Moving the stick with my dinner on it away from the fire, I look around to make sure my makeshift house is holding up against the wind. It may sway a little bit, but it's been sturdy so far. I'd never thought I'd be lucky to be a slave, but all that knowledge from before is coming in handy now. Like how crumpling up paper and stuffing them into your layers of clothes can help keep you warm on harsher nights like this one. Sipping the tea, that Zipporah was kind enough to give me before shutting down the shop, and checking that all my ropes are tight one last time before sitting down to eat.
Rabbit isn't much of a dinner, but it's better than nothing. I'd usually try to save the hide, but I don't have the energy or patience for that tonight. Keeping an eye on the sky to keep track of time I start to notice that it's later than I had thought. Need to hurry this up so I can snuff out the fire and go crawl into my tent. I went and purchased some large pieces of cloth from a clothing store that they were going to throw out. Between that, rope, and a few large logs I had found laying around here, it didn't take long to make somewhere to sleep. Discreetly purchasing magic to protect it from anything that would come by in the middle of the night or when I'm not here, was a much harder task than I had anticipated, but it eventually had gotten done. Finding hay was a challenge, but thanks to a nice elderly farmer in town I managed to buy some for cheap also. It's not extremely comfortable to sleep on, but with enough blankets it gets the job done.
Some creatures howl in the distance and that's my cue to call it a night. Pushing my gear over to the other side of the small space, I crawl in and settle myself down for the night. I feel exhausted after today's events, but my mind won't stop racing. Pulling my blankets in tighter, buried up to my frozen nose, my thoughts wonder and eventually land on Suluk yet again.
This past year without him has been difficult. We've been civil, but after that night everything changed. I haven't been able to confide in him like I used to. Not seeing him at the shop to pick me up when my shift was over broke a little piece of my soul every time. I've thrown myself into work, and fixed things up around the house whether they needed it or not. I've been distracting myself until I would collapse on the couch or in bed at the end of the day. I've never really faced this pain, until now. When they kicked me out of that house and Zipporah shut down the shop I was thrown back to square one. I've now had too much time on my hands, and staying at the inn wasn't helping. So I've reverted back to the only thing I've ever known. Being out in the forest, alone, and it at least gives me something to do. Although without interaction from others my thoughts have become deafening.
Something flapping above the tent gives me pause, worried that maybe all that snow, branches and dead brush wasn't enough of a disguise now. Holding my breath all I can do is wait to see if it'll swoop down and see if there's a snack waiting in here. After what feels like an eternity it finally flies away. Hearing its large wings flapping away helps my heart rate return to normal. Soon after sleep sings its alluring song yet again, making me close my eyes and fall into that vast darkness.
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A hog squealing jolts me awake. The deep breath I take out of reflex, now burns my lungs with its icy bite. Pulling the blanket up further, to cover my head completely I revel in the warmth for a moment longer. Not wanting to get up and deal with the bitter cold just beyond the half sealed flap at my feet. My thoughts wander again for a moment. The memory of laying on the couch in Suluks embrace, how warm he was, calls to me like a sirens song. His strong arms around me with his soft, comforting breathing matching mine as we fell asleep. It makes me cry to wonder if I'll ever get to experience it again, or if it'll just remain that; A bittersweet memory.
The smell of cooking meat floats to my nose, calling me out of bed. Still half asleep I wrap a blanket around my shoulders as I start to crawl out of the tent. My mind finally catching up to my actions as my head sticks out to peek, wanting me to pull myself back into the safety of my new bed. This isn't making sense! Why is there cooking meat nearby? That shouldn't be! Unless someone else has come to the forest for refuge, but no one else should be doing that. Looking around in a panic, I don't see anything at first. Looking at where my small fire pit has been dug into the ground, I'm surprised to see a fire roaring, a skinned boar on a spit roast sitting just above that fire. I can't believe my eyes. Is this a dream? It has to be! I don't see any tracks that someone else was here.
Slowly crawling out of the tent, checking my surroundings as my mouth waters from the smell. I'm halfway out when a branch snapping makes my head turn quickly. I nearly faint, or cry, or stop functioning all together when I see Suluk standing there with his arms full of logs. He's stopped just beyond the trees on my left side, frozen in place just staring at me. I can't seem to do anything else either. We both have seemed to just stop functioning, staring unbelieving at one another in this snow-covered forest. That is until my brain works again and I fling myself right back into my tent and nearly start hyperventilating.
"Wait! Ava! I-" His words stop with a loud thwack! I can only assume the cursing that follows was him running into the barrier. Curled up in the back of my tent, blankets around me as the hay shifts from my sudden actions, I can't believe what I'm seeing.
"What are you doing here!?!" I manage to hoarsely yell out to him. I hadn't realized how dry my throat is, until now. And of course the one time I didn't bring a cup in here with me.
"Sevanah showed up talking about how you went missing. She was looking for you and came to ask me if I'd heard anything from you. We are all concerned about you, Ava." His voice is hoarse also, but with something that reminds me of sadness and not dryness like my own.
"I don't see her, or anyone else out there! Just you!" I accuse, slowly scooting towards the front. Still ready to pounce to the back of this small tent if he tries anything again. I doubt he will, since he now knows the barrier is there.
"I-" I hear the deep breath he takes. The long sigh he lets out quickly after. I can just imagine him pinching the bridge of his nose and closing his eyes as he's trying to find his calm right now. "I couldn't sit around and wait for them to get together after what she had told me. She said you'd been missing for a week. That her, Ginger, or Zipporah hadn't heard from you. My worry took over and I raced out to the only place I could think of you going. The only place they wouldn't think to look."
"You came out to the forest because you thought I'd be here?" My heart squeezes in my chest uncomfortably. My face just inches from the opening as I fight tears. Hearing the concern and pain in his voice is breaking me gently.
"You said once you were more comfortable out in the wilderness. It's the only place I thought you would run to that the others wouldn't look." His voice is soft. Snow crunches and I know he's sitting down just beyond the barrier. I hear the small rippling sound it makes as he places his hand on it to see if it's still there. Peeking through the small gap between the pieces of fabric. His eyes look tired and sad as his hand just rests in the air, looking odd as the barrier can't be seen.
"And you remembered that?" I can't believe what I'm hearing.
"How could I forget anything about you?" A whisper. It's a whisper that's louder than a thousand shouted words. A whisper that consumes my entire being. I never knew such softly spoken words could shatter me in a way that only yelling has ever done.
Slowly peeking my head out of the tent, our eyes meet. His hand held up in the air, eyes full of longing and pain that matched my own. Neither one of us move. We don't even breathe in fear that this moment will be ripped away from us. Tears that burn my cheeks slowly streak down my face as my hands become numb from being planted in the snow for so long. His breath catches, as my own rushes out of me at my sudden actions. Wrapping my arms around his neck as I launched myself from the tent to him. It takes a moment but his arms to wrap around my waist. His wings slowly following suit as they wrap around us, trapping us in his warmth. "You're freezing! By the Goddess, Ava!" He squeals as my hands make contact with his bare neck. Making me chuckle out weakly.
"Sorry.." Is all I can manage between breathless chuckles and tears.
"You need some food. It's nearly ready now." He sounds relieved as he buries his face into the crook of my neck and shoulder. Still not moving from this spot as we just hold each other tightly. Like he needs this as much as I do. I haven't stopped thinking about him since that night I broke things off. I know I should pull away, should keep my distance and save us both the heartache that's bound to happen when I make him leave later. All the logic my brain throws at me doesn't make it to my heart, or limbs as I continue to just sit there in this moment with him.
It takes longer than I'd like to admit for us to finally pry out of each other's grasps and sit in front of the fire. Sharing a breakfast as awkward silence accompanies us. Stolen glances quickly turn to looking around at the trees awkwardly, and praying that anything would make a noise, or even run into camp to give us something to talk about. Unfortunately for me, that doesn't happen. Instead the crackling fire and distant thunder are the only noises that fill the space, as we sit across from each other.
"Ava, we have to talk. You can't stay here until the war is over. You'll die of cold or hunger out here." His voice is firm, not matching his soft, pleading eyes.
"Last time I checked, you aren't supposed to be concerned about me any longer." I snap. The hurt on his face is making my chest tighten, but I have to be this way to make it easier on us when he leaves. I'd rather be seen as mean by him now, and apologize later; than be nice and give him anymore hope than I already stupidly have.
"I know it's cold, and I'm sure it's hard out here on your own, but you don't need to push me away like that. I just want to help, Ava. Please let me help you." His eyes are soft, warm, inviting, and pleading. I want to rush over to him and soak in more of that warmth and go with him, wherever that might be. But, I know that will shatter all the progress and hard decisions I've made so far.
"Just go back to whatever you've been doing for the last year. Don't worry about me. This won't work until after the war." I look away to the trees, as rustling in a bush nearby is a good enough excuse to not look into those loving eyes any longer.
"You know that's bullshit! Sure we said some awful things to each other last time we really talked, but I'm willing to apologize and forgive everything! I'm willing to push my feelings on certain matters aside if it means I have you back in my arms! I'm willing to make sacrifices that I wouldn't have otherwise if you hadn't made this stand. I understand now. I'm willing to change, but you have to meet me halfway!" It's one of the few times he's ever raised his voice at me, but I know it's not aggression. Rather he's trying to get my attention and make me look at him. To look into those green eyes and see that he's serious. For me to finally fold and give in to him, but I can't yet.
"You say you've changed, but have you really? Will you let me fight alongside all of you? You'll be able to let me fight on my own without having to be by my side and can without worrying about me? That's what that means…. If you can't do that then it won't work. I'm not leaving and I refuse to have a babysitter while fighting is happening. That's how someone will get hurt or killed." I steal a glance out of the corner of my eye to see his reaction. It's not one I was hoping for, so I already know where this is going to go.
"Ava, please just listen for a moment."
"No Suluk. There's nothing left to say. If it's not a yes then it won't work. I'm not budging on this." I stand and start to head towards the trees, ready to start my day as if he's not here.
"AVA, WHY?! Why do you have to fight?! Why won't you let me help?! Is it so wrong for me to want to protect you?! For me to be selfish on this one thing and want you safe and happy?!" He's standing storming over towards me. His outburst has me frozen in place. The snow slowly soaks into my boots as more approaches. Looks like it'll be a mix of sleet and snow today.
"Why is it so wrong for me to want to fight with you? To help you defend the one place I feel like is home?! What's so wrong about that?" Softly spoken, just above a whisper I think for a moment he hadn't heard me. That he's still approaching, with those heavy steps because he's still trying to make a point. To prove he's right. When I'm abruptly turned around, back placed firmly against a tree trunk with his arms on either side of me. Those hopeful and hurt eyes staring into mine as he lingers over me.
"Fine, we're still deadlocked on this. I'm not letting you go like this. Not letting you stay out here in the cold, all alone. I'm not leaving until we compromise. I'm sorry I'm selfish and want to keep you from fighting. I'm sorry for those nasty things I said in anger. And I'm sorry for what I'm about to do." Well that's not what I thought was going to happen. I'm even more confused as he leans in slowly.
"What are you about to do?" I can't tear my eyes away from his lips as he leans down slowly to be eye level with me.
"Something I've been dreaming about for over a year now." Is the only answer I get before his lips are on mine. Hungry, passionate, fiery, and loving is the only way I know how to describe this kiss. He's never kissed me like that and it sets everything in me on fire. I'm turning into a raging inferno in his arms as he scoops me up and deepens the kiss. My hands tangle in his hair, and I don't even realize we're in the air until it's too late. "You don't have to forgive me, and I can live with that pain. But I couldn't live with myself if I just left you there." He speaks into my ear as I cling to him, afraid of being so high up with another storm approaching.
"Suluk! Don't do this! Just leave me there!" I yell at him over a burst of thunder crashing across the sky.
"Why! Why do you want to be alone there? You don't have to do this!" His yelling catches my attention as snow starts to drift lazily around us.
"I- I can't!" I can't say it. Can't make myself come to say the words that haunt me right now. We land gently on top of a stone building, and yet he still doesn't set me down or let me look away.
"Can't what?" His face is only inches from mine when I turn my head, unable to look at him as I nearly speak what is on my mind. "Can't what, Ava?" He lets my feet hit the stones, but keeps me close as his hand gently takes hold of my jaw and makes me face him.
"I can't do this! I can't keep pretending I'm something I'm not! Can't look at those eyes full of love when I'm so mad at you! I can't hear how much you care for me, when I don't care about me at all! I'm expendable! I'm replaceable! You'll find someone else, but I'll never find anyone like you again! So I have to leave and be alone before my hopes get any higher! Just leave me now! Save me that heartache and do it now while I'm still shattered!" The words are slightly broken and rushed as sobs race through me. His eyes widen at my confession, his breathing has stopped and his fingers go slack on my jaw.
"You don't mean that… right?" He sounds as broken as I feel. How vulnerable I am, standing on this roof, in the storm, with him standing right before me. I'm surprised to not see judgment, or resentment, or even distaste. Only sadness, hurt, pain, sorrow, and understanding lay within his teary gaze.
"Just leave me already. Go find happiness somewhere else. Go find someone better to be with and stop trying to fix me into something I'll never be." My voice is no louder than a whisper, yet I know from the small twitch of his ears that he heard me.
"There's no one else for me, Ava. You're it. You're my mate. I love you! I want you to bother me, to challenge me, to frustrate me! I want you to show me that breathtaking smile, that amazing show of bravery, that resilience, and that will of fire everyday for the rest of my life! For the rest of our lives! I want to hold your tiny hand in mine and walk down the street to show everyone you're mine! I want a life with you! Dammit Ava! I WANT YOU!" He roars over the storm and it makes my cold, shattered heart melt at his declaration.
"I love you Suluk. But we'll never agree…" I can't stop the tears running down my face, now thankful that the sleet is here to cover it up. Before I know it he's bending down, resting his forehead on mine as he takes both of my hands in his warm ones.
"I won't fight you on this anymore if you agree to one thing. You stay near Sevanah. You stay near her during the fighting and have her back, like she'll have yours. Do that and I won't worry about you. I won't try to stop you anymore. Please say yes so I can finally take you home." I don't even try to stop the tears like before. I just nod my agreement and his lips are back on mine in an instant. I'm not sure how long this will last, but I'll make sure to cherish it every day until I'm gone.