TW: Abortion
It turns out that it's difficult to completely get rid of the pain I felt. It didn't immediately leave my mind, even though I believed it was ended. I believed I might regain my joy.
I was left dumbfounded by everything he said, including, "Why did you hurt me like this? I desire everything and I can give it to you, but all you gave me in return was pain. You won't even mourn for our son; I can't even see your shadow on our son's grave. Your such a badass Aza!"
He had no idea what I had been through and hadn't even considered how hurt I was. But I can't help it, it's all my fault, so he has the right to be angry with me.
"I did it for us Caden," I muttered slowly.
"Fuck!" he shouted. "You didn't do that for us, you did that for yourself. For your personal preferences. You only care about yourself."
I immediately turned my back on him to leave, but he immediately grabbed my arm and made me face him.
"What Aza? You're going to run away from me again now, why are you hurt by what I said? You always do that. You always fool me." He exploded.
"You expect me to forgive you? You had so many chances to tell me the truth but you didn't! That's the lie that you want to keep telling yourself, that you were forced, that you didn't mean to but you did!" He shouted.
It was as if something was blocking my throat because I couldn't speak and defend myself from what he was saying.
"Go away, I don't have to explain anything to you," I whispered and removed his tight grip on my arm.
"I'm asking you, again. Do you regret it?" He begged for my answer. I heard how the pain he was feeling subsided.
From this moment, I want to lie to him. I have a lot of regrets and feel like I wasn't living a normal life at the time I aborted our child.
"No."
I saw his razor-sharp eyes.
"Damn! Why did you do that? Why are you acting like nothing happened? Like you didn't blame me? Like you didn't kill my son!"
I bite the inside of my cheeks. I looked at our connection with so much love and longing. I shook my head again and again, just a little bit and I wanted to take my heart to get rid of the pain I was feeling.
At that time I was not ready to be a mother. I still don't know how I can properly take care of our future child. We both have a dream, especially him, I don't want to ruin his dream just because he got me pregnant.
"You are so hard to love Azalea, and I will never love you again. You are disgusting!"
I stopped, my heart pumping so painfully that I pressed the tips of my fingers together to try to keep my emotions. My thin thread patience snapped.
"So what if I am?" I shouted with all anger. "What do you want me to do? What do you want to hear from me? That I revive our son who has been in the pit for several years? What? Tell me!"
I couldn't stop myself and hit him while crying, he immediately grabbed me and hugged me.
"I don't regret it because we were only 21 at the time, Caden! We couldn't bring our son back to life if I did."
He shook his head slowly. He did not want to accept my explanation. So I don't want to explain anything to him because I know he won't believe me.
I sacrificed for the sake of both of us, I know what I did was a sin in the eyes of God and people but there is nothing I can do. It's over and I still can't get my son back.
"No. But that's our child Aza. You didn't even inform me that our child will be aborted. That's our child." It's like he can't finish what he has to say, I know that pain is drawing on his face.
I immediately moved away from him as I wiped the tears that were flowing down my cheeks. His eyes saw me crying now.
"Because I know you won't agree Caden, I know that if you beg me not to abort the child I will follow you. I know that Caden that's why I made the decision alone."
He didn't answer. His lips were quivering and I knew mine were too. We were wrong to do that, allowing our youthful lust to take over without considering the consequence.
"You don't want a family with me," he whispered enough for me to hear.
"I'm so sorry Caden, I love you so bad but I wasn't ready to be a mother at that time," I said then turned around and leave. I left him crying there.
Some people, including Caden, will not understand all the sacrifices I made because they are not in my position. They will say a lot but in the end, you are still the loser. You will still take care of your child, you will still sacrifice and give up on your dreams. I don't want to make another mistake and another mistake.
That day came to an end with me staring blankly at the sky. I ask myself when the wound in my chest will heal. Things I would never have imagined, times when I couldn't stop crying.
"You alright?" Kate asked.
I shook my head since I didn't want to hide my emotions. Furthermore, they are unaware of what occurred to Caden and me. They just know that he is an ex-boyfriend of mine and that we broke up. They are unaware of anything I have gone through.
He questioned bewildered, "What happened? Is it Caden again?"
I merely grinned while sobbing. I want to tell them everything that hurts, yet I don't want them to know. Only me and Caden are aware. I'm curious as to why he is so upset with me for not telling our child about my abortion.
"Shh,"
I didn't deserve what happened to me today, is this the payback for killing my son? I sobbed a much.
Soon I stood up. I told Kate that I needed to go home. She didn't like it because I was still crying but she didn't do anything after I left.
I got into my car and drove it, I was so fast that I wouldn't notice the cars passing by. It's like I'm floating on a cloud while driving.
Until I don't notice a big truck in front of me now. I seem to have lost the idea of how to control my car. My heart was beating fast and I didn't realize that I had hit the truck.
Now that my blood is flowing throughout my body, I am trapped in the car and am unable to move. As my vision slowly blurs, I'm about to cry when someone unlocks my car and grabs my face.
His voice was raspy, "A-azalea, please wake up, don't go to sleep."
My ex-boyfriend and the father of our unborn child was Caden Fiero. He's still enraged at me. I would like to gaze at him but am unable to. I could clearly see his eyes that were very worried. I can't stop smiling even though I know my condition is not good.
I don't know why he's still here, he was mad at me just now but now he's begging me not to sleep. But I can't really do it anymore, my whole body is numb.
There are tears forming in his eyes, his hair is messy. On the other side I see a group of people. And an ambulance approaching us.
"C-caden," I said with difficulty. I couldn't continue what I was going to say due to nervousness and weakness. I just sighed because I had no more energy.
When I heard him say, "Azalea please, I'm sorry. Please wake up, Love," I smiled just at him before I passed out entirely.