0th time[]
I only grasped the literal truth of 'love can change the world' when I was sixteen.
How many times have I already thought that life is just too tedious to bear, with its endless repetition of habits and habits and habits? I've seriously considered ending my life so many times—I couldn't possibly count them if I used both of my hands, or even if I used both of my feet as well.
I was horribly bored.
But I never gave voice to my feelings, and always behaved cheerfully. After all, it won't do you any good if you openly display such a negative attitude for everyone to see. I tried to be on good terms with everyone, which isn't all that difficult. If you avoid thinking deeply about strong points and weak points or likes and dislikes, you can get along with everyone.
A number of people gathered around me, and they all told me the same thing.
"You're always so cheerful. You sure are worry-free, right?"
Ah, yes. Everyone, thank you so much for being completely deceived. Thank you so much for being ignorant of my ugliness until now. Thanks to you, I've come to want to throw everything away.
I think I know when this boredom began.
Each and every person is just too self-centered.
When I exchanged email addresses with a boy and replied regularly to his emails, he got all excited and confessed to me without any encouragement on my part. When I tried to avoid ignoring a boy who was being snubbed by the other girls, he mistook it for affection on my part and confessed to me. When someone invited me to go see a movie and I only accepted because it was impolite to turn him down, he confessed to me. When I went home together with someone several times because we happened to live in the same direction, he confessed to me.
Afterwards, they all made faces as if I were betraying them, even though they only had themselves to blame, and ended up resenting me. I was also resented by the girls who were in love with those boys. Selfish. Self-centered. I was hurt every time and became covered with scars. Eventually, I didn't even notice the new scars forming when I got hurt anymore. That's when I finally noticed—
I'd just need to associate with each and every person halfheartedly without ever getting too involved. I'd just need to read the mood properly and converse shallowly. I would not show them my true self. I would just need to close up my shell in order to protect my delicate interior.
And then I became bored.
Even when I only showed them my outer shell, no one noticed any difference.
They all said the same thing to me.
"You're always so cheerful. You sure are worry-free, right?"
What a wonderful success.
You should all just disappear.
It was an ordinary day after school. As always, I was smiling while making casual chit-chat with the strangers around me who pretended to be friends. Then, all of a sudden, without any special impetus—
I was struck by a certain concept that suddenly gained shape, and made me think of a certain word.
'Solitude'
Aah, I was completely—alone.
Alone. I see, so I was alone. Despite being surrounded by people, I was alone. I felt strangely pleased. This word fit perfectly.
But this word promptly bared its fangs and attacked me. It was the first time I realized that such utter solitude was accompanied by pain. My chest hurt, I couldn't breathe. And even when I was finally able to take a breath, it felt as if the air were full of needles. Pain pierced my lungs. My sight turned black for a moment, and I thought that my life might as well be over. But my sight returned right away and life didn't end so easily. I didn't know what to do. I don't know. Help me. Someone, help me.
"What's the matter?"
Somebody had noticed my difficulties and said to me:
"You look very happy smiling like that."
Eh?
I'm smiling—?
I raised my hands to my cheeks because I couldn't understand his words.
The corners of my lips were certainly lifted.
"Really, you're always so cheerful. You sure are worry-free, right?"
I laughed out loud. "Yeah, I'm happy!" I laughed. I laughed without even knowing why.
At that moment, the people around me gradually became transparent. One by one they turned transparent. They turned transparent and disappeared, so I couldn't see them anymore. Some voices continued to address me, but I couldn't hear them anymore. Yet somehow I was still able to reply properly. I didn't get it.
Before I knew it, the classroom was empty. I was the only one left.
But I'm sure I was the one who made it empty.
I rejected everyone.
"I have an appointment, so I'll go now."
Although I couldn't see anyone, I spoke with a smile and picked up my bag. My relationship with everyone else probably didn't require me to specifically address anyone. I should have just spoken to the wall from the start if that's how it was.
And yet, why?
"…Excuse me, but are you alright?"
Although there should have been no one there, for some reason I could clearly hear those words. I had just passed the school gates when I was brought back in a flash, and everything became visible once more.
When I turned around, I saw a boy from my class standing there, all out of breath. Apparently, he'd been chasing after me.
His name was definitely Kazuki Hoshino. We weren't intimate, nor was he special in any way – all I knew about him was his name.
"What do you mean?"
As I asked that question, I realized that a strange expectation had enveloped me.
After all, he wouldn't ask whether I'm 'alright' unless he noticed something was wrong. It meant that he might have been able to sense my transformation–something impossible even for the people who were near me and interacting with me at the time.
"Err… how should I put it? You looked very 'distant'… or, I'm not sure, but it seemed like you weren't part of everyday life…"
He spoke with great difficulty and couldn't get to the point at all.
"Err… never mind if I was just reading too much into things. Sorry for saying such strange things."
He seemed to feel awkward and was about to leave.
"…wait a moment."
I kept him from leaving. He inclined his head slightly and looked at me.
"E-err…"
I might have stopped him, but what should I say now?
But hey—he was able to describe me as 'distant', even though I was smiling in that lonesome classroom.
"…do I always look cheerful?"
If he responded like everyone else, then he'd be just like everyone else.
Ah, I had great expectations of him. I had enormous expectations that he would deny my statement and truly understand me.
"Yeah. Well…you do look that way," he hesitantly responded.
Upon hearing those words, I became utterly disenchanted with him, lost all my interest and immediately started to hate him. I was surprised by the strength of the pendulum-like reversal of my feelings, but I had probably set my expectations far too high.
But that boy who I now hated added the following words:
"You're really trying hard, aren't you?"
My feelings swung like a pendulum once more and my hatred was inverted once again. My face couldn't keep up with the sudden shifts–but my heart felt strangely warm.
Trying hard. Trying hard to look cheerful.
That's correct. Even more correct than denying that I looked cheerful.
And so I–fell in love.
I'm aware that I'm just making a convenient assumption. Just because he said that I was trying hard doesn't mean that he truly understands me. I'm aware of that. But even so – that assumption is constantly on my mind.
At first, I thought this would just be a temporary feeling. But it soon grew to the point where it couldn't be reversed. My feelings for him were piling up, like a winter snowdrift that never melts away, until they completely covered my heart. Despite being aware that he might become the world to me if things proceeded in this manner, for some reason I didn't mind it at all.
After all, Kazuki Hoshino rescued me from that lonesome classroom and dispelled my boredom.
If he vanished from my heart, I was sure that I'd return to that wasteland.
I'd return to that lonesome classroom where I was all alone.
My world had been changed so easily. That I had been bored seemed like a lie. I felt as if my emotions had been plugged into a powerful amplifier. Now, just greeting him makes me happy. At the same time, I feel sad that I can do barely more than greet him. I get happy when I talk to him. I get sad because I can only talk with him for a little bit. My heart feels itchy and kind of broken—yet I'm somehow content.
Yeah! I'll get on good terms with you without fail!
First, I'd like to start calling each other by our first names.
—————-...
"Do you have a wish?"
He seems to exist everywhere, but does not exist anywhere. He seems to resemble everyone, but he doesn't resemble anyone. I can't even tell if the person speaking to me is male or female.
A wish?
Of course I have one.
"This is a 'box' that grants any wish."
I accept it with my blood-stained hands.
I immediately understand that this is the real thing. Therefore, I am determined not to relinquish this box.
It'd be the same for anyone, wouldn't it? I don't believe that there's anyone who would give up such a treasure.
So I make a wish.
While knowing it's impossible, I make a wish with all my heart.
"—I don't want to have any—regrets."
If you're reading this light novel, chances are that you don't need this note. On the other hand, you may find the diversity of commentary on the subject interesting, especially as you scroll further down the page. See
27,755th time[]
"Come on, isn't there something different about me today? Isn't there?"
Kokone walks up to me looking the same as always. She's already asked me this question at some point in the past. What's the right answer again?
"…you've applied mascara."
"Ooh! Thumbs up, Kazu-kun!"
Seems like I was right.
"…so, how is it?"
"Yeah, you look cute," I say without hesitation. Once again, it's the correct answer. I wasn't being too serious, but Kokone is satisfied once she hears the word 'cute' and nods with a smile.
"Mhm, mhm. I see, you have great prospects. Hey, you—lad with a twisted personality! You ought to follow his example."
She folds her arms with contentment and turns her head toward Daiya.
"I'd rather bite off that tongue than say that."
"Ah, the entire world would breathe a sigh of relief. Please proceed."
"No, not my tongue—I'm talking about yours."
"Haha! So you desire an intense deep kiss with me? Please don't get carried away by your fascination for me~"
With no awareness of the situation I'm in, both of them start insulting each other at light speed like always.
Shortly thereafter, Daiya brings up the matter of the transfer student.
Please come soon, Otonashi-san.
✵
"I'm Aya Otonashi. I have no interest in anyone but Kazuki Hoshino and the owner."
The classroom gets noisy at this point.
Umm, Otonashi-san? You're a transfer student, so sure, you can distance yourself from your classmates on your first day. But I've been in this class for almost a year, so it doesn't work like that for me, you know?
"What does she mean by 'the owner'? Who's the possession? Does she mean 'the person that possesses Hoshino'?"
"Isn't that simply his 'girlfriend'?"
"Which means that Kazuki-kun has a 'girlfriend' and the transfer student Otonashi-san is searching for her? Why?"
"I guess there was something between him and Otonashi-san. Maybe they're going out… so he's two-timing them?!"
"Exactly! That's it without fail! That version seems funnier, so let's go with it!"
"So while having complex feelings of love and hate for Hoshino, she's chased after him and transferred to our school. I'm sure that's it."
"Which means Hoshino has… seduced such a beauty?! Damn it!!"
Our classmates carry on as they please while ignoring us, the actual parties involved. Where the heck do they get these ideas?
"So, Hoshino actually… only toyed with me…"
"What?! You were the other one?!"
"No… I was probably just an extra… the third, no, there must have been more."
"Wha…that bastard!"
Kokone pretends to cry while Daiya uses this opportunity to raise his voice in a way that he normally wouldn't. Geez, why do those two only cooperate at times like these…
"…How bothersome," Otonashi-san murmurs. "Thanks to you, they got even more interested in me rather than being put off."
Err… how is that my fault?
✵
Right after the first lesson, Otonashi-san and I rush out of the classroom. While some of my classmates naturally cheer me on, I also sense some bloodthirsty glances from some of the guys—but there's no time to worry about stuff like that.
We arrive at our usual spot—the back of the school building.
We won't bother to attend class anymore.
"I see. Working with you means that I automatically get dragged into your relationship network. Jeez… that's impractical."
No, I'm pretty sure the problem is what you said to them.
"But it's the first time within these 27,755 iterations that rejecting them has had a negative effect. This is truly amusing!"
"Umm, I don't know if you should find this amusing…"
"Don't be like that. Even to me new experiences are kind of exciting. Also, the circumstances have shifted a lot just because we started working together. That's a welcome change."
"What do you mean?"
"There may be a new clue that I didn't pick up on while I was alone."
From that perspective, it's definitely worth it to cooperate, but…well…
Surprisingly, she may be right. After all, she doesn't know how class 1-6 functioned before today. She can't compare today with previous days. For example, she doesn't know that my love for Mogi-san evolved between today and yesterday—in other words, during the Rejecting Classroom.
"But what should we do now, specifically?"
"…about that, Kazuki. I mulled it over and arrived at the conclusion that you may still be the key to the Rejecting Classroom."
"Eh? So you're still suspicious of me?"
"That's not it. Let me ask you: how are you able to retain your memories?"
"Eh… who knows?"
"It's a mystery, isn't it? Sure, I can sense certain differences between you and the others, but isn't it still strange that you're the only one who can retain his memories?"
"Well… of course."
"Thus, I assume that your ability is also driven by the goals of the owner."
"E..rr…?"
"You're dull as always. In other words, it might also be in the interest of the owner that you keep your memories."
It's a goal of the Rejecting Classroom that I keep my memories?
"That's not possible. I don't always retain my memories, do I? If it weren't for you, I probably would have kept losing my memories like everyone else."
"Indeed, you can say that's the flaw in my hypothesis. However, it's possible that your memory retention is just as corrupt as this world's reproduction of the past. You could explain that behavior if you consider this contradiction: the past cannot be perfectly reproduced if you retain your memories."
That might indeed be possible. But for some reason it doesn't make sense to me.
"In the first place, what meaning is there in letting me retain my memories?"
"How should I know?" she bluntly answers. "But I know what feeling moves people the most."
"What?"
Otonashi-san looks deep into my eyes and speaks.
"Love."
"…'love'…?"
The fearsome look on her face keeps me from linking that word with its meaning right away. Aah, love?
"Otonashi-san, that was quite cute of you."
Otonashi-san gazes at me with cold eyes.
"What is? Sufficiently intense love doesn't differ from hatred in any way."
"The same as hatred?" I'm taken aback. "…t-they're completely different!"
"They're the same. …No, they are certainly different. Love's a worse feeling than hatred because people aren't aware of its filthiness. It's just repulsive."
Repulsive, huh…
"That doesn't matter now. Kazuki, is there anyone who comes to mind?"
"You mean someone who's in love with me, right? No way, there—"
I am about to say there's no one like that, when I suddenly remember.
There is one person.
If she wasn't joking when she confessed to me over the phone—there is one candidate.
"Looks like you thought of someone."
"..."
"What is it?"
"…err, well. The girl that's in love with me doesn't necessarily have to be the culprit, right?"
"Of course not. This piece of evidence alone is far from enough to conclude whether that person is the culprit or not. However, there is no reason not to investigate this possibility."
"No… well… there's no way she could be the culprit."
"What makes you so sure that she isn't the owner?"
I simply don't want her to be the culprit. I'm aware of that.
"We have an unlimited amount of time as long as we're inside the Rejecting Classroom. We shall take every opportunity to get closer to the owner."
"…but so far you haven't been successful using that method, right?"
"You're quite offensive today, huh? But you are correct. However, we have the new clue that your ability to retain memories is part of the designs of the owner. I have never investigated with that in mind before. We might be able to obtain new information this way."
"But—"
"Shouldn't you want to clear her all the more because she's someone you want to trust?"
Right. Otonashi-san is spot-on.
I must have my doubts about that person as well, which makes me not want to investigate her.
"...I got it. I'll help you."
"You shouldn't just help me; rather, you should take the lead."
She's right. I'm the one who wants to escape from the Rejecting Classroom.
…Still… something has been bothering me rather strongly for a while now. Something feels off.
"Well then, let's go."
"W-Wait a sec!"
"Why are you wavering?! My patience is beginning to wear thin, you know!"
What is it that bothers m— ah, I see.
When I recognize the source of this strange feeling, my ears start to burn.
"Mh? What's wrong, Kazuki? Your face is all red."
"Ah, no, it's just, you're—"
Why did she start calling me 'Kazuki' instead of 'Hoshino'?
"What? What are you talking about? …Hey, why is your face getting even redder?"
"…S-Sorry. Never mind."
When did she start calling me by my first name? Not even my parents address me that way.
I guess my face is turning even redder now.
"…? …Okay, I guess? Anyhow, let's get going."
'Otonashi-san' turns her back to me and starts walking.
"Y-Yeah…"
Should I respond by calling her something other than 'Otonashi-san' as well? If I followed her example, I would have to call her… 'Aya'?
…Nonono!! I can't! I can't! That's out of question!!
Make that 'Aya-san' at least… no, that's still unacceptable. But 'Otonashi-san' is too reserved. I should use something that's easier to say and a bit more casual.
"Ah…"
One possibility comes to mind. It's also quite embarrassing to say, but since I've used that name several times already, it should work.
"...Maria."
When I murmur this name in a low tone, 'Otonashi-san' stops and turns around. Her eyes are wide open.
"Uwa! S-Sorry!!" I apologize instinctively after witnessing her unexpectedly sharp reaction.
"…Why are you apologizing? You just surprised me a little."
"…So you're not angry?"
"Why should I be angry? Call me whatever you like."
"I, I see…"
Otonashi-sa… no, 'Maria's' mouth relaxes.
"But still, you chose Maria of all things… Heh."
"Ah, well… if you don't like it…"
"I don't mind. I just affirmed something once more."
"Err… what did you affirm?"
For some reason, Maria smiles gently.
"That you, Kazuki, are an amusing fellow."
✵
I am rummaging through something.
We've returned to the classroom, and now I am rummaging through the belongings of the girl who seems to be fond of me.
Of course I'm not doing it because I want to, and I also feel extremely sleazy.
Her class is in P.E. at the moment. Maria decided that instead of speaking to her directly, we should use this opportunity to search her belongings for clues.
Since I've silently come to the same conclusion, I obeyed her while feeling sleazy nonetheless.
By the way, this search is only likely to yield fruit if I'm the one doing it. Maria has already searched through everyone's belongings several times. Judging by the current state of affairs, she hasn't found anything useful yet, which is fair enough. Maria won't pick up on any potentially significant changes since she's only known us for a single day.
"Huu…"
The girl has used clean and colorful lines to bring some structure to her textbooks. Her notes are neatly written with small and rounded letters. And she has also used lots of colors here. At the left edge of one page is a drawing of a cat. And there's another drawing on the next page in the same spot. The same cat on the next page… at that point I realize this is meant to be a flip book. When I try flipping through it, the cat flies away on a rocket that it has built from a tin can. I start smiling before Maria's scowls rein me in.
All in all, I find a lot of girlish things. The colors of her belongings are generally pink or white. Her iPod is filled with J-Pop. Her wallet isn't inside her bag, so she's probably carrying it around with her.
"Oh!"
I find a neatly decorated cell phone- a treasure trove of personal information.
I've been hoping to find some clues, but the cell phone is locked so I can't dig any deeper. …on the other hand, I'm relieved that I can't do so.
I check out the makeup pouch next to the pink hand mirror. This should be the foundation, this is the colored lipstick, this is the eyeliner, these are the scissors that she uses to trim her eyebrows, and finally an object that seems quite new… mascara, I guess.
"—"
Oh?
Something's strange.
"Did you find anything, Kazuki?"
"...I don't know yet…"
I rummage through the contents of the makeup pouch once more. I don't think there's anything special in there.
"Maria, does anything in this makeup pouch catch your eye?"
"No? I've searched through it already before, but I didn't find anything special—"
Her face freezes in the middle of her sentence.
"—wait, that can't be. She shouldn't have that item. There's no way I failed to notice it over these 27,755 loops. But… as a matter of fact—"
"Eh? Did you find something?"
"…Kazuki. After seeing this, you should have felt something."
"…eh? …mhh, well, I thought that using makeup doesn't really fit her image."
"Good grief!"
Maria contorts her face bitterly.
I go on searching the bag for further clues. Inside it, I feel something familiar and take it out.
"Ah—"
They're getting triggered…
When I see the familiar wrappers, my memories resurface.
"Could you possibly have accepted my confession if I'd chosen a different approach?"
"Aah, okay. So I just need to continue confessing until I succeed, right?"
No way.
No way.
No way.
I won't believe such nonsense.
This is just a coincidence. It has to be a mere coincidence, but the memories that surface in my mind are way too ridiculous to be a product of my imagination—
"—Maria, what's your favorite food?"
"…Why are you talking about that right now? " Maria looks at me and frowns. "…Hey, what's wrong, Kazuki? You don't look good!"
"…You know, my favorite snack is Umaibō."
I reveal the object that I've just removed from the bag.
It's an Umaibō package.
"I especially like the Corn Potage flavor. But I haven't told anyone because no one cares. I often eat Umaibō in the classroom, I'm quite unfaithful, so to speak, when it comes to flavor, and eat different ones all the time. No one should know that I like Corn Potage flavored Umaibō the most!"
"But you don't like the Teriyaki Burger flavor that much?"
"Which flavor do you like best?"
I pray that I'm just mistaken and look at the snack package again.
No matter how many times I look at it, nothing changes.
It's not Teriyaki Burger flavored. It's a Corn Potage flavored Umaibō.
The memories that have resurfaced are screaming at me.
Even if it's just coincidence that she has a Corn Potage flavored Umaibō in her bag—the images from my just-retrieved memories are undeniable.
She is—the owner.
"Kazuki."
Maria firmly grips my shoulders. Her nails bite into my flesh and bring me back to reality.
"She is definitely the owner. We've finally arrived at our goal… well, not quite."
After Maria spits out these words with great bitterness, I ask, "What do you mean?"
"Someone who makes such a stupid mistake could never have deceived me for 27,755 'School Transfers'."
"But Maria, you have to admit that you didn't know who the owner was, right?"
"That's not true. I probably discovered her identity several times already, but I couldn't retain the knowledge that she's the owner."
"Eh? Why not?"
"I can't say for sure, but I'm guessing that's another function of the Rejecting Classroom. It would make sense. The Rejecting Classroom works as long the owner herself believes that she's inside an unchanging loop. But if someone knew that she's the owner, this prerequisite would crumble away. Hence, as soon someone discovers that she's the owner, that memory gets erased."
"…But we know who the owner is this time."
"Certainly. But that's no cause to rejoice," Maria says in a vexed tone. "If we don't do something about it this time, we're going to lose this clue yet again."
I see. Unless we defeat the owner during this round, we will forget everything we found out during this iteration and begin our search for the culprit from scratch once more.
Maria is clearly annoyed and chews on her lips. Having only one chance to accomplish something might be very irritating, since she's gotten so used to being able to redo everything.
"…But Maria, life's a contest decided by a single round, isn't it? No matter how small the matter is, there's no reset button to return to the last save point."
I'm pretty fond of that line myself, but Maria stares at me with cold eyes.
"What's this misdirected encouragement supposed to achieve?"
She even sighs.
"S-Sorry… you just looked a little irritated."
Upon hearing my apology, Maria relaxes a tiny bit.
"Yeah, I sure am. But not because our situation is unfavorable."
"…but rather?"
"Don't you get it? Although I repeatedly discovered that she's the owner, the Rejecting Classroom has not ended yet. Don't you get what that means?"
I tilt my head.
I don't know if it's directed against me, the culprit or herself, but Maria then spits out some words with great irritation:
"I've lost to the owner many times already."
✵
"Kokone."
"Oh, the master of love, Kazuki Hoshino, has finally arrived!"
As always, Kokone is jokingly teasing me.
It's lunch break at the moment. Maria and I ended up skipping all of our morning classes together, so everyone started teasing us. But thanks to Maria's complete silence, our classmates gave up on teasing us very quickly. Their curious glances are still focused on us though. Well, that's only to be expected.
"Listen, Kokone. To tell you the truth—"
I stop myself. Because Kokone's face has shifted from soft to serious, and she's tugging me by my sleeves.
After taking a peek at Maria, Kokone leads me out of the classroom.
"Kazu-kun, please don't evade my question and give me an honest answer instead."
Right beside the door, Kokone lets go of my sleeve and continues speaking.
"What's the nature of your relationship with Otonashi-san?"
"…Why do you ask?"
I say, despite already knowing the answer. Kokone drops her gaze, and fails to reply.
"I can't describe my relationship with Maria very easily."
Kokone remains quiet, still staring at the ground.
"But I love someone other than Otonashi-san."
Kokone widens her eyes when she hears my words and looks at me.
"So—"
But Kokone doesn't say anything else. She does shift her gaze—which I pick up on right away.
She peers into the classroom and searches for someone.
Her eyes stop moving.
And they are focused on—Kasumi Mogi.
As of March 1st I haven't fallen in love with Mogi-san yet. And during this iteration, the 27,755th, I haven't come in contact with her in any way.
"Kokone, to tell you the truth, there's something I'd like you to do. That is—"
"Yeah. You don't have to say it. I think our conversation up till now has clarified everything for me," Kokone says with a smile. "The cooking room after school—does that work for you? I'll tell you everything then and there!"
Why the cooking room, I wonder for a moment—but right, Kokone is a member of the home economics club.
"We'll probably be the only ones there today."
When I nod, she looks at me again. I can't guess at the thoughts hidden behind her face.
"Kazuki."
Maria, who has been watching us from beyond the door, calls out to me. That's probably the sign for me to back off.
I tell Kokone "later," and am about to turn around.
"Ah, wait a sec!"
Kokone stops me. I stop moving and look at her again.
"Um, can I ask? Ah, but you don't have to answer of course…"
"What is it?"
"Who is the person you love, Kazu-kun?"
I answer on the spot.
"Mogi-san!"
The instant she hears that, Kokone looks down and hides her face. But I noticed her expression already.
Kokone was smiling.