"I knew you guys would never try to understand me. I knew you would disrespect my decision but I have gained more than Dad tries to earn in a month. I earn that income in a day."
I unbuttoned my abaya and removed my hijab, running my hands through my hair as I revealed my Western outfit. I was wearing skinny jeans with a short collarless plaid shirt with short sleeves.
My mother's breath caught in her throat as she glared at me while the men of the house had widened eyes.
"This is who I am," I utter. "I have brands running after me. Sponsors who want to collaborate and people who want to take pictures with me. Everyone loves me for what I do." I finally finished.
Papa remained frozen in his seat as he looked into nothingness while Tahir was the one to spring up from his seat and head towards me with furious eyes.
"Our deen (religion) emphasizes parda to protect women. Islam is not their enemy. It wants to save women from any disrespectful stare, to prevent a man who'd fall for her looks only. To dignify her status in front of the world that 'She isn't someone who can be touched easily!'" He emphasizes while shaking my shoulders and I push his hands away.
"Why should I do parda? Men should fix their stares to the ground instead." I spat.
"I don't believe I'm talking to my sister who was shy and hesitant before. How many men are you going to ask to stop looking at you? Do you have command over them or you're much better at saving yourself?" He reasons and I rolled my eyes.
"Tahir, you're being too pessimistic about my situation. People love me, they are willing to die after me. And besides you're uneasy because you've read about some girl who suicide because of the internet, she was just not strong enough. We can't live like this anymore, confined in our shells, we have to move with the world. And the world has changed, it has become a better place."
He clicked his tongue and shook his head with a frown. "The world may seem to be changing Aisha but men and women are by nature the same. They need what they needed hundreds of years ago to live peacefully."
"I'll show you my bank account that'll convince you…" I fished my phone from my back pocket and turned to him but he threw my phone out of my hands.
"I don't want to see your haram income that you earned through practically selling your body. What is the difference between you and a prostitute?" He hisses at me and I flinch at his words laced with hatred.
"I'll never convince you all, could I?" Tears sprung from my eyes, and suddenly the doorbell rang.
My mom quickly covered my body with her dupatta and left to fetch another for herself while Tahir went to check the door before eyeing me. My father was still frozen in his seat as he was in great shock.
I heard a few murmurs on the doorstep before a new figure appeared in the living room beside Tahir.
It was Hazek.
"Beta Hazek, it's nice to see you here. I hope everything's fine at your home?" Mom had emerged into the room with her mask and dupatta.
"Yeah, Aunty. I just wanted to tell you guys that…"
I looked at him and his eyes were fixated on the ground as if he was struggling with himself to speak but I can make a guess on this.
He was here to confess something and I could tell just by his look that he intends to expose me.
"Aisha didn't do anything." He speaks and all heads turn towards him. "Actually I… I blackmailed her friend, Sana." My eyes widened as Hazek continued to speak. "They were getting immense attention from the people in uni and I couldn't stand and pressured her to stop Aisha and in retaliation she made me prove wrong. If it wasn't for me then… Aisha wouldn't have been consistently uploading her videos."
Was I struck by the lightning or was I hallucinating? Why was he saying what he never confessed in front of me? He never accepted Sana's side of the story before? Was he trying to protect me?
Why?
"Please don't point fingers at her. It was all my fault." He held his head low and I couldn't utter a word.
How selfish was I? He was defending me even after standing against me while I was the one exploiting him.
"She is not a baby, Hazek," Tahir speaks up. "Even if you forced her friend it was because you wanted the best for her. You cared about us. Meanwhile, she didn't spare us any honor and didn't consider our feelings in any of this. Islam doesn't teach you to think selfishly. Islam speaks for everyone in unison. We are a family, we are meant to protect each other, and had she considered us something she wouldn't have done it in the first place."
"I was disgusted when I saw my colleagues watching her videos in the office as they laughed with their heads joined together. Their eyes were filled with lust. Can you feel the humiliation I went through? They didn't even know that she was my sister and I for once was glad about it!"
"Enough!" Dad's voice roared through the living room. "I want to talk to her. In private." He stood up and for the first time since my arrival, he looked me in the eyes.
Everyone slowly left the room until both of us remained. Father patted the sofa seat next to him and I obliged, taking a place beside him.
"What has happened, has happened. We can't undo the past but now what do you want to do?" Father asks.
My thoughts wandered to the TikToks I have posted, the gazillion comments I've received both good and bad ones, how they've affected me and made me feel loved, and the people I've met around who wanted nothing but to have a picture with me, and then my mind wandered towards David.
How we met and how loved he made me feel. He even respected my decision to marry me before touching me. My friend Sana who has been my constant support and with whose help I've gained a name in the industry of influencers.
But suddenly my thoughts were deluded by glimpses of Hazek's image, when he stood up in the cafeteria line for me because it was too crowded, and gave me his place in the auditorium despite our sullen differences. My brother with whom I shared countless laughs and my parents who raised me to become a better person… but those glimpses were too short-lived with the ones I had of David in my head.
"Dad… I want to be free." I utter. "I want to become an influencer."
Dad's lips pursed and I could see he was trying hard to control his emotions from spilling through his eyes.
"You're out of the age where I would tell you what to do. I remember I raised you right, never letting you be near the forbidden stuff (According to Islamic laws) and now you know both good and bad for yourself. You have the right to choose as of today." Father sighs. "You can become whatever you want."
My smile broadens at Father's words.
"But it doesn't mean I approve of it." My smile falters at his statement. "It only means that this family would have nothing to do with your choices. We don't want your money or your fame. It is all yours to keep you happy."
"Father…" I stood up after he stood up from his seat, facing front while his back was turned to me.
"Let's break this engagement off with Hazek and inform his family." His voice icy cold and empty and with that, he walks out of the living room without sparing me a glance.
I should be happy right? This is what I wanted from the beginning but why in the world do I feel I have lost the world?
~~~
A few days passed. My engagement with Hazek ended on good terms, neither Aunt Najma nor Uncle Waleed questioned my decision. By now they would've known the actual reason.
Things were heading my way, I went to uni while dating David. I was going on different photo shoots for brands, I was able to buy what I wanted and what I couldn't have afforded on my father's small income. I should feel whole and content then why was I empty inside?
Maybe it was because of how I was treated back at home. No one talked to me, they didn't spare a glance my way, I wasn't part of the conversation at the dinner table, it felt as if I was a stranger to them. I was being treated the complete opposite of how people treated me outside of home.
And Hazek…
I was the one to push him away first and now he felt like someone deliberately hiding among the crowd.