My first glance at her after 5 years was not as a friend. I drunk her with my gaze as a man to his women.
Her white embroidered gown clinged to her body in the right places giving me a full view of her underneath beautiful curves as her second skin.
She was hell gorgeous not like she never was but she was changed, very changed but in a good way. But my trance broke in a second when i saw her hair. She cutted her long hair?
She knew i was crazy in love with her black long waves but still she did. I don't know whether i loved black because of her hair but still I do.
I have anger issues from the very start so in order to let her know of my anger i said those things about food because I was hell sure she was the one who has prepared the food, I saw the expectation in her eyes when I entered the dinning room. But it backfired when i saw the mouth watering food. It was so damn difficult to control my urge to have food.
So in night i sneaked in the kitchen but my luck was like down the hill because she walked in the kitchen holding a empty jug. I do wanted to curse my luck that time, but more than that i was hell shocked at my behaviour because I couldn't seem to avert my eyes from her. It was nothing special but her damn Pikachu night suit, her messy bun, her stern expression made my heart to flutter in a new way. So in order to avert myself I made a fool out of myself saying that 'I was hungry' And her answer made me angry.
I know I wanted her to fight with me like she liked to do before but she was seriously very changed. And unknowingly from her behaviour I changed also.
I started to verbally hurt her in order to make her speak, but she never uttered anything to oppose me. My biggest mistake was to hurt her for the nikkah, using Rameen name. I know i wasn't doing right but when my anger overpowered me I don't know what the hell i am even speaking.
One thing I want to clear myself was that, i was never in love with Rameen, I mean I was but that was just what i thought. It was just my thoughts which overpowered my sense to think.
The next day after my return when dad asked her to come with me, I was very happy but the next second her reply made me angry. Not just this time each and every bloody time she opposed to stay with me. From her behaviour one thing was very clear she didn't wanted to be with me.
When my parents wanted to do rukhsati, I just wanted some more time to get to understand my new 'Haya' but my patience totally broke when she uttered the word Divorce. Like really?
I was not Very expressive since my childhood, I was only open to my Haya but This new Haya made it so difficult to understand her. Not tolerating the thought of her without my name just hit deep in my heart that i felt my heart broken into many tiny of pieces.
I did in which I was best at, I hurted her again with my words. Although she wasn't so expressive now but her beautiful Amber eyes were like a open book to me from which I can see love but her behaviour was saying something else. I was confused, very confused.
I was hardly tolerating Ahmed then came that bloody Rohan, no I think so his name was Rehan, whatever it was.
His bloody eyes for my Haya, for my Wife were not as a friend. They were much more than that. I was always on the edge whenever My Haya was with him, The thought of her with him just didn't sit well with me.
But i tried to control my urge to not to kill him brutally just for Haya but he called her Haya with his filthy mouth. I lost it. I just couldn't control myself when i saw her standing quietly. I was instantly in rage because she never uttered a word against it. More than anything else it hurted me the most.
But today her outburst opened my eyes clearly. I didn't knew she was so much in pain because of me. I didn't knew she messaged me daily for 5 long years. My account got suspended the second I set foot in America. I know I was at mistake, I should have contacted her but I was too ashamed and embarrassed to even message her, call was way too far.
My doubts about our nikkah were cleared when I read Rameen's messages from 5 to 4 years back.
And I Literally wanted to jump from the hill. How can i even blame her that too my Haya? Just how? Today her every word was like a cold slap on my face. As much as i wanted to deny it but She was right, Her every damn word was right.
On the night of Rukhsati I so wanted to control myself, not to scare her but my hormones took the best of me at the mere sight of her and I lose control. I wanted her to think that i was fully in this relationship, I was fully interested in her. I was trying hard but I didn't knew it has taken a negative impact on her. I never tried to use her, hell i never can't do that. I just wanted her to feel my feelings.
Her changed behaviour was right on the place. All the mistakes were mine not her. It was just that i never thought of these outcomes. The problem here was the 'Communication'
We never communicated properly. It always ended with a arguement. I know, I know every mistake was mine, was on my part because I always hurted her but her words always have their way to make me angry.
Mama told me that i love her, even 5 years back Rameen also said the same thing but I wasn't ready to accept this fact that i was in love with my best friend, with my Haya. It was just so good to be true.
But Allah! is the best creater, Allah has the best way to make the stupid human like me understand. Those 5 years were my lesson. Distance surely makes the love grow to the extreme and Alhumdulila it happened for me too. It's just that i accepted it way too late.
I can't justify my any action because I know I was wrong but i can't see hate in 'My Haya, My Jaan, My Wife's' eyes for me. Call me selfish but this is the way I am.
One thing I know for sure, I will get her back. I will make her trust me again. I will make her love me again. I will make her mine again.
Wait for me Haya! I will never let you leave me. It's a promise!