C159 - Similarities
The Niqols camping outside the village turned toward Khan when he walked among them to reach an isolated spot on the shores. None of them tried to talk to him. None dared to question him about the situation in the settlement either. Noticing the spots of blood on his robes already explained enough.
Khan flew back to the marsh after turning off his tracker. Liiza would probably be busy all day, but he didn't mind that too much. He felt the need to remain alone for a while to sort his feelings out.
The bright patch in the sky started to darken when Snow was about to reach the marsh. That sight highlighted the strangeness of the event. It became evident that the proper dawn had yet to arrive, but Khan wasn't in the right mood to think about that.
The Global Army had probably already found an explanation, but Khan didn't care. He needed some time alone, outside from the chaos that the world continued to throw at him. Everything else could return after he dealt with his heavy mind.
Snow left Khan alone after it dropped him near the cave. He only needed to walk for a few minutes to see the familiar blankets and pillows left in the warm nest that the couple had created.
Khan reached the end of the cave and wrapped himself in the blankets before laying his head on a pillow. That cover felt too hot without Liiza cooling him down, but he didn't remove the fabric. Everything there carried his girlfriend's scent, and he wanted to enjoy it before the marsh swept it away.
Two conflicting views of his actions fought inside his mind and mixed at times. Khan's thoughts moved from the disgusting nature of the mission to the massive pain that the Niqols wouldn't face thanks to his actions. His cynical and emotional side held a grand battle that couldn't generate winners.
Both sides were true and wrong at the same time. The nature of his actions was undeniable, but they were also mandatory. Someone had to do it, and the humans suited the task better. Making differences between young and old soldiers was meaningless at that point. Experience couldn't do much when it came to the emotional burden connected to that task.
Someone had to take that pain. Khan had only been unlucky enough to be close to the actual village at that time. The other companions would have taken part in the executions otherwise.
Khan knew that disregarding the negative aspects of the event and consider it as necessary action would be easy. Viewing the mutated Niqols as simple monsters would be harder, but he could probably do that too.
However, forcing the event to lose value in his mind would also make him forget what he had experienced while sitting on the steps. The deep respect felt for the Niqols was something that Khan wanted to hold close. He almost envied the intense emotions that the aliens could experience, and the images in his memories could work as a constant reminder of his desire to learn from them.
The nature of the whole matter would change as soon as Khan used another perspective. He could choose how to feel quite freely due to the peculiarity of the event. He had the chance to forget and ignore, but that didn't fit Lieutenant Dyester's teachings. Zalpa's words about the Niqols' feelings also resounded inside his mind. The aliens wouldn't run away from their emotions, so he shouldn't either.
The admiration for the Niqols wasn't enough to make Khan make that decision. He wanted to experience those feelings because he knew that the world had far better to offer. The happiness that Liiza could generate inside him made that sorrow worth it.
Khan would risk losing his ability to accept the beauty of the world if he rejected its ugly sides. Happiness had such an appealing value because he knew pain and suffering. He had the faint desire to shut everything and turn into a mindless robot that only strived to understand the reason behind his nightmares. Still, Khan couldn't follow through when the scent carried by the blankets and pillows managed to make him feel at peace.
The tiredness accumulated in the past days eventually filled his mind, but he struggled to fall asleep since gruesome images appeared in his vision whenever he closed his eyes. It took Khan a while to accept that he couldn't get rid of them. They were another memory that would forever be part of himself.
The acceptance slowly allowed Khan to rest. The nightmare returned and gave him the chance to compare what he had experienced that morning with the Second Impact. He couldn't decide which was worse, but he didn't want to think about those events in that sense.
The world felt so ugly when Khan inspected it through his nightmare or his most tragic memories, but most people ignored those parts. Many would even be lucky enough to avoid those tragedies throughout their lives.
The sound of faint steps alerted Khan's senses while he was still in the middle of his nightmare. He woke up only to see Liiza standing at the cave's entrance. Dirt and blood covered her torn robe and hair. She had clearly gone through harsh battles, but she disregarded her condition when Khan appeared in her vision.
Liiza gulped as she hurried toward Khan. She managed to crouch toward him before he could sit, and her hands pressed on his side to make sure that he continued to lie down.
"How are you?" Liiza asked in a trembling voice.
The couple had spent many nights together. Khan believed to know almost every expression that Liiza could wear, but her current deep and unmistakable worry left him speechless. That was different from her annoyance or concern toward his sleeping schedule. She was anxious beyond reason, and he was the reason behind that feeling.
"I'm fine," Khan revealed while diverting his gaze. "They weren't strong."
A sob reached Khan's ears and made him glance at Liiza again, but she took his head into his arms before he could look at her face. Her hands were shaking, but she did her best to caress his hair to show her emotional support.
'Am I already too used to this?' Khan wondered while he experienced Liiza's reactions.
Khan didn't even need to question Liiza to understand that she knew about his actions. She was feeling deeply concerned about him, but his apparent indifference made her suffering intensify. She could barely accept that the Niqols had made him go through even more traumatic events.
"Doku and Azni were worried about you since you disappeared so quickly," Liiza explained as she sniffed to clear her nose. "Are you really okay?"
"I think I am," Khan confirmed. "It was necessary, right? Someone had to do it."
A strong tremor ran through Liiza before she took a deep breath and mustered her determination. She pulled Khan away from her chest and tilted his head so that their eyes could meet. Khan saw two wet lines on her cheeks that reflected her natural white glow, but he also noticed her resolve.
"Tell me what happened then," Liiza ordered.
"You don't need to do this," Khan said while showing a faint smile and trying to reach her arm.
Liiza pushed his arm away with her elbow while making sure to keep his head still. Khan understood that she wouldn't let go of the matter until she made sure that he was fine. However, he didn't want to describe the gruesome events that happened in the morning.
"Didn't you hear a repor-?" Khan tried to ask, but Liiza promptly covered his mouth.
"I heard it," Liiza explained, "But I want you to say it. You'd try to face it on your own otherwise."
Liiza slowly freed Khan's mouth and allowed him to reply. "I did face it. It's fine. The world is bad, but I have you. Isn't that enough?"
"Did you understand who you killed?" Liiza asked, and Khan felt unable to reply properly.
Khan diverted his gaze and reviewed his past thoughts. He had accepted what he had done, but something felt off. He had missed something that made him gulp.
Khan had grown so used to the nightmares that sleeping wasn't too much of a problem even if gruesome scenes appeared in his vision whenever he closed his eyes. He had initially thought that his mind needed some time as it did after Istrone. Yet, something else became evident now, and Liiza didn't hesitate to make one of her hands slide through his body until it reached his chest. It stopped right on his azure scar to explain what she meant with her words.
The young Niqols in the village were the victims of mutations caused by a force that they couldn't stop. Khan didn't think about his similarities with those creatures until now. They were an unlucky version of his condition.
"I killed me," Khan whispered. "I killed me many times."
"You have been lucky enough to stabilize your mutations," Liiza added while caressing his cheek. "They have been lucky enough to have you."
"Is that even luck?" Khan asked as his tone grew angrier. "How is it that everyone keeps worshipping mana when all of this happens?"
Liiza remained silent as she took Khan's head back into her arms. She had managed to make him vent. She only had to endure until the outburst was over now.
"Why can't I even get a break?" Khan shouted angrily. "I was fine yesterday night, but the world just won't stop. It's one mess after another, and I always happen to be right in the middle of it. It's the same with you. Why can't I even enjoy the only good thing in my life openly?"
Khan knew that his words were useless. Their only purpose was to rant about all the injustices that he had suffered. He could barely believe how he had gone from the Second Impact to killing mutated kids in less than twelve years.
Truth be told, Khan started to feel slightly angry about Liiza too. He had managed to accept his actions before realizing his similarities with the mutated Niqols.
Khan retracted his head and escaped Liiza's embrace. His angry eyes went on her face, but his raging feelings vanished when he saw her furrowed brows, sealed mouth, and closed eyes. She was doing her best not to make any sound while Khan vented. Tears had also started to flow again, but she didn't interrupt him at all.
"Liiza," Khan said in a worried tone while he tried to sit, but she pushed him down again.
"No!" Liiza cried. "Let me do this. I don't want you to grow used to dealing with all of that on your own."
Liiza was suffering on multiple levels. Her species had experienced great losses that day, which mainly affected the younger generations. The whole world was mourning, and she wasn't a stranger to that sorrow.
Her boyfriend had performed one of the morally harder tasks during the crisis, but he was too used to tragedies to share his feelings. Liiza felt useless, so she preferred to endure Khan's anger than leave him on his own. That pain didn't scare her as long as she managed to lift part of his burden.
Khan felt his love bursting, but the gruesome images became more vivid as that feeling intensified. It seemed that a tight connection linked his happiness to his pain. His mind wouldn't let him have one without the other, but he didn't hesitate to abandon himself to those unreasonable emotions.
Khan reached for Liiza's hand, and the girl voiced a surprised gasp when she felt his warm touch. He felt warmer than usual, almost scorching even. She opened her teary eyes to check him before noticing that he had also started to cry.
"Can't we just sleep?" Khan asked while doing his best to avoid the breaking of his voice.
Liiza didn't hesitate to nod. She snuck under the blanket and dived on his chest while he wrapped his arms around her. Khan heard a few sobs, but he could only hug her closer as he lost himself in her hair.
Tears still fell from his eyes, but he felt unable to stop them. It seemed that everything that Khan had experienced until now came back stronger than ever. The closer he felt to Liiza, the more intense his negative feelings would be.
His life truly appeared as a mess when he reviewed it with his intense feelings. Khan didn't even know how broken someone had to be to survive through everything he had experienced. That didn't say much about his mental state, but he didn't care. He had seen enough to forsake the world as long as he could keep what made him happy.
"I think I might kill to protect what we have," Khan revealed.
Liiza's sobs stopped when she heard those words. Humans would probably run away in front of those signs of psychosis, but everything was different for the Niqols.
"Khan," Liiza whispered while her face remained on his chest. "[I love you]."
"I love you too," Khan sighed as his embrace tightened.
The two remained in that position after they voiced the words that they had promised not to say. It didn't take much for both of them to fall asleep at that point, and tears stopped flowing before drying up completely. Their mental stress had been heavy to endure, but they were dealing with it through their feelings. They had no other method to handle their situations.
To be continued