"You're probably really devastated, huh?" A male beta was talking to Kestrel at the moment. "It's such a bummer."
Brushing away fake tears with a fancy handkerchief, he said smoothly, "I can't even picture what I'd do if this happened to me."
He was the fifth person that day, the fifth person to say these things to Kestrel during the party. Kestrel realized she couldn't even remember this beta's name. They might have been classmates at the beta academy in the Tower.
Kestrel wanted to seriously ask his classmate what feeling bummed was like, but she knew she shouldn't.
She was a beta who couldn't feel emotions and had a bad memory. She hadn't felt the regular feelings of sadness, anger, sorrow, happiness, and so on that most people have for a long time. No one would get it. All she could do was fake it and try to act the right way when she should be showing certain feelings.
So, Kestrel just nodded and said, "Yeah, it's super sad."
Finally pleased, the beta went away, letting Kestrel get back to her peace and quiet, sitting by the window, daydreaming.
The tendrils seemed thrilled in the new surroundings. They hid in lonely corners, exploring. Kestrel's mind was filled with their soft whispers. Kestrel listened to their dreamlike words, staring at the water lilies in the fake lake, their purple petals slowly closing as night fell.
...
That was when Tarian saw Kestrel sitting by the lake. His friends pointed it out to him.
"Look, your ex-fiancée," a friend said, dragging out the word "ex," in a voice full of teasing.
"What's she even wearing? Does she look like a beta?"
"I told you, Tarian, you should've dumped her a while ago. With your family's status, you could get a better beta. Why stick with such a strange person?"
These guys used to make fun of Kestrel, and Tarian didn't care. Kestrel was a strange beta and wasn't very likable. But now that he'd broken up with Kestrel, these words, for some reason, felt a bit mean, maybe because he was feeling sorry for her.
Kestrel sat by the lake, in a too simple black dress, with no jewelry, a plain white face, and a touch of red on her lips. Her delicate hand, as fine as silk, held up her chin as she stared blankly at the lake through the window. She didn't look like a typical beta. She was always herself, just doing the bare minimum of politeness. But, Tarian had to admit, deep down, she had her own kind of beauty. It was eye-catching and made people want to look at her.
Tarian, a top-ranking alpha with sharp eyes, noticed that a few alphas at the party were sneaking looks at Kestrel, seeming ready to make a move.
Kestrel was pretty. Tarian knew that from the first time he saw her when they were kids. His dad brought him to a party and pointed out a girl daydreaming on a balcony. "You should try," his dad said, "She's got strong psychic power. If you're a good match, she'll be your future fiancée."
The young girl in a neat white dress sat alone by a sea of flowers, her head tilted, deep in thought. The sunlight softened her features, making her look like a fairy, even the scent of the flowers seemed different around her. Young Tarian's heart beat like crazy at that moment.
They tested really high for compatibility, as high as 70%, which was really rare where they lived. Tarian's dad was overjoyed. Tarian was happy too. "I heard her parents are gone. It's okay, I'll take good care of her," the blushing young boy thought back then.
Tarian couldn't understand why, as time passed, they ended up where they are now.
Tarian left his teasing friends and walked towards Kestrel. "I heard you applied to the Special Research Division?" He got a server, grabbed a glass of juice, and swapped it with Kestrel's wine glass.
Kestrel's hand was suddenly empty. The low-alcohol drink was taken away, replaced by a glass of juice. She looked up and saw the guy who was the only familiar face to her over the years, the alpha who used to be her fiancé.
By the flower-scented lake, Kestrel remembered how this guy once held her hand and said lots of sweet things to her. He had promised to be with her for a long time, to wait patiently for her to get better and become normal. He said he would never let her have the nightmares she had when she was a kid, never let her be alone. He said they would hold hands and help each other on a long journey, and Kestrel almost believed him. Not long ago, however, this guy showed up in front of her, holding hands with another beta. Just like everyone said, they weren't a good match and ended up breaking up.
Kestrel made a confused noise, not having a chance to speak yet. Right then, her tendrils, having climbed somewhere unknown, sent back some strange information, distracting her.
"Oh, yeah, I applied for a new job," Kestrel replied, trying to make sense of the information while answering.
Tarian frowned. He was tall and his shadow stretched out in the light, covering Kestrel in front of him. He leaned on the tree with one hand and looked down at Kestrel who sat in the shadows. Her eyes in the dark were super bright, like scattered stars. But, those pretty eyes weren't focused on him at all. There was an unreadable excitement in her gaze, and she was clearly thinking about something else.
She was always in her own world, never acting like a normal beta who only cared about their alpha. This was what Tarian disliked most about Kestrel. Kestrel always seemed lost, not interested in the things a beta should care about. She didn't even put him, her supposed husband, in a special place.
Thinking about their broken relationship, Tarian held back his irritation. "Even if we're done, you don't have to be like this," Tarian said, his voice low and frowning. "Kestrel, you don't have to hurt yourself on purpose. The Polluted Zone at the borders is not a place for a beta."
"It's not because of you," Kestrel wanted to explain properly.
"It feels fluffy, like something I've touched before," a sudden message from one of her tendrils stopped her thoughts.
"What's fluffy?" Kestrel blurted out without thinking.
Tarian's frown got even deeper.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean you," Kestrel apologized. "What I wanted to say was, going to the borders for research is something I've always wanted to do, not because of you."
Tarian answered, "Is it about the gossips? You don't have to care… Even though we're not together anymore, if someone dares to bully you, you can still come to me."
"It doesn't have any feelings; it's not alive. But it feels warm," another message from a tendril came.
"Something not alive but warm is strange. What can it be?" Kestrel's thoughts got sidetracked again.
"It's not fluffy."
"It's soft and fun to touch. It's a bit bouncy. I want to touch it a little more."
"It's smooth, with a thin layer of skin and noticeable bones."
Messages kept popping up one after another in her mind.
"No feelings, warm, fluffy, stretchy, smooth... What did they find in a place like the ventilation ducts?" Kestrel couldn't help but wonder.
"Did you hear it make a noise?"
"Nonsense, how can a dead thing make noise?"
"I heard it too, a really cute sound, like it's cooing."
"It might like us."
"Really? Let me touch it."
"Me too."
"Me too."
"It's true, it feels good. It's comforting."
"I think it tastes sweet."
"Sweet? I like sweet things."
"Move over, I want to touch it again."
The messy voices started to get louder, and Kestrel's attention was totally drawn in, not hearing the serious words of Tarian standing in front of her.