The beginnings of snow drifted drowsily down to the earth. They flitted here and there in the mild wind, finding resting places on my cheek and nose and coating my long red hair. Though, I couldn't honestly call it red since it was more of a sickly orange. The color and consistency of an unripe carrot.
My whole appearance was that of sickliness, the kind that smothers all your features into uniform blandness. Vitality had slipped away from me at an early age. It left me beaten, weary, and broken. I've avoided mirrors for a long time now, they only ever disappoint me. When a young girl stares into a looking glass, they are supposed to see a rosy cheeked youth, on the brink of womanhood. Instead, I saw a sullen girl, growth stunted by long hours resting in a dark gloomy room. All day every day. Her eyes are sunken in and her soul is rotting bit by bit.
I abhor being cooped up like some primitive animal. Even the Duke's hunting dogs had more freedom than I.
A lone sparrow hopped from branch to branch of the ornamental trees that lined this abandoned wasteland of a courtyard. It must've not got the memo, Autumn was turning to Winter at an unreasonably fast rate. Already the wind bit at every bit of my exposed skin, giving my skin the pinkish hue that it ought to have at all times. The illusion wouldn't get rid of the dark circles under my eyes, or my freakishly skinny figure.
I wished I was that sparrow, as I saw it duck its head into its wing, digging for mites that sucked its blood and vivacity away from it. I wish it was that easy for me. I wish I could fly away from here, to some lush, thriving haven, whenever I wanted. Live an uncomplicated life searching for bugs, preening, and sleeping only when I wanted to. Healthy and strong and independent.
My breath clouded in front of me, but I barely noticed the cold anymore. Already, my naked toes and fingers had gone numb. I took a clumsy step closer to the tree that held the sparrow, greedy for a better look. Alarmed, its eyes met mine for a split second before it flitted away, afraid of the frail creature it beheld.
My life would never resemble that of a sparrow's. It was more similar to that of a sloth. Stuck to a tree all your life worrying about immediate needs rather than the future. Slow, unable to catch up. Everyone around seemed to have a goal, something that they strived for. I was just clinging to my branch watching helplessly as the world passed me by.
I stuck out my tongue to catch a fat snowflake. The sensation was underwhelming, not even comparing to my previous memories, ones that felt so distant now. It had only been a couple of years since they were made. From times when I was still aloud to be out of my room.
The trajectory of your life can change in an instant. When I was a child, a young child, I'd been a happy and healthy heiress to a huge fortune. At the age of six, I'd been subjected to a DNA test. It proved that I wasn't Duke Elsick's biological daughter, in fact, I was my mother's secret love child. At age seven, my health began to deteriorate. At age eight my father had adopted his illegitimate son and made him the new heir of his estate, leaving me and my mother with nothing but his roof over our heads and whatever else he thought we deserved. He would not suffer the dishonor of divorce, but he would make my mother and I miserable for her sins.
My mother was now on her best behavior, trying to regain the duke's good favor. She acted the perfect faithful wife, stepping on eggshells whenever the duke was near. I, on the other hand, had been swept under the rug. I'd been placed in the most secluded wing of the manor. It was disused but desperately clean, since only maids traversed this far. It was vacant and quiet. All signs of life absent.
Lonely.
My only companions were my mother, Katz, and my nursemaid, Maisy.
The duke never visited, and his son was too skittish to call on me anymore.
Felix had at least attempted to be nice to me. When he first arrived, he visited often, trying to win my affection in this despondent building by bringing me sweets and childish games, both of which my mother disapproved. She thought me too feeble to do anything a normal child could do. After so many visits, I'd lashed out at him, angry that he'd taken my spot in the duke's heart, (something I had already lost two years previous) and I thought he purposefully antagonized me with all the things I could no longer do. It was a silly notion, in reality he just wished me to be his kid sister, but for me, the bitterness stayed.
Felix stopped visiting.
I already had a brother anyways. Katz was more like a sibling than Felix would ever be. He was the duke's ward. His father had died years ago sending his mother to an institution, as her grief had driven her clinically insane. Katz had been living with us since I was four and he was six. We'd grown up as playmates, and celebrated every Christmas and birthday since, together. We'd become each others deepest confidants, in the isolated expanse that lacked children.
Katz didn't share my loathing for Felix, but, out of loyalty to me, he hadn't traded me for an older male friend. We were mostly inseparable in the moments uninterrupted by others. Somebody would always whisk him away to a life I couldn't share with him. He was being tutored alongside Felix as well as attending house parties with the duke: while I played the role of the perfectly behaved sick girl. Only thought of on the off moments when sympathy could be spared.
I was shocked out of my cold induced revery by Maisy's shrill voice calling my name. She was shockingly close by. I saw the top of her grayish bun through one of the large window panes that lined almost every hallway in the great manor. I didn't want to be found out yet, I wanted to stay underneath the gray sky pretending I was the sparrow for a little longer.
I crept farther into the sparse foliage, ignoring the brambles that snagged onto my night gown and hair. Maisy's voice grew ever more distant as she hollered herself hoarse and marched away. I felt a twinge of guilt in my gut. Hopefully, she didn't catch a cold from traversing the freezing uninhabited corridors.
My gaze lifted back to the sky as the clouds rumbled angrily. The wind was picking up, swirling my hair every which way, probably working it into a state of disrepair. The sky was agitated, vocalizing its rage.
The king had glitched last week. Everyone, even the children, could feel the sense of foreboding that those words brought. Glitching, it was a fancy word to replace an uncomfortable one. People don't like any word that leaves a bad taste in their mouth or an unhappy thought in their head, so they liked to pretend that it means something different. Suicide was the word I'd found for it in old books. The word of course was too unseemly, standing for a selfish action of taking ones life driven by despair. The king, of course, had glitched. His brain had simply been wired wrong, the result was his untimely demise.
The country was like the sky, charged with uncertainty, frothing with unrest. The sun was smothered by clouds, unable to guide the atmosphere to lovelier weather.
The king's old supervisors had made the decision, the country needed a new head. However, the king's only heir was a girl of twelve; every other close blood relative was either in hiding or had already been assassinated in insurgences past. A girl who shared my age was to become the cornerstone of this unruly nation.
My heart went out for princess Kirsi, for the loneliness of separation that the position entailed. I related to it. I mourned for her.
Warm hands grasped my shoulder causing me to shriek before I spun around to see my captor.
Katz. He stood there with his feathery brown hair that almost touched his eyes. He was a full foot taller than me, even though he was only two years older. I had to crane my neck to make eye contact with him. Not that I minded all that much. HIs eyes were always full of kindness. His eyes were also full of hidden sorrows. Currently, his eyes were full of puzzled concern.
"Ariel, what are you doing out here, it's freezing." He glanced at my feet, "Where are your shoes?" He adjusted his eyes back to my night gown as if he just now noticed it, "Where are your clothes?"
If it had been anybody else, I might have been embarrassed at my undress. With Katz, this was my usual state, as he was constantly visiting me in the night. My mother and Maisy were against his day visits, since I always seemed to need my rest so badly. So, Katz had started sneaking into my room at night, allowing me to come along on his midnight adventures. I'd seen the entire manor by moonlight. If my mother knew about it, she would've disapproved of that as well.
"I forgot them," I excused blandly.
"Your clothes, or your shoes?"
"Both."
He raised his eyebrows and they disappeared into his shaggy bangs. That's when Maisy decided to backtrack, her hollering voice breaking the near silence. Before Katz could say anything more, I tugged him into the brambles with me, pressing my finger to my lips in a hushing gesture. My lips must've been turning purple, cause he looked at them all weird.
After Maisy vanished once again, Katz took a step back, "Why're you running away from Maizy? We've got to leave for the coronation soon."
I shrugged, "I wanted some fresh air. Plus I don't think I want to go."
"You don't get that choice," he shook his head at me as if I were young and foolish, which I probably was, "The Duke orders your attendance, since the entire household was summoned. Your mother is doing the best she can to please him, and truthfully, you should be doing the same."
I hated when he talked to me like this. Like I didn't fully understand the situation I was in. I did understand. I shook my head. "I don't want to be like my mother. I still have enough pride to not act like somebodies' lapdog." I felt a pang in my chest for saying something so disrespectful about my mother. I loved her so much. But she made me so angry sometimes.
I could tell Katz was disappointed in my answer. It wasn't ladylike, nor was it humble. I was supposed to act like a demure behaved little sick girl, but I'd messed up yet again.
"You should treat your parents with more respect." Was his curt response. He still held both my parents in the highest esteem. His love for them was shackled in place by gratefulness and loyalty. If my parents hadn't taken him in, he would've wound up in a home somewhere, and kids from homes never had good prospects.
"Sorry." I mumbled, feeling cold and naked and silly all at once.
Katz grabbed my hand gently. "Let's go and find Maisy. You're freezing and you need to get prepared for the coronation." I didn't resist him as he lead me back inside. It was nice having him lead me this way, I could almost imagine we were on one of our midnight escapades.
We didn't make it very far before we stood face to face with my mother. She looked thoroughly harassed, but as soon as she saw me, I swear I could see a weight being lifted off her shoulders. My mother all but ran to me, before I was engulfed in her slender arms. Then she stepped back and looked at me sternly.
I didn't mind that much. I was distracted from her downturned lips by her shockingly beautiful appearance. Mother wore a glittering silver dress with naked shoulders. It showed off her elegant collar bone and proportionate breasts. The straps of the dress rested delicately on each arm, acting as an ornament rather than having any functional use. A slit ran up her thigh, nearing immodesty, but stopping right before reaching impropriety. Her lips were painted red to match her long flaming hair that draped her shoulders. If I'd tried wearing that lip color my face would've looked like a washed out turnip rather than a person, and my hair would've looked like shriveling weeds.
I prayed every night that I might one day inherit my mothers beauty and youth, even though she was 32 and I was 12, and the roles should really have been reversed.
A moment must've passed, but my mother still hadn't said a word. Katz had let go of my hand at some point and the loss of it left me feeling awkward and nervous.
"Maisy has been looking all over for you. Yelling her throat raw." My mother folded her arms across her chest as if she just noticed the chill air. She glanced at my feet as I fretted and fidgeted in place. She must've seen the dirt clinging to my toes because her eyes narrowed. "Where were you all this time?"
"The courtyard." I said in a small voice. I didn't like how Katz was lurking by the wall watching. I wish he'd just leave.
Mother looked horrified. "In your nightclothes and without shoes?!" She exclaimed. "Are you trying to damage your health further? Maisy and I slave over you day and night. At least try to stay well." She scolded me. Then she turned on Katz.
"What were you doing with my daughter in the courtyard?" She didn't say it accusingly. She liked Katz. It came out as genuine curiosity.
"Just bringing her back inside, Pearl." Katz returned politely. Katz did that. He called my parents by their first names rather than calling them mother or father. Calling them duke or duchess was too formal for familiarity, so he'd taken his liberties. They didn't seem to mind.
"Good boy." She gave him a winning smile. "Now run along and play with the Granger girl, I need to go bathe and polish Ariel." My mother tended to treat us like little children, but Katz didn't seem to mind. He nodded her an affirmative before disappearing down the hall.
My mother put one of her slim strong arms at the small of my back and started leading me down the hall. Her face was set in gentle reprimand.
One thing about my mother was that she was never harsh. Her words came out worrying, but not angry. Her touch was always soft, as if she were afraid she would break me. I'd never experienced a strike against me, except from the duke, though I don't think he had any animosity against me particularly. My mother was like my guardian Angel, constantly hovering over my shoulder. And when I did wrong, instead of lashing out or reproving me, she smothered me with her affections even more.
When we made it to the doorway of my room, we saw a flurry of movement from within. My mother cleared her throat to get my nanny's attention. Maisy wheeled around looking stricken at the sight of us. Her hands flew up to her throat. "Young lady, your hair looks like a birds nest." She moaned, "I'm sorry mistress, I shouldn't have let her out of my sight. Let me repair her appearance."
My mother smiled mildly at my nursemaid, "I think that I'd rather do it myself. You go on ahead and take the rest of the day off."
Maisy seemed to deflate on the spot with relief. Maisy mumbled a quick "thank you mistress," before scurrying out of the room, as if she were worried my mother would take it back at any moment.
My mother sat me down on my bed before gliding into the bathroom and running the tub. In a couple of minutes I saw steam creeping out of the half open door. I was already dreading the scalding bath that was going to be my recompense
My mother helped me lift the night gown over my head, as I was laid bare in front of her. She could now see the harsh outlines of my ribs and spine. The way my skin seemed to want to hug my bones. The scrawniness of of my legs, and a chest that didn't seem to want to grow.
I hesitantly dipped my feet into the water, immediately feeling the tingling heat engulf them uncomfortably. Before loosing my nerve, I eased the rest of my body into the marble tub. The steam was almost suffocating.
Mother settled behind me and started playing with my hair. "Why did you go out to the courtyard?" Her voice was tepid and casual but was laced with trepidation.
"When I was walking down the halls I saw a sparrow through the window, I just wanted a better look." Mother didn't question as to why I'd been walking in the halls when I should've been polishing myself in front of the vanity. She didn't ask why I'd purposefully disregarded the call of my Nursemaid. "I miss the birds." I added lamely, as mother lathered fragrant soaps into my hair.
My mother grabbed a pitcher of water and started cascading it down the back of my head, cleansing my hair of suds and whatever bits of dirt she imagined. I was always in pristine condition since I didn't have anywhere to go to get dirty.
"If a bird was all you wanted," Mother said, breaking the quiet, "All you needed was to ask. I'll ask Godfrey to go fetch you one for a pet."
There she went again, bandaging all wounds with a gift.
The rest of my bath passed in silence except for the trickling of water, as it passed over my hair and body. It left my skin smelling like lavender. My mother helped me out of the bath and swaddled me in a large cream towel. Laying on my bed sat a pretty pink dress and silver flats with pointed toes. Mother helped me slip into the gown then sat me in front of a mirror. She pinned up my hair into an intricate bun, and when she was done I got to look at my reflection.
I looked like a fairy.
Mother grabbed my face in her hands and kissed my forehead with her beautifully shaped lips. "You know I love you, don't you?"
"Of course, Mother." I breathed still staring at our reflections.
And I did.