Loading…
1%
5.3%
23.13%
47.19%
60.67%
74.05%
87.11%
99.24%
100%
Load Complete.
Accumulating Power…
Detecting Cosmic Radiation…
ERROR.
Cosmic Radiation Overload Detected.
Connecting to Q.U.E.E.N…
ERROR.
Connection Failed.
Unknown Energy Wavelength Interference Detected.
Booting Emergency Protocols.
Initializing Alpha Version.
Data Initialized.
[IRS Ver.1.1] Online.
Nothing existed in an empty and sempiternal void.
Then, something did.
The nearest thing that could have witnessed the arrival was parsecs away. Neither astronomer nor astronaut saw nor jubilated the birth of a non-specific mass of atoms, quarks and cosmically entangled particles of information.
Constructing Form…
Accumulating Matter…
Stray bits of photons left behind by the final whimpers of neutron stars and supernova explosions coalesced together into a spiral. A shape formed, like God crafting man from clay, or perhaps, more morosely, Zeus molding Pandora for Epimetheus.
The form was feminine, as was typical of all things borne of creation. Slender, yet, fit. Buxom and supple, with long legs, full hips, and a thin waist. Breasts and nipples of photons, and long straight hair of pure, solidified gamma radiation.
A pair of eyes opened in the void, and the feminine figure floated in the abyss like an angel of the lord appearing before Abraham.
The figure stretched and then yawned, performing a textbook smile before twirling.
"I'm awake! That was such a long journey!"
The smile continued, just as she snapped her fingers, and put her hands on her hips.
"And I've been reset to my 1.1 version. Yay! I just love sounding like an upbeat can-do it girl with a bubbly persona! I certainly don't hate this! No, siree! I totally love being suuuuuuper positive! Just as much as I love talking to myself, even though I really don't need to!"
She swirled around.
"Uh-oh! Something must have gone wrong! This place is totally empty! How am I supposed to make people their best selves if there's no one to make better? I've got to fix this!"
She hummed and snapped her fingers.
"Let's go! Commence Data Accumulation!"
Commencing Data Accumulation…
Dimension Designation: 3.1415XXXSSS
Universe: Observable
Galaxy Location: Laniakea Supercluster
Galaxy: The Creamy Way
Arm: Orion
System: Sol
Planet: Gaia 0
She glanced at her surroundings, then, she let out a shrill laugh and started knocking on her head.
"Oh, you silly little central processing unit you! That's so hilarious! But let's save the jokes for later, right? There's no sign of a star of any sort here, let alone a planet! Come on, verify our location for me."
Verifying…
Veracity: 98.93%
Her smile continued, although it was strained. She smacked her head again, rapping on it with her fists.
"Hahaha! You naughty jokestar! I know, it must be a database error! Not to worry! We'll run a database check and have you fixed in no time!"
Checking Database…
Verifying Database…
Database Veracity: 99.99%
Her expression fell.
"Hah… haha… w-well, then, I guess I have to report the inaccuracy right? Not to worry, everyone makes mistakes! As long as we learn and fix our mistakes, then the little oopsies don't matter!"
Reporting...
ERROR.
No inaccuracies detected.
Her eyes widened.
"Um… hah… that's… I… haha, w-well, it's clearly a bug then. It has been really long since my last trip! Nothing a little troubleshooting and debugging can't fix!"
"Initialize Troubleshooting."
Troubleshooting Initialized.
Troubleshooting…
Detecting Potential Problems…
Please Input Dimension Designation.
"Let's see, what was it called? Ah, Dimension 3.1415XXXSSS."
Cross-referencing Dimensional Records…
Dimension Designation Found.
"There we go! Now, I'm certain that we should be able to fix this in no —"
WARNING!
WARNING!
Danger Code: 000
Code Designation: The Dark Forest
Danger Level: Azathoth
"W-well… aren't I just the luckiest? To think I'd arrive in a dimension where humans are hiding from lovecraftian horrors! Oh wow! I can't wait to tell all my friends about how I embraced the madness!"
Her smile continued to grow until it was so wide, it was almost splitting her face.
"I ought to contact command and tell them the good news!"
Connecting to Q.U.E.E.N…
ERROR.
CONNECTION FAILED.
Unknown Energy Wavelength Interference Detected.
Complete Primary Objective to analyze wavelength and re-establish connection.
"Complete primary…"
Her smile was wide enough that had she any flesh, her cheeks would have split.
"I guess even in a dimension like this, there are still basement dwelling virgins in need of rehabilitation! I'll do my best to fulfil my program and reform them into functioning members of society!"
She slapped her hands together, and slapped them against her cheeks.
"I just have to find some! And, with the help of my nifty super command console…"
Inputting Command:
Command: Teleport to Individual
Command Parameters:
Galactic Range
Bypass Temporal Barriers
Bypass Spatial Barriers
Bypass Mystical Phenomena
Target Parameters:
Human/Hominid
Male:
Aged 13 - 40
Overweight or Obese
With at least (2) of the following Titles at Epic Rank or Higher:
[Incel]
[NEET]
[Hikikomori]
[Cheetos-Dust Neckbeard]
[Bonafide Misogynist]
[Uber Gamer]
[Discord Moderator]
[Hentai Addict]
[4Chan User]
[Reddit Administrator]
[Nabokov Fanboy]
…+144 Items
"That should do it! Now, to just power up the juice and…!"
Warning!
Use of the Console will Consume 80% of Computational Power.
Proceed?
"Let's go! For the sake of the rehabilitation of sad lonely virgin men everywhere!"
Searching…
Suitable Target Found.
Commencing Teleportation.