Tw: Suicidal thoughts
He sat there for what felt like an eternity. It made me feel uncomfortable, but I was far too baffled to move either. No one said anything for the remainder of lunch.
I had come to the conclusion that one of us was crazy and I just ignored the whole thing altogether. So, I got up once the bell rang, and walked out of those doors, for the last time. I did not bother to even go to the rest of my classes; I was physically and mentally exhausted. Which is something that I was too stupid to realize.
As I walked out into the scorching sun, I couldn't help but revisit the events that occurred in the cafeteria. Truly, I did not believe a word that he said. But what if today was my last? - I had thought. Truly, what would I do?
As I walked down a steep hill, my mind became distracted by the endless possibilities. It was the first time that I thought about something that was real. Something that I could do. As I turned in the direction of the path looming 4 miles ahead, I came to a crossroads. It was either that I went home at 12 P.M with no hope for a better day or I walked in another direction, to wherever the road led me.
I stood there like any of this meant anything. I was not going to let his words shake me, but it had. His words led me down that street, and into an early grave.
—------
I walked home.
Coward.
I walked up the flights of stairs and entered my shoebox penthouse, then I collapsed onto my disheveled mattress.
I stared at the ceiling for a while and it started to feel like it was staring back at me. Maybe this ceiling felt lonely, hungry, and tired. Maybe this ceiling was tired of looking at someone who was lonely, hungry, and tired.
As I stared at the ceiling, the voices began to resurface. I could never truly run away from them.
Why are you still here?
It's all your fault!
Coward!
"..."
"Help me," the voice of a little boy rang in my head, "I need to find my mom and dad, PLEASE!" Tears fell down the boy's face as he screamed into a lonely abyss.
For the first time in 6 years, tears began to fall from my eyes. I stared at the ceiling as the tears slowly framed my face and my bed began to absorb the downpour. My eyes stayed open for a while, and I fell asleep.
I dreamed of a picnic, with the 4 of us. My mom was in a red sun dress and my dad was in a polo shirt. They looked good together. Frank ushered at me and I picked up the Dahlias and handed it to my mother. Wrapped in the center was a ring that sparkled in the light. Her face brightened once she saw it and her mouth opened wide. Tears began to fall down her face as she violently shook her head in agreement.
My father took her left hand with his left hand and picked up the ring with his right hand. "Honey…" he said as tears began to fill his face, "Will you make me the happiest man on earth and-" She grabbed him and held him in her arms. "Careful," my father laughed, as he nudged away from her, gesturing at her stomach. They both broke into laughter; I sat there and watched the whole thing.
"Come here," my mother said, warmly.
I moved closer to them and hugged all three of them. We held each other so tightly, almost like we were scared of letting go.
I woke up abruptly and realized that I was drenched in sweat. I couldn't breathe. My eyes were still half closed as I tried to move my tired body. Only, I couldn't. I felt intense pressure on my arms and legs. My breathing became worse, and when I finally opened my eyes, I stopped moving altogether.
I tried to scream, but my mouth did not move.
The light from the window marked his face with a white glow as he entered from it. His blue eyes were the only things that I could see as he approached me.
I still couldn't move.
He approached me slowly and when he stopped, I saw a flicker of light. My body began to shake violently. My chest rose as my arms remained dead on the mattress.
Snap.
My eyes remained open and I saw a smile etching across his face. I started to feel an unbearable pain that stretched from my spine to my neck. Then finally, to my brain. The very brain that had been tormenting me for so long.
Relief.
The end that I had often envisioned had come to me in a flash.
Relief.