This is the end. Seven stories. A hell of a ride. I apologise to anyone who I failed to offend. Thanks for taking the time to read it. For me, it was a pleasure to write it.
A pleasure?
Can you imagine how it feels when you walk on the beach after an exciting day of writing, still laughing about the jokes you've just made up, feeling wonderful about how the story goes, music on your headphone, the album «Welcome to the Pleasuredome» by Frankie Goes to Hollywood, and when you listen to all those fantastic songs… another idea pops up, and another one, and something funny to go with it, so after you return home, you take the laptop and start writing again… Pleasure? Work? «That ain't working. That's the way you do it», Sting and Mark Knopfler sing in «Money For Nothing». That ain't working. That's living a dream and enjoying it at the max. Nothing left to wish for.
One thing was different between writing this LSD series and other books: little miracles happened, like magic. When I start writing a story, I like to start with the ending, so I'll know where I'm going. I started the chapter San José when #5, The Runner (Benny in this book) and Frieda are sitting in the car, not knowing what to do. Benny puts the radio on to listen to some music. I didn't want to drop in the middle of the song San José, so I thought it would be nice to hear something else first. Nat King Cole came up. I wrote the lines and did research on Mister Cole, to see if there was something I could use (the story about him, buying a flat in a white neighbourhood). Then I read about the father of Nat King Cole, a butcher, like Benny's father. San José, Saint Joseph, is the father of Jesus, with a link to the church where Agneta married. The song «San José» goes about going home after chasing an impossible dream, which makes Benny think of the house of his father. Any writer would like to start the chapter with an unforgettable song from an artist who has some kind of link to the father of Benny, but it would take years of research to find one artist whose father was a butcher. Nat King Cole just dropped from the sky, the perfect start of the chapter, a little miracle. The High Powers, who pull the strings in this universe, might just have given my books their blessing.
Another item was the date of birth of #5: the 24th of June, 1995 (it has a meaning; it was the day on which the South African rugby team won the World Cup, the day on which Nelson Mandela showed the world what we can achieve when black, white and coloured work together). After I set this date, I did research on the Chinese astrology for that year, the Yin Wood character of the Pig, and the Zodiac astrology for the characteristics of Cancer. I wanted to use some of the info in book 5, «The Austrian Aroma», when Shirley defends her belief in astrology and Higher Powers. The results were impossibly accurate: every quality I found was already part of the character of #5, a character I invented a year earlier and followed through four entire novels. Of course, nobody believes in astrology, but so much coincidence is not possible in normal life. Like people in the old days, I have only one explanation: another little miracle happened here.
How many songs do you know with the word 'butcher' in them? How many of them also have a line about a banker (tycoon) in debt? «You've Got Me Rocking» fitted the chapter like a glove. Another little miracle helped me to write a better plot.
Two weeks before I started with book 4, «The Spanish Spotlight», I still didn't have any idea how to fix a major dilemma in the plot. At that time, I tried to help a writer-friend from Canada with a problem he had, and… in one of his e-mails, he put the exact words I needed to solve my problem. Coincidence?
How about this: at the start of the project, I 'invented' all the main characters of the seven stories, worked out the details about them, and wrote already a few snippets to get to know them better. Four weeks before I started to write book 5, «The Austrian Aroma»… I met Shirley in person, and she became a lovely friend. Well, she's not Shirley exactly. The name of the woman I met was two whole letters apart from "Little Maria from Austria" and she has only almost the same physics, hobbies and character as the Shirley I invented. How many people do you know who have a direct line with the High Powers and tell you about future events like Shirley? My friend Little Maria does it all the time. Coincidence? I call it «a little miracle».
Perhaps those little miracles didn't have much influence on the story, but they did have a lot of influence on my mood, my confidence, and my happiness when I wrote this book. I hope you noticed that when you read it. That's the thing with little miracles: they cause a snowball effect of happiness.
I'm old. The advantage of being old is that I lived in those sixties, seventies and eighties, when the best music in the history of humanity was made. I grew up with Alice Cooper. I love Queen, U2, AC/DC, the J. Geils Band, Santana, Van Halen and Joe Jackson. My personal number one is The Rolling Stones. The best album ever made? I don't think twice: «Welcome to the Pleasuredome» by Frankie Goes to Hollywood.
The title of every chapter of every one of these seven books refers to a song, as a tribute to all those artists who gave me so many happy hours. And now, when I listen to any of these chapter-songs, they have become better, thanks to an extra layer of fun, an extra dimension of happiness, because they remind me of a nice joke, a great scene, or a funny character. It feels like magic, like a little miracle.
Apart from magic, writing a book is also a lot of hard work. A story has to be clear. The writer has to take care of hor writing. Readers don't appreciate plot holes, and I should tighten up every loose end before you close the book. There is one loose end left, the «playlist», the list of songs that form the chapter titles of these seven spy novels. The artists of these songs deserve their names mentioned, to avoid doubt. For all those youngsters who grow up with the idea there was a black hole between Bach and Bieber: listen and find out. Here and there I added a little anecdote, just some details I like to share, nothing spectacular. Everybody has these kinds of memories about certain songs, concerts, or artists. C.A.S.O. means Contains Also Snippets Of. My lawyer says it's important to mention I did not copy (nor violate the copyright of) any exact lines from these songs, so it's useless to accuse me of making free publicity for other people's art without paying the greedy publishing industry.
BOOK 1 – THE SWISS SUITCASE
(All songs by The Rolling Stones)
1. Start Me Up
2. Gunface
3. Paint It Black
4. Harlem Shuffle
5. Jumping Jack Flash
6. I Wanna Be Your Man
7. Emotional Rescue
C.A.S.O.: Saint Of Me
8. One More Shot
9. Streets of Love
C.A.S.O.: Three Little Birds – Bob Marley and the Wailers
10. Stoned
11. You Got Me Rocking
12. Get Off My Cloud
13. Sister Morphine
14. You Can't Always Get What You Want
15. Sympathy For The Devil
Author: (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction
Extra: It's Only Rock 'n' Roll
BOOK 2 – THE POLISH PROGRAM
1. Fool To Cry – The Rolling Stones
2. House Of Broken Love – Great White
3. More Than A Feeling – Boston
4. Oh Jungleland – Simple Minds *
5. The Boss – Diana Ross
6. In The Shadows – The Rasmus
7. Johnny B. Goode – Chuck Berry º
8. Roxanne – The Police
9. It's My Life – Doctor Alban
10. Light My Fire – The Doors
11. My Ever Changing Moods – The Style Council
12. Black – Pearl Jam
13. Money For Nothing – Dire Straits
14. A Forest – The Cure
15. Taxman – Stevie Ray Vaughan and Double Trouble
16. Ladies' Night – Lil Kim
C.A.S.O.: Ladies' Night – Kool and the Gang
17. Raissa – Strachy Na Lachy
C.A.S.O.: Bed of Nails – Alice Cooper
18. Halo Of Flies – Alice Cooper
19. Black Magic Woman – Santana
20. Let's Work – Mick Jagger
Extra: Don't Fear The Reaper – Blue Oyster Cult
* Little miracles: On a rainy day, long ago, we went to an open-air concert of Simple Minds. During the support act (Simply Red), the rain stopped, and when Jim Kerr stepped on stage… the sun broke through the clouds, as if all the angels in the sky wanted to see that unforgettable show. When the concert was over, it started to rain again, despite all the songs we kept singing until we came home.
º Johnny B. Goode: the version from the film «Back to the Future», with Marty McFly on vocals and lead guitar.
BOOK 3 – THE FRENCH FORMULA
1. The Healer – John Lee Hooker feat. Santana
2. One – Metallica
3. Private Investigations – Dire Straits
4. Pinball Wizard – The Who
5. Roll Over Lay Down – Status Quo
6. Heroes – David Bowie
7. Whole Lotta Rosie – AC/DC
8. Still Got The Blues – Gary Moore
9. Lady Marmalade – LaBelle
10. Beat It – Michael Jackson
11. Message In A Bottle – The Police
12. Under Pressure – Queen ft. David Bowie
13. Still Loving You – The Scorpions
14. Everybody Needs Somebody – The Blues Brothers
C.A.S.O.: The Dream – Albert Collins, Johnny Copeland and Robert Cray
C.A.S.O.: Lady Marmalade – LaBelle
15. What I Like About You – The Romantics
16. Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This) – Marilyn Manson
17. Pride (In The Name Of Love) – U2
18. I'm The Man – Joe Jackson
Extra: Get Up (I Feel Like Being A) Sex Machine – James Brown
BOOK 4 – THE SPANISH SPOTLIGHT
1. Child In Time – Deep Purple
2. Smells Like Teen Spirit – Nirvana
3. Centerfold – J. Geils Band
4. Killing in the Name – Rage Against the Machine
5. Wild Boys – Duran Duran
6. Sweet Child O'Mine – Guns 'n' Roses
7. Hot Stuff – Donna Summer
8. It's Raining Men – The Weather Girls
9. Talk Is Cheap – Johnny Winter
10. Billion Dollar Babies – Alice Cooper
11. Vertigo – U2
12. Señorita – Abraham Mateo
13. Under The Bridge – Red Hot Chili Peppers
Extra: Rock and a Hard Place – The Rolling Stones
BOOK 5 – THE AUSTRIAN AROMA
1. Relight My Fire – Dan Hartman
2. Der Kommissar – Falco
C.A.S.O. Say a Little Prayer – Aretha Franklin
3. Superstition – Stevie Wonder
4. The Ace of Spades - Motörhead
5. Twilight Zone – Golden Earring
6. Tarot Woman – Rainbow
7. Blackjack – Albert Collins, Robert Cray and Johnny Copeland
8. Uptown Funk – Mark Ronson ft Bruno Mars
9. Smoke On The Water – Deep Purple
C.A.S.O. I Will Follow – U2
10. Three Little Birds – Bob Marley
C.A.S.O. Little Wing – Jimi Hendrix
11. Pigs – Pink Floyd
12. Ice Cream Man – Van Halen
13. Don't Stop – Fleetwood Mac
C.A.S.O. Go Your Own Way – Fleetwood Mac
14. Poison – Alice Cooper
C.A.S.O. 1999 – Prince
15. Bohemian Rhapsody – Queen
16. Stairway To Heaven – Led Zeppelin
17. Maria, Maria – Carlos Santana
18. Higher Power – Boston
Extra: Ghostdancing – Simple Minds
C.A.S.O. several other songs (the artists are mentioned in the text)
BOOK 6 – THE MALTESE MANUSCRIPT
1. Noxious Secrets – Love Like Blood *
2. Paranoid – Black Sabbath
3. Hey Joe – Jimi Hendrix a), b)
4. In The End – Linkin' Park a), b), c)
5. Hurricane – Bob Dylan
6. School's Out – Alice Cooper
7. Enter Sandman – Metallica
8. Wang Dang Doodle – Koko Taylor º
9. L'Ombelico del Mondo – Jovanotti a), b), c)
10. Bad Boys – Bob Marley & The Wailers
11. Sunday, Bloody Sunday – U2
12. No More Mister Nice Guy – Alice Cooper
13. The Illustrated Man – Johnny Winter
Extra: Return To Fantasy – Uriah Heep
a) C.A.S.O.: Papa Was A Rolling Stone – The Temptations
b) C.A.S.O.: MacArthur Park – Donna Summer
c) C.A.S.O.: The Dream – Albert Collins, Johnny Copeland and Robert Cray
* Do you believe in «love at first sight»? I believe in «love at first sound» since the first tones of «Noxious Secrets», played by the band Love Like Blood at a free open-air summer music festival. They are the immortal proof that magical music has nothing to do with sales, charts, or airplay. They deserve the honour of being remembered via these stories, perhaps even more than anyone else.
º There had to be a song by Koko Taylor in this saga. I've seen Koko Taylor live. She was the main act at a blues festival in a bullfight arena in a town in Andalucía (Spain). She needed help to walk, she was at an age that she couldn't be on stage during the entire show, but she gave it all and she enjoyed it so much, we all enjoyed it so much… I wanted that night to be remembered: it doesn't matter how old you get; it matters how you get old. Life is there to enjoy, and if you've seen Koko Taylor on that stage, you know what 'enjoy' means.
BOOK 7 – THE SWEDISH SEX BOMB
(All songs from the album 'Welcome To The Pleasuredome' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood)
1. The World Is My Oyster
2. Black Night, White Light
3. Bang!
C.A.S.O. I'm Not in Love – 10CC
4. Ferry (Go)
5. Krisco Kisses
C.A.S.O. Welcome to My Nightmare – Alice Cooper
6. The Only Star in Heaven
7. The Ballad Of 32
8. Well…
9. Snatch Of Fury
C.A.S.O. Anybody Seen My Baby – The Rolling Stones
C.A.S.O. With Or Without You – U2
10. Two Tribes
11. Born To Run
12. Wish
13. War
14. Relax
15. San José
16. The Power of Love
Author: (Tag)
Extra: Welcome to the Pleasuredome
The reason for all the Santana Sentences in this book is: the 9th of August, 2018. After one of the best live concerts ever, Carlos Santana asked us: "Ayúdanos a hacer milagros y bendiciones para curar el planeta con una sonrisa", to perform miracles, together, and cure our planet with a smile. This is my answer and my contribution, Carlos. Your inspiration forms an important part of it. You make that guitar cry like Frieda in the first chapters, but your music is The Healer too and NOBODY ever loves you like I do.
BOOK 8 – THE PACIFIC PLEASURE
(This novel will never be written. Novels deal with conflict. Nobody is interested in two people who live happily ever after. But to finish the story, it is good to know at least the chapters they went through)
1. A Man And A Woman – U2
2. Is This Love – Whitesnake
3. Bad Case Of Loving You – Robert Palmer
4. Mad About The Boy – Dinah Washington
5. White Wedding – Billy Idol
6. Good Life – Inner City
7. Live With Me – The Rolling Stones
8. It's My House – Diana Ross
9. Love Shack – The B-52's
10. My Baby Just Cares For Me – Nina Simone
11. Close To You – Maxi Priest
12. Livin' On A Prayer – Bon Jovi
13. Ain't Nobody (Love Me Better) – Rufus and Chaka Khan
14. You're Everything – Kristine Kelman
15. I Can Make You Feel Good – Shalamar
16. I Was Made For Loving You - Kiss
17. Take My Breath Away – Berlin
18. Well, All Right – Santana
19. The Power Of Love – Huey Lewis and the News
There is one extra surprise, a ninth book, filled with 47 short stories, for the die-hards, for the real spies who want to work for it. I'm not going to tell you the title, but as soon as you read it, you'll know you've found it. I'm not going to tell you where to look, but it's available for everyone, for free. That should be enough info. Go out there and have a look. Don't give up. There's a reason I put so much heavy foreshadowing in «The Austrian Aroma»: readers like it when they can tell the writer: "I'm good. I knew this". I wanted that novel to be interactive. There's a reason for this ninth book too: I want this to be a dialogue, I want readers to respond, to start moving, to make things happen. If you want something, anything, you'll have to do the work to get it. The power to save the world is in your hands.
* * *
Winning an Olympic gold medal or the Champions League is a moment you'll never forget. It's an intense feeling of happiness; every time you'll see that trophy, you'll relive that moment and that wonderful feeling. Writing a story, or seven novels and a bunch of short stories, is perhaps not such an achievement as winning the Champions League, but the feeling of happiness is the same. When you feel sad or when you have doubts, you just read it again and think: «I have nothing to fear because I wrote a great story». The best part is when you receive an email from a reader, something like «I liked your story, thank you». It's always an unexpected but pleasant surprise when somebody lets you know you did something that made them happy, even if that happiness only lasts for the time it takes to read a book, or that second when you laugh about something funny. Therefore, a big THANK YOU to everyone who made great music, all the writers of great books and all the people who made great films: you made the difference between a life that consists of dying after paying taxes, and the life I had, which wasn't always easy, but at the end, it was fascinating and fulfilling, thanks to all those wonderful moments you gave me with your art. I hope I contributed something to the tradition.
I have one final wish (and I want that to stay a wish as long as possible): when my trip is over, when they shovel my coffin in the eternal flames so my ashes return to ashes, I would like the song «Welcome to the Pleasuredome» to come out of the speakers, full volume. I don't know if death is the end or if there will be something after it, but I like to believe, as long as I'm not sure, that there will be something. You can call that heaven, or Walhalla, or paradise or whatever you like, but I like to call that place Pleasuredome, erected in Xanadu by Kublai Khan. So that's where you can find me, in case you miss me. I'll be there, sitting with a cool drink or a hot coffee, reading a great book, distracted now and then by beautiful women, passing by. Not as good as that walk on the beach I mentioned before, but good enough for second place.
Some final remarks about writing. I've added a few new elements to the tradition. I've invented new words like 'hor' and 'horself'. As a reward for every reader who finishes the book, I've invented the Extra. I've invented a new literary figure, the Ronaldito. A Ronaldito is a more-or-less familiar text, usually a snippet from the lyrics of a song, slightly changed and taken out of context, to get a surprising effect, for example «pleased to meat you» before you put someone in a grinder. I've invented a new genre, the Save-the-world-genre (I call it «fun-fixion»). Its characteristics are humour, a great plot and 'lessons of life' that might help readers to become happier and help us fix our problems in the real world. I've added a new dimension of interaction between music and literature. I've done things that were never done before, and that in a 2.000-year-old tradition of billions of people. Impossible doesn't exist. Ideas, like every other life-form, follow the path of Survival of the Fittest. If we're not happy with the animal behaviour of our ancestors, we'll need one new generation who decides to do a better job. You're that generation. I've tried to share my ideas. The majority always wins. Impossible is nothing. If you're intelligent, you can figure it out. Together, united, we're invincible. You write the next chapter. My job is finished. My mission is over.
Before I end this story like a really good story of fiction should end, there's one final miracle. It's the end that nobody saw coming. It's the magic that no other book of fiction has. This isn't the end. It's a new beginning.
Many little miracles can create one big one. When I was halfway through writing The Swedish Sex Bomb, a Goddess fell from the sky. Her flight was late, but worth the wait: it was Frieda. The fictional Frieda I had in mind when I wrote the story materialised into a real-life miracle. She wanted a business meeting and asked for my help. She had some black spots on her soul and they started to hurt. No problem, I do that all the time and (thanks to Malik) I learnt how to play the strings of Frankenstein. The pleasure was all mine: with her words and her incredible smile, she turned the painful scars on my own soul into funny comic characters. On 22-2-2018, I made her a promise: "Trust me. Everything will be alright." That's «Tell». For «Show»: see below.
After the meeting, on my way back from the airport, I turned on the radio and Robert Palmer started to sing (although I still believe it was Shirley, speaking): «Bad case of loving you.» To put this into understandable proportions: me, a poor, ugly and stupid first-floor boy, not only found out what sort of divine creatures live on the fifth floor (she's rich and successful, she's highly intelligent, different from the Frieda in the book is she a Goddess of beauty, but she's so much more… she's an amazing woman), but I also discovered I was mentally ill enough to fall in love with her. Why would a fifth-floor Goddess be interested in a first-floor man? Every ugly duckling looks up to that beautiful white swan, but… only in fiction, that swan dreams of the little duckling.
Impossible?
HA! Impossible is nothing.
In fiction, we have Cinderella stories. In fiction, the impossible comes true. If you want a dream to come true, you have to write fiction that becomes reality. That's easy. I do it all the time. My fictional characters Shirley and Frieda came alive…
If I, the duckling, want that swan, I have to grow. I have to get out of that first-floor gutter of animal behaviour and start climbing the stairs of the Mount of Olympus, all the way to the top, to level 5, where she will be waiting for me. I'm sure she will be waiting: it's lonely at the top. My Goddess is still single…
Amazing women inspire men to do the impossible. Come on, baby, light my fire. You make me want to be a better man. Love is trust, respect, and commitment. Show and tell. If I need to save the world to show you my commitment, I will. If you want me to show you how much I respect you: I don't care if you live at the other end of the world; if we can only meet one day every ten years, that day will be worth it. And to show you trust, I refer to my promise of 22-2-2018: everything will be alright.
Decide if this happy end is alright with you. I'll try to explain my dream to you:
This LSD series will become a success. David Baldacci sold over 100 million books and I write better plots than David Baldacci. That, plus the films, plus the Nobel Prize (for Economy, not for Literature, of course) will generate enough money to start a company with the name SecretAppy Ltd, based on Haiti. SecretAppy will hire many jobless futureless people to plant rainforest, give a salary to poor children for going to school, and inspire the rest of the country to start businesses and support each other (for the complete business plan, I refer to «The Polish Program»). My fiction of «solving all the poverty on Haïti» will become a real-world miracle. But I can't run that show. I have to write, to guarantee the income of SecretAppy. It can only become a success when a woman, intelligent and divine, organizes that business and inspires those people. I can't save the world alone. I need you. I need you to turn my fixion into humanity's future. If we want this world to be a better place for the 40.000 children on Haiti that I'd like to have (adopted) with you, we'll have to do this together. We'll need the Power of Love to create the Pleasuredome I have in mind.
I know, every other man needs only three words to tell the woman of his dreams that he loves her. I needed over half a million words, and if it's not enough, I won't hesitate, I'll write another series, an even better one, so I'm feeling silly and stupid now, and I don't know what to say, and it's so easy to make a fool of myself in the eyes of 100 million readers, but you gave me a courage transfusion and I'm not afraid, on the contrary, when the world laughs at me, I made 7 billion people happy, and only the funniest writer in Dutch literary history can say such a thing, so I'm not going to waste more time:
You are an amazing woman.
I love you.
Do you want to marry me?
I promised you that "everything would be alright". I promised you a happy ending. In fiction, it means a kiss and a wedding. But this isn't an ending. It's a beginning. It's the start of a new era, the Era of Truth, which will lead to world peace and happiness for every individual. We start with Haiti. When that works, every woman in the world will slap her man on the back of his head and tell him: "Why don't YOU save the world to show me how much you love me? Get up, get on up, sex machine, and start making love instead of war, start building futures instead of walls, start learning so you can teach your children the difference between good and bad." Women are like that, you know. Level 5 is there to inspire women so they can inspire men to do incredible things. When all the women in the world have read my books and have seen what you can do, they will no longer be satisfied, living in a bat cave with a TV monkey; they will inspire the monkey like you inspired me. And that's how it starts. That's how the Era of Power becomes the Era of Truth. That's quite a dream. But if I don't dream big, miracles like you never happen.
So take your time before you answer the question. You don't even have to say "I Do". Just one kiss would be okay. For one kiss from you, I do the impossible. I'm just not sure if the impossible is enough. Level 5 is only there to prove that women are never satisfied…
* * *
There is one final thing I owe you, dear reader: your reward for finishing this book, an extra chapter, like in all the other books of the series. And, of course, in this book, there is only one title fit for that final extra.