her influence was not wanted in his decision, words that he couldn't even dare to cheat out of lest he wished to be drowned in the guilt of his own cowardice.
Maybe it was some sort of inner subconscious that still held memories of the outside, ones that knew the importance of making such a decision, but no, it was made very clear to him that all memories would and have been wiped, and Vint would like to trust Luna.
Nonetheless, he couldn't reach an answer . . .
. . . but he could reach an understanding.
An understanding that this was his conscious mind that made the decision in the first place, and that to cave into such an ambivalent comfort, into a pointless and purposeless spiral would be unbecoming of him.
Never mind his masculinity, especially because Vint was bawling out his eyes right now on the floor, it's because of his character that he would take responsibility for his choices.
Decisions have to be made, no matter how hard it is to make them.
It's okay to cry, to find yourself at a standstill, at the coming disparities of the future, but no matter what, you have to live through your actions through and through. Because, otherwise, you're left stuck in a spiral that goes nowhere; neither outward nor inward, neither backward or forward.
Go at your own pace, listen to yourself just as much as you listen others and vice versa, it's how birds learn to fly.
Run if you must, it's how you begin to fly.
Walk if you must, it's how you start to run.
Crawl if you must, it's how you finally walk.
But by all the words you can muster, by all the memories you can remember, by all the wishes you pray for, you must advance forward . . .
. . . even if you must crawl, so long as you keep your pace forward.
And so, Vint opened the set of eyes he hadn't even known to close, presenting is surroundings in a shade of blue with a big red arrow that pointed forward to the headend of the train, crawling forth as though it had baptized him from his uncertainty.
With his feet pushing against the floor to propel himself forward, Vint crawled with a sense of bewitchment.
For all the judgement that Vint could make in the moment, it could've all been some sort of sick delusion made up by his ill mind. But, in that exact same moment, Vint gave into that vivid sense purpose right before his very eyes, right before the windows to his soul.
With each of his hand putting themselves over one another to drag himself forward, Vint crawled with a sense of progress.
What seemed like a stagnant journey into nowhere but an endless line of train carts now marked a sense of accomplishment and advancement, no matter what sort of logic was running ceaselessly to tell Vint that it was impossible to distinct each train cart from each other to see milestones of his crawl.
It didn't matter, however, as the red arrow that was supposed to be reasoned as nonsensical madness made by the sheer insanity of his mind dispelled the weight of truth and logic.
Vint kicked his legs to push himself into a staggering walk, but this time, with a sense of balance.
Every rumbling and shaking that the train took to threaten Vint's fall couldn't bring him down onto his knees, an arrow made redder than madness taught him the footwork to stabilize and move forward.
With a sway of his arms that stabilized the swing of his body instead of adding momentum to his downfall, Vint walked with a sense of equilibrium.
The weight of every step that had burdened Vint once before was now being met with an opposing strength equal to its gravity, effectively nullifying it even if each and every step forward gradually grew its crushing weight.
It didn't matter, however, as Vint knew that he must trial the agony that came with following the ever-maddening red arrow before him. To pursue purpose means to pursue difficulty and pain, after all, and it wouldn't be any wiser to do it lesser than how it's given.
Now unheeding to binding logic in favor of dreamful magic, now certain of his grasp of self in the world mad with blue, Vint thundered his feet against the marmoleum train floor as he grew the momentum to run free from the physical world that chained his mind to see life as it is, not what it should be.
The world presented before his eyes spoke of a mute majesty so beautiful that Vint couldn't believe that had lived so much of his life having not once anticipate the glamour that life could present in an optimistic future.
As the world blurred between physical reality and flooding memories, Vint stretched out his hands in a painful attempt to grasp it all inside his grasp, the current of once-deluded dreams escaping through the space between his finger as the red arrow ensured his grip on itself so that Vint couldn't lose himself in the blinding legacies of his soul.
From trying to write some magnum opus to drinking taro boba tea to declaring war on fantasy creatures to world domination, the colorful canvas of Vint's history had given him a palette of life that painted hues of beauty he could never had begun to imagine before.
At this point, Vint had forgotten any sort of weight pulling him down, incapable of distinguishing that feeling of running and flying as the red arrow, no, his very purpose drove him farther and farther forward and . . .
. . . before he knew it, Vint found himself at the pointed end of the arrow he so blindly ran towards, reality descending back to his senses as he saw the stone-cold back of a man standing dead-center of the train's cockpit.
Without any sort of sliding friction or continuing momentum to hint at the freeing speeds he was running at, Vint had to move from side to side in order to regain some sort of balance, like a drunkard trying to sober up. Once at an acceptable amount of equilibrium, Vint tried to focus on the figure in front of him.
The man stood to be just short of Vint's height, estimated around five foot eleven, and had slicked-back hair as thought to emanate a sharp, profession aura around him.
Despite having no memories of the man's lab coat, Vint felt a zap in his brain as though it had some sort of nostalgic value to him. It was embroidered with a half gear, half Earth emblem that showed many years of age. On the boundary of the emblem's split, the words 'Homo Novus' could be easily read, though it had given Vint a mild case of eye strain trying to read it.
But the real eye catcher here for Vint was that the very same red arrow he had followed to get here was snaking around the man's fingers, soon spinning it around his index finger like a toy hoop to play around with.
The man opened his mouth and spoke with a gloom that felt all too natural to him, {I apologize if our memories were too much for you to handle, Vint. I had to limit your recovery just enough to make a healthy assimilation of our memories while allowing me to be here. But that only leaves me with a short time frame to talk to you, if it's a talk at all.
Before I become just another placeholder in your memories, another echo inside your mind, answer me this---will you accept me as apart of who you are, no matter what you see?}
"Uh . . . yes?"
{Thank you, that's all I need.} The man spoke with earnest gratitude, turning around for Vint to burn the sight of his past into his soul.
An undershirt dried in blood, a face malformed by countless scars, especially around the eyelids, eye bags so deep and dark that you could compare it to some of the most horribly overworked animators at MAPPA studios---the man, no, 'Vint' held a past that gave no basis on what Vint should even expect to experience in his memories.
But the most notable detail that Vint saw in his past self was, of course, the eyes.
Bizarrely enough, there was a small pocket space of darkness between the eye socket of 'Vint' and his actual eyeballs, but Vint didn't pay much mind to it. Instead, it was the irises of such eyes that he payed the most attention to.
Although the design was different from the eyeball he had seen in the box, considering how both eyes had the weird iris instead of one, Vint could instinctually tell that they were his soul.
Rather than the spiraling arrow that was difficult to determine whether it was spinning inward or outward, the iris of 'his' eyeballs was an arrow that simply pointed forward and only forward.
{I'm no longer the beholder of this soul; I have long since betrayed its memories and thus, will never see through its window. It's yours now, and I hope you don't repeat my mistakes.}
"What?"
Just a few moments after Vint had met 'his' eyes, 'Vint' had disappeared from the physical world to assimilate into his memories.
All that was left of him being his floating pair of eyes, freakily enough.
" . . . . . . . it's my reflection." Vint had finally realized.
Just as 'he' had said, they weren't the eyes of 'Vint' but rather Vint's very own soul that was both looking through and at with his reflected image. Having left that mental landscape of a spiral, his soul grew in accordance to Vint's change and now represented his linear purpose to move forward and only forward.
And as of right now, what Vint's soul was leading him towards was the train's intercom mic, one that allowed for one last message to Luna.
'For real this time . . . '
Taking the position of his past self, Vint casually tidied himself up into a respectable form and picked up the mic. As expected of metal that hadn't seen the light of day, a chilly feeling permeated through his hands, but Vint only found that it gave him a sort of calm and solemn atmosphere to concentrate in.
"Ehem! Testing, testing, can you hear me dear passengers?" Vint started loud and proud as his voice echoed from the train carts behind him, "Good! Good. Now, I know you said you didn't like formal goodbyes, but it's good sometimes for a proper closure, don't you think?
Don't worry, it won't all be neat and formal. Oh, and while we're at it, you don't mind it being a train metaphor, do you? We are one a train after all.
For my first stop, I was a bitch just as lost as I was this time around.
As much as I can scrap around for my scattered memories, I lost a writing scholarship contest using the novel that you said we essentially live in and found myself in some sort of depression because what was supposed to be my magnum opus was just a load of magnum dongs up my arse.
For my second stop, I was reincarnated into the novel of the person who had won that writing scholarship along with herself as well.
It was, like, a bunch of fantasy stuff with magic and dragons, and I hated the whole reincarnation through and through. So, apparently, I built up a bunch of power and waged war on everyone else.
Anyways, I died and got booted into our third stop, a place you and I know most familiarly.
I don't exactly have all the details of every past cycle, as does any other stop I've described from the sheer proportions of a lifetime's, no, lifetimes' worth of memories, but I do know I was the happiest here than anywhere else I've been, so thank you, Luna.
And, for my fourth stop . . . "
Particles of golden light began seeping into the current of purple that the train ripped through in order to travel, a clear indicator that the buildup of Wave energy at the labs had exploded.
Vint felt water build up behind his eyes.
" . . . for my fourth stop, I'll be seeing the outside world and all the things it has to offer. I don't know how I'll be doing, maybe as a newborn or a stark-naked adult just wandering the Sahara desert, but I promise you I'll . . . sniff . . . be the best that I can. Ah, shit, I'm tearing up over here.
Agh, well, sniff, shit, I can't lie to you for our goodbye, not even a white lie, sniff. You know what? Sniff. Fuck yo guiltless-ass wannabe, if you're gonna be my bestest friend here, Luna, then I gotta share my non-handled shit with you to carry with me.
Listen, Luna! Sniff. I can't promise you that I'll be finessing everything in front my path, but I can sure as hell promise you I won't be in, sniff, the flippin' dumps of a trashcan!
I'm really fucking scared of what the future has in store for me. From the things I see from my memories, as vague as they might be, I've done some fucked up stuff, enough for me to fear the retribution I might face as revenge.
War is terrible, Luna. I've killed hundreds of thousands, if not millions of people from what I can see. Fathers, mothers, children, elders---there was no difference in who I would kill to satisfy that unfathomable wrath I had for that very world. As the line gets thinner between who I am now and who the monster I saw in my memories, I'm scared of the things I might do to the people around me if I try to live normally, but . . . "
The train's windscreen began to gradually crack as rivers of golden light increasing pressure against its tempered glass.
Vint didn't flinch one bit.
" . . . I promised myself that I would be able to accept this past as me, quite literally. Like, when I first entered the train's cockpit, there was this hologram-lookin' fella standing in the center of the room, and as it turns out, it was me from the past! Wacky, don't you think so?
And what do you think he said? Well, I kinda already gave you the answer, but yea, he made me promise I could accept my past, and I don't pussy out on promises, you should know!
So . . . I think I'll be alright. Nothing more, nothing less, just alright. Please worry for me, Luna, but not too much, okay? I'll be alright . . .
. . . just alright."
Vint put down the intercom mic, not exactly happy but more than satisfied with his ending message.
No lies made white, no truth made black, just good and pure honesty that he'll be alright, that he can trial against the unknown storm before him, even if he might not make it out in one piece.
'But what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, I guess . . .'
A blinding light of gold pierced through the train's tempered glass, shattering it in an instant as it could no longer hold against its explosive resonant force.
In just moments after his one and only protection against psuedo-space shattered into fragments, the powerful resonant force of the golden light overwhelmed the Waves produced by Vint's body and he became just another period of frequency for the Waves of light.
But nearing his death, Vint hadn't seen a flash of regretful memories or some heaven-like light at the end of a dark tunnel, rather, it was the foresight that his end wasn't here.
Vint's journey had begun anew as fate beheld but a single line of thread, one needled by the pointed end of his purposed arrow as he had reached the first stage of Soul manifestation---The Sense.