Khonshu is no stranger to modern technology, having wandered the Earth for more than a millennia since his banishment. He has seen humanity grow ever since they learned to stack rocks on top of each other. And it's not like he can go home, in fact he would be what modern Americans call homeless, or a hobo. Not allowed to enter the Over Void and left to wander the earth until further notice. His temples in Karnak have also been stripped of its significance and power so it's practically just a pile of rocks now.
So here is Khonshu. God of the Moon, Protector of Trevelers. One whose name means to Wander. Symbol of Divine Youth and the Child of the Thebian Triad. That was before, now he is homeless, temple-less, stray hobo god. Cast out by his own family, and left to wander the Earth until further notice.
Who needs the other gods anyway. He is just fine doing what he is doing. Traveling from place to place, finding a decent Avatar to command, then ordering said Avatar to do his bidding, which is killing the lowest of the low who is a threat to the safety and lives of those who travel at night.
Granted he was told that his methods are way, way too violent and can lead to his Avatar having major psychological and negative physical side-effects if he pushes them too hard. He won't admit that he also has issues and may just be projecting them to the only being he can interact with. Which leads to what his current Avatar is suggesting.
Well, one of his Avatars. It's complicated and unconventional since he now has 3 Avatars. It's actually illegal to have more than 2, but technically they share the same body, so technically he still has only one. He's not even sure how that works and stopped questioning things decades ago since it will only give him a headache, and he already has a headache trying to survive shrine less.
Osiris still didn't stone him yet so maybe Ennead didn't realize it, or is letting this slide. Khonshu suspects Thoth may have had a hand in Osiris's odd lack of action recently.
"I'm saying there are plenty of other ways to help the innocent than just killing the guilty, or killing in general." Steven said.
"Like the saying, there are plenty of ways to kill a cat. And there is definitely a less bloody way than just shooting it in the head. The end result is what matters so we can try another path." Steven continues to say.
"And opening a hotline is one of them?" Jake asked. Marc later added his opinion.
"Steven, it sounds like we're trying to sell ourselves. Even your intro sounds like a cheesy infomercial on TV." Marc points out, looking at the piece of paper where Steven wrote his "pitch intro".
Are you lost? Need someone who can take care of our problems? Did you lose your cat for the 12th time this week?
Well worry no more as the Midnight Hotline is now open to serve your needs! You can now finally call upon the God of the Moon with a low price of a penny and a simple Thank you to Lord Khonshu.
Call now at 1-800-MOON-KNIGHT.
His Avatar now awaits your prayers. Hurry before the sun rises!
"You make it sound like we're hookers Marc. You expect us to stand on the streets in the middle of the night in white spandex while we wait for someone to call us for our services? Jake joked.
"You're the one who said it, not me. And I'd rather actually go and do something than wait for someone to call us. Not everyone has the ability or access to a phone, or even admits that they need help. By the time they do admit it, it would be too late." Marc said
"I have to agree with Marc on this one. I don't like waiting around either. Makes me feel like one of those blue collar workers." Jake said
"We don't have to give up on that. This can be like a sideline or something." Steven said
I still think this is a waste of time and effort. Don't you have that job at the museum Gift shop?
"It does not have to take up our full time. Jake also has a job while doing your mission so I don't see how we can do this." Steven
"Steven, my job does not involve sitting behind a counter for 8 hours. It's out in the open and involves me driving around town. Khonshu's missions involve him bossing us around town. There is something in common there." Jake explained.
The three of them are still not perfect on balancing their personal time. Though we are getting better at it, there are cases where there would be misunderstandings and arguments on what to do on the weekend.
"Let's just try this okay? Khonshu you need to find an alternative form of worship than eating wicked hearts, you said it yourself that while it does the job and keeps you fed. It's not healthy or the best in the long run, and you've been eating nothing but wicked hearts and bitter hatred." Steven said, trying to convince Khonshu this time.
Marc and Jake got a different idea about that though. "So you're saying you want to introduce Khonshu to a new diet?" Marc said
"Look, he's literally nothing but bandages and a bony head. Maybe giving something that is more genuine, organic that is not a disembodied organ filled with evil can be better for him." Steven tried to reason with them
"And you want to like, make Khonshu vegan now?" Jake said, following Marc's question.
"I have no idea what considers a god to be Vegan, but you know what they say, you are what you eat. With this alternative method, maybe Khonshu can give less intense and bloody missions to you Marc." Steven tries to really, really sound convincing.
Though the other 3 aren't really buying it much. Khonshu is too prideful change his lifestyle, Jake is just fine with the status quo since missions are a way for him to take the body and release pent up frustrations, and Marc really does not like waiting for someone to call him to deliver justice like he is a pizza delivery guy.
But Steven's hopeful face makes it hard for Marc to say no. What Steven said is rather tempting, an alternative means that gives him less pressure and avoids being overworked.
Khonshu, though, is starting to regret opening up about what his banishment has done to him. Because now he feels that Steven is trying to "fix" him and he doesn't need to be "fixed" in his opinion. He only resorted to devouring wicked hearts after his banishment and after the destruction/abandonment of his Pantheon's temples, cutting him of from the more healthier and bloodless ways of veneration.
For him devouring hearts is like drinking energy drinks, it gets the job done and gives him a boost of energy, but does not have much nutritional value. And Khonshu have been depending on hearts for the past 2000 years.
It used to be pretty much bloodless. Even a simple offering of a glass of milk is enough, only if the proper ritual is done. Rituals that are developed by the Ennead. And it is not surprising that Khonshu have issues about the Ennead and tried to put as much distance between him and his family. So he avoids the rituals simply because of its association with them.
"You really want this Steven?" Jake asks. He can see how Steven wants to try this.
And he gets where Steven is coming from, wanting to help others with a smile and a helping hand rather than with a gun to drastically eliminate the problem. He is aware that there are smaller hidden problems that can lead to bigger ones. If left alone it could grow to something horrible, like what happened to Marc's mom.
Jake refuses to call Wendy his mother, she never was and never will be. Not after all the things she did to Marc that lead to Jake's apparent "creation".
Maybe if there was some intervention at an earlier time, it could avoid another Wendy. There are the social services for that, but one of the issues is that Jake finds the current system can get to be too lax at times and easily taken advantage of. He found some good eggs but some of Khonshu's targets are corrupt officials who neglected and twisted their job so much they are causing more harm than good.
And don't get him started in the foster system. It can get so atrocious that the kids would rather live in the streets doing petty crime than stay in an orphanage. He meets with street kids who tried to steal his cab multiple times so they have something to eat. It took days of bribing them with food and clothes to try to gain their trust.
He got Khonshu to search for a suitable foster home, one that is safe, will actually take care of these kids and help them grow to be better people. The god eventually found one run by a small but dedicated organization. Located in the countryside, far away from the hustle and bustle of the city.
And seeing these kids in good hands always makes Jake smile inside. And while Khonshu may look distant and uncaring, mostly for having a floating skull for a head that can't emote, Jake knows that Khonshu also feels happy that these street kids have a better future now.
What Steven is saying, also sounds like they are appropriating Khonshu to a modern audience, like a rebranding of sorts. Wasn't Steven all about the real, authentic Egyptian stuff? So why would Steven try a method that is not from a hundred year old papyrus? Like getting tiny mummified birds or offering a dead goat. Jake also doubts people will actually take this hotline thing seriously since it sounds like they are starting a cult.
Khonshu actually made his opinions of cults, (or any orthodox organization with a set of strict rules and protocols that appeals to an authority figure or figures coughtheEnneadcough) pretty clear by constantly rejecting Arthur's previous attempts to start one for the Moon god, rather violently too. Until Arthur left and started his own cult with another God who won't stop him. Up to now the god distances from the idea of starting one.
"I swear we are not starting a cult like Harrow. He kinda ruined the idea of cults or organized worship for all of us. Anyway, this is more like a part-time activity, to tell the public that they still have a choice to ask for help." Steven said. He remembered his brief period in Harrow's Cult community. He can't believe how it looks so ordinary and safe, yet it holds a dark secret on how it is established and kept together.
"And I hope that's the last time we deal with cults. Some are harmless in general but when they start talking about the apocalypse, mass judgment and actual terrorism, then it starts to become a problem." Jake said, he also clearly remembers Harrow.
"At best the only time the hotline will be active is on the weekends. I can be flexible with my time if it's a huge thing. And it's only for a penny! Though there is also this thank you prayer that needs to be recited once the job is done. It's pretty small but it is still a guaranteed form of worship.
Steven showed a piece of paper, clearly torn from his notebook with what looks like his draft of a thank you prayer. There are some words crossed out and other stuff written on the edges.
"It's still a work in progress. Usually it would be frankincense or some dead animal offered to the gods, but we can't ask that nowadays. Not everyone has frankincense and I'm sure a dead animal would just get us reported to the health department. So a penny will have to do."
The other 3 are silent for a while. Steven is standing in front of 2 large floor length mirrors he uses to visualize Jake and Marc. It is not really needed but it helps him converse with his headmates. Khonshu is standing beside the leftmost mirror.
"If someone is going to call us to babysit their dog, I'm blaming you for this Steven." Marc finally said after a moment of silence.
"So, we'll give it a try?" Steven asks.
"I think we can give it a trial run, see how it goes after a couple of months. What do you say Jefe?"
Khonshu took a moment to answer, still sounding unsure. "Very well. But only under the condition that you remove my name on that poster."
"What? Why?" Steven asked. He was sure Khonshu would want to have his name on the poster, since he is the God the prayer is dedicated to.
"Because I said so. And there is the law that the gods are not to be exposed to the open public. My existence as a Moon God can be implied but my direct name is not to be stated." Khonshu answered, there is actually another reason but it's something Khonshu is not keen on sharing.
"But, wouldn't that still expose you as a Moon God?" Steven pointed out.
"There are other Lunar Deities other than me. People won't usually think of me when someone mentions a Moon God. Thoth is usually more famous, or even the gods of other pantheons overshadow me by a wide margin." Khonshu said.
And Steven has to agree on that. He recalls asking about moon gods to a group of students at the museum, and they only know of Thoth, Horus for some reason and Artemis, the last one is not even Egyptian. But almost none of them know about Khonshu unless they are really into Egyptian mythology.
"Maybe you remember being stoned after the whole sky thing, and the sudden eclipse?" Jake asked. He wasn't there per say during the whole night sky rave party, but he learned it by looking through Steven's memories.
I wanted them to notice that but I did not write my name on the stars. For the past 2000 years since my banishment I have tried to keep my name low.
"Uh, okay then. But can it be in the prayer of thanks?" Steven asks.
"I have no idea if it will work. What you're doing is not how worship was done traditionally in the past. But then again, you three do not do any of the proper rituals or prayers. I don't even do the traditional protocols and rituals anymore." Khonshu stated.
"Okay. Well, I have to make some changes. By the way Khonshu I would really like to know these rituals you mentioned. We can talk about it more some other time." Steven said. Ever the amateur historian and enthusiast, he quickly became intrigued the moment Khonshu mentioned rituals and protocols.
"So, how are we going to advertise this? Write it on the wall? We can't pay for a tv commercial." Marc said, thinking of the station fees and other technical stuff.
"Ah no, that's way above my pay for now. I was thinking of making flyers and posting them on the park trees. I'll also need to buy another phone specifically for this." Steven said, looking at the prayer draft he wrote.
Now that he was given the consent by Khonshu, can start finalizing this intro.
"Printing is not that expensive, but We're still a little behind in funds so We'll need to write the posters ourselves. I already have some markers and clean papers ready." Steven said. He directed the rest to what looks like a paper bag on the corner of the room.
"So that's what was inside the bag." Jake said. Steven has a messy way of organizing so no one questioned why there was a random paper bag amongst Steven's other random paper bags he tended to scatter around the flat.
"We can start now but I still have work tomorrow so it might take a couple of days." Steven said as he started sorting out some of the clean papers. He estimates to be able to finish some on the weekend.