1.
It's dull.
"...."
I blinked my eyes.
As I blinked, I tried to move my fingertips. They moved.
Without any problems, I raised my head, lifted my waist, and moved my lips.
"Kim…, Gong-ja…."
It worked.
I could speak. My name. The coordinates of my trace.
I didn't lose it.
"Ugh…!?"
At that moment, a severe pain squeezed my head.
"Ugh…! Ugh…!"
The veins on the side of my head throbbed, seeming like they would burst. The headache spread from the side to the front of my head in no time. Ugh! My lips parted, and my salivary glands refused to be controlled, fluttering. I barely wiped the saliva dripping down my mouth with the back of my hand.
"Huk…."
"Miss! Are you alright!"
Someone burst in suddenly. The sound of the door and footsteps intertwined.
Even that urgent noise was as irritating as scratching a metal block in my head with nails.
"Ugh…, quietly…."
I could only groan.
"A bit, quieter…."
"My goodness. Let's see if you have a fever."
Fortunately, it seemed the other person understood my words.
"I thought you were getting a bit better over the weekend, but oh, what to do. I'll call a doctor."
"Hmm…."
"Just wait a little. Miss. The others will come soon too."
The situation was hard to comprehend.
Being called miss, I must have become a woman.
Then, was the original gender of ■■■■ ■■ ■■■ a woman?
'Strange.'
There's no record of the original gender for ■■■■ ■■ ■■■. It was erased. The tower deprived that name and appearance, so even if I peek into the trauma with my skill, I can't know.
My skill is also cast in the tower.
'Why?'
I squinted through the pain.
'What kind of person am I, and what trauma has been replaced….'
And the moment I lifted my head and faced the mirror in the room.
I forgot to even groan and opened my mouth.
"...."
Silver hair that the moonlight would envy.
Eyes that swirl with blood, startling those who meet them.
But the curve from the forehead to the jawline was so painfully beautiful, it was impossible not to watch the precarious acrobatics, causing an unknowable fear in humans yet denying them any choice but to look at her.
It was.
"Miss Raviel? Are you okay?"
"It seems you've got a fever again as soon as you woke up today…."
"You've always been prone to illness. It's okay. It probably isn't anything serious."
"What should we do? Should we inform the madam?"
"It would only add worry to worry. Let me examine her first…."
It was the person I loved.
2.
It's dull.
"...."
I lay by the garden fountain, blankly staring up at the sky.
Apparently, I have become the goddess I love, Raviel Ivansia.
And at a very young age.
"About twelve years old, perhaps…."
This voice that murmurs, even though it resonates beautifully in my mouth once, feels unchanged.
"Uh."
Just mumbling to myself feels embarrassingly intimate. It's as if Raviel whispered a secret right into my head.
What to do.
If someone sees this, they'll think I'm a person embarrassed by their own voice, or just mad.
My embarrassment is one thing, but having Raviel considered mad is a bit….
"That so."
I realized.
"I have no choice but to become mute…."
It was a genius solution.
"While at it, I might as well live with my eyes closed. I can avoid mirrors, but then it would be troublesome for the maids to dress me. It's best to bandage my face and live that way."
"Miss! You, you can't lie down by the fountain!"
A maid ran towards me in a hurry from afar.
"Come quickly."
I was lying on the circular fountain's stone edge. Even though the sunlight was blazing, the coolness from the fountain seeped in, making it cool.
Raviel liked the coolness. I knew that since living with her. Even when she was young, her body instinctively wandered in search of cool places.
"No, that was the wrong way to put it. Come slowly. You're running out of breath."
"Huff, huff… Ah, my goodness, I'm going to die…"
"Have you already run out of breath? My advice was too late then. It's the master's negligence for not paying attention to the servant's panting."
"Ah, Miss…. Lying down in such a place, calls into question your dignity as the First Lady of the Empire…!"
The maid covered my waist with a thin blanket. Even the blanket had the finest touch. The Ivansia family, as if to prove to everyone that they need not be frugal with money, was unnecessarily luxurious to this extent.
"Is that so?"
"Yes!"
"But think about it. As you said, I am the empire's first lady. However, being the first lady of the empire is not only a title given at birth but also a qualification document that must be continuously proven in the future."
"Huh?"
"If I am not befitting of the first lady, as you said, lying leisurely by the fountain would seem vulgar. That would mean my capacity is just that much. But what if it's not vulgar?"
"Huh?"
"If, despite lying by the fountain, I still look noble, that would indeed prove my ladylike qualities, wouldn't it? Eating, sleeping, wearing clothes, just being alive should exude nobility, that's what being the empire's first lady is about. Naturally, even lying by the fountain should become a picture, shouldn't it?"
"Uh… Um, uhm…?"
"Therefore, the blanket is unnecessary."
I flicked it, sending the blanket floating into the fountain.
"Ah! It's expensive…!"
"The fountain might sometimes wish to be covered with a blanket. Rather, look at me."
The maid, not knowing what to do, followed my command.
Her eyes captured my figure.
Lying on the fountain's stone edge, one arm stretched down, looking at the maid at an angle.
"...."
"How does it look?"
"…You look noble."
"Does it make a picture?"
"Yes. Miss, you are like a painting…"
"I ask your sense of aesthetics. Covering this portrait's waist with a brown blanket, is it a cultural gain or a cultural loss? If you were to hang a painting in the palace corridor, should it have a blanket or not?"
"…Huh? It's more beautiful without it…?"
"Exactly."
I nodded in satisfaction.
"So, it's proven that there's no problem with me being the empire's first lady. I'm striving to produce a painting that could hang on the palace walls. Your worry has been proven unnecessary."
"Huh? …Uh?"
"Go on. I wish to enjoy the freshness of the garden and the sound of the fountain a bit longer."
"Ah, yes…. Huh? Uh…?"
The maid repeatedly tilted her head in confusion as she retreated. The confusion did not cease as she retreated. Watching her, a somewhat pleasant feeling swirled in my cold heart.
For a brief moment.
The sound of water trickled from the fountain near my head.
"...."
It's dull.
"...."
It's dull.
"...."
It's dull.
"Hmm…."
What is it?
This bottomless sinking boredom. No. The boredom that is the bottom itself, what exactly is it?
"Indeed."
This is Raviel's childhood.
"Am I bored with the world?"
The emotion that dominated the entirety of her childhood.
"Whether reading a book, chattering in social circles, learning the sword, nothing feels rewarding."
The sky was blue. It was so clear that there were few white clouds. But even such a sky would have more expressions than my current face, Raviel's face.
Absolutely expressionless.
Let's assume there are several tracks, pathways one could live and step on from now on.
'Become the emperor's wife. Become the empress and turn the emperor into a puppet, playing with the empire. Or, gather the nobles' factions and rebel under the name of Ivansia, reigning over the newly established empire and enjoying twenty years of supremacy.'
That was probably the utmost path laid out for Raviel from her birth.
'Anything is possible.'
I had the intuition that I could succeed in any of those choices, unless some unforeseen misfortune intervened.
'The current emperor is a wise ruler. There's no need to plot a rebellion unnecessarily. The sight of his subjects working hard under his reign, and the people of Ivansia swinging their hoes every season, is quite satisfactory.'
I thought that scenery was beautiful.
Like looking at a famous painting without knowing much about it, it felt beautiful but not interesting.
The only emotion in my heart was [I want to protect the beauty just as it is].
'Then, am I to live a life for the empire… precisely, for all the people of the empire?'
It would have meaning.
Just.
'It's boring.'
So boring that it's unbearable.
Every morning, wake up, dust off the masterpiece, work to preserve its colors, catch the rogues trying to damage this painting, kill the thieves trying to steal it.
That's all.
A life with everything from morning till evening already decided.
"Hey."
Splash.
Ripples spread on the surface of the fountain.
Slowly turning my head, in the middle of the garden, a blonde boy was grinning with a pebble in his hand.
"My lady."
"...."
I opened my lips expressionlessly.
"I am not yet your lady, Your Highness."
"Then, future lady."
"If I were to call you the future emperor, would it not be disrespectful?"
"I believe accepting each other's rudeness is a virtue of a couple. If not accepted, well, one might end up taking concubines. Is that the future you wish for?"
"Honestly, it doesn't matter to me."
"My future wife is indeed a woman with a cold heart."
The blonde boy lamented rather convincingly.
The sole heir of this empire. The imperial successor, the crown prince.
He had been designated as my fiancé since 20 years ago.
Before I was even born, that is.
'Is this also a path?'
The blonde path spoke.
"To not stand up and pay respects in the end. You're the first to lie down upon seeing me, excluding Her Majesty."
"Since accepting each other's rudeness is a virtue of a couple."
"Oh. Then, I can be a bit more rude."
The crown prince grabbed my wrist. The wrist, perfectly cooled to just the right chill, warmed up as the crown prince held it. Probably, a red mark would remain on my wrist.
"Let's go."
"Where to, if I may ask?"
"Anywhere. Well, to speak frankly, His Majesty told me to show you some flattery. It wouldn't hurt to make a good impression on the Ivansia family. I agree. If I'm to flatter anyone, might as well be the most beautiful lady in the empire, right?"
"You speak well. It will be your downfall in the future."
"Huh?"
The boy tilted his head.
"What do you mean?"
"Words are impromptu, but the actions born from impromptu words leave traces. Considering these traces is called responsibility. Words last only as long as it takes to open and close the mouth, so to bear responsibility, actions must follow. Your Highness speaks well, so your traces will be equally long, but can you handle it?"
"...?"
Indeed.
He didn't understand.
The crown prince, trying his best to imitate an adult, but that doesn't mean he could understand advice that touches the pulse of life.
Only an adult or a genius could understand that.
Regrettably, the crown prince is neither.
"Sounds like something a prime minister would say. Well, it's fine. I didn't come here to receive tutoring from my future wife."
"What then, if I may ask?"
"A new shop has opened in the market street! It's a confectionery. They have all sorts of exotic sweets, and the seasonal strawberries that have come in are said to be delicious!"
"...If it's sweets you want, our household can prepare them right away. Should I have some brought here?"
"Ah, you really don't understand. Future Lady. You don't understand at all!"
From lady to first lady, and now just future lady?
"Sweets brought out from the kitchen are merely evidence of service! I'm not looking for service. I want an appropriate exchange between free citizens… Yes. I'm seeking a free trade!"
"The commoners will look at you and me and envy our freedom instead."
"We envy each other then. An ideal relationship between ruler and subjects!"
He's not listening.
Moreover, this man, he doesn't even know what he's talking about, just scattering seemingly plausible sentences.
"Come, come! I've even arranged for a carriage. Not a royal carriage nor one from your family's estate, but just one rented from a merchant. No one will recognize us!"
That's impossible.
Her silver hair is a noble symbol of the Ivansia family. The moment she steps into the confectionery, she can easily imagine the employees panicking, kneeling down, and the owner rushing out to bow.
Is that so.
"As you wish, Your Highness."
"Oh! Finally, you're talking sense, Future Lady!"
Is it really so simple to stray off the predetermined path?
"After visiting the shop, let's head to the market! Phew. Not to boast, but I've already visited all the markets in the imperial city, including the 6-day and 3-day markets, even the permanent ones. In this regard, I'm far more experienced than you."
"Yes."
Just need to play a bit dumb.
"I'm looking forward to it."
"Look forward to it!"
Being with this man gives me a feeling that my life is swaying.
Everything familiar to me, the daily routine I'm supposed to have today, what I eat and drink, where I sleep, all the paths are getting shaken and twisted.
It didn't reach the point of being 'fun.'
But certainly, it was something that could be considered 'refreshing.'
"Come on! Future Lady! This way, this way!"
For a moment, I can forget myself.
Isn't that enough?
In one's life, isn't that reason enough to give one's heart?
"Amazing. Were seasonal strawberries always this delicious? Here, Future Lady, try some. Hmm. Next… suddenly, I want to see the sea. The sea. How about it? Let's go to the sea."
Since escaping from myself is the most difficult task.
To forget.
For someone like me, oblivion has always been the hardest.
"It's too dark to see the sea…"
"Your Highness."
Yes.
"Hmm?"
I've decided to be content with this life.
Boring though it is. Utterly dull though it may be.
"I will try to love Your Highness."
"Oh! Finally…"
"However, I have a condition."
Sometimes, one must live a life satisfied with just the moonlight reflected on the water, not the sun.
"Love only me."
"...."
The water must be calm to reflect the moonlight.
I simply decided to ask the world to be quiet.
"Do not take concubines. Do not even cast your gaze elsewhere. If Your Highness can love, allow that profound love only for me, and if love is impossible, then direct those efforts solely towards me."
"...."
"Then, perhaps, I will be able to stay by Your Highness's side. To assist you, to protect the empire, and to care for all its people. Your Highness. Can you promise to love only me?"
The boy kept his mouth shut.
Not long after, with the usual convincing brightness, the boy cheerfully said,
"Of course!"
"...."
"I will love only you, my wife!
Yes.
It might be nice to have expectations of the world.
At least, compared to the water trickling from the fountain— the sound of waves echoing from that unseen sea, unknowable in its end and depth, feels a bit cooler.
[You are implementing the trauma of the enemy who killed you.]
I.
Quietly closed my eyes.