I sat next to him, contemplating him for a full second. He was sitting up very straight, wearing a red cardigan and dark blue dress pants. His eyes were intently staring at me, waiting for me to reply. This guy made me feel weird in my stomach. His very presence unnerved me, but he was waiting for an answer, and that made me even more nervous. Finally, I stuttered and blurted out:
"Hi! Umm, my name's Levi," I choked.
"Well, it's nice to meet you. I thought for a second you'd never approach me," he said, with a smile threatening to break at any moment.
How could I ever approach him? Clearly, he doesn't see himself in the mirror that often. Every time he stared at me or I did, he exuded an air of inaccessibility. He kept his distance from everyone. I was convinced he felt everyone else was beneath him.
"Oh, sometimes that's hard for me. And I can say the same thing about you!" I exclaimed. Naturally, if he was using that argument, I was using it on him. It was the only logical way to see it.
"Be that as it may, let's start working on this semester project. Since you arrived late, you haven't been updated on what this is about. We're supposed to do a research paper on cognitive therapy. It has to be ten thousand words long, with a minimum of eight thousand," he explained, politely and enunciating every word.
How did he dare to tell me I had arrived late? I recognized I didn't get to the classroom on time, but I had never arrived late before in these last two months, to any subject. And since he had paid close attention to my comings and goings, I was optimistic he was aware of it. I bet he was just trying to tease me.
In that moment, another student approached us, a guy who looked friendly enough and asked us if he could join our research group. But when I was about to let him team up with us, Edmund, noticing my reaction, got ahead of me and answered for both of us.
"I'm sorry, but this is going to be a group of two. I hope you find another group," he said coolly, turning the boy down. Why did he do that? What was the problem with being a group of three? Certainly, I didn't think Mr. Mortimer would have an issue with that. The guy looked affronted and left us. Fortunately for him and for my own remorse, he was able to find another group soon after.
"Why did you turn him down? There was absolutely no need to be that mean to him. He needed a group," I said, feeling my blood boiling.
"I already said it," he replied, shrugging it off. "This is going to be a group of two. Personally, I like smaller gatherings, and I'm content with just you and me." I wondered what this guy was planning with this research. From what I'd gathered, I'd noticed he enjoyed excellence, and he clearly knew he stood out in the class in more that one sense, but he shouldn't let that go to his head. Maybe he didn't, and I was making a wrong assumption. I felt slightly guilty and remorseful because, firstly, I felt flattered that he said he was content with being in a group just with me. Secondly, I have to admit I can be a bit selfish, so I also kind of wanted it to be just us. I figured it would provide us with more time to spend together alone. I was extremely curious to know what Edmund was holding back. Over the course of these two months, I had also noticed that he not only didn't have friends at school, but he also wasn't very friendly with anyone. The few conversations I had overheard, he had always been very courteous and polite, but there was always a final tone to his conversations. The way he talked wasn't very colloquial; it always seemed extremely formal. He always sat so straight that I would be stiff by then.
I was brought back to the present when he asked, "What are you thinking?" Looking genuinely curious and very handsome with a small grin on his face.
"Actually, about you," I said bluntly, and I regretted it as soon as I said it. I had revealed too much, and now he was going to think that he was more important in my mind than he actually was. Well, no, he'd have thought right, but I should have just kept my mouth shut.
"Is that so?" He asked me, I could almost hear a British accent, but calling it that wouldn't be accurate. Now I was going to have to be more honest about it. At least, partly. Why does the truth, when blurted out, only keep expanding? As though truth has a resounding effect.
"I've noticed you're always alone. You don't seem to have friends," I said, which was valid enough. At this point, I was very curious to hear what he had to say about it. Genuinely, I wanted to know more about him. Every time he talked, it was never satisfying enough for me. He never said a lot, and it always left you feeling like you wanted to know more and more.
"I've had my fair share of them in the past, and I get bored easily. Simply put, I don't need company. My own company is enough…," he said, but in his tone, there was a shade of doubt. It seemed as though that statement was usually true, but now some piece that I'm missing had changed it. When he stopped talking, he looked at me, and I noticed he was pale. I had never seen him blush or express many emotions. I wouldn't call him a statue because he moved and did human gestures, but he was not that far from one, in all honesty. His eyes were the color of a very light sea; I guess you could say he had tide eyes. I could look at them all day, and I wondered what he saw in mine. If he noticed I was thinking or feeling any of this, I would be so embarrassed that I'd prefer to bury myself underground. I kept my cool and tried to maintain a blank, solemn expression without betraying any emotion.
"What are you wondering? Sometimes, I feel a little awkward when you look at me like that, you know? Is that what you want from me?" I asked him, and it made him laugh. His laugh was a composed one; for a moment, I thought he was faking it until I saw the corners of his eyes crinkling, indicating he was actually laughing.
"I'm merely trying to understand you, Levi," he said pronouncing my name perfectly, and returning to his solemn expression. That was the first time he had called me by my first name; I couldn't sit still, my body vibrating with excitement, anxiety, and a fluttery feeling. What was so cryptic about me that he wanted to understand, I did not know. I wasn't that much of an interesting person, but Edmund seemed intent on "understanding" me. "I think we should get back to our research, Edmund," I told him because we had indeed wasted a good chunk of the class talking, and in those moments, it had certainly been just the two of us. Whatever we were doing. Everyone else seemed very concentrated on their work. Professor Mortimer appeared to be reviewing some sort of documents, or maybe even essays, from the looks of them. I noticed that when I called him Edmund, he wasn't expecting it. He jumped a little backward and tilted his head but otherwise remained silent. To further amplify that effect, I had made sure to pronounce it in the same way he would, pronouncing every letter and with a hint of a British accent poking out. Now, I understood why he had wanted a group of two and not more. It seemed to me that he was looking for these interactions with me. Nevertheless, I kept wondering what it was about me that drew his attention.
"I agree," he replied, "Levi," mimicking how I had mimicked him. I shook my head, rolled my eyes and focused on the project. Seriously, I doubted at this rate how much of the research we were going to get done by the end of the semester if we kept doing that. In the time that remained, we managed to grasp the conceptual focus of the research and outline our approach. The classroom clock marked 10 am, and the professor stood up.
"Okay, students, class is over. We're going to dedicate each Monday, the full hours of the subject, for you to work on the research. This doesn't mean you're not going to have to dedicate your own time at home, progressing on it. Don't forget the Humanities department has the largest library at this University. Use it well, make a good research paper. Excel. See you next class," he wrapped up and gathered his belongings. Edmund stood up, analyzed me, and said, "I'll see you at the end of today's classes at the library. Be there on time," he exclaimed, chuckled, showing his beautiful teeth, spun around, and left the classroom.
This man clearly enjoyed messing with me. He noticed it bothered me to arrive late to places, and he made fun of it. I would have to find a way to get back at him for these jokes. I glanced around and realized that I had to get ready to leave; I had been so entranced in my own thoughts that the professor was looking anxiously at me, waiting for me to react, so he could lock the classroom. "Get going, Winters," he called out to me. Aimee, who was outside, right next to him, burst into laughter. Obviously, she had noticed everything that had transpired this morning, and I could already foresee a good talk coming up.
We strolled down the hallway towards the cafeteria alongside Aimee. One of the first things she inquired about was my recent interaction with Edmund. Honestly, I was taken aback by the fact that we had finally started talking; a wave of jitters surged through my body. The idea of meeting him at the library after class thrilled me beyond measure, and I found myself grinning from ear to ear.
"So, what was it like?" Aimee asked. "Actually, what was he like?" Her earnest curiosity was palpable. I empathized with her. It seemed everyone was as intrigued by Edmund as I was. Well, probably not the guy he had turned down, but most people were.
"He's different," I replied, trying to articulate my thoughts accurately. I didn't want to disclose more than was necessary. What could I say? Beautiful? Distant? Otherworldly? I didn't think so. I resolved to be honest, without revealing too much. "He doesn't crave other people's approval. But for some inexplicable reason, he seemed interested in forming a group with just the two of us. He didn't hesitate to turn down our classmate who wanted to join us. He's peculiar, and I'm unsure about how to handle it," I admitted, uncertain about my next steps. I had no desire to experience heartbreak again, and this guy was undeniably waving red flags. Yet, oddly enough, that was what drew me to him the most. Masochistic. As humans, we often harbor a fascination for the bizarre. We're morbid with the things we enjoy. We have a drive for the obscure. We venture into the unknown, even when it promises pain, even when there's no light to break out the dawn. I was embarking on a journey to uncharted territories, which was both terrifying and exhilarating.
"I think you should focus on your school research and maintain your distance. He might be handsome, Levi," she advised, gripping my arm gently, "but I don't want you to get hurt. You have good friends already, you don't need him." Her deep, expressive eyes met mine, conveying her sincere concern. I had to concede that she had made a valid point. I didn't need to start something new with anyone else. He seemed dangerous, yet I loathed admitting that his allure was irresistible. I despised feeling like prey drawn to a trap. My thoughts were muddled; I wasn't sure if I had feelings for him or if I was merely attracted to his appearance. Moreover, I was clueless about whether Edmund even liked me. As far as I knew, he wasn't aware of my sexuality, and I had no idea about his. What if he was straight? It seemed like a straight path to heartache, no pun intended.
In the midst of these contemplations, we arrived at the cafeteria. The sight of food triggered a rumble in my stomach, and the weight of my backpack strained my shoulder. As I approached the food stands, I noticed the classmate Edmund had turned down. He was seated with a group of boys and girls from our grade. I felt a pang of guilt about the entire situation and wanted to apologize. As I walked towards them, I saw Edmund two tables behind, within earshot.
"Hey, may I speak with you for a moment?" I asked him. Rising from his seat, we moved a bit apart from the group. I had nothing to hide, so it didn't matter if Edmund overheard me apologizing to this guy.
"I'm genuinely sorry about earlier. I totally wanted you to be part of our group. I have no idea why Edmund behaved as he did," I confessed, looking down in contrition. I decided to meet his gaze, adopting a soft, persuasive look that I typically use when I want to convince someone of something. He was a typical boy-next-door: blond hair, brown eyes, no distinguishing features. Although he was rather plain, he seemed friendly and touched by my apology.
"It's fine, really. I'm Tyler. Would you like to join us for a meal, or perhaps we could go to another table, just the two of us?" He offered. He seemed pleasant, but was he flirting with me? I didn't share his feelings if that was the case. It made me wonder how many gay or queer individuals attended this university. It was, after all, a Christian institution. But that didn't concern me. I had chosen this school for its prestige, research excellence, and job prospects. Getting accepted here wasn't easy; it was costly and required excellent grades. My parents had invested every penny just for the application. It made me remembered when I had considered different school options.
Earlier this year, as I was about to finish high school and still living at home, back in Perthens, my parents and I had discussed a few notable universities. I had initially hoped to study abroad at renowned institutions like the Sorbonne or Salamanca in Spain. However, my parents quickly dismissed the idea, asking if I thought "money grew on trees." I was slightly disappointed, but decided to explore options closer to home where I could apply for scholarships. Afterwards, it dawned on me that I might not have fared well so far away from them. I had a few options: Summitcrest University and Ambrose University, both prestigious and secular. Ambrose had the additional perk, of being in the country's capital, Valgard. However, Midnight Sun University offered a full scholarship and ranked higher, despite being more expensive and Christian. The only downside was that it was religious, and I didn't feel very excited about that idea at the time. My parents' pressure, coupled with the acceptance, also played a role in my decision.
My reminiscing was abruptly interrupted when Edmund rose from his seat, gave Tyler a once-over, and stormed out of the cafeteria, leaving his food untouched. Was he upset with me? I decided to ask him later in the afternoon. "Thank you, Ty. May I call you that?" After he nodded, I continued, "I'm here with Aimee, so perhaps now isn't the best time. But thank you for the invitation," I said, trying to be sincere. I didn't want others to know about my sexuality or seeing me dating anyone. Besides, I wasn't attracted to Tyler that way. Despite feeling content with the interaction, I was worried about Edmund's abrupt departure. Aimee was busy with her snack, so I hurried to the food stand, made my selection, paid at the e-cashier, and sat down.
"Everything went fine. But I think Tyler—that's his name—just asked me to sit with him," I relayed to Aimee, detailing the encounter and Edmund's exit.
"Yeah, I saw him leave. He seemed slightly upset, which is unusual since he's always so neutral, never revealing his emotions," she observed from her perspective. His upset expression was indeed a departure from his usual… composed demeanor, for lack of a better word. I hoped he wouldn't stand me up at the library later.
We finished our snack and headed for the rest of the classes. The rest of the day was uneventful and somewhat tedious. What's more, I felt a rippling anxiety over what had happened which didn't really let me pay attention and focus on the class, for that matter. Aimee noticed my incessant clock-watching and nail-biting. "Are you okay, Levi?" she inquired. "Yeah, totally fine, don't worry!" I lied. While I was open about my feelings and experiences, I didn't enjoy oversharing to the point of feeling vulnerable. I often wondered how much Aimee actually perceived. I've noticed that women, especially girls, tend to pick up on more subtleties than men do. It seems to hold true no matter how gay you are. Just joking!
As the clock struck 5 p.m., signaling the end of class, I bid Aimee goodbye and rushed towards the library. Unfortunately, there was no direct path from the Humanities Department building, so I made my way down to the main reception. As I approached the exit, I admired the capybara statue that I loved. Descending the steps, I followed the trail to the right, guided by signposts leading to the library.
The library building resembled the Pantheon in Rome, with massive marble columns, an array of steps leading to its entrances, and a circular dome sitting behind a triangular pediment adorned with religious statues carved into the stone. Surrounded by the lush campus park's forest, the library presented an intriguing and somewhat ominous site, tempting one to stay and study for hours on end. As I climbed up the steps and entered the library, I was struck by the level of detail within. A crystal dome allowed natural light to pour over the study tables. The first thing to catch one's attention was the reception desk manned by a librarian. Beyond that, countless dark oak tables were arranged, each accompanied by a classic reading lamp and armchairs. There was another section, furnished with old-fashioned sofas for comfortable reading. Despite the significant number of students present, the library was enveloped in a tranquil silent environment. This was where university students from every department came to study, which explained its impressive size. Beyond the sofas and study tables were countless shelves, each bearing intricate carvings of angels in the dark brown wood.
In my haste, and after contemplating the imposing library I spotted Edmund—a young man with a red cardigan and auburn hair busily making notes on his laptop—I approached him, my chest heaving.
"Hi, you came," I said, resting my hand on my knee, attempting to catch my breath.
"Hello, Levi. Of course, I came. I told you I would, and I never falter on my word," he said, his eyes locked with mine. Why did he always look at me that way whenever we were together? Was it normal for him? I don't hold eye contact with people I meet every day. It might creep them out, but this certainly didn't creep me out. Instead, it was exhilarating and exciting. My heart was beating uncontrollably. "Stop it!" I thought. Eventually, I sat down and pulled out my laptop, intending to start researching cognitive therapy on the web.
"Though it seemed for a moment that you weren't coming after making a new friend," he confessed. I knew it upset him for some odd reason, that I wasn't aware of and now it made me much more intrigued about it.
"Why does it matter to you?" I asked, my tone more curious than confrontational. Why was I suddenly so important to him? He glanced sideways, his body language suggesting he was feeling nervous. Had my question made him uncomfortable? It genuinely didn't make much sense.
"Just because, Levi," he answered. "Just because," he repeated. I didn't know what to reply. We remained in that conversational limbo until he broke the silence.
"Okay, I'm sorry. Let's get to work, shall we?" We spent the rest of the evening working, making some progress in our research. We made a good team, and he lightened the mood with his sassy jokes every now and then. He could switch from being serious to completely silly. His expression remained solemn, his gaze intense. Just when I thought he was about to criticize me, he asked me, "Did you know that if it has four legs, a tail and it barks, it's a dog?" We both burst out laughing until the librarian shushed us. "Oh, yeah," I replied sarcastically, adding, "You don't say." We erupted into laughter again until the librarian warned, "Guys, if you keep laughing, I'm going to have to ask you to leave." After she left, we composed ourselves and zipped it. Hours passed, and it was already evening. I checked the time on my phone and told him, "Jacob will be worried if I don't return home now."
"Who's Jacob?" he asked, a hint of menace creeping into his voice before he quickly controlled it.
"Oh, he's just my roommate," I replied, laughing softly and feeling oddly self-conscious. Had he just been worried about who Jacob was? What did this all mean?
"Who would I be if I don't make sure you have a proper dinner before heading home?" he said. My mouth fell open in surprise. "Close your mouth or a fly might come in," he added, causing me to blush profusely; I must have turned as red as a tomato. Had he just asked me out?
"Are you asking me to go to a restaurant?" I asked, uncertain why he would propose such a thing after only formally meeting today.
"Yeah… I guess I am. It's the right thing to do anyway," he replied. Still shocked by the proposal, but definitely elated, I agreed.