My girl Liddy used to always smoke cigarettes when she couldn't sleep. I could hear her get up every night, head for the balcony and light up a cigarette.
It was hard being the lover of a girl like Liddy, because the worry for her well-being could get you at any moment. Is it normal?- Smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day? 3 when she's stressed?
These questions were beginning to dominate my entire being, my existence. But all I could do was hug her, and tell her everything was okay.
1:00 AM: I walked up to the balcony and joined her smoking session.
"Hey, lovely. How are you feeling?"
She looked away, trying to find another subject to talk about.
I looked down to the ashtray that I could vividly remember I had cleaned that morning. 10 cigarettes were now laying there, fully smoked.
I sighed, my head starting to spin into countless parallel universes, trying to find a solution to Liddy's stress. Something was clearly bugging her. But before I could muster another reassurance, she spoke up:
"I'm okay, Michael."
"No you are not." I snapped, a bad decision on my end.
I slapped my hand down on the table, the stress was getting me, I had to calm down.
"Liddy I'm-"
"No, it's okay, I'm okay." she repeated, before getting her pack of cigarettes and heading outside.
I tried to catch up to her, but mid-run I realized I was only making things worse.
I'm so stupid, I'm such a failure. I can't even help my own lover.
I looked outside, and watched her head away from the building, towards the billboards and past the mall. Then I couldn't see her anymore.
And so I waited, and the billboards had changed 10 times since she went away.
I could feel my heart race, my palms sweat, my eyes start to tear up. But all I could do is wait. Wait for her to come back into my arms.
2:14 AM: Still no sight of Liddy. I could only imagine what she was doing. Poor Liddy could be in trouble, but all I could do is wait.
2:47 AM: I called her, shaking. No response. Damn you, Liddy- Where are you?
3:01 AM: She texted me her location and I rushed outside the apartment, looking for her. I ran past people, buildings, my feelings and in the end I found her in a park, laying on the ground, smoking.
"Liddy.." Was all I could say.
She signaled for me to lay down, and so I did. I looked up at to stars and took a breather, but the smell of her smoke was making me sick with worry.
"We'll find moonlit nights strangely empty because when you call my name there will be no answer." She said, looking at the sky.
"Rather melodramatic aren't you?" I laughed.
She kissed my cheek. Looking back, it was like she knew she would no longer be here.