I was at home, eating chips and watching TV, when it just hit me: I ruined a girl's life.
A surge of guilt overwhelmed me, leaving me gasping for breath. "What have I done? I am a fucking monster!" I cried out, my voice echoing through the empty corridors of my conscience. The weight of guilt bore down upon me, threatening to crush my very soul.
Without a moment's hesitation, I stumbled towards the bathroom, my legs weak and unsteady. Overwhelmed by the magnitude of my actions, I found myself doubled over the toilet, vomiting uncontrollably. Tears streamed down my face as the gravity of my evil doings settled deep within my being.
Through the bathroom door, my mother's voice, laced with concern, pierced the air. "Dionis, what is the matter?" she called out, her worry evident.
"Nothing, Mom," I managed to mutter, my voice choked with vomit. "Just a stomachache."
From desperation and trying to escape my reality, I fled from my home and sprinted towards the gym.
Mindlessly I carried weight far heavier than usually, letting out voices of pain and suffering. Everyone was staring at me like I was some sort of freak, but I didn't care. The guilt inside me was much stronger than some stares from strangers. I yearned for was an escape, a means to obliterate the haunting memories that tormented my every waking moment.
I didn't know why I did, it was as someone was controlling me when I ordered a gang r**e on Pia.
Hours slipped away like sands through an hourglass as I immersed myself in an endless cycle of destroying my body via weightlifting. And yet, nothing changed. I still had that guilt killing me. No matter what I did, it just didn't stop. The pain in my heart was like I was constantly being stabbed.
I read books, studied, trained, cooked, went out – I did everything but the pain didn't end.
Days turned into weeks, yet the weight of guilt showed no signs of subsiding. I thought I was ready for anything – Oh, how wrong I was.
My family started to notice how depressed I looked. I had no life in my eyes. I was just an empty shell roaming the sea.
The men who had once followed me with unwavering loyalty now faltered in their faith, their doubts evident in the whispers that swept through their ranks. Concerned voices of teachers reached the ears of my parents, telling tales of my slumbering presence in the classroom, devoided of any semblance of engagement. My friends, once so vibrant in their friendship, withdrew from my company as I spiraled into a self-imposed isolation.
Because I lacked mastery of my emotions, I lost everything I had. I was once again alone. My plan crumbled before my eyes.
A month passed, and nothing changed in me. In fact, my guilt just got worse. It consumed my every waking thought, until it became a storm that threatened to drown me.
Eman came to my house after school to check up on me every day, and the men were starting to get anxious, probably because I didn't give out any commands. One by one, the 10 men I had my started to distant their self from me.
I didn't care, the only thing on my mind was on how to get rid of this guilt. Each day it just got worse.
Then, on a particular day after school, Darjan arrived at my house and handed me all the ecstasy I bought.
"I'm sorry dude, but I can't hold on to this any longer." He said, his voice filled with disappointment as he looked at my self-destructed state.
I didn't even react, just took the bag filled with ecstasy and hid it somewhere in my room. I wanted to burn it but couldn't—something in the back of my mind was telling me not to burn it,
Prior to Darjan's departure, I instructed him, "the HIDDEN WORLD organization shall no longer be from today onwards, tell the boys, so they won't expect anything from me any longer"
"Boss, when I first met you, you were innocent. You didn't even know what weed was. But within a couple of months, you were capable of paying 10 men an average salary. It's an incredible accomplishment for a 15-year-old. So... WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU THROWING IT ALL AWAY!" He screamed in desperation, desperately attempting to convince me otherwise.
"I don't give a flying fuck," I replied, slamming the door shut in his face.
A day transpired, and upon learning of the news, Eman urgently contacted me, expressing his disbelief,
"Dionis what the fuck is wrong with you, why did you become like this? I thought you said you would never give up, and you'll conquer Trbovlje with me!"
"You wouldn't understand even if you were in my shoes, since you're an animal with zero fucking morals."
"What!? you fucke-"
Without letting him finish his sentence I hung up. I had no energy to argue with retarded people.
...
...
...
One fateful day, as the sun cast its golden hues upon the world, I ascended the school staircase, each step propelling me closer to the rooftop. With each creak of the door, the cool breeze embraced me, accompanied by the serenade of chirping birds. But within me, despite the beauty that surrounded me, the only thought I had was: "It's a beautiful day to die, huh?"
With a sense of inevitability, I climbed over the fence and stood there on the edge. Thirty meters separated me from the unforgiving concrete below, yet Instead of feeling scared, the only thing I felt was confusion. I was asking myself,
"Why am I doing this? Why did I start? If I die, will the pain go away? Will my parents even care if I die? Will anyone even care? Why couldn't I just live a normal teenage life? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY!!?!"
So many thoughts were running through my head, but the only solution to all my problems was death.
But, just as I was ready to jump off, a flicker of something out of this world ignited within me. The devil rose from his slumber. My true instinct awakened, consuming the sea of guilt that had consumed my very essence.
"HIHIHAHAHAHAHA What kind of bitch do you take me for you stupid motherfucker!" my voice echoing through the empty spaces of my mind.
"I am Dionis fucking Asani! My name will enter the books of history and never leave them! I will conqueror not just the city, but the entire fucking country!! I will move forward up until death's door and even then, I will keep moving forward!!"
With each word, my emotions faded into oblivion. The old me was back. The devil within me raised its head, an unstoppable force propelling me forward.
Without hesitation, I climbed back up, ran to my classroom, grabbed my backpack and sprinted to Eman's house. As he swung open the door, astonishment etched across his face.
"Damn bro what happened to you." he said, as I stared at him my eyes filled with demonic aura.
"I'm back, bitch" A wide smirk appeared on my face.
"What?"
"What I'm saying is we're back to business" I replied.
"What the fuck dude, we disbanded a month ago, don't you remember?"
I grabbed his shoulder tightly and said
"Didn't I tell you I will never fuck you over, so gather the boys, I need to talk to them"
Eman, clearly overwhelmed by my sudden resurgence, nodded hesitantly. "Alright, Dionis." He agreed, a glimmer of hope wavering within him.
"Oh, and Eman," I added, a tinge of remorse coloring my voice, "I'm sorry for the thing I said the last time we talked"
A surge of gratitude washed over him, melting away any lingering doubts. It was evident that the reemergence of the old me had rekindled a flame of hope within his heart.