10 years ago
''leave my house you ungrateful child'' dad says as he drags me toward the door
''but dad where am i supposed to go'' i ask him in between tears
'' I don't care you goddamn bitch,you are eighteen"
''mom'' I plead to my mom for help again
''you brought this on yourself Hazel'' mom says avoiding looking at me
''so you are going to just let him throw me out''
''do not contact us from now on'' mom says
''mom!''
''you heard her don't you dare come back here dad says closing the door
PRESENT
I jolt awake from the dream of my past experience with my father or step father. well that is not a memory I like reliving early in the morning. my eyes stray to my table to the corner the sheets of last night's scribbling on top, scriblings of a man that could never help me hell he couldn't even listen to me for more than ten minutes. I lazily get out of bed, as usual it's never easy getting out of bed. I take my phone from the table and light it up 7:15 well at least today I don't have a shift at the coffee shop Johnny and Liam will take of everything.
After a shower I walk to the living room Lia has already gone. I sit down at the counter scrolling through my phone looking at the best drawing and painting pallets online I had decided to start painting well kind of felt the urge to do something bigger. I didn't really want to get deep into art much but Lia had convinced me to follow my gut.
******
I got back to the house at around twelve in the afternoon with all the things I needed to paint.
it had been three hours of drawing the same face and person five times and it got easier and easier every time.
"maybe I should try painting sketching something else "I thought to myself while seated at the kitchen counter eating a brownie.
I took a sheet of paper and sit down at the counter.
I drew the first strike of my pencil to draw my best friends face for the first time in years.
the second stroke came after a deep breath the room got smaller as I gave the third stroke life. I was alright I was doing okay I told my self the fourth stroke was heavy,slow followed by three deep breaths and my hand hitched to draw the fifth stroke I clutched the pencil firmer and brought its tip near the sheet of paper and my hand started shaking I held my elbow with my other hand forcing the tip to leave a mark on the piece of paper my hand trembled, my eyes closed and shoulders shook ,I put the pencil down and stood up to walk away from the piece of paper my right leg touched the floor my left leg next I couldn't take the step my legs began shaking my shoulders next. the worst part I was conscious when all this happened I could feel my whole body shaking I could see my hands tremor my legs as the lost strength as I wobbled and fell to the ground I could see it all happen nothing and no one to help me .
my mind went silent I could hear nothing think of nothing, the screams echoed, I knew those screams it was me that night screaming and the strokes of the brush echoed strokes of the last person I drew in years.
"Hazel!hazel! " I heard a distant voice call my name I was tired I didn't want to answer whoever was calling.
my eyes fluttered open the smell of disinfectant so strong in my nostrils my room smelt like an hospital today god I hated hospitals they were full of people crying because of their loved ones and a lot of motivational shit from doctors telling people they'd be okay while they all knew they'd never be okay or they'll die in the morning what a bunch of hypocrites.
"Hazel! Haze it's me Lia"i struggled in a sitting position so i could see her properly
"hey Lia"
"do you remember anything "
I looked at her the stranger Infront of me a stranger who cared about me more than my own mother did she was always there for me.
"yeah I do "I said answering her question "and I don't want to talk about it "
"it's okay hazel "
I trust Lia with my life but if there is one thing I'll never do is tell her anything about my seizures or the cause of them she'd be hurt she'd do something regretful. I'll keep this secret with me till I die after all no one will ever believe me if I tell them the truth except Lia of course I know she will believe me but I can't tell her I couldn't bear anymore pity from her.
I watched as Lia talked to the doctor. she was worried very worried I could tell from how she bit her lower lip and her occasional glances towards me.
**********
"you don't need to go to work tomorrow "Lia said as she set a plate of food Infront of me.
"Lia "
"I can even stay with you "she added "actually yes let me call my boss and tell him "she says as she takes her phone and keys in her bosses number
"Lia"I say taking the phone from her hand and placing it on the counter "you don't have to "I say standing up "I am fine see no shaking"
"haze you don't get it do you "she says in between tears "I found you there shaking ,crying "she wipes off a tear
"I called you you didn't answer you just looked at me smiled as if it was nothing I was "she sobs "was so worried "
"Lia " I say as I pull her closer for a hug.
"I thought "she starts
"it's okay Lia i am fine now "I tell her
"promise me you'll never try that again "
"Lia I can't just -"
"you can "she cuts me off "you don't have to draw something else just draw him only baby steps haze "
"okay baby steps "
"promise "
"I promise "